Where does it come from? The desire to be alone, for quiet. I was an only child. The last two-3 years of high school, my dad worked 2pm-10pm. I spent a lot of time alone. I miss that. I despise useless chatter and that's all I seem to hear here.



I'm sure it's a dj, but I feel like I have 3 children not 3 husbands.



What is is that I'm looking for? All I hear still is that I am wrong. Everything I"m doing now is wrong, so my kids will grow up to be just as screwed up as I am. If I'm not hearing it right, what am I missing?

Had a happy post! It vanished. It was sharing all the good of the day. Maybe I will post it later....

LovingAnyways,

If possible, could you please email me at **edit**

Thanks (and sorry for the mini TJ )

Ace

Hey BTE,

I was hoping you would try to re-post your happy post! I'd love to read it if you'd like to share.

Thinking of you,
Happy

Hi Happy!

That day seems like so long ago now! I'm not even sure why it was such a good day. I do remember realizing at 630 the sun was still out. That makes me so happy! I love the sun. I love daylight. That day in particular I ran errands with the girls, they were so good that day. No arguing or whinning. It was enjoyable. I also had turned in my essay to switch from the Masters of Art, Teaching program to Masters of Education, Special Education program. That was the one thing holding me back from full time permanent work. Just have to wait for my letter of acceptance. WEnt to a job fair for the board of education here on Sat. Handed out around 12 resumes. Met lots of principals and asst. principals. As soon as I get the letter of acceptance and my other paperwork in order, they asked me to call them back to interview! If I get hired for next school year it will be a HUGE raise compared to substitute teaching.

Lots of other stuff going on negative stuff, trying to deal with it. Will keep this post a happy post though!

I'm sick and thinking of you.

That came out wrong.

LOL

But it's funny!

Is it?

LA

Hope you feel better soon LA!

Not much is going on around here. I was informally offered a teaching position for next year. Its the position I wanted. I just have to get my paperwork in order to sign a contract. Which means, waiting on someone else to send me what I need. Uggg, I won't be excited until I have signed the contract.

Congrats, BTE!!

And empathy on the waiting to receive...that's a tough one. I'm still not great at that--my control freakishness prevails there.

And I'm finally better! Yahooooo.

So, do you have it now? Are ya excited?

LA

Hi, LA!

I submitted all of my paperwork yesterday. There is just the formality of things now. Background check, reference checks, etc. Shouldn't be too much. 3 of my 4 references come from the school that wants to hire me. They include the Principal of the school, the Asst. Principal, and the History Dept. Head. Until I sign a contract or receive my first paycheck that isn't sub pay, I try not to get my hopes up. Seems everytime things start going well something knocks me back down.

Ahhh...that's like shooting fish in a barrel!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Not that I would. Doesn't that put holes in the barrel?

You don't have to be knocked down...you are wanted...let go the outcome. Know right now, you are capable, clean and great for the job...whether it comes through or not.

That's the future. It's waaay over there.

Do your happy dance for you, kiddo. 'Cuz you take risks...you fill out the paperwork...and you are willing to be led where you're most needed and can grow.

I believe that.

Do you have this hidden belief that if you can fix just one thing, everything else will fall into place? That there's one solution...one necessity?

I had that...didn't even know it...and kept feeling knocked down. It was focusing on lack (if there's only one thing, that discounts about a million other realities in our lives).

Just a thought.

Nice to see you. I love your Hi, LA!'s

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Unfortunately, I do. I think that's why I live in disappointment so often. Like moving here, I thought a smaller mortgage, nicer house, shorter commute for dh, would solve everything, of course it didn't. Still the same problems. Just like I believe if I am making more money we won't argue as much, won't be as stressed, everything will be better. Yeah right!

What unfortunate or fortunate? Has nothing to do with what you believe...

I found it great to know I had these beliefs...which, when I got them to where I could see them, I was astonished. I KNEW in my adult experience there wasn't a one answer...to fix a million things...

Yet, here I was, living like there was.

No wonder I hurt so much.

Helped to get me to reality.

And to trace where I got that belief in the first place...'cuz that's the same place I went when it wasn't true...and I kept trying to make it true.

Sounds to me that you've placed a lot of weight on environment...attributed stuff to it when it was within you...all environment is are ENs combining. Can you figure out which ones are which?

And your belief if you control your environment, you control the other humans in it?

LA

I don't think controlling others is so huge for me anymore. I am just really tired of being stuck in this cycle of trying to fix things, get in a better place, and feel like I am being knocked down again. I feel like everything is a constant battle, a test. When is there reward, when is there payoff for hard work?

Not if you continue to choose your actions based on possible response...no reward there, 'cuz we don't control the response...the outcome.

Thinking one thing fixed means others will be less stressed, happier, not snappy or frustrated...when we can only trace our own stuff, find the belief those signals are coming from...and hear what others find when they trace their own.

Tied to this one-fix belief, is that when we fix things, they stayed fixed.

About money, for instance...I remember someone telling me a long time ago that there isn't a wealthy man out there who isn't spending his time trying to figure out how to make $40 more a week. So giving him $40 more a week doesn't make him stop focusing on it. Comes from within, and as Harley says, it's an EN...not about money. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Our emotions are our own...signalling us about us...

We share those with our partners. Doesn't mean they fix them...when we share ourselves honestly, we meet a lot of ENs.

I wonder if this isn't like the Promised Land for you...where God frees you, feeds and leads you...and still you want the Promised Land, a place of security and relief...when the whole time you're wandering with all you need on the journey...and if it wasn't for the promise, you'd know that...

I'm thinking aloud right now.

What do you win when you win a battle, temporarily?

What is proven when you pass the test?

That there won't be more battles or tests?

Are you saying about being knocked down again that whatever you plan and execute, if it doesn't make your family give you a certain response, you failed?

LA

A lot of it for me is admiration, even if it's self admiration. That I set out to do something and I accomplished it.



I'm not sure. Perhaps that I can handle what is given to me. ALthough lately, it seems further from the truth.



No not at all. Right now, the things I have been doing, furthering my education, and so forth, this is for me. This is something I have always wanted to do. My family may reap some of the benefits from it, but it's for me. In the present, we all are sacrificing because of it. I have less time for them, and that will continue. Money is being spent to pay for school. I keep looking at all of this as short term sacrafice for long term gain.

By knocked down again, it just seems that whenever I get over one hurdle, there is another. I feel like I have to be on defense all of the time. Waiting for whats coming next. Stressing on how to pay this bill or that bill, wondering if the car is going to break down, or dd's school will need more money for something. It just doesn't end.

Just checking in. Everyone is asleep. Kitchen floors are mopped. having a party here Thurs. evening to kick off spring break, house is nowhere near ready, but I'm ok with that.

Dh and I are doing ok. Phone conversations with his friend S have been cut back. However, a female co-worked began calling him quite a bit. In fact there were 13 phone calls between them in one day. He stated it was work related. I explained how it made me feel. Then this weekend I found a a text message he sent her it stated Call bigdaddy. He denied it at first, then said he didn't remember sending it. Again, stated how it made me feel. He said that he has been trying to cut back on the conversations with her on the phone. That she does call a lot for work, while at work. Stated she called another co-worker 20 times today.

Not a whole lot else going on.

BTE!!!

Great to see you...thank you for checking in. I missed your previous post.

When I asked what you win...you said "A lot of it for me is admiration, even if it's self admiration. That I set out to do something and I accomplished it."

My question was in response to you saying trying to fix things, get in a better place, and feeling knocked down again was a battle...is this correct? I lost my train of thought at a longago track. I want it back.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"By knocked down again, it just seems that whenever I get over one hurdle, there is another. I feel like I have to be on defense all of the time. Waiting for whats coming next. Stressing on how to pay this bill or that bill, wondering if the car is going to break down, or dd's school will need more money for something. It just doesn't end."

Thank you for clarifying this for me...'cuz it links back to the one-solution ideal both of us had in our heads...one more thing...feels like knocked down because we WANT it to be the last, final, full out one-solution thing.

And it doesn't in until you die because it is called living...and where you live, in the future which hasn't arrived or the past you can't change, makes all the difference.

Each bill you ponder is part of your education...part of the family support for you and your advanced degree. I know you rock with bills...if you chose to see them as part and parcel of everyone's support of you (less time, money, attention), would that feel like a burden or a choice?

Would you consider getting a voice-activated tape recorder for under the seat of his car? I ask because of his denial...and he may be telling you the truth...or not.

Did you state how his bravery in being honest voluntarily, telling you when someone new is calling makes you feel, too?

Call times matter...so thank you for sharing at work during work hours. I think that makes a difference. Could just be me.

And you could ask him...if he texts "call bigdaddy" to anyone, that he would make it "call bigdaddy of two little girls"...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Have fun at your party...I'm thrilled that as is right now works for the prep...and I hope your Spring Break rocks big time. Play, play, play, BTE.

LA

Checking in again!

Not a whole lot going on around here. I'm in my "mood" again, its near that time of month. Every month I go into flight mode. I want out of the marriage, blaming dh and the girls for all of my unhappiness. At least now, I have grown to recognize it and try to talk myself through it. I "KNOW" it's not them, I know this is me. I talked to my dr. about it and asked if it's possibel I have some type of hormone imbalance. He said no I could just take anti-depressants, well I don't want to take AD's for 3 or 4 bad days out of a month. I shouldn't get this moody.

Anyhow, I'm not sure if I ever said on here about a month or so ago we had a student die from leukemia. Over spring break we had a teacher murdered. My great uncle just passed away last week. I have an aunt in chemo for I believe colon cancer and she has already been through breast cancer. I have another uncle who just had his second golf ball size brain tumor removed. All of this leaves me really really sad. I'm scared of death. Scared of being alone, scared of my girls being alone. I start reflecting on how I haven't lived my life how I want, I'm not the type of person I want people to remember.

Softball season has started for dd8. So we spend 3 nights a week practicing for now. Once games start we will hopefully stop practicing and only play 2 nights a week.

That's about it in my lil ol world.....

BTE, your presence is such a blessing! I'm sorry things are so hard right now. (((BTE)))

"I'm not the type of person I want people to remember."
I think you knew I was going to repeat this to you, you are a Human BEing, not a Human DOing. When you are the kind of person you want people to remember, what's different?

Things go downhill so fast during my time of the month. I I swear I don't have just normal pms. I have this I HATE my entire life family, want to hurt them, me, everyone, etc.

I can't even explain it. My girls are scared of me, I have said some of the meanest things to them. It's like I can see me doing it, I can hear me saying it, I'm telling myself not to, but it just comes out as if I'm not doing. Not making excuses, trying to explain how it feels to me.

Yesterday morning was really bad. Dh took the girls to school it was so bad. As I was leaving I typed a note out on the computer and left my rings there for him. I got to the car and asked myself once this week is over am I really going to feel that way. I went back in, got rid of the email and put my rings back onl. Respond not react right? Had he still been here, I wouldn't have come back in.

He sent me a message last night With the start of each new day
I find myself thinking of you...
In the middle of my busy day,
my mind wanders and I think of you...
Out of nowhere I see your smile,
hear your laugh and I think of you...
Life is beautiful now because I fall in love
all over again each time I think of you.

I told him this morning never to send me sh*t like that again. That it was full of bs and I don't like being lied to.. lovely,,, aren't I.

I want to leave to protect them from me. To protect me from me.