Hi, BTE,

Your post really hit home with me...because I was very much like that, felt and perceived like that during my time of the month. I had a hysterectomy in 2001, so I haven't thought about it much.

My menustral cycles were horribly painful...from the time they began at 13 to the time I had them take out my equipment.

And you're right on the money...I was most abusive, disrespectful, entitled and dangerous during those times. Pre, during and post, too. That pretty much covered half my life, I think...given it was about half the month.

You're still lovely to me, BTE. And heroic...because you cut through your crud enough to go back in and get your rings and delete the email I was too full of entitlement to act that respectfully to myself or to my family, I believe.

Now that I think about this more (thank you), I'm wondering about pain. I experienced most of my anger as pain...felt it manifested into my body at times, it was so strong. I'm wondering now if my fury at my pain (so unfair, stupid Eve and apple choice) wasn't part of me experiencing anger as pain and maybe pain as anger?

Pain put me in my child-state...ironic to me that this blessing of womanhood did that...and I definitely got the "this is gonna hurt FOREVER" and "I'll always have to endure, go through, feel this" child belief statements.

I resented this pain...especially when I compared myself to others who didn't have it. Many, many do. To heck with them...the ones who are "Oh, am I getting my period?" ones were the ones I focused on.

Leaving won't change your pain, your rage, your frustration, entitlement, resentment...or fear. You'll take it with you. And I don't think even talking, sharing your stuff will bring down that bundle. I dunno though, I didn't even try back then. And here you were...choosing from reality, acting, not reacting.

And sharing an act of love from your DH.

Wowsers.

You're here posting.

How healthy can you get, BTE? Seriously!

Thank you for reminding me what it was felt like, because I've been remembering myself, the bully, the AOer, DJer and SDer without remembering all that pain.

Oh, wow...I just DJ'd your post. I assumed you felt pain when you felt hate...and I don't see where you said that. I remember other pain in that area...and I suggested a partial hysterectomy. What do you think?

LA

Hi Bte,

You may not have normal PMS.

If you're not doing so, take folic acid (that can help).

Next, look up "Creighton Method of Fertility Care", and find out if there are any Fertility Care practioners in your area (or call the main place and they will refer you to someone). They will teach you to chart your cycle, which will help to show you if there is anything abnormal about your cycle that might cause extreme PMS.

They will do an introductory session for free (to initially teach you the method), and they they will do a handful of follow up meetings, which usually cost something--but if you can't afford it, you don't have to pay anything.

It's how I discovered that I might have low levels of progesterone... and how I got some answers to the insanity that seemed to descend on me for DAYS before my period... i just thought everyone dealt with what I was feeling, but they don't.

Most woman don't throw peices of equipment 20 feet across the room...(you may not have done that either, but I have). Most women aren't on the edge, feeling like they are going to lose it at any moment--hating themselves, hating everybody, feeling like there are pins sticking in and out of them everywhere... like a big, huge, raw nerve.

I just figured I needed to "buck up". I figured everyone had mood swings, and they just contained them well. So that's what I strove to do. Contain the ******.

Now that I'm aware that there are reasons for it (and especially now that I'm charting my cycle) I can trace the pattern very clearly. It's helped me a lot just getting to this point, and the Dr. hasn't even decided what she's going to do yet (I've got one more test to get done).

The Folic acid helps too. Take it every day.

(((BTE)))

I'm glad you changed your mind... I have said/done many a rash thing during the week (+) before my period, and it's not normal. It's a relief when my actual period comes, becuase I know I'll be feeling better soon.

anyway, let me know what you think.

Thank you. I am glad I was able to go back in also. That's the thing about these episodes. Is I am thinking don't do it. I am telling myself it will all end in a couple of days. I know I don't want to say and do the things I do. However, the other feelings, the hate, anger, rage, is all so raw and real that it just comes out. I think I found an answer to what is going on with me. It's called PMDD. I am going to set up an appt. with my doc soon and see if we can start working on it. It goes back again to when I talked to my Dr. about possibly having a hormone imbalance. Everyone says my mom went off the deep end when she had me. I wonder if she dealt with the same thing, but had no name for it then. She also had a hysterectomy, but by then she was on drugs, etc.

There really isn't phsyical pain for me. I do get really bad headaches and tension. Stress pain. Tired all of the time. Then feeling guilty for treating the people closest to me so horribly.

What I've been reading is some of the problems I'm facing can be minimized by diet and exercise. I'm overweight so adjusting my diet wouldn't be a bad thing. I just dont' have the desire to change that stuff. This is where I feel so bad. I don't want to cut out caffeine and refined sugar. Yet, I don't want to be on meds either. Its almost self sabottaging (sp?). I get angry at myself for my weight. THen I get angry at my dh for his weight. I want to lose weight for me, because I don't like the way I look. Then I see him and think well if it's ok for him to be fat why should I care. I'm not attracted to him. SEx is a lot of work as big as we both are. Yet, neither of us are really up to changing it. I did start walking, watching what I eat, drinking water. Then, this past week, it all went wayside when I started feeling this way.

Ok, I'm babbling lol... Nothing new there...

Thank you for the information Telly. I will take a look at it.



Throwing things is my specialty <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Unfortunately, it's usually at someone. Good thing I'm not a good shot.

Dealing with my other medical stuff, I did have to chart my feelings, etc during my cycle. The dr. wanted to put me back on AD's. I didn't want to go that route. At least, not without checking hormone levels and so forth first. I am ok with a temporary fix of the symptoms, as long as we are working on a cure to the cause.

(((telly)))

thanks for sharing with me.

BTE,

I think Telly has great advice. Now I'm giving some via my DH...no kidding.

LOL

(I'm tickled he was concerned and contributing.)

He's reading this book: Change your Brain, Change your Life and now I can't remember the author. Wait. I think it's Dr. Amen. It's in his car (he reads it on his breaks at work)...and he says there's a whole chapter in there (I have to wait until he finishes for me to get to read it). He was excited to share.

On MuddleThrough's thread, he gave the title and author, in case I don't have it right. Also, I flipped it open when we were in the car yesterday and it has some of the stuff we've talked about in it...blaming, "I" statements, ANTS (how to address negative thoughts) and stuff. I only glanced...I was sharing with him at the time how much I remembered because you shared.

See how you ripple, woman? And I'm happy to report my cramps stopped. LOL. I'm sorry I put my filter into your life...as if it were the pain I experienced all those decades...that burning...took two days to go away. I don't believe in coincidences.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

And I believe where you aid your body, you aid your spirit, your emotions and your mind.

LA

Haven't been around in awhile. I did make it to the dr. He diagnosed me with PMDD. I am supposed to be taking anti-d's again to help with it. I haven't started taking them again. I need to. I just don't want to.

My uncle passed away last week. He was 61 years old. Had brain cancer. He lives about 2 hours away from me. We saw him this summer. A week ago Monday (Memorial Day) I asked the girls what they wanted to do that day. They said lets go visit Uncle Mike so he can teach us to shoot black licorice. I knew he was sick and in hospice care. Not responsive. I told the girls that he wasn't feeling well and we couldn't see him. An hour later they called to tell me he was dead.

WIth my Uncle passing away, came visit from my Dad. First time I've seen him in a year and a half. He wasn't able to stay long but he did get to visit for a couple of days. My Uncle and my Dad look almost identicle. People gasped when my Dad walked in the funeral home. I accidently saw my Uncle in the casket. It was like seeing my Dad. Scary scary stuff.

Its summertime now here. I'm trying to find work, trying to work through issues. Tryin to find the energy to spend time with the girls. Most of the time I find myself letting them do whatever they want, just as long as they don't bother me.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

(((BTE))) I am so sorry to hear about your uncle. Amazing that your girls have such a deep connection with him, that they wanted to see him that same day. Kind of like intuition or something. That's something to treasure, that they got the opportunity to be that close.

If you currently in a depressed state, it's only natural to think that the medicine won't help enough to make it worth being on meds, leading you not to take them. Maybe you could try a thoughtful request with yourself, try them for a month, journaling to see how it's working for you, and thenm re-evaluate. I know from a logical standpoint how difficult it is to start on meds when you are functional already. I rationalize it by knowing that by taking the meds I will be in a frame of mind to create a life where I'll no longer need them.

BTE,

You've been on my mind...I've been reading "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" and has info on PMDD, too. He doesn't prescribe ADs for it...he has a more radical offering.

Interesting reading. He explains why PMDD is there, how it affects us, through brain imaging (SPECT). Also depression, ADD, lots of stuff. I'm fascinated by this book.

You're not bad, wrong or nuts, BTE. I can prove it. Dr. Amen says so. LOL! (Doing my "I was right!" dance)

Would you get this book and read it? Includes recommendations for how to retrain your brain through diet, exercise, acknowledgment and awareness, as well as meds, self-hypnosis and meditation.

And more.

My DH doesn't read...he'll listen on CD...takes something which ignites my DH to read a book...witness, he reads books on poker...heehee...and now this book. He wanted it back from me to re-read, even. Unprecedented.

He's not against ADs...prescribes them, as well. I just found some of his advice amazing.

My condolences on your loss...my prayers for you to grieve well...including a lot of stuff which comes up from our rememberings...past coming into present...like your father...and the shocks...and all the feelings, and the not feelings.

Thank you for posting, sharing and caring, BTE.

LA

Dh's friend S. The calling is getting more frequent. Neither of them respect my request that she calls him at home. Nope, only on his cell, only during work hours. His schedule got changed today. He went in 4 hours later. I noticed he sent her a text message to let her know that he wouldn't be in until later. In May he called her a total of 22 times for a total of 4 1/2 hours. That doesn't include calls she made to him. I know she does call quite a bit though.

In June he called her 30 times for over 10.5 hours. Again, that doesn't include any of the times she has called him. Our cell phone bill doesn't show who the incoming call is from. Last week, not yet included on the bill, in one day there was 15 calls between the two of them, one phone call alone was for over 2 hours.

But, they are just friends and I have nothing to worry about. She has also sent him a message saying There are days I get through just because of you. Thanks for being a good friend. When I count my blessings I count you twice.

I've really really had. I can send an email to her husband. It's possible she will get it though. It's possible he won't care. Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing.

BTE, I'm so sorry things are going in this direction. I know you have what it takes to get through this!

I am glad that you are trusting your instincts here. I see that you're getting great advice here, but you may want to post on the GQII board, as well.

How's your self-care? How are things going outside of this?

BTE:

So sorry to hear what you are going through. Fighting a EA in some ways is harder than fighting a PA, because your spouse may believe their own BS that there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. At least with a PA they know they are cheating, even if they won't admit it.

I ordered the book that LA mentioned. Figured no one's brain is more miswired than mine. How about you and I make a deal? You agree to start taking your AD meds today, and I'll send you the book when it arrives. Deal?

Oh, look at this love, BTE...

Yes, please email her H...and reverse lookup the phone numbers to find a physical address if you can, to follow up that way.

Don't choose to do based on if she'll intercept or not...choose to do because of her text...what she is allowing your WH to meet, she isn't allowing her BH to meet.

Why?

Think about it...wouldn't it rock if her H was the one she counted twice? What got her through the day? We don't see how much we cripple others; just know, we are also crippling ourself.

State this to WH. This is how you rob another marriage...by being the one relied on, to go to...which means you block THEIR intimacy in their marriage and in yours.

State and release, BTE. You do your part.

I know this has been a rough road, all the way. You guys aren't counseling, you aren't doing exercises together...and you've got your own body going against you, it may seem. Gotta reach now for the "Fear not" statement. It's true. You are more than enough, in every way, for any one. You are half of your marriage. Honor your marriage, even when you feel like beating down your WH and his fog.

Remember that fog is generated by resentment, lack of respect and entitlement. You don't have power over his stuff...you sure do your own.

You're hurting and angry and really tired...like trod down. Reasonable. Understandable. And look at you--you're posting, asking and doing, anyway.

I'm proud to know you, BTE.

LA

I will consider telling her dh. COnsidering she sent me a message a couple of months ago about a swingers club, I doubt it will matter much to him. I really need to check my intent before I tell him.

I just want to lay down and cry, I think I will do that for awhile....

Good idea on the crying and laying down...

Better idea on the exposure to her BH. Let go your assumptions...they are not facts.

Act from your desire to live from respect. Let go the outcomes.

Essentially, your WH is putting his boredom above your marriage. Don't be bamboozled by his email. He can entertain himself creatively, without calling OW. He knows that. Why he left his cell at home.

Thank you for posting...did you hear Hold's contribution? He's getting the book, BTE. He's offering you a great trade...for you to do an act of self-care...and he'll share.

How awesome IS that?

You are loved, BTE. You truly are. Do what is within your control and let the outcome go...you didn't control it anyway. Go for clarity, not control. Know what you are mourning when you cry...go through all the stages.

You were asked what are YOUR plans...and I heard you answer you were too tired for plans...maybe to tread water until you get your next degree, two years for now. You're worth better plans and boundaries.

You're not alone. You never were...nor will you ever be.

You are more than enough.

LA

I'm just tired.. I'm not safe in my marriage. I don't feel safe with dh. Not comfortable sharing with him. I get made fun of a lot by him. I know, "ouch" would work wonders. Then I get the whole "you know I was just playing, you are too sensitive" speech. Then it turns to the "I can't do anything right" I can't carry him and I any further. I need him to step up and he just hasn't done it yet. I "know" it's not my job to carry him.

I don't think I am going to start the AD's I am trying to lose weight and one of the biggest side effects is weight gain.

I keep praying, asking for help to change who I am. To be a better mom, wife, person. I must be doing something wrong. I am screwing up my own kids lives and I still can't snap out of it....

I updated about dh and his friend S on that thread. WEnt out of town this weekend. Just the girls and I. Dh had to work. We went to my Aunts House down at the beach. My mom was there and their other sister. The 4th sister was in the hospital. She has pancreatic cancer. They removed her pancrease she ended up having blood clots and three more surgeries for that. They finally decided she couldn't handle any more surgeries. She has been stable for almost 48 hours. Still in a medically induced coma though.

Got a membership at the Y today. Let the girls go swimming this evening. They really enjoyed it. It also allowed me to "relax' a little. I am way way tired and stressed out. Self care is compeltely gone. I am exhausted, feel ugly, frustrated, angry again.. It just keeps going and going....

BTE, I'm so sorry about your aunt. I'll be praying for her.

Good for you for joining the Y! Doesn't it feel good to relax a bit?

I'm sorry, too, that you're not feeling so good about your self-care. The Y membership sounds great. Do you walk at all? I remember reading that a study found a daily 30 minute walk was as effective as a antidepressant for mild depression. Even taking an antidepressant, I feel a big difference when I'm in the habit and not. Your kids could be your walking buddies to keep your motivation up. Tama used to post about walking with her kids, and her H.

((((BTE))))

Thank you EO. My mom called to update me. They took my Aunt off the meds that kept her in a coma. But she hasn't come out of the coma yet. She isn't getting worse so though, so I suppose that is a good thing.

I don't walk much. It's pretty boring to me lol... As for the kids walking with me, that's one of my biggest struggles right now, I don't enjoy being around my kids. Most people, that's what keeps them going. I love them, I really do, I just don't enjoy them and I'm afraid they know it. I dread coming home after work, I don't really like going places with them. I feel awful for it. I just don't know how to change it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

BTE, isn't the not wanting to be around the kids part of the depression? The not wanting to do things you used to enjoy? It'll come back.

I hear you, walking can get boring, especially when you aren't enjoying stuff like you usually do. Is there any activity that would be fun? Maybe you could start small, like 10 minutes, and work up?

The anti-d's I'm supposed to take aren't for depression. They are for PMDD. I don't feel depressed like I used to when I knew I was depressed lol. Maybe I am depressed. I"m not sure if that would change me enjoying being around the girls. I really don't enjoy little kids very much at all. When they are out of town I am fine. Little kids are just so needy. I'm sure if I wasn't so stressed I'd feel a lot better, like I had more to give.