My Story
We have been married 10 years. Both professionals and two kids 6 and 3. I fanally realize that we have allowed our marriage to slowly degrade and we are at the point of rebuilding. We have not met each othere emotional needs and began love busting. I read DR H books and began utilizing his techniques 6 months ago but not consistent because I was battling depression. Depression is now over and I am ready to move forward with building our marriage. Depression stemmed from losing my father (best friend) two years ago and my mother being diagnosed with brest cancer 1 year after my dad'd death. My wife was able to meat my emotional needs following my dad's death but I was not meeting hers. Eventually the toll became burdensome for her and she stopped meeting my needs which fueled the depression. I saw professional help to battle the depresion and started marriage counseling. I ended 2005 with getting a handle on the depression and confessing to my wife that our relationship was at the point were neither of us was meeting each other emeotional needs. I begged that she go to counseling and she was reuctant to do so. I told her that I have been giving up on the marriage and these were the type of conditions that could result in affairs. I told her we were on the path of divorce if we did not take steps to fix marriage. What that caused was her feeling threatened and scared. She ended up withrawing and asking that I give her space. The space made me realize how much I loved her and that divorce was not an option for me. I realized that she was the most important person in my life and she helped me recover from depression. I realized I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life and be the best husband I could be. I gave her space and 6 weeks later I found out she began a frienship with a total stranger she met at a conference which led to a breif online sexuall afair. No physical contact but got to the point of making plans to engage in affair. I got suspicious and invaded her privacy (emails) and discovered her plans. I confronted her and told her I understood how we got to this point. I was not there for her and broke the comfort of the marriage when I brougth up divorce. Today I am working on rebuilding our marriage. She says she has ended the online affair but has decided to remain proffesional friends with person. She plans to see him on her busness trip and have dinner with him. My feeling are torn over this and I am sucking it up. She tells me she is emotionally numb and neutral in her feelings towards me. I have been following plan A for 4 weeks and she says she is very appretiative of my new attitude and thankfull for how I am. However I am feeling hurt about her new friendship and don't want to bring it up because it may reverse all the progress we have made. Who has been trough similar experiences. Does plan A really work to help restore your spouses love. She is not opeing up to me and I am feeling very vulnerable about her relationship with another guy although she says it is now just a professional friendship. I am in no point of making any demands that she does not continue such a friendship as this will kill all chances of building love (I think). Anyone have success and can share some ligth at the end of the tunnel

Welcome to MB, Gomez...

You are feeling hurt about her new friendship. Let's call it what it is...an affair. She chose to allow a man, other than you, to meet her ENs, including SF, online or not. EA. She is now putting her choice of association and contact above the marriage. That's an A.

There are boundaries in marriage. The marriage itself has them, and then you both have them. Begin by calling things what they are...actions are discernable. Your WW may believe it is not an A; you can respect that you both believe differently.

Does plan A really work? Yes. Saved my marriage. Includes exposure, you know...to her work, family, your family...friends. How do you feel about that?

There is an important difference between making demands and enforcing boundaries.

Nothing kills all chances of building love like an A. Boundary enforcement does not kill love.

Choose to see the light, Gomez...just as you did for the depression--you have today. Learn all you can about relationships, your reactions, beliefs and feelings. Learn "I feel" and "I believe" statements. Listen and repeat. Lots of communication building, marriage building, life building knowledge here.

An A continues as long as there is contact. People change jobs, states, countries...they do what it takes. Begin respecting your wife, G...she may have felt abandoned when you DJ'd and said the marriage was on track to a divorce. I statements would have come in handy here. Anyway, she feels, thinks and believes seperately. They are hers and yours are yours. You are seperate and equal humans. You do not cause, control or can cure her of anything. She has had a lot of life changes, as well as you.

Her issues are hers. Do not suck up anything. Do not continue to create resentments against your wife. Learn why you give yourself permission to do this to you and to her.

Read all you can here in this forum. Really helps. You're not alone.

LA

My W had EA (no real contact). There is no way I would let her have dinner with OM now. I would divorce her first. That may not be what you want to hear, but I wouldn't hesitate in my situation. There is no way I would let that happen.

so do I request that she make no contact with Other man. Or do I not say anything and let her continue her dinner plans. How do I support plan A in this case

How do you think your wife would be acting if the roles were reversed? She had an online sexual affair with this man and now she tells you she wishes to keep contact with him professionally and plans to meet him for dinner. What is wrong with this picture? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

Thanks for the guidance I will confront her about total separation from this person and hope that this will begin a path to recovery. I am now reading surviving an affair and I sea that DR H says total separation is the key to ending the affair

Attached is an email I asked her to read. Am I on the rigth track
Dear xxx,

I have been trying to come up with the best compromise for us to build and recover our marriage. As I expressed to you this morning my feelings about your relationship with John are very painful for me. I never thought we would suffer through this type of experience in our marriage. I know that it is also a very emotional experience for you also. I have been working on suppressing my feelings of hurt. This trip to DC has made me realize that the pain is very real and is there. I have forgiven you for the emotional affair you had with John and I focus on putting the past actions behind me because I love you and you are important to me. I am torn inside that the relationship continues. I can only ask that you understand how painful this is and I am also trying to understand how painful this is for you also.



My request is for the benefit of our marriage and our family. I want us to begin the path of recovery and want nothing more that to create an exceptional marriage between us. A marriage were we can fully trust each other, feel safe that we can shelter our emotions with each other, a marriage were we know conflict can exist and we have the tools and strength to work through those conflicts, a marriage that is based on a foundation of friendship, a marriage where we can allow each other to grow in different direction yet always remain connected in our love for each other, a marriage where we can operate together as exceptional parents and show our children love by example.



I do not feel that the professional relationship of friendship with John can help our marriage recover and begin to prosper in that direction. I can only suggest that you try to reverse roles and try to place yourself in my shoes



If I were to have an emotional affair with another woman were I shared my feeling and deepest sexual desires and she reciprocated such feelings and desires, how would you feel.

If I were to tell you that I will no longer continue that tyoe of relationship with that person but I will remain friends and communicate frequently with that person and visit that person on trips, how would you feel



I believe the best interest for us as a family and marriage is total separation from John. I am requesting this respectfully for the benefit of protecting the marriage that we have with each other. My feelings are hurtfull ones and yours are also hurtfull ones. I am not making this request out of selfishness because I want to protect the feelings I have about you and conitinue to grow in a positive direction for us. This has been the most difficult time for our marriage and I believe in the words that I have heard from a friend “This To Shall Pass”. I request that you discuss total separation with John by telephone and that you do not see him in person. Again this is a request the choices are yours to make. I make this request so that we can put closure to an affair that once existed and we can move away from this point and begin to rebuild our marriage. I will place every brick on the foundation alone if I have to and I will support you not being ready to jump into marriage building. I believe that over time the foundation that one person can build will help the other person join in on the construction once the possibilities are realized how good this could be (that is a construction analogy of mine).



I love you and I love the family that we have built. I want to protect us all from painfull experiences and build an exceptional family.



Thank you for considering my request



I love you. I really do

Gomez,

I have a favor to ask...wanted to ask this of others here, as well...when you post something for our comments, after the fact is only half-good. See, whatever is done is already done. You're not alone. Many times I'll see an email or letter and say...hey, I'd take that out...or change something into an I statement...and they say, "I already sent it." I think you understand the little bit of futility I have with the after-the-fact. I do appreciate you sharing, however. Being here.

One of the most mind-boggling things about As are that the empathy factor, the "how would you feel if I did it" isn't there. Can't relate, at all. When it was me, I was all for BH getting a GF...to relieve me of my guilt so I could continue doing what I was doing (which I was doing anyway)...and when BH became WH, well, I was wiped off the map with pain. Go figger. Rational rules don't apply here. Same with him...he will tell me today, he was selfish and happy with that selfishness...no "would you feel" could reach him.

That is what entitlement is, Gomez. Reasonable, loving and logic don't apply. Entitlement fueled by resentment and a lack of respect is the definition of an A. Know this now so that you aren't treating the symptoms, but the cause.

I love your beginning, your commitment, your enthusiasm and excitement for what you now know can be a great marriage. Sounds like pure sharing and caring. The Openness and Honesty (O&H) about your feelings and pain is very important. Glad you got SAA.

Reinserting respect into the marriage, I believe, is of primary importance to recoverying from an A. Understanding and purging resentments, with an pledge to not make new ones, is also important. This will eat away two of the three ingredients to an A. The entitlement is the WS's own to deal with alone. Their Taker will calm down without resentment to feed on and lack of respect to defend against. The Giver will peek out and be horrified by the entitlement.

LA

thanks for your support. I finally feel like I have some help in dealing with this. It is encouraging to hear your point of view. I will come here fisrt before I take the next steps. What is SAA?

If she decides not to follow through with my request I should discuss that this is important to reinsirt respect to the marriage correct?

Was the letter strong enough

Should I contact the other guy and express my feelings towards him. I dicovered the affair in May 2. I told my wife I understood how we got to this point. One mistake I think I made was I told her that I was not sure what she wanted and I told her to continue comunicating and exploring her feelings abouth other guy. She had planned on seeing him this week was the core of what could have turned into a physical affair. Before she left on trip she said she was not planning to see him but changed her mind because she wanted to maintain a professional contact with this person. (He was a total stranger up to January of this year). So I did not make any attempts to stop contact and honored her request for privacy by allowing her to change email passwords and cell phone passwords. I am begining to see that I am setting a bad stage. So I am here now where she says she will continue a professional relationship with a divorced person with two kids. She says she is not stupid and willing to throw away her marriage, wealth and children for someone she hardly knows. I will send an update whenever she states her desicion

She came back from trip and told she met with OP and discussed with him that a PA was not responsible because she has to consider her family and it is not the rigth thing to do. She told me they will remain friends and she will have correspondense with him. I counseled with S Harley. I am to focus my energy on a modified plan A. Protect my energy, be supportive to her and her needs. We spoke in depth last nite and wife says I have not met her needs for a long time. She is a career woman and she does not feel good about coming home because of the demands that and pressures she has felt in the past to be a wife. She has been stuggling with her weigth emotionally, she is very attractive (Victoria secret type woman), never overweigth but she felt that way. She says her confidence is back and she feels good about herself. Says she felt her sexuallity was lost because she did not feel good about herself and the OP gave her the good feelings she has been missing. So for now I will focus on trying to get her to begin researching the concepts of marriage builders. I will have to put aside her future correspondence with other guy and hope it does not rekindle.

"What is SAA?" What you're reading, Surviving An Affair.

Find out if he is really divorced. It would be a public record. If he is, expose to his ex-wife...tell her that her children may be exposed to his affair with a married woman.

He might not be divorced at all. Expose.

Keeping counseling with Harley. I can see why exposure will not make sense when you believe you have given permission for this relationship. Permission for privacy. Permission to have an A.

Tough spot. You're not alone nor wrong. Hoping won't save your marriage. Research and choosing to act on it will. Educate yourself about her ENs...then revoke your permission to experiment, be a friend, correspond in private and to have secrets...including passwords and cell records.

You can do this. Read LoveBusters (LBs) and work hard to eliminate them. You're not done. You haven't lost your marriage. You're growing.

LA

does exposure really work in plan a? my family would disown her how does that help situatuion..she would be embarassed to come back