Ok, my W has made me cry before with her cruelty, but I've never cried from be cared for...everyone here is so wonderful, thank you so very very very much.

I talked to a lawyer today. I was feeling ok all day (normally I hit a real low right after lunch) but by the time I got done talking to the lawyer, the pain came back full force and I just wanted to crawl into a corner again. I talked to my mom and dad, and a co-worker who is becoming a great friend and listens to me vent...even when we go skiing together. In hopes that talking about it could help raise my spirits again...no luck.

There is one other co-worker that is a great supporter too, I just didn't talk to that person after the lawyer.

Anyway, the lawyer thinks that I have a pretty good chance of winning initial custody during the first phase of the seperation/divorce. I can prove that I have been doing everything for our daughter for several months now. She strongly suggested that I do what I can to get the ball rolling and get my WW served with papers first...that way my lawyer and I can control the flow of the procedings instead of always responding to my WW and her lawyer.

It seems like it makes since, but if I do that, then it's going to be a sign to my WW that I am giving up isn't it? I want to do what is in the best interest of me and my D, but if I get my WW served first, won't that hinder any possibilities of saving our M?

She also said that I can't really stop my WW from taking our daughter out of state to see OM. Not until one of us is served, then a temporary order is put in place to keep things from going crazy, like one spouse taking the kid out of state, or selling the house...things like that. Once that is in place, she won't be able to legally take our D out of the state...that's a good thing, but it won't stop the OM from coming out here.

Also, she wouldn't have grounds to kick me out of the house, unless she makes up some BS story about me being abusive. The problem is that although we can go and fight the charge, I would have to leave until we had a court order allowing me back into the house. But then I'm put in a state where I'm having to prove a negative (prove that I am not abusive), and by the time that is done we will be at the point where we would be at the temporary order stage, and the court isn't going to kick my W and put me in...is this making sense?

Another problem is the retaining fee....holy cow! That is a lot of money, and more than likely the total cost is going to be 3 times the initial retaining fee!!! They don't do payment plans, though I could get a loan, but my credit is pretty much screwed thanks to the enormous credit card debt my WW has racked up.

Now I'm pretty suspicious as to why she wants to refi our 2nd mortgage...so we can pay off the credit cards, so she can rack them back up with legal fees. Meanwhile leaving me with no money to help defend myself with.

I'm not above asking my parents for help, but I just don't think they can provide that much support...anyone heard of a family lawyer looking to do some pro-bono work? LOL

Any suggestions? Do I find a way to scrape up the money to serve her first...or do I continue to plan A and just react calmly to her actions? I don't think I should be looking at plan B yet...it hasn't been long enough, so the way I'm leaning is to go ahead and let her serve me, and hold off on plan B until one of us is forced out of the house, or she leaves voluntarily.

Though I do think that I should retain the lawyer so I can respond properly and legally if/when I am served.

I would take the lead as your attorney suggests ... MAN UP.

Jeeze ... UVA's post was breath-taking ... be sure to copy that one!

Do not allow your wife to even hear the words "marriage builders" until the affair is blown apart ... then invite her into the fold .... until then, we are yours alone, not hers.

Can you tell me why (more than "Manning up")? Won't that be switching to plan B? Already? Won't it be telling her that I have given up, and that it is ok to continue on hurting me and our D?

Plab B is premature right now ....do a great Plan A .... as UVA outlined

If the attorney said it is to your advantage to file first .. in order to control the speed of the process... that seems reasonable to me.

I am not an attorney ... but there are some here on MB ... Mr Wondering is an attorney ... so I'll bet you will be getting some support in that area when they are NOT asleep. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I got a voice activated recorder...the problem is that it's not sensitive enough. I tested it out and even at it's most sensitive setting, it has to really close to pick anything up and start recording. I guess I'll just have to find a better one tomorrow...I'd like to get one of the ones that plugs into the phone line to get both sides of the conversation, and one to hide outside or in her car to pick up when she's on the cell phone, but this one that I got isn't sensitive enough...bummer.

It's going to be tough too...it's my reserve weekend and I'm always very predictable, it would raise suspision in her if I'm not home at my normal time...maybe I can get one during lunch.

**VENTING**
This sucks...why do I have to snoop, why can't she just see what she is doing is wrong, end the relationship with him right now and swear to me that we will work together to make our marriage better?
**End of venting**

I know that isn't going to happen, and I know that I have to not allow myself to think that it might. But I can always hope...right <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

G_F,

Protect your child and your situation first. If you don't seize the high ground you will get hammered. She may decide the A is not worth it if she finds she cannot get EVERYTHING she wants. Further, as UVA said, if you show you will fight for those you care most about, and let your W manipulate you, you have a better chance with plan A.

Also once you file, do what has been suggested. You tell her to talk to your lawyer about divorce, and you will talk about rebuilding the marriage. And repeat this. Pep, mentions this again in another post to you.

You need the legal stuff done to protect yourself and your child. Get with it. Your lawyer is giving you good advice. If you get booted out, and your child taken from you, THEN the legal costs REALLY go up. Save yourself a lot of money by acting as your lawyer suggests.

God Bless,

JL

GF,

About the tape recorder. What one did you get? Is it digital? Most of them have a sensitivity control on it so that could be adjusted. Be SURE that if it has a beep on it that you have that turned OFF. If it has a red light on it, cover it with black electrical tape. If it is digital, the battery life is very short, especially if it is outside in colder temps. Also, be sure to use a lithium battery designed for digital devices.

For the phone line, there is a device that I bought a Radio Shack for something like $15. It plugs into the phone jack (obviously you have to be sure it's hidden), then into the recorder. I put it on voice activate and it picks up every single sound on the line.

GF~
Lawyers only care about who wins in court. That is why I said you must tell your lawyer you want to SAVE the marriage.
You see the one who files first has an advantage but because your wife is in the throws of an affair she will not be able to control the entire thing. If your lawyer is worth a $hit, they will be able to present to the court what is going on with her if it comes to that.
You have done good, but it is hard work. Take time to rest and collect your thoughts.
Do NOT pull the trigger on the divorce bomb until you speak with STEVE HARLEY. When is your appointment? If you did not get the appointment, call first thing Monday morning and ask to get one the same day.
You have been given all great advice, now you need help getting your plan together. Steve will do that for you.

How was sleeping in your bed last night?

I got the device that plugs into the voice recorder at radio shack. I also got another voice recorder that I'm thinking will work well in her car/outside...a really small digital one.

Today was really rough. I couldn't stop thinking about it and it kept getting worse and worse. Then I met up with my WW and DD and I instantly felt better just seeing both of them.

The problem came when she told me that she found a great little hair, makeup, and dress up place to take our daughter. She told our D all about it and got her all excited, then told her that they are going to go when the OM comes out to visit. She's using the excitement of the dress up place to get her excited to see the OM.

I'm literally sick to my stomach. She also asked if I had thought about how custody is going to work out. I said "what exactly are you getting at?" She said "well how are we going to work out sharing her?" so I said "she is not a commodity to be shared...she is a human being and we need to do what is best for her."

That pissed her off, and she asked why I was back in the bedroom (she's been sleeping on the air mattress the last couple nights) and I told her "I haven't done anything wrong, and do not deserve to be sleeping outside of my bed." I was so tempted to say "I'm not the one having the affair"...but I didn't, I kept the focus on me.

She said something about when I move out, and that I'm not going to get the house or our D because I can't afford to pay the mortgage and support our D. I told her that I'm not moving out, and that is what child support is for.

She then said that she had a piece of paper for me to sign...I don't know what that is though, and she won't tell me anything about her talks with her lawyer.

We split up at that point, I took our D to a movie and WW went to get wedding supplies for her friends wedding next weekend in Vegas.

When she was walking away I said "Hey, (insert WW's name here) I love you!" She stopped and gave me a disgusted look and said "why do you have to do that crap?"...I just replied, "I'm not going to stop being honest with you." And we went our seperate ways.

I feel so close to just giving up...talk me out of it please?!?

Wow. Your WW sounds like she already considers herself to be divorced. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You probably feel really discouraged right about now, but I hope you realize that your wife's current goal is to make you feel like the situation is hopeless. It's all 'babble'. She's verbalizing her fantasy and her rationalizations.

What did you decide on as far as retaining the lawyer, btw? Personally, I think it would be a wise thing to do. Your WW seems very determined to try to 'normalize' her relationship with OM by exposing your daughter to him. I think I'd have something to say about that if I were you. I'd have something to say about being put out of my home too!

You know, Plan A doesn't mean that you don't do what you need to do. It just means that you do it with a pleasant demeanor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It might make you feel a little more grounded if you read UVA's post to you again. It was brilliant, as is all the other input you've had on this thread.

And remember that even though your situation feels hopeless. It's not. That may be kind of hard to believe right now, but waywards ALL behave nastily while they're pulling away. And even the very worst of them are capable of recovery.

I just want to say that I truly appreciate everything every one has said, and the support you all have given me.

I specifically want to single out UVA, I know that it took a long time to write that advice post. Believe me, it's contents are not lost on it's target.

Also, I want to thank Resilient to directing me here, I don't know how I would be serviving right now if you hadn't.

Dazed: your posts are always full of wonderful advice, but not only that, they always seem to help lift my spirits.

The wonderings...thank you again for your wonderful gift...it's a good thing my current college class is over on Monday...I'll have more time to read!

I do find that I am having a very hard time concentrating on my school work, and am afraid that I might have to take a break after this class, until I am better able to concentrate.

Thanks again everyone!

Well, I looked at her phone this morning. I didn't really see anything damning on her part, but I did see an email to the OM where she said she was going to see a lawyer and "game on!".

This has solidified in my mind the necessity for me to retain a lawyer immediately.

GF, I would not allow her to drag your DD into her sleazy affair. This is how little girls end up molested. This man is a pig, and your DD should not be around him. When it comes to your DD, you have to lay down a line and do what it takes to protect your child from your W.

Wayward spouses often use their children to "normalize" their sleazy affairs, in order to give them a false air of respectibility. Don't allow your DD to be used like this. I would tell your wife that in order to drag your DD into her sleazt affair, she will need a court order and a BIG [censored] SHOTGUN. Protect your DD, GF!

Force HER to go to a judge and explain that she wants to take your DD to meet her affair partner.

Remember, you are the parent here, too! And when your DD's well being is being threatened, you have an obligation, as her FATHER, to protect her from harm.

When will you be exposing this affair? Because I see the lack of exposure here to be a HUGE IMPEDIMENT. That lack of action is enabling your W to pursue this sick little fantasy and even drag your own child into the mess without interference. She needs a HUGE WAKE UP CALL, and exposure may help facilitate that.

I would let her know that you don't intend on getting divorced, so custody won't be an issue. But if it does come to that, you will seek 100% given that she is in an affair and thinks its ok to drag an innocent child into her sleazy affair.

Tell her just the FACT that she wants to introduce your DD to her AFFAIR PARTNER is a testament to her fitness that will not look good in court! Perhaps that will discourage her in dragging your D into her affair.

FIGHT THIS Dammit !!!!!

Are you not ANGRY ???

Think of your DD calling this sh1thold 'dad' in a year or two !

Now FIGHT!

I would have KILLED OM before my kids called him "dad" and I mean it.

This poor little girl is likely experiencing great moral confusion and self doubt because she is being told that WRONG is RIGHT by being dragged into a sleazy affair. This moral confusion will cause her lifelong damage that will be hard to overcome, unless you start protecting her, GF.

Not only should be protected from this affair, but she should be told that it is an AFFAIR and that AFFAIRS are immoral. She needs MORAL GUIDANCE. She already senses this is wrong, but probably no one is validating what she clearly senses. With no moral guidance, only moral CONFUSION can result.

Thank god you guys and UVA and others have shown up on this thread. This poor man is totally screwed without your help.
GF, It sounds very much to me that the A of four years ago never had any consequences for your WW to feel or suffer.
You will see many times on this forum: NO CONSEQUENCES= NO MOTIVATION TO CHANGE!
It seems that you excused your WW infedelity the last time and she got the message that it was OK to engage again, after all, NO CONSEQQENCES LAST TIME.
You desperately need to change this convuluted attitude you have toward your WW. Stop being her doormat, unless you somehow have no problem sharing your WW with another man?!
What were you thinking of in driving her to airport to fly off and see OM. How did that make you feel? Or, as DR Phil would say, "hows that working for ya?"
Come on GF, you've got to admit you have been screwing this up since 4 years ago, and it's time to make major changes in what you do and how you handle these matters.
Listen to the vets here, they won't stir you wrong.
All Blessings,
Jerry

Um, shinethrough/Jerry...I think that maybe you meant your last post to be for jlost on his thread...perhaps I have missed something in GF's thread, but I was under the impression that this is his WW's first (and we pray only) affair...

Mrs. Wondering

Umm, yea. Unless you know something I don't, this is her first one!

I feel exactly the way that you do Melody and Bob. I do not want my daughter to know this man. My lawyer though says that I have no grounds to keep him from flying out here and my WW from introducing them.

Sure I could turn violent, but that is not going to help with winning my WW back, or winning custody if a divorce does occur.

Melody, I will be exposing. She plans on being out of the house tonight when I get home from work. She has to finish up her quarter close (she's an accounting manager), and have everything submitted by tomorrow. So, she'll be out of the house until late.

This will give me time to set up the recorder where she won't find it, without worry of her coming home during the set up.

I will be exposing...I have two criteria, either I get some more substantial proof, or she goes to Vegas. I am not going to wait until after she goes to Vegas to expose with the information I already have.

GF...

Yes, the others are right, she is trying to legitimize her affair...YUCK...listen to Melody and take a stand that strong against allowing this...

Also, you take your daughter to the makeover place instead...invite your wife to go, she'll be angry and will probably say no...but don't you let that stop you from taking your little girl and enjoying her...she will love it...Here's the link for the place that your WW is refering to... Club Libby Lu I know because we have a DD6 and that's where we had her birthday party this year. The makeover takes between 30 & 45 minutes and they let you go shop around while they do it...afterwards take your DD to dinner-she'll most likely be wearing the tiara from her makeover and she will feel like a princess-you want to be a part of that...make it a Daddy/Daughter date...those are so very special, and something that Mr. Wondering does with our DD quite a bit...it's very healthy for a little girl to see how men are suppose to treat them-it stays with them for a lifetime. You ARE the man in your DD's life GF, let no one try to undermine that! Get VERY angry at the thought of OM being the male that shows your little girl how she should be treated by men in the future(notice I said male and not man)...THAT would be a TRAGEDY!!!

Mrs. Wondering