GF, I just saw this. Sorry to be late to the game. Give me some time to read here and see what's up.

In His arms.

Well let me give you a quick update. My wife and I talked for a couple hours last night.

She has not filed yet, because she is still hopefull that we can make this split ammicable. She says she wants to have "true" joint custody...no primary custodian, and certainly not the type of care plan that lines out that one parent has this specific weekend and this specific holiday, etc. etc. etc.

It all sounds fine and dandy, but I'm not sure how well it will/can work.

She also says that in a year or two she might look back and say "geez what a stupid mistake, I need to make this right" (the split-up, she is still denying the affair), but if she doesn't move forward and follow her feelings right now, she'll just be giving my false hope that things will get better.

And I can almost accept all of this and be ready, except for I know she's been lying to me.

To make a long story short, I saw a text message on her phone that she reicieved from another guy at work. I sent it too my phone, and later told her that I had gotten this wierd message from her. She said "ohh that's wierd I thought I sent that to [OM]".

So she obvously doesn't want me to know about her conversations with this other guy at work either. I just wish she would stop hiding stuff from me.

Total addiction rationalization.

'I know this is wrong, and I'll probably regret it, but I'm addicted to this drug and I just have to have it for now.'

Futhermore:

"...and I'm gonna string you along while I may or may not figure this out so you can catch me when I fall flat on my face."

So what do I do? It looks like I've got more Plan A time now, since she's not pushing to file ASAP (she wants to get our finances taken care of) and she wants to make it amicable. So do I just play along and keep plan Aing her? Then if/when we do split, move to Plan B?

waiting for Mortarman's reply

always a treat!

She wants this, she wants that......she doesn't get to make all the choices here! She has chosen to have a relationship with another man; she has chosen to make you a divorced, single Dad. She has chosen to make your daughter another statistic - a child raised in a broken home. You need to set your own boundaries, and make your own choices. This is your life too, and you daughters. Your daughter has had no choice in this; you need to stand up for her.

Your WW wants to rush through this so she can get out of her responsibilities in life. You need to slow it down with statements like:
I do not wish to discuss separation plans with you. I believe that M is forever. That is the commitment I made, and I stand by it.
If you choose to continue this path, and you choose to file for D, I will have to retain an attorney. I have no choice. I need to get the help of a professional so that I can take the emotional aspect out of this for my own well-being.

They ALL want to make a nice easy split where no one spends money on legal fees, and the children are happily split 50/50, and you are all still friends. That is not reality. In real life, when a family is torn apart, and when a WS decides that replacing their spouse is just like finding a new boyfriend in high school, there are going to be problems. Your WW needs to understand that right now.
This business about not putting into writing things like where your DD will spend her holidays, and specifics about the parenting plan is not a good idea for you. Trust me on this. You want every detail in writing. For your benefit as well as your DD. Hopefully your WW will wake up before any of this stuff happens, but if you do have to draw up a parenting plan, then make sure you hire a lawyer to spell it all out. Otherwise you would both end up back in court within 2 years arguing about parenting time, and child support.
If your parenting plan says that you each have DD 50% of the time, your WW will not likely have to pay you child support. So you go along with her plan, the judge signs off the final paperwork, and 6 months later you realize that you have DD 75% of the time, which you love, but you are also paying for 75% of her care - clothes, school expenses, birthday parties, food, utilities, you name it. Meanwhile your WW is always too busy on the weekends to take DD shopping to buy clothes, or help with expenses. She would say things like "I know I should help more, but I can't this weekend because I am going to be in Las Vegas"
You are the only sane person in the relationship. You need to get your parenting plan completely in writing. A lawyer will anticipate things you never would have thought of.

Of course she wants to keep this simple. If it becomes too difficult she might start to wonder if she is doing the right thing.

Tearing apart a family is not supposed to be easy, or amicable.

P.S.
They all push to file ASAP. You hear things like "I am working on it right now, you will get paperwork any day now" and nothing arrives.
they drag their feet while you stress, worry and anticipate.

Two reasons that they don't actually file the paperwork ASAP as they have threatened:
1. money - it costs money to file. That would take money out of her fun fund. How would she be able to party and have fun in Vegas if she had to wrtie a check for $500 to file the papers.

2. when it comes right down to it - putting the destruction of her marriage into writing will take more guts then she realizes. it is easy to say "I need to be free!! To move on with me life!! To find myself!!" But in reality, putting it all into writing puts her face to face with what she is doing.

I saw a sign at Starbucks this morning that said, in essence:
"Life is all about creating yourself, not finding yourself"

I like this one (Churchill) at the Y"

"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give."

Tearing apart a family is not supposed to be easy, or amicable.


for emphasis

Ditto!!

In His arms.

Okay...I finally got thru all of this. My response is forthcoming.

But admininistratively, I must give a big "hooah" to everyone here! You responded quite well. GF is already well down the road of Plan A. Good job folks.

Honorable mention to UVA with his brilliant outline. Must reading for newbies.

And speaking of newbies...Dazed, welcome to the fight! It's always good to see a fellow MBer come out of their sitch and begin to use their hard fought knowledge and skills to help others. As everyone here knows, Dazed has probably pulled off one of the best Plan A's I have seen on this site! Anyway, Dazed...you know the ropes. And we can always use another soldier here!

In His arms.

GF,

I have a couple of questions for you before I comment?

1. Rank in the military? What service?
2. How long married?
3. Age of daughter?
4. What does your wife do?
5. Since you are now in the reserves, what do you do fulltime?
6. Work hours for both of you?
7. Are you a Christian? Is your wife?

Okay, you have begun the good fight. The folks here are some of the best on this blog to helping guide you. And they have laid it out pretty good. With that in mind, I must first of all center you. And here is my overall advice:

#1...YOU are the leader of your family. Not your wife, nor your in-laws, nor Steve Harley, nor us. You, sir, must make the decisions here. You are fighting this fight. You are the man in command, on the ground. We are all just support. So, you have to take all advice here and look at it, and then look at the situation in front of you to make the decision based on what you see. Understand? As a military guy, the generals in the rear can make all the plans they want...and they usually are dead on. But it is the leader on the ground that has to decide when and where it all happens, based on the conditions in front of him. Do your own METT-T analysis (if you are Army, then you know what I am talking about). For thsoe that arent Army, METT-T stands for: Mission, Enemy, Troops, Terrain and Time. In all of this, you can use that to figure out what is going on.

What is your mission? Well, the overall one is to serve your God. But then comes the mission of saving your family. Below that, will come the missions of Plan A and Plan B. And so on.

The enemy. Right now, your wife is as much an enemy to your family as the OM is. Treat her as such. Trust nothing she says, and only half of what you see. As orchid and others have postulated, she has been taken over by aliens. That is NOT your wife you are dealing with. It is a WW...a very coniving, deceitful and hideous creature. Your wife is buried somewhere inside of there. As you go thru this, you will learn the actions that defeat the enemy. Many of those actions are counter-intuitive to what you would normally be thinking is the right thing to do.

Troops. These are the forces that you have at your disposal. Starting with us here. We are your S-2 (Intelligence). We know the lay of the land. We know all about the enemy and what their tactics and COAs (courses of action) are. The enemy hardly ever changes tactics. Another one of your troops is your daughter. While you arent going to "use" her in this battle, it was Steve Harley that told me that my kids were the best asset I had in this war. This is the biggest reason why you MUST seek custody (as well as you dont want aliens raising your daughter). Other troops are Steve Harley (the EXPERT!), your pastor, close friends and relatives, a PI, etc. All of the assets at your disposal.

Terrain. Okay, in the military, it would be what is the land mass in front of me. In this case, it is the "lay of the land." Understanding all of the variables. Where does OM work? What things does your wife value (such as is she a part of a church group...and would be devasted if they found out she was sleeping around)? Figure out where the high ground is. Understand what direction fo attack she will most likely try. And so on.

Time. You at times ,will feel rushed. By yourself, by your wife...even by us! Please dont be. As you go thru this, you will slowly begin to understand the power you have. Remember, YOU decide when and where a battle will happen...not your wife. If she wants a discussion (read: argument) and you arent prepared for it, then bow out. You dont owe a WW ANYTHING!! They deserve NOTHING! Also, please go in this website and learn how long these things take. This stuff will take a lot longer then you think.

Okay, we got thru that.

Now, please understand that timing is critical here. You cant talk about Plan B until you have accomplished Plan A. Many even here will want to rush into Plan B. Slow down. Learn what the plans are all about (go to Dazed's thread to see the discussion on this).

You sir need to get your plan in something like OPORD (operations order) format. Get it written down (NOT where your wife can find it!!). Read it daily to understand your mission and your goals.

Also, you MUST document EVERYTHING. Begin journaling everyday. Write down everything! it is admissable in court AND it will also help you remain sane as you go thru this. I say that because sometimes, you will think you havent made any progress. But, going back and reading will help you see the steps you have made.

Legal representation is vital! You dont have a womb, so you are at a deficit to start. Mrs. Wondering gave you a great link to an e-book that is great for gaining custody (I got custody!). Read it. Tell your lawyer that you want custody and want to protect the family assets. But also important is that you tell your attorney that you are attempting to save your marriage...NOT divorce. he may try to talk you into things...dont let him. You write the check...he works for YOU!!

Another thing is that you are going to have to get smart. becoem an expert on affairs, marriage, love, etc. Read, read, read!!! By the time this is over, you will be like Dazed...a subject matter expert in all of this. You cant fight the enemy if you are ignorant of this stuff. Time to get smart.

I will stop now and await your answer to the questions at the beginning of my post before going further. I find it a lot easier to get military men to get onboard MB quickly, because of our training. We want a plan...and MB gives us that plan. Steve Harley is the EXPERT in coming up with the plan. Your OPORD will come from him.

Just like we Americans didnt choose to be attacked on 9/11...you didnt choose this attack on your marriage. But you have been attacked, nonetheless! There are two people counting on you to stand up and fight (yes...your wife is one of them!!). You have a duty and responsibility here. No matter how bad it hurts, no matter how hard it becomes...surrender is not an option.

As the motto for my former battalion says..."Ever Forward."

In His arms.

*sigh*

I love me some Mortarman

Well, I see why I was supposed to put my plea for help in the subject line!

As far as your questions are concerned:

1. Rank in the military? What service? Technical Sargeant - E-6
2. How long married? 6 1/2 years
3. Age of daughter? 5
4. What does your wife do? Accounting Manager
5. Since you are now in the reserves, what do you do fulltime? I am a contract employee in the IT field
6. Work hours for both of you? me 8-5 Mon-Fri; WW supposedly 8-5, but she works when she wants (tends to go in late and stay late, and works weekends a lot too)
7. Are you a Christian? Is your wife? Me: Yes, not practicing. WW: no

Thanks for the advice so far Mortarman...I really look forward to any other pearls of wisdom you share!

MM,

Do you mind if I copy your post above and give it to military posters when they first arrive here? Of course, I will give you credit but I find it to be a perfect MB opening Salvo (sp?) in such situations and if you aren't around I can deliver it, in essence, for you.

GF - I think this was already posted but I want you to be clear. The journal you will be using in court to demonstrate all the things you are doing to save the marriage but it will mostly come in handy to demonstrate all that you do and she does not do for the kids. It must be handwritten and dated. It is more a military log of the days events, listing times and things done by you, WW, OM and your daughter. I'd say don't fill it with to much introspection into your problems or MB notes as you want to portray yourself in the best light therein. Just imagine it being read aloud in open court...what would you want the court to know happened that day so that they could better determine "the best interests of the child".

Mr. Wondering

The WIs (wayward insurgents) don't stand a chance now that Mortorman is on the scene!

-ol' 2long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Me too Pep...I somehow picture him wearing a cape that says "MM for MB through Christ", and of course a big Cross displayed prominently on his chest...


Yes, GF, and what's more amazing is that MM won't take the credit for his wisdom...he will readily tell you that his gift of guidance is a gift from Christ...

That's why I told you that I believe his advice to be divinely inspired...

GF, can you think of a better time than now to rededicate your life to Christ? Putting your focus upon Him will grant you the strength that you will need as you go forth into this battle...Please begin praying...the power of Christian prayer is awe inspiring...

MM, FYI...GF's OM happens to be in the same state that you are in...cross country from GF and his WW-just wanted to make sure that you and GF saw the benefits regarding custody where this is concerned...Also, MM, do you know if your state allows for lawsuits regarding "loss of consortium"/"alienation of affection"? Hmmmm...thought I'd throw it out there...

GF, what happened regarding your appt. with Steve Harley???


Continuing Prayers For You...


Mrs. Wondering

Ditto what she said.

Let me throw this out there to think about.
in my opinion - the act of marriage is proof that God exists. God invented the whole concept of marriage. if God didn't invent it, who did? Who else would have? Why would two people suddenly decide to stand up before a few people and make a spoken commitment to stay togehter through sickness and in health until death do us part?

so if God invented marriage, shouldn't we listen to what he has to say about it? Shouldn't we read his instruction manual?

You may be feeling like you can't possibly go to church right now, when your marriage is a wreck. But trust me, you will not be the only one there who is hurting, and struggling. Jesus did not come to heal people who were all ready healthy - he came to help us sinners!

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