Thank you for your generous offer Aphelion, although I did decide to postpone my appt. with S Harley until I have the money in my private account.

I appreciate everyones advice and oppinion, and though I'm sure many of you disagree with my decision, thank you for your continued support. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have a question for Mr. W, or anyone for that matter with a legal background. What my wife was talking about the other night was an injunction to have me removed from the house for saying "Daddy is going to work very hard to keep our family together and happy."

My wife said that this was the straw that broke the camels back, and when she told her lawyer what I said, he offered to write an injuction immediately. The basis being that I underhandedly blamed my WW for our problems and the break-up. She said it was a sign that I was trying to turn her into the bad guy with our DD.

I know that my WW is stuck in her fog right now, and I also recognize that her telling me about this, and pointing out that she "could have had me thrown out but didn't to protect our DD and our chances at staying amicable" is just a way to manipulate me. But is that really grounds for an injunction?

Also, in my state in terms of custody the court takes the approach that they will do what is in the best interest of the child (even though they lean very heavily towards the mother), and that infidelity does not hold any weight in the court in regards to divorce or custody.

And there is the fact that we have a D. My wife is convinced that there is no way that I can win custody, because she makes more than I do, she thinks that she can afford the house on her own, and I can't, and that she is the mother of a girl..."the court almost always gives custody to a mother when the child is a girl"

Can I just say how humbled I am by the show of generosity here?? You guys are a awesome bunch. First the Wonderings got GF a book, now Alphelion offers to pay for his counseling with the Harvey's. WOW! I'm going to say this and it might sound goofy but

"Surely the presence of the Lord is in this place" EVEN IN CYBERSPACE!!!

GF- you're getting the best of the best here.

I have to also chime in and say that they are right on with the documentation stuff. Start your journal today.

Tuesday, April 4th- got daughter up, fed her breakfast, got her dressed, packed her lunch, took her to school, etc. No help from wife-she stayed in bed (or whatever)

EVERY little detail, even though it seems so minor could actually be something in court. When she's not home, document it. When she's not being involved in her daughters life, document it. When she's abusive and rude towards you, document it. Keep it in a safe place so she will not find it. I might even suggest copies to a friend or safe deposit box for safekeeping.

Reference the discussions you're having with her regarding the marriage and what you say to her and what she says to you. It's going to be tons of information but I personally know people this has paid off for. If you have to have it it will be there.

Unfortunately, anybody can file a court petition for nearly anything. I am not a divorce attorney in my state let alone knowing anything about the divorce laws out west however, in some states if she were to file they might award a "temporary injunction or custody order" pending a later resolution in open court.

She can feed her attorney all sorts of crap, beyond what you actually stated above and request an "emergency custody order along with a order that you vacate the premises". This order you must obey if you ever hope to win anything in court. Then you immediately hire your attorney, ask for an expedited herein for the "emergency reasons" you have and prepare to dispute the petition and hopefully win.

The down side really would be that you would then be in the defensive posture and stuck defending yourself OUTSIDE the marital home. You will end up behind the 8 ball as far as petitioning for full custody which is why your attorney and the "getting custody file" we bought you indicates it is much better to file first.

Again, winning full custody is a monumental feat in this country. As you've likley read you are at an extreme disadvantage. That's where wayward spouses usually help you out. They are so wrapped up in their addiction that as long as you are not creating too many waves for them they will dig their own graves. You will be responsible for everything regarding your daughter as she can't be bothered right now...HER ADDICTION IS HER SOLE FOCUS. So hopefully you'll have a least a few weeks or a month to document everything and be prepared should the time arise for you to file such preemptive strike.

Concurrently with this preparation you will be Plan A'ing her. You may need to be a little easier on the "stick" portion of the plan A until your ducks are in a row. You've also got your monitoring/snooping systems in place so you can better guage how truthful her threats really are and protect yourself from the common "abuse" ploy. A friend of mine's wife beat herself up trying to get my friend arrested. Luckily, the bag of prescription pills in her purse was sufficient proof for the police to take her in for a mental health evaluation and he eventually won custody but it could have been different...be careful.

I bet she's just trying to scare you and her attorney really said "anything's possible" but lets concern ourselves with more relevant issues and she just took that as a YES and threatened you with it. If she was really having intensive counselation with an attorney he/she would be advising her to cool it with the OM and try to get divorced amicably first.

One day at a time. If she files that petition there's nothing you can do but fight it. Worry about that another day and get YOUR battle plans in order.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks Mr. W!

Your comments make a lot of sense.

I think my WW is trying to throw me for a loop now to get me off balance. She's actually being nice. Last night she packed up a huge bag of candy for me to bring to work for my co-workers. And today she's almost been cordial on the phone....wierd for her lately.

She also text messaged me to say where she was and an estimate on when she would be home. Something she would have done months ago, but not recently. She is aware of what bothers me (lack of communication) and is making an attempt to do it more.

BUT, until things are done with OM, and she says she wants to work on us...I'm going to take everything she does with a very big grain of salt.

She may just be playing nice as SHE gets her legal ducks in a row. Be wary and snoop away.

Mr. W

Since coming to MB you've changed your behavior, you're stronger, and she is trying to find new ways to manipulate you.

Until she has ended the affair, all her actions and words are still suspect. You're a soft touch and she knows that about you, don't bite.

Jo

p.s. She may also have learned some things regarding her legal rights where she feels she may not have the clout she thought she had. And she probably regrets telling you anything about OM, even that he is a friend.

***Mortarman looks emabrrassingly at the floor.****

In His arms.

No problem Mrs. W. And very good point here about journaling.

In His arms.

Virginia does not have alienation of affection laws! believe me, I would have loved to have sued.

GF, listen to Mrs. W about your relationship with Christ. I waited to hear back on whether you are a Christian or not to chime in on that. Jesus is the ONLY person right there with you in the fight. He is as much a part of your marriage as you and your wife are. Unlike everyone else, He has a vested interest in the outcome of this. So, as I found thru all of this...He has been irreplacable.

A short note on that...

I went to Bosnia in September 2001. While we were hunting terrorists (and yes 2Long...I love hunting WI's also!! A round of applause to 2Long for coming up with a new acronym!), my wife began an affair. I didnt knwo it was going on...but after a few months there, I began to realize that my marriage was in serious trouble. My relationship with Christ had waned in the preceding years.

But a funny thing happened as I say down and prayed. He spoke to me. Through Scripture, through my chaplain...thru many things. It all started coming at me so very quickly. I would pray on something, and it seemed like the next day, the answer would be provided to me.

Then one day, I got the message that has defined my life since then. Thru several events that I wont go into here (long story), I got the following message from the Holy Spirit:

1. Dont worry about your wife
2. Get back to your first love (Christ)
3. Die for Mrs. Mortarman

These have been my marching orders ever since. If you look at the bottom of my posts, I have a link to what a pastor did in a series on marriage and the roles in marriage. I encourage you to read it. You sir, are to die for your wife. In everything. That doesnt mean be a doormat. It means you are equipped, not her, to lead your family.

We can go more into this as we go along. But I have learned that I am thankful I have Jesus because with Him, there is no way I can ever lose...even if my marriage ultimately fails. I also have realized that the only way to fight this fight is on my knees.

In His arms.

Crap! Dont listen to WW. Remember what I said above? Believe nothign she says and only half of what you see.


Nope.


My state is a fault state, so for the divorce, adultery weighs heavily into it. But not in custody. I got custody because I was able to prove that I was there for the kids, that I had not been the one to change their environment...I had not walked out on them like their mother did. You are going to have to give your attorney all the ammo he can get. That e-book will show you what ammo you need. It is going to be a lot of work. First in your mission is to protect your daughter. Second is to save your marriage. Just because you might go to court, doesnt mean that your marriage is over. But you must stand up and protect yoru daughter and your marriage. If yoru wife wants to leave the family, she leaves on her own.


I got custody of my two boys and my girl! Again, dont listen to the rantings of a WW.

In His arms.

Good points here. One caution though...

Be matter-of-fact in your journaling. Dont use it as "I'm great...she's bad" type of posts. Just write things down as if you were standing outside of it, as a stranger, writing it. A judge will accept it more than if you say "While I took daughter to dance, her mother didnt care enough because she went to get her hair done." Or whatever.

Instead say "5pm: Took daughter to dance, Mrs. GF went to get hair done."

See what I mean???

In His arms.

This is EXACTLY what you need to do, GF! This is your battle plan.

In His arms.

Resilient is correct. Her change in behavior is because she wants something. Nothing more.

In His arms.

Ohh, I almost forgot to tell you guys. She also bought me a book!

Yup, the day that I went and picked up "His Needs Her Needs", she went and got me "Uncoupling, Turning Points in Intimate Relationships"...nice eh? It says it's "A brilliant and original look at the dynamics of separation"

Needless to say, not high on my priorities to read right now.

BWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I myself bought a "how to divorce" book right after D-day .... as the BS I was determined to "throw the bum out" ... but 10 years later <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> we are friends and lovers

Somehow, Pep always seems to throw in that "lovers" part!!! I am beginning to think she is rubbing it into all of us common folk! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

GF:

Regarding "amicable divorce" and buying books and reading articles about how 2 go about that, here's a link 2 some articles about "how 2 divorce as friends - maybe save your marriage!" by Bill Furgeson that you might find useful. If you like it, maybe order one of his books and have that laying around on your nightstand 2 show your W just how "agreeable" you are 2 this new plan of hers! (NOT!):

http://iloveulove.com/relationmarriage/saveyourmarriage.htm

-ol' 2long

I guess I got a little over zealous with my comments about journaling. I also meant for him to be honest and not go overboard but thanks for correcting me Mortarman!

I think she's bluffing on the legal stuff. I know men who have gotten custody of their daughters!

If she makes more, why should she have to pay you child support?? Or alimony?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Show off!

Thanks for the link, I'll deffinately add it to the ever growing "must read" list. Right now I'm in the middle of the custody book that the Wonderings gave me.

Very good book...hoping that I can plan A her back to me, and I won't have to use these strategies....but it's nice to have the knowledge and starting to prepare for the worst, so I'm not caught off gaurd.

**Edited to replace the Ws with the Wonderings (Ws could be construed as WW)**

Just called my lawyer...nothing filed in this county by my WW yet...mid way through the week. If she had started it last week, it should be showing in the system by now. She's just trying to scare me into giving her everything she wants.

Thanks to MB and all of the advice that everyone is giving me, right now I feel like I have much more control over my life and the outcome of our lives after the A and possible divorce.