Do you know her email password though?

No, she had all of these stored in her Office.pst file. Which I got a copy of. It was all with her work email, so as long as the computer is logged in, the email is accessable.

I am going to be more direct on a few particulars to avoid any confusion:

1. Do not let on to WW that you've talk to an attorney, are considering an attorney or anything about an attorney. She may intend to file on you when she gets back; but, if you play off that you are fighting to save the marriage and don't even want to discuss divorce without saying anything more she and her attorney will not feel pressure to beat you to the courthouse. They will likely take a few days to have a meeting, prepare the documents, review them and then file them...if at all (WS's tend to waffle). You want her to believe you would be totally shocked if she filed. You may even put her (and her attorney at ease) if you say something like "You're not seeing an attorney and/or filing anything yet, just give us a chance to work this out baby, come on". She may lie to you (your snooping will help here) but inside she may feel more at ease that she has no need to rush to beat you cause you seem so duped.

2. I hope you at least printed and/or forwarded/copied those emails you read. You NEED that evidence. It's nice you have a copy posted herein but it doesn't PROVE it's his/her emails and could be challenged in court if they lie about them. However, your lawyer should be crafty enough to get them to acknowledge them at deposition or you'll get secret tape recordings acknowledging them cause REMEMBER unless you tell WW she will necessarily assume you have them properly documented.

3. I asked this before but when does she come home? If it's Sunday night, and you intend to file monday...you MAY want her bags packed on the porch and the locks changed or in the alternative just be gone with daughter for a day or two while you get this thing filed.

4. You are military...trained to be calm under pressure. BE CALM. Think your actions through carefully and rationally before acting. Post here BEFORE you act so the rational minds here can help you with direct advice based upon experience.

5. When is your Dr. Harley appointment?

6. Get on with exposure...have it done by the time she comes back as she will be furious but anger a marriage can recover from...an ongoing, ever-deepening affair it can not. If you fail to finish exposure, besides forewarnig others, she will try to manipulate and intimidate you to STOP exposing and you're likely to waffle thinking she's really really serious this time (of course they all do this). THUS, get 'er done and you won't face that dilemna and you'll avoid the manipulation tactics since there really is no one left to tell.

7. Mrs. W and I are very convinced that your WW's affair will explode on OM's side very quickly. Mrs. W's single OM, that was 750 miles away, broke things off very abruptly when the going got tough. With any petition and divorce battle on the Pacific Coast that you delay and drag your feet on your WW, even if she wins joint custody, will be hard pressed to EVER remove your daughter from the Left Coast all the way to Virginia to be with OM. The courts simply won't allow it. Once OM and WW realize this they will necessarily fall apart. Time & distance, it just ain't gonna happen. Thus, in my opinion, FILE FIRST (LIKE MONDAY AFTERNOON), be very aggressive with exposure, while Plan A'ing (while everything is pending)...you'll have your family back in no time.

8. GF...you can do this. I myself found MB a little late in the game and didn't aggressively fight to save my marriage. I took a more wait and see laid back "Plan A" approach. I failed to expose. I was lucky. Mrs. W was never SURE she wanted to exit the marriage. In hindsight, I wish (and Mrs. W concurs) I had had more confidence and was more aggressive and she knows it would have worked, not just on her but OM. It may have saved US a few weeks of anguish but it could save you a few weeks or a few months of anguish. Every second counts.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I agree with Mrs. W about the call to OM. It is usually not recommended here but you could really expose the lies she's been feeding him about moving, money missing from accounts, that your OK with them (don't let them know you've only seen 2 or 3 emails allow them to think you've seen all their emails). We think you should do it now, while they are together as OM is violatile and may blow up and ruin there precious little weekend together. Post here if you want to consider it and others will chime in with suggestions on how to do it and what to say.

Ex-girlfriend won't give me any information. She says just to confront him and doesn't want to involve any of his family.

Did learn some interesting things tough. She actually caught them in bed together. And a business trip that she took back in November some time was actually not a business trip. It was with a guy from her work...the same guy that OM mentioned in his email that was persuing my WW. He bought her a very nice bracelet, which she told me was from her corporate office for being nominated for "accounting manager of the year".

I want to file on Monday, but is it possible to file in state that is not a "no fault state"?

What do you mean? Of course you can file and likely list the reason as adultery but as it is a no-fault state the reason is irrelevant so the evidence of such is too as it relates to a straight divorce petition.

However, where alimony is concerned, property division, division of debts, what she did and is doing, how she spent money over the last 4-8 months is all relevant. Plus, in the custody decision, the factors are weighed by the court to determine the best interests of the child. Adultery will be a relevant fact in such determination. OM will be a factor, who he is, what he's done, etc., will all be relevant. OM's GF testimony may also likely be relevant especially if they deny sex (you should have that conversation ON TAPE).

I am not positive of this. I am not a divorce attorney nor do I practice in your state but from what I've read the court, the Guardian Ad Litem/Court Pyshcologist, the Mediators, the Judge, etc., take ALL evidence into account when making a decision on custody. Your attorney will really be the best to KNOW and sounds like you'll KNOW in 2 days at 9 am.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Unfortunately, its somewhat typical for a WS, when in the affair mode, to particpate in more than one affair. OM1, OM2, etc. And the only way your wife has been able to get away with it all is thru lying to everyone involved.

I'm wondering if your exposure should include this O-OM's wife? This married dude bought your wife expensive jewelry for sleeping with him. I'm sure his wife would like to know about this affair just as much as you wanted to know what was REALLY going on with your wife.

Jo

Have you googled OM? Email me and we can assist you if you are, understandable, short on time.

Mr. W

I don't know what state you're in, GF, but Texas has "no fault" criteria for filing...but adultery most certainly plays a role in division of marital property, child custody, spousal and child support requirements. You'll need to check with your attorney to make certain but using adultery as the reason for your petition can't hurt.

The recent information that your wife was involved with a man at work gives you more exposure ammo. Send a registered letter to the Human Resources division where they work. Additionally, that first OM's wife deserves to know about this obscenity.

BTW, have you contacted the post chaplain's office and talked with your First Sergeant? You can get a lot of support from them that you may well be able to use in the coming days.

Will the OM's former girlfriend be willing to sign an affidavit on catching your WW in bed with the OM? And would that be useful, Mr. Dubya? Brit?

Great minds think alike. Yes, Yes, Yes...

Not to mention, in a child custody dispute the parent with the most money sometimes has an advantage. A jobless one does not. That other OM...whether they had an affair or not, IS HER BOSS/IMMEDIATE SUPERVISOR. When you tell his wife (which I hope you can confirm what OM exGF said with a recording of the call not that you give it to her you just let her know you have it "documented" so boss can't deny the affair is just rantings of lunatic Good Father), anyway, when you tell her she is going to want your wife out of the company so she can save her marriage.

It sounds like I'm recommending financial ruin. But all is fair in love and war and a divorce will cost you family and daughter much more than money every could. Do the exposure and see what happens. Best case WW loses her job. A jobless WW now makes no where near the money YOU MAKE...better for custody battle.

Again, your likely going to win and recover your marriage (if that is what YOU want still) and in recovery YOU won't want her at that job any longer anyway.

W

Thats the problem LH....What if she won't? She's already said she doesn't want to be involved so without a recording of her statements she can deny she ever made them. I can bet she will not sign an affidavit. Don't ask her NOW, wait until your attorney advises you; but, if she will, do it immediately...STILL tape all calls with her (and everyone) nonetheless.

sidenote...ESEPECIALLY tape the call where you ask her to sign an affidavit, you state she said this, this, this, this and ask her if she'll sign an affidavit...even if she says "no" the conversation itself will likely still sound like she's confirming what you said she said.

Further, OM is volitile. You can bet he will soon be threatening xGF to shut the heck up...guaranteed. Soon she'll be uncooperative and taking everything she said back.

TAPE ALL CALLS, Good Father, then you can depose her or anyone and she/they CAN'T LIE or RETRACT what they previously stated.

Mr. Wondering

This is serious stuff Good Father. I hope you are not dragging your feet at getting all this monitoring stuff set up. The recordings should be saved on your computer and then backup to a on-line email account (or email them to us). You are trained for this...this is your shining moment GF, the fight for your family.

I'm not an attorney, but isn't it illegal to tape people's convos to be used as evidence without their consent?

Jo

Perhaps.

In most states, Good Father can secretly tape all calls that HE is a party to and he can tape his wife's side of calls by having a microphone in the room she's in. It might not be legal to tap the line and tape OM/WW calls or WW/best friend calls but it will provide vital information AND may be admissable to impeach a witness if they get on the stand and LIE.

These are good questions for HIS attorney in his state. Until advised otherwise TAPE 'EM ALL.

BTW, if you get caught...deny, deny, deny. She may threaten you with wiretapping charges but without a video tape of you doing it you can always claim she set you up. WS have very little credibility with prosecutors and cops...they will not even charge you. That is why you buy the equipment with only cash and really, really hide the receipts and the audio files...(you really shouldn't even have a copy they can copy on your computer...send the files AWAY and delete). If you are really feeling threatened tape some of your phone calls, innocuous ones, and save the files...then you use that as your defense that you caught her taping YOU and you took HER recorder and used it on her. Again, prosecutor ain't gonna get involved in a domestic dispute.

Mr. Wondering

In other words, even if the tape is not admissable you can use it at depositions to garner admissions which if they LIE about what they were recorded saying, then the tape will make them tell the truth. The Deposition Testimony is then the admissable evidence...even though the tape is out.

However, the Guardian Ad Litem/Court Psychologist usually don't give a rat about admissibility. They will take it all into account when making their determination/evaluation of the "best interests of the child"

W

OOM is not her boss. But will be soon if he and my WW have thier way. They are petitioning the corporate office to remove the current center manager and put him in charge.

Being the accounting manager, my wife is also the HR manager, so sending a letter to the HR manager won't do much good!

I'm going to have to mull this all over. Right now I'm ready to just give up.

*Just reread what I wrote and it's pretty inflamatory and in poor taste, so consider yourselves warned!*

Actually I'm not all that upset about OOM, I've just learned so much about my WW over the last couple of days that disgust me. I mean, when and why did my wife become a ******? OOM is in his late fifties, overweight, and his face is just plain nasty to look at. But he's rich, and bought her expensive jewelry. That tells me that she slept with him for what he can do for her(better status at work, more pay, etc.); that makes her a ******. Do I want to be married to a ******? I mean she had sex with me after that! She had no qualms about it either; at least with this current affair, she's only having sex with one person. Seems to me that they deserve each other...let him find out in a couple years how much of a lying slut she is.

*Rant over*


I'm thinking I'll just go home (I'm at my mom's for the weekend) have the locks changed and a couple bags packed for her. She can either go to a hotel, or go to OOMs house and try to explain what she's doing there to his wife.

I want to scream and yell at her and find out what the ****** is going on in her head. It'll help me, but will it do any good? And number one priority...would it hurt my chances at sole custody?

That all sounds reasonable. Thank you so much Mr. Wondering.

Good Father? How are you feeling?

hehehehe...the forum stars out bad words!!! LOL

Edited because Mr. Dubya types faster than I can and already answered the question.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No screaming or yelling at the WS when in Plan A, GF. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Scream and yell here.

Just so you know, she would have the legal right to break in. If you do this it would be great if daughter was not home and at your mothers. Don't let WW know this as she may just walk away not wanting to upset or scare DD but it would be wise nonetheless. Also prevents HER from absconding with DD.

As far as making the decision to end your marriage I would strongly advise you to put off that ultimate decision until a more clear and non-emotional time. Do what you have to do today, tomorrow, and the next day...but deciding, right now, that your marriage is definitely over is NOT NECESSARY. Use your upset to help you to detach but for now only worry about you and daughter. Ultimately divorce, is your God given option but just wait and see what happens. You don't know for certain all these truths and you don't know if your wife can become repentent. Give it a shot, you might just decide your family is worth it.

Recovered marriages are often better than any marriage you've ever known.

Mr. W

GF:

Thought I would throw some things out here that you may end up missing as you navigate this crud. NO MATTER what happens to the marriage, you are going to be changed from this. As I said in earlier posts to you...your character and sense of "self" and love for yourself MUST improve from this. You have spent many years in an almost intolerable oppression from your wife...AND YOURSELF and obviously extremely dysfunctional life. People don't get to the situation you are in overnight...they allow this and it builds......sometimes for years. The "addiction" yada yada yada yada....this is more than an addiction of your WW for an OM..it is your "addiction" to dysfunctional self loathing behavior. THAT IS GOING TO CHANGE I SUSPECT.

Your WW may never come back (or she may)...but one thing is for sure...you can never be the railroad track you have been in this marriage and I suspect in other areas of your life.

This is all good. So while many others are offering you great advice to protect yourself and expose, etc...I'd concur and also encourage you to realize what the biggest prize will be from this no matter what happens to the marriage.....

Noone can ever take your daughter away from you.....and noone should ever be able to take your dignity and self respect away again...MOST OF ALL YOURSELF.

LM