GF,

I just want to echo the advise UVA has given you.

I found that out completely by accident.

Before I knew of my FWW's A, at the time all I knew was she wanted to D.

A month or so after my W informed me she wanted to D. We had planned to go out to dinner together. I was leaving work to meet her for dinner. I was feeling abnormally down, and choose not to go. Instead I turned my cellphone off and just spent hours sitting at the lake watching all that was going on, and eventually a sunset.

While driving home I turned the cellphone back on to find I had missed numerous calls from my W.

Because I would always answer when she calls, and I had cancelled dinner plans, she came to the conclusion I was out with another W.

When I got home we talked, I explained what I had been doing. She at that moment decided we need to work on our M.
Again without my knowledge of her A, she severed all comms, and told OM she wanted to remain M.

It wasn't till a few months later the OM thought I should know the truth, and called me.

Anyway moral to the story. Let her imagination wander a bit. She needs to feel out of control.

Ok, so here is a letter to OM.

What do you think?

OM, my name is Good Father. You are having an affair with my wife. I’m certain that she has told you all sorts of things to make me look like a bad guy, and that our marriage is over and has been for months or even years. What she has said, be it truth or lie, does not matter.
I’m telling you now, our marriage is not over. We are still married, and I am going to fight to keep it that way for the sake of our daughter.
This is my request to you; man to man…remove yourself from my wife’s, our daughter’s, and my life.


I know that my WW will see this; do you think it is the right approach? Better than the long history letter I did a couple weeks ago?

Here's my suggested edit. Shorter is nearly always better:


OM, my name is Good Father. I know for a fact that you are having an affair with my wife.

No doubt she has told you that our marriage is over and has been for months or even years.

I’m telling you now that our marriage is NOT over and never has been.
We are still married, and I am going to fight to keep it that way for the sake of my wife and our daughter.

You are an intruder in my family. As that family's husband and father, I insist that you remove yourself from our lives. If you refuse, I will take whatever legal steps are necessary to see that you do.
GF

Thanks Mulan... that does sound good. But the legal steps sentence is not going to fly I think. WW is not dumb, she'll know that there is nothing "legally" wrong with him being in a relationship with her, and she'll call me on it.

I think that any threats (especially of legal action) are going to push them closer together.

>I think that any threats (especially of legal action) are going to push them closer together.


It's not about what SHE knows in this instance. It's about planting the seeds of doubt in his mind (and you know he's cultivating a garden in that effed up cabaza...we've all read the emails). Doubt for him = good for GF!

- Kimmy

I think a letter to an OM is inherently pointless. He has obviously already managed to wash whatever scruples he might have had down the drain before he started sleeping with a married woman, so it's unlikely that GF's e-mail will make him say "wow, what a great guy he is, I better stop".

I will say this, however. I made the mistake of tolerating my XW's continuing affair for months after D-day. I tried to "respect" her and Plan A her, hoping to win her back. So I did not expose her, feeling that it would be "disrespectful". In the meantime, her affair with the coworker continued - talk about disrespectful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Well, after my XW moved out, the OM's wife finally found out about the affair, and the OM ran for cover. Talk about stress on that end, hehe. Anyway, what I saw was that my XW's fog actually lifted to some extent at that time - she told me how she finally saw what a great, supportive, and gracious husband I had been all those months... Duh. I really wished that I had exposed things months earlier. Anyway, spilled milk, in my case.

But for you, I would definitely do all you can to expose things. The OM and your W are going to try to persevere, but before long, they are going to start lovebusting all over the place. Their relationship is actually very weak, I believe - just reread his stated concerns about being the "daddy" to your daughter - sheer fantasy.

You cannot go wrong with exposing, IMO. The sooner the better, especially if they are together - I'd love to be the fly on the wall when crap hits the fan on their little planned "honeymoon" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

I agree with GG, I would love to see you expose OM at his place of employment through their HR department with hard evidence, which you DO have (aka his/her emails).

Jo

I don't know if you've read the entire thread, but I have exposed....I just did a really poor job of it!

I am currently making plans for exposure to his side while they are spending the week together.

I agree that the letter won't make him "magically change his mind". Really I view it as something for me. I have come to believe that I was an OM when we got together. WW told me all kinds of nasty things about her "ex-bf" and I truly believed her. He never contacted me; but if he had I probably would have told him where to go...but it most deffinately would have planted some seeds of doubt in my mind.

Plus, WW is certainly going to see this letter, and I want her to know that I'm willing to tell others how I feel, and not just her.

Did you talk to harley?

Did harley recommend a letter to OM?

Pep

Resilient has it right. Don't bother with meaningless gestures by writing a letter to the other man. You're hoping he's suddenly going to turn into a stand-up guy and quit doing your wife? Nonsense.

GF, do something instead that WILL bust up the affair. Expose it to the light of day, for Pete's sake. Do it now.

GF,

YOU are nothing like OM. He fully knows what he's doing is wrong as she IS MARRIED. You pointing it out in a letter, IMHO, won't impact his lack of morals or his disgusting decisions.

YOU are not someone who would go to a MARRIED woman's home and spend the week-end there KNOWING her husband was just ousted out of his home a meer 5+ days earlier because of the affair. Yes, the AFFAIR -- not because you exposed.

Jo

GF,

Just a little suggestion. If you do decide to send the letter make sure that it is an obvious copy of the original.

Let OP and WW wonder how many other "copies" of that letter are floating around out there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

As a matter of fact, maybe you can use other copies of that letter as part of your "re-exposure". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just a thought!

Stay Strong!

BTW: Can you type my "call letters" without laughing or smiling? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well I was going to email it to him, not mail it.

I haven't scheduled another appt. with SH yet. Finances are still very tight.

Don't get me wrong here. I agree that the letter will have little to no impact what-so-ever. It's just something I feel I need to do.

I most certainly am going to be exposing to his place of business, and am trying to track down some of his family. These actions will be far more effective I'm sure.

And no...WTF still makes me laugh. Mainly because it's so appropriate! I'm like "WTF? Why is she doing this!" LOL

Sure did, and boy did it bring back lots of painful memories... Which is why I wanted to chime in and see if I could help you avoid the same ending as mine.


Yes, that is precisely what I am advocating. I would do it now, not after the "honeymoon". My XW also went on a "business trip" with her OM, which I knew they were planning, and I sat there quietly like an idiot, while she packed her lacy lingerie for the "business trip". It would have made their business trip much more business-like if I had told the OM's W or their boss about the nature of their "business".


Then I'd say write it and burn it. The letter will mean absolutely nothing to him. It'll actually make you appear more desperate, reaching out to a man to try to ask him to stop banging your W. See anything wrong with that picture?

AGG

"Don't get me wrong here. I agree that the letter will have little to no impact what-so-ever. It's just something I feel I need to do."

Then, why the he11 send it? Post it here as vents. Don't send it.

"I most certainly am going to be exposing to his place of business, and am trying to track down some of his family. These actions will be far more effective I'm sure."

Start with the workplace NOW. Why wait? Maybe he'll tell your W not 2 come.

-ol' 2long

Before you expose to OM's workplace, please check in with Brit's Brat. She is an attorney who very kindly offered to help you with what info to expose with.

She menioned that her job is very integral to this type of unethical employee offense within her company. So take her up on her offer!

If you missed her email addy she placed but then removed, ask me for it. I have copy.

Jo

I have spoken to BB. She's offered some very valuable insight. We are currently discussing the best approach to how to expose.

She feels that it is best to expose to his work annonymously, because they will take it more seriously than just an angry husband calling/writing them.

I've recieved other advice from equally respected people that have said to not be annonymous. That it defeats the purpose of exposing.

I'm leaning BB's way. Not because I'm afraid of any reprocutions, just because she actually works in that area, from my experience she's right...a company isn't going to care what the employees do in thier personal lives, they just care about how the employee is using the company's time and resources.

Either way, I'm writing up a letter. It just might have my name on it.

He's on board.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sadly, employers do not really care what their employees do in their personal lives so long as it does not affect their bottomline or their reputation. I suggested to GF that his exposure at the workplace not be so much the A as the fact that OM is excessively using company time, resources (e-mail and phone system) and assets (to make sure they look at his expense accounts just on the outside chance he used those and some business-related "excuse"to fund his travel to see GH's WW) conduct non-work related activities (ie the A) which, in essence, amounts to theft. I suggested he do it anonymously so that the employer thinks it is another employee making the complaint, which they are likely to take more seriously because they may think the "employee" is complaining anonymously out of fear of retaliation). I have seen several instances where use of company time and resources for "outside activities" has resulted in discharge, where an A did not (even between co-workers).

Regards,

BB

All of that makes PERFECT sense, BB. Thanks!

And a by-product could also be OM not only being hopefully fired, but because GF WW's numero uno emotional need is "Financial Support in a BIG way", Mr. Sleazy OM can no longer provide it.

Jo