Okay so maybe my wording on the stating your boundaries was a bit testy...sorry GF, but what is going on here really angers us truly FWSes, because we understand what C R A P this all is... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

I was wondering the same thing, Mr[color:"red"]S[/color]. W.

I'm aware OM's place of employment is a very high profile company which does audits for and of other Heavy Hitter companies at great expense. Their employee-base best be impeccable in their ethics, both personal and business.

And "yes", GF's WW met OM through business connections. I believe her company hired his for their audit services.

Exposure on OM's side-of the-fence, including to his place of employment, would def cause damage to the affair.

Jo

Altered to give credit to the MRS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Jo...that was me, the MISSUS, that said that stuff...Mr. W can't take all the props round here...LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />...K, now I really gotta go clean...bye guys...

Mrs. W<----admitted Drama Queen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><sigh>

GF, let's hear about your plans to bust this obscenity up. As you can see, this trip (if you cannot stop it) is an opportunity. Are you going to use it? Where is she flying to, btw? Richmond? Dulles?

This is exactly what I am responsible for in my company (think VERY large, household name). I would be happy to advise on how to get the most bang for your buck - so to speak...you can contact me at... Deleted Please let me know once you have my e-mail so I can delete it....

Regards,

BB

I've got it, BB!

Ok, so here's the deal. WW and OM have had no contact when it comes to work; they met through his ex-gf. The ex-gf that was giving me information.

WW is flying to VA, but she is taking redeye's both ways, so there won't be any contacting anyone while she's in the air.

I'm thinking I'd like to expose to his side of the country after the trip, that way they won't be together to "fix" it. They'll have to do it over the phone, with more super late nights, and outside or in her bedroom, out of the common areas like we've agreed.

I'd like to expose to the first OM's wife too, I just want to tell her that her husband bought Mrs. GF expensive jewelry and went to Colorado with her. I wonder how she'd take that considering she's his second or third wife...

I'm not really worried about pissing her off, because frankly, she already considers our marriage over, so what's gonna happen? It's going to be more over?

My real concern is the legal ramifications. She used my exposure to her mother and co-workers to get the protection order against me. She'll do it again without a doubt. She'll claim "unpredictable" and "unstable" leading to "unfit to parent". Hence further jeopardizing my chances at gaining sole/primary custody of DD.

That's the real concern of exposure on his side. Heck I tell everyone over here. All the neighbors that we know (three families) know about it. The couple that got married on the Vegas trip...they know about it.

That's why you do it properly this time. In writing where it necessarily summarizes and documents your limited goal to calmly expose, ask for help and that you want to save your marriage. She can't preclude you from exposing, freedom of speech baby. She can only try to portray it in a different "crazy" light if you let her. At least this time we know to be more careful. Written exposure may be the best.

Mr. W

p.s.-your attorney's gonna want to delay you on this. Try telling her what you intend to do instead of asking her. Get her advice on how best to do it not whether you should. Keeping her informed and on board is important too.

Um...GF, why would you want to grant them peace and harmony in what they have no doubt planned to be a six day "honeymoon" full of fantasy hedonistic heaven? Wouldn't you rather that time be chocked full of unbridled chaos? Ok, it's true that they could adopt an attitude of "you and me against the world", but that's a sinking ship GF...Think about it, which would be worse? Bonding in Bliss or Clinging in Chaos? Seems a no brainer to me, don't cha think?

I'm certain that BB has advised you through email regarding how best to go about this exposure...how cool is that? I love this community!

Mrs. W

Clinging in Chaos!

LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

That's a good point, Mrs. W.

Plus when she calls to scream at me, I can just hang up!

YES!!

I vote for Clinging in Chaos!!

Maybe they'll have to call the Mothership and request Klingnon reinforcements!!

All turmoil in an affair is good and necessary.

WAT

Update? Bumping this!

GF,

You have been given a lot of great advice. I have a couple things you may want to try in addition to what has been said to you.

One quick point on Plan A. Plan A is more for you than your WW. It involves changes in you that will be good for you in all the relationships and roles you play in the future. You Plan A by being the best you can be. That includes meeting WW’s needs whenever you can, but that is not the whole of it. Keep this in mind.

Since your WW is very unrepentant and disrespectful to you, I suggest you 180 her. That will throw her in a tailspin. Even though she knows you don’t approve of her A and claims that the M is over, she really believes that you will be there for her if and when her A with OM does not work out. You want to get her out of that comfort zone. Since it is too early to Plan B her (you have not Plan A her yet) and impossible to do so (given your upcoming custody battles), you can give her a tiny dose of reality by pulling the chair under her. You do this by doing a 180.

180 will let your WW know that you will be ok even if she is no longer part of your life. You do this by starting to have a life of your own. Try to have a quasi formal arrangement with WW as to when she babysits DD and when you do. When you are not responsible for DD, go out with your friends, develop new hobbies, and do fun stuff on your own. You may want to take up old hobbies too. The point is not to sit around being at the beck and call of your WW.

Further, you don’t tell WW the details of your plans when you go out, you stay vague about them. You want her to be curious. You become a mystery to her. Start dressing nice, wearing good colognes, going to the gym etc. (Could someone please bring up the link for 180 for GF so he sees what I am talking about.) In the meanwhile you may want to check MywifeIlove’s thread to get a sense of what doing a 180 is like.

Lastly, I suggest you learn about Reverse Babble to throw your WW in a loop when she starts talking fogese to you. Reverse Babble is one of best tools in a BS’s arsenal. (Again, could someone please bring up Orchid’s link on this score for GF.)

I think using these two tools will go a long way in helping your sitch. If nothing else, they will help you keep your sanity.

While I agree with UVA's advice of doing things for yourself and, at least partially, implementing a 180 plan, I do not agree that you should be making arrangements for your WW to "babysit" your DD...I think to do so would undermine your goal in a possible child custody battle. Leaving your DD in the care of your WW would imply your trust of WW regarding the care of your DD, which would, in fact, go against the premise of your WW being the less fit parent...It would be impossible for any judge to believe the sincerity of your claim when your actions clearly demonstrate otherwise...Your entrusting WW with your DD would most certainly represent a very clear contradiction of your assertation that your chief concern is what is in the best interest of your DD...Securing a qualified babysitter (NOT YOUR WW-your mom perhaps?) for your DD should you choose to go where you cannot take her, I feel, would best support your case where issues of custody are concerned...

Just My .02

Mrs. W

Sounds very good UVA...nice to get more great advice from you.

I've already started kinda doing my own thing...it's always with DD though. Nothing big, but instead of waiting around the house for WW to finish talking to OM and get ready, if she's not ready when me and DD are, I just tell her to call us when she is, and we'll meet up.

I make plans to go to a friends house, and instead of asking permission, I just let her know.

It seems to me that none of this is the true 180 that you are talking about, but it's a start (I hope).

As far as an update for Coachswife...nothing much to report really.

Last night I said: I don't agree with your decision to go on this trip to VA to see OM. It's detrimental to us, it hurts me, and it obviously upsets DD (DD had been upset about it earlier in the night). So I'm asking you not to go.

WW: How can it be detrimental to us?

me: I don't want to discuss, or argue over it. I'm just telling you exactly how I feel about it.

ww: Did your lawyer tell you to say that?

me: No, I haven't talked to her; it's just how I feel.

I then got up and left the room. I knew she was trying to drag me into an arguement with her comment...her next sentence would have been something like "There is no us, our marriage is over, therefore my leaving can't be detrimental to us. When are you going to come to terms with the fact that we are over and that is never going to change."

So, I didn't let myself get sucked into that argument again.

That's about it for an update <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Yes Mrs. W, I thought about that when I read UVA's post. But the fact of the matter is, there are going to be times that I will need to trust DD with WW. Like this weekend, if she wasn't flying off, she would have been caring for DD while I do my reserve weekend.

But I agree, I don't think I'm going to schedule a specific time for WW to watch DD, I might however just say something like "I'm taking off for a little while, are you good with DD?"

It may be good to demonstrate a solid support system to demonstrate and document that you have it all in place to take FULL custody. Your case needs to even wrap up the reserve weekends, to show you have a back up in place, someone you reserve yourself (like your mother), that can take custody in the liklihood (which you emphasize) that WW wigs out on her weekend with DD (like this weekend).

Just simple email documentation of when you need support to show that you considered your daughter first and could not absolutely rely on WW.

For example,

"Dear Mom, as we discussed here is my Reserve Weekend schedule for the next 2 months. Please be certain to keep your schedule open for such dates just in case Mrs. GF wigs out again. Thank you for your continued support during this most difficult year. I love you mom and am so appreciative to have you and your consistent love in DD and my lives."

In fact, you should do this with just about everyone that helps you out and send email thank you's as well. Email teachers, day care, babysitters, the docters, EVERYONE. Just make a habit of getting emails and thanking people in writing. It's such an easy way to document, store and organize for your case (backup occasionally).

Mr. W

Hey, one thing that WW mentioned the other night that keeps popping back into my head.

She was saying how she needs to start working out again. I said: why, you look great!

ww: no, I'm a stress eater, and I gained six pounds while you were gone.

me: Ohh? I can't tell, I still think you look wonderful.

But inside I was wondering why she was stressed. It seems to me that she had everything she could want...the house to herself, DD whenever she wanted, OM over to spend the weekend with her, with the gaurentee of no interuptions from me....why was she stressed? Why was she eating enought gain six pounds in 2-3 weeks?

Heck, I've been pretty darn stressed, and lost 5 lbs in the two weeks I was kicked out...I'm closing in on 30 lbs, in the last few months. Good side of things I guess...silver linning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

GF:

It's called "The infidelity diet." We've all been on that one!

Your W is stressed because of her lifestyle. Your unpredicted (by her) behavior is eating at what's left of her conscience.

Maybe a little now.

Probably a lot in a few months.

-ol' 2long