Good luck. I see a chance of over thinking the issue of exposing at his work place, lots of conversation about it, but darned little action. Inactivity got you into this mess to begin with, GF. Don't lose this opportunity by talking it to death and forgetting to DO something.

BTW, I handled complaints like this at one of my positions in the Air Force. Anonymous complaints were dismissed out of hand because there was no one to get back to, no one to provide additional information, and no pressure to resolve the issue. Maybe it's different in the civilian world huh?

LH, you know everything in the AF is about accountability. IG won't do anything if the complaintant isn't tangible. JAG won't move forward with no witnesses. Shoot, commanding officers won't even address an affair if there is no proof like e-mails or the like. Having said that, if you were making an anon complaint and you dropped an envelope stuffed with evidence at the COs doorstep, something would happen.

Ethics & Compliance Programs are, relatively, new concepts arising out of the Federal Sentencing Guidelines for Organizations. Most larger companies have Helplines/Hotlines manned by third parties (vendors) that employees can call 24/7 to report violations of ethics, Code of Conduct, etc. Callers can remain anonymous if they so choose and are given an identification number they can use to call in and check on the status of their complaint. The employer can use that same identification number to leave a response for the caller and, if necessary, request more information. In my company, I have seen 3 different VP's discharged as a result allegations made by anonymous callers.

Regards,

BB

Again, good luck. That’s sincere.

This plan is based on too many unknown factors and a hope the company has some legitimate outside party who will give the matter prompt attention. Maybe that’s the case. I don’t know. On the other hand, I DO know a registered letter sent to a Human Resources Director cannot be ignored because the transmission of the letter from sender to receiver begins the process of creating a record.

Talk, discussion, and thorough consideration, no matter how well intended and thoughtful, is self-defeating in cases like this because it is swift, decisive action that is required. The action implemented may not be EXACTLY the right thing to do, but it’s a heck of a lot better than endless debate that finally results in finding an elegant solution. Delay and procrastination got GF into trouble because he didn’t get to the courthouse before his manipulating wife. I see the same thing happening here. That’s my point of view. Others are free to have theirs.

I wish no one any ill will, least of all GF. I just hate to sit and watch train wrecks happen…again.

I like both LH and BB’s ideas. I think LH is correct in that GF should get off his butt and start doing things here instead of just talking about it. I believe that is the most problematic issue I have with him here.

At the same time, I like BB’s idea of how GF should approach OM’s company. In any event, LH and BH’s suggestions on this are not mutually exclusive. After GF contact the company pursuant to BB’s idea, if nothing happens, he can do it pursuant to LH’s suggestion. True, the first may undermine the second, but who knows? At that point GF would be in a dominant strategy position as they in strategic thinking. That is to say, he would then have nothing to lose and everything to gain by following his first action with LH’s suggestion.

Wow! I haven't 22bbllee ppoosstteedd in, like, 4ever!

-ol' 2long

What is known, specifically, about the OM's employer's HR dept's position on affairs?

The answer 2 that 2uestion should bear heavily on the path taken.

Wasn't it a Boeing top executive who was fired last year for having an A with a married man or woman?

-ol' 2long

Ok, here's the letter to his work:

"
To Whom It May Concern:

I have become aware of one of the employees of (OM’s work) being in an affair with a married woman. This is of concern to me not only because of the moral aspect of his actions, but also the high probability that he is using (OM’s work) time and resources to carry out this immoral relationship.

I strongly suggest that a review of OM’s records be made. The married woman that OM is having this relationship with lives and works in Washington State. I know for a fact that OM is using a cell phone to speak for hours nearly every day to this woman. I feel that if (OM’s work) is paying the bill for this cell phone usage, it would be a gross misuse of company resources. It is also very likely that he is using (OM’s work) phones to communicate long distance with the woman. OM has been using his (OM’s work) email to communicate with this woman as well. Between the last week of January, and the first week of April, he sent over 290 personal emails to the woman from this email address: (OM’s email address).

OM has taken at least two vacations with this married woman. One of the trips was to Orlando, Florida in mid-march; and the other was to Las Vegas, Nevada the second week of April. He has also taken time to visit the woman at her home in the state of Washington. Again, if he used company resources to finance these trips, it would be a huge misuse of (OM’s work) resources.

Not only is there the strong possibility that OM is using company resources; but there is the possibility of a conflict of interests in regards to (OM’s work). This woman is an accounting manager for a publicly traded insurance brokerage. I feel it is possible that any (OM’s work) ordered audits of this company could be compromised.

Lastly, I feel that (OM’s work) is not interested in having unethical and immoral behavior happening within the organization. If made public it would bring to question the ethical foundation of (OM’s work), and tarnish it’s reputation.

Please take immediate action in this matter to stop any further immoral actions and misuse of company resources.
"

I think that particular letter should have your name attached, and be cc'd 2 the OM's coworkers and immediate supervisor.

But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

(sidebar: RM was dismissed from his job at a state-run insti2tion in NM for unknown reasons, but I suspect it was because his xW or my W's coworker at her former job that hired RM as a consultant had exposed the A 2 his employer. In this case, I didn't have 2 do the exposing, but if I had done so 3 years earlier, I would have saved myself a lot of grief :end of sidebar)

-ol' 2long

2long...if I attach my name, then could add more certainty to it, but there is also the fact that it could be easily dismissed as a letter from an upset husband, and not taken seriously.

BB works in with these types of complaints and she feels that it is more likely to be taken seriously if it is annonymous.

I still think your WW is going to see right through the animinity of it and they are going to know you did it. Plus, you intend to do other exposures to his family this week. If she is going to take legal action again due to this exposure you are going to have to be honest in court about it anyway so why not sign it. Not to mention, you are likely not going to want to lie to her face when she questions you on it and they will have the same excuses to his bosses then had you signed it only then you'll appear more the stalker.

I understand BritBrats reasoning and I like that way too. It has it's merit also. Her way I thought would appear more annonymously as if a co-worker that feared losing his/her job was reporting a fellow co-worker for company embezzlement. In that case you'd state that reason for animinity and use terms like "our company". Further, the annonymous method may mean a few weeks of "invesitgation" before OM ever finds out he's been caught (a letter from you they will know about quite quickly I surmise). He'll also never directly relate the consequence as having been wrought by you nor his nefarious actions, only that he should have conducted such actions outside work. He can also rationalize the affair away as not really an affair and take the offensive as to the appropriateness of his relationship with your WW (i.e.-BH is crazy, abusive, neglectful or OK with it).

Either way, you are merely exercising your right to free speech and you have truth on your side. I think it's your call either way. After all, BB does know more about the likely results at the company than I.

Mr. Wondering

I'm with BB on the anon. route. I'll even recommend you edit as necessry to make it more look like it cold be an inside allegation. If the company has a web site, browse it for terminology or company-specific policies - incorporate as appropriate. Just don't say you're an employee as that would not be true.

WAT

I really don't care if they figure out it was from me. All I want is for the company to take it seriously.

And who cares if he tries to rationalize it or not. The damage will be done, the company will know about it, and he'll have to spend time dealing with that, instead of spending time with my WW.

Right?

Mr W.

Not being anonymous has other benefits, 2. Being honest and truthful is being undramatic (meaning, refusing 2 get sucked in2 the drama by playing along with it). It's putting all the cards on the table.

It would give GF the chance 2 acknowledge 2 his W's face that he sent the letter. It's more obviously "justice" and less interpretable as vengeance, that way. It would give him the chance 2 send the message that, although he can't control his W's choices, he certainly has a right 2 speak the truth about what's happening, and if the A is so wonderful, his W ought 2 want everybody 2 know, right?

And more importantly, it gives her (and the OM) something 2 talk about while they're clinging in chaos 2gether for a week.

Upset the applecart! We need more applesauce!

-ol' 2long

WOW, my dad really does not approve!!!!!

He thinks it'll have the opposite effect of what I want.

Forgot one:

It sends a strong message, sooner rather than later, that if his W doesn't want 2 be M'd 2 him, there's a proper way 2 go about getting unmarried, and it's NOT what she's doing.

-ol' 2long

This is what my dad said:


Like I said , you had your mind made up before you asked for my input. I really do hope it doesn't blow up in your face or lead to some type of lawsuit. What you're going to do isn't trying to accomplish anything other than be an act of vengence. If the affair ends, do you really think her actions will stop ? You're kidding yourself. WW is bad for you and DD. You need to follow through with the divorce.


He's not impressed!

Really? (this is nothing new).

What does he think you want?... ...THIS kind of marriage?

Look, if your dad thinks this will push your W in2 the OM's arms, he's probably right, and you probably are aware that's a possibility.

But frankly, if your W is inclined 2 do that because this is an exit affair from your marriage - like you have suggested your early relationship with her might have been an exit from her previous BF... ...well, then you and your DD may be better off, in my not so humble opinion...


-ol' 2long

Okay, I hadn't read your post about what he said...

I agree with his assessment, though, but that's not a very marriage building stance on my part.

-ol' 2long

Here's what I think is a benefit of putting your name on it. You send a message to WW that you OWN what you're doing and you're not a pansy. (not calling you a pansy either. LOL) You're not the undecisive BH she expects you to be. You're not predictable. I bet she has to look twice at the signature line.

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />