Well she's back. I called her and we talked for about half an hour.

I'm still trying to process it all. But basically her story is the same as always.

After we got off the phone, she failed to hang up. She immediatly used her office phone to call him. I got to hear her whole side of the conversation, where she tells him that I was crying the entire time we were on the phone. And she started to make plans with him for when she brings DD out to VA to meet him. How she wants to have OM's cousin and her kids there, so DD will be overwhelmed with meeting so many new people that OM will just be part of the crowd, and not be the focus of attention.

I'll add more as my emotions come down and I can think a little clearer.

I presume you're taking action through your attorney to make sure WW does NOT take your daughter out of the state? How about a protection order to make sure OM, and his family, does not have any access to your daughter?

I felt the need to get a lot of my thoughts down on paper "virtually". So I wrote another email to WW. I was going to CC OM on it too, to give him a little insight into who both me and WW really are.

What do you think:

You asked what I want, and this is it….I want us to try and learn to trust and love each other again. I want to show DD that it’s possible to fix a broken relationship; I don’t want her to learn that you just run off with someone else when you’re not happy. I told you before…you will not be happy with OM. You weren’t happy with Old Boyfriend, and you found me, then you weren’t happy with me, and you found OOM and OM. This is going to turn into an endless cycle for you, unless you start to think about what you’re doing, and start looking into yourself to see what is making you unhappy.

I see your relationship with OM developing the exact same way ours did. The countless hours on the phone, the longing to be together, the near complete disregard for all other aspects of your life…remember Old Friend? She was your absolute best friend, and you lost her because you blew her off to be with me. That is what you are doing now. You’ve not worked an entire week in who knows how long, you’re blowing off and lying to (and about) a good husband and great father, and you spend next to no time with your daughter.

Because of the similarities in how the relationships began, I see your relationship with OM falling apart the same way as ours. I don’t know how long it will take, but it will happen. I just hope that you don’t have any other children to hurt like this, when it does.

And then it will start again.

Now is a great time for you to stop the cycle from perpetuating. You have a husband that has always loved and adored you (yes even when you were 270 lbs., and didn’t work. And yes, even after you’ve betrayed him and broken your vows and his heart), and you have the world’s sweetest, most caring little girl. The two of us have bonded so much lately, we are like our own little two person family, but it’s not really complete without you. We want more than anything for you to be a part of this family again.

But let me make this clear right now; we do not want you to be unhappy in this family. This is my new vow to you. If you come back to us, I will no longer just sit back and expect our relationship (marriage) to work…I will do everything I can to make it work. This whole experience has taught me some very tough, but important lessons. I made mistakes in our marriage in the past, and I am learning from them, and will not make them again. And after you’ve come back to our family, and after we’ve worked diligently to be a happy loving couple, if we just can’t make it work…I will be satisfied. If you still feel the need to leave and find someone else to be with…so be it.

I know without a doubt, we can love each other and be happy again. We had it before, we can have it again. You don’t love me right now…but love is a choice; you can make the conscious choice to love me again. All three of us deserve that you give it a try.


And then there is the email I already sent her...is the new one kinda contradictory?


Our talks don’t tend to go so well, so I’ll write this instead.

As I’ve said before, I still love you and want a chance to repair our relationship. This is despite knowing your affair with OM is continuing. I am painfully aware that I was not meeting your needs as a husband and I apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Brian possible.

I have grown tremendously from this experience and I ask you to open your mind and see the changes for yourself. DD and I are closer than ever and I appreciate her more every day. I have looked at myself from your perspective and have recognized that my emotional outbursts of the past were judgmental, insensitive, and counterproductive. I have a new appreciation for you, and your need to be able to freely express yourself without hesitation. You can feel safe voicing your anger and concerns. Whatever happens to us, these changes are permanent in me and I am a better person because of them. I feel much better about myself as a person and as an individual.

During this experience my efforts initially were on trying to change you, and make you give us another chance. I realized that this was counterproductive and have since focused on changing me, not on blaming anyone else, or expecting them to change. I am the only person I can change. I know I have other improvements to make - and you can help me. Similarly, I can be the best person to help you make changes - if you allow me in. In short, I will avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and we can create a new life for the three of us that will meet all of our needs. It won’t happen overnight and it’ll take a lot of work, but we owe it to DD to try hard to make it work. Choosing not to try is the blind way out and it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones.

DD and I are the two people who together can help you become happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent reality, here for the long haul, and we have a lot of good memories for the foundation of a family. Similarly, you can make the two of us very, very happy. We want you and need you. I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way when or if you decide to end your affair. You can come to me in safety, knowing I will listen to you. Even if you’re not sure, I will understand and provide empathy.

Whenever you are ready to talk, I’ll be ready to listen. I loved you when I married you and I love you to this day. I am willing to do whatever it takes to put our family back together. I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage so that we meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new relationship in which everything we do makes all three of us happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate.

I am here for you and I love you,

GF, I'm concerned she will see these as validating her impression you are too needy and weak for her. It's an accepted thing that you don't talk "relationship" to the WS until they're ready for it deep into withdrawal. Your WW is not there. She'll take these and use them as more ammunition when she next calls OM to tell him how you're crying, etc. I think you should concentrate on getting the legal things done to get custody of your child and then go to a deep, dark Plan B. Plan A isn't working for this woman.

I'm concerned about your finances, pardner. Have you separated yours completely from hers? If she's flying back to Virginia from Washington all the time, how can she be meeting all of her obligations? I know the OM is paying for some of those trips, but it's still an expensive process. If she's not working full weeks at her job, that position is probably in jeopardy, in addition to the decreased income she's getting. Please tell me you’ve taken steps.

Complete waste of time! Don't send it.

Ok. As far as finances...I'm concerned too, but I've got control of my income. If she doesn't meet her obligations then that's going to cause problems, as I can't meet them all.

Her number one standing point through this whole process is how she doesn't want it to be a financial burden that would affect DD. I don't think she would let things get out of control, but I can't be certain, because she really isn't my wife right now.

I'm going to try and make sure our bills are paid without making a huge LB withdrawl.

Talk to your attorney about how to separate yourself from the increasing debt your wife is almost certainly creating out there. Your statement WW would not do things to affect DD confuses me. She ALREADY IS affecting your DD, if by nothing else than by withdrawing herself, her constant attention, her love, and her affection from her daughter's life. GF, there are threads out here about women who have summarily abandoned their children in favor of their partner in adultery. Do not trust someone who doesn’t exist right now. The alien is in command.

Right, I hear you. I was just stating how she doesn't want us to be in a financially crippling situation because in her twisted mind that is going to cause more harm to DD than WW's abandonment.

Way too many posts in this thread for me to catch up, but I will say that being detatched, confident and secure did wonders for me in the eyes of my FWW.

Once you start standing up for yourself and your family, being kind and caring to your wife, yet strong and secure, your WW will respect you more.

I know it's hard. I faked it most of the time in the beginning. But eventually, the confidence becomes real and you actually start to feel pretty darn good about yourself.

Just quickly jumping in.

First, GF has already filed for legal separation. So the debt incurred after that by his wife is hers.

Next, GF I just read your proposed email to WW and OM. I agree 200% with UVA, don't send it. It will not have any impact whatsoever.

I also am worried that you feel you need to bail your wife out of HER debt (aka consequences). She owns all of this mess SHE created. Not YOU!

You are again trusting her words and I fear you're in a semi-fog of your own now, GF:


Reality Check - Things are already out of control. You've just grown accustom to it.

Your WW has not been a mom to your daughter since late last year. She is rarely there for her. In between these excessive long distance trips to boink OM, she has a quickie visit with your daughter and tries to make up for her absence with gifts and fun outings. To date, your wife hasn't stopped spending money she doesn't have so she can pretty herself up for OM and every one of your CCs are maxed. What part of out of control are you not seeing?

You can COUNT on her not following through with any promises or commitments she makes right now. You are dealing with an addict. She only cares about her fixes and at the expense of her family. Did you forget how she had you legally removed from your home??? This IS the same person. If you don't comply or get in her way, she WILL step on you.

I apologize if this post is stern, just looking out for you and your daughter.

Jo

Ok, last night she told me she wants to take DD out to VA to meet OM this weekend.

I told her H*LL NO. He's not to be anywhere near DD. Read you're LS paperwork a little closer. You'll see that he is named specifically in it.

Last night she asked what I wanted. So I told her. She said that it's not going to happen, so what is my plan for when we the D is final. I told her that she should move to VA, and she can come visit DD when she wants to.

I told her that it is obvious that her family, or even just DD is not a top priority for her, and she could just go start her new life and leave us out of it.

I reminded her that if she fights me for custody, and happens to win, then her and OM will not be able to go out for 10pm dinners, and movies playing at midnight. They won't be able to take romantic Las Vegas vacations, and they will wind up in the exact same position that WW is in with me right now.

I told her that I want what is best for DD, and that is to have a healthy family. If that isn't going to happen, then I am the currently the best parent for the job.

I left her with those thoughts to chew on for a while. We'll see what her next move is. I'm guessing nothing. She doesn't want the expense of a legal battle, but she doesn't want me to "win" either, so she's likely to just continue on with the way things are right now.

Good. I gather she didn't have much of a response to what you said? Oh, the fog is thick with this one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

How's the legal stuff going, GF? Last I remember, it's going to be August before a hearing?

No, she didn't have any response at all. She was completely silent...that's a first I think.

Legally, we are still treading water. August is the hearing, so she'll have to make a decision between three things at that point

1. Working towards fixing our marriage
2. Agreeing to terms with me
3. Dragging us all through the court system so a judge can decide.

The ball is pretty much in her court. I've told her where I stand.

And also...you should tell her that IF you D, it'll be none of her business what your plans are. Leave her guessing.

Waywards hate to be left out...even when they scream to move on...and the only plans you have to clue her in on are ones regarding DD...after that, you owe her nothing...and it's about time she gets THAT thru her fog.

You don't have to be snotty about it...just say, "I have stuff in the works and leave it at that."

- Kimmy

PS...Sorry bubs, but I wanna take your WW out behind the barn....

Be my guest!! LOL

Can I help? I'll provide the barn and the can of whoop azz.

Not making light of this, because it has really bothered me seeing how mean and nasty your wife has been. She is a def candidate for the hall of shame.

I imagine your comments silenced her because she knows in the back of her mind that the OM is not after her because he wants a family. He wants the dating and the single lifestyle they currently enjoy. If he suddenly had her full time and the family responsibilities that come with the DD, he's gonna freak out.

The funny thing about these affairs is that they are most attractive to the participants while they cannot be together. Once they finally get what they thought they wanted, the uncomfortable reality begins to set in.

I agree. Reality can be quite startling when you've been living in a fantasy for the last 8+ months.

I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your precious daughter. You did really good!

One day your daughter will learn about how you behaved during this really bad time in your life. She'll realize you stood your ground to do what was in the best interest for her.

You are her knight in shining armor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

After spending the long weekend together with her, I feel like I'm going through withdrawls now that I'm at work. I want to leave early and go pick her up from day care. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />