I give up.

Mel,
Don't give up...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Laura,
I am the last to give advice, but YOU need to start listening here.


I don't even begin to understand this statement. HE is having an A, you expose, and you think additional exposure is going to destroy reconsciliation? What reconciliation? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> It doesn't sound like a recoonsciliation when he is out of the house and D is in progress. I am confused..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


Do plan A. Noone here can help you with some alternative. You will be swimming in that sea on your own.


Your kid's attitude is scary. YOU need to fight for what is decent. They are beginning to believe that an A is fine AS long as you are honest about it! SCARY <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />! Fight, fight!

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

laura ~ exposure will not bite you in reconciliation.

If you do not expose, you will never get to reconciliation.

Your opinion, I'm sorry to say, is not an informed, nor experienced one.

by the way...your WH does not do Plan A with you. You do Plan A with the hopes of busting up the affair (which is likely still going on but he's being quiet about it to get you along silently in the divorce) and attracting him back to the marriage. I know it's tough to do with him so far away but you should try.

Send him flowers to his office with an I love you balloon attached this week. Make certain the card attached is NOT enclosed in an envelope. Thank him for a nice weekend and indicates your love for him and that you are fighting for your marriage. The delivery person will drop it off with the receptionist and ALL the women in the office will see it and gossip.

You say everybody knows about the affair but how long has it been since you've told them? In the past many months WH has likely gotten to spin the truth and they could all be exposed to again, properly, in the MB way with an exposure letter available on this site (and earlier in your thread).

Sorry about your kids reactions but they have likely seen this coming for longer than you. I think you've been in denial and for far too long not properly addressed this situation. I say leave them out of it for now. This is your fight.

Get an attorney. He probably thinks he is just getting a lawyer to draft up the agreement for you to sign. One attorney can represent both parties in amicable situations.

Biding time is not a good plan. In 6 months you'll likely have the same problem, less love and less ammunition to fight the affair. You've delayed fighting long enough, fight NOW or just get divorced. Your choice.

Mr. Wondering

***I want plan A with both of working on it***

Laura, the whole point of Plan A is that ONLY YOU work on it.

Your WS does NOT work on it.

You are running around in a full-blown panic, you are not reading or listening or learning, and you are not letting anyone help you.

Did you consider my suggestion to see a real-life counselor? If you explain the whole situation to them involving your husband, your sister-in-law and your brother-in-law's suicide, I think the counselor might be able to help you understand what really happened and what you are really dealing with.
Mulan

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Laura, the usual advice is to do Plan A for at least a few weeks and then go to Plan B, but in your extreme situation I don't think Plan A is going to do anything more than enable your husband for a little while and make you feel even crazier.

Please

Please

Please

Don't go off half-cocked and in a panic.

READ on this site about Plan B.

Then come back here and we will try to help you with it.

In a nutshell, in Plan B you MUST do two things or it's not Plan B.

1) You write WH a polite letter saying that you would like to be married to him, but you find it simply too painful for things to continue the way they are. You tell him that if and when he wants to have a faithful marriage with you, you will discuss this with him, but NOT before he has made that committment.

2) You turn out the lights and go dark. You don't see him, you don't talk on the phone, you don't email, you don't text message, you don't send an owl, nothing. If there are kids, you get a trusted friend to act as a go-between for messages. That's ALL. If you're secretly keeping tabs on him, it's not Plan B.

This removes you from the pain and chaos of dealing with him, because you will know nothing of what he is doing on a day to day basis. It also gives him a cold hard lesson in what life will be like without you.

But Laura, you've got to do your part and learn something about Plan B. If you're not willing to do that, it won't work and we won't be able help you.

If you order the book *Surviving an Affair,* it will help you greatly in understanding Plan B.
Mulan

I came here for advice to save my marriage, someone figured out my identity and took it upon themselves to call my husband and tell him some of the bad feelings I shared here while I dealt with my emotions, too bad you didn't tell him the expressions of love for him I also posted here, anyhow, you did give us the oppurtunity to talk and discuss my postings here, good and bad, and for that I thank you.

In case your wondering, No - we did not fight, we discussed things and yes, what I said hurt him and I apologized for that, however, he did understand my need for advice and that is all I was looking for here.

I do wish to warn others though, apparantly not everyone is here because they are looking for help, I can't imagine what sort of gain was expected or who it was - if your here for help for yourself, good luck!

Ok, so is it now out in the open? R u to moving forward together, apart, not sure?

U say someone exposed your posting here? Very UNMB like, though not impossible I guess.

Is this a good or bad thing for your sitch?

Answer if you like. No pressure. Hope things work out now the truth is more in the open.

Does your H post here also?

take care,
L.

The chance that someone really found you here, identified your story and related it to your husband is a very long shot. I know every poster, less the first junior member, in your thread and guarantee it was none of them. At any point in time there are usually twice as many lurkers here so it is possible someone lurked and sought out your story here, like your sister in law, HOWEVER, I still think that is a huge longshot.

I would guess more likely than not either someone in your household, your family or an exposured person revealled it to him OR your husband has spyware on your computer. Just a much more likely scenario.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

Mr. Wondering