Slight threadjack here.

My monitor was blinking off and on ONE NIGHT,and all of a sudden I'm always having difficulty reading? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Laura, I'll have to read your thread to see what's going on with you. I'll check back with you later.

BTW, everybody is right. Your posts will be easier to read if you break it up into paragraphs, and my monitor has nothing to do with it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

,

/

/

Laura,

You've gotten some EXCELLENT advice here.

Your H doesn't have to be willing for you to Plan A. Read up on the concepts and download the emotional needs questionaires. Do one for yourself and do the other as you think your H would answer. You probably KNOW what his emotional needs are, since you've been married so long, but haven't been able to pin them down. Anyway, do your best to meet his needs without being a doormat.

And, if he stops supporting his family, you might need to seek legal separation to protect yourself and your son, financially.

But, don't talk divorce. Just calmly say, "I don't do divorce. I am only interested in recovering our marriage."
Otherwise, no relationship talk and no educating your H. Just leave things lying around that he might pick up and read on his own.

/

Laura, you are in Plan A. Please read Mr. Wondering's "Dos and Don'ts of Plan A" on the first page of your thread. The answer to your question is right there.

Also, this might help as well:


"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband

THE CARROT OF PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



THE STICK OF PLAN A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Laura,

I have been there and I know the deep pain you are going through.

Here's some words of encouragement for you...
You can and are taking care of yourself, your children and your home without him there. You know that you can do this and I know that you are incredibly sad about all of the loss.
You are strong. Period, the end. Make sure you WH sees that you are, not only, surviving but thriving. That deflects the "my wife will fall apart" mentality. Confidence and stability are very attractive to men. Needy, weepy and clingy drive them out the door.
It is very important that your WH knows that you believe in the marriage and that you don't want a divorce. WHs tell themselves that it is better for everyone to just cut their losses and quit. I know that you see the stupidity of that choice, but rest assured, he doesn't. Let the OW be the weepy, clingy, unstable mess. The bible says that the ways of an adulteress are chaotic and the ways of a wife are calm. You are the wife.
I stink at putting links on here, but read Ark's lighthouse post. Also, if you want, you can read mine and see where I was and where I am.

Be the lighthouse for you H. If you go out into the fog looking to save him, you can not only lose you H but yourself as well. If you are a lighthouse, still, steady, strong and let God's light of truth and grace shine through you into the fog, your H can then choose to turn toward tha light and find his own way home. It's hard and you will be hurting and frustrated while you are standing there, but you want a willing husband and not a wayward husband who is there out of guilt and fear.

Stay strong and ((((((laura))))))
Loni

Laura, have you exposed this affair to all the family members? When we say "expose" we don't mean putting out fliers in the neighborhood, but to key family members and anyone else who will have influence. For example, good exposure targets should be: his parents, her parents. your parents, Human Resources at his job, all of your children. This has gone on for so long [perhaps even before your BIL killed himself] that you can't afford to scrimp on this step.

And I would definitely tell your children the WHOLE TRUTH. Let them know this affair has been going on for years. They need to know this.

Post deleted

/

/

What I said about "outing" the boss on the exposure letter I take back now. In the event you, in fact, don't save your marriage, I don't want boss vindictive against you and assisting WH with concealing income. For example, he could put WH on a small salary and then after alimony and child support is set give him small/large bonus's or even worse yet...cash.

As far as your Son's statement...same thing most of the world, other than those here would say. He's aware of many friends from divorce families and likely discussed it. From his point of view it's over. Adolescents have no concept of marriage.

The crying and all that carrying on does sound good to me. Means he is possible conflicted and from the sound of it wants to minimize your pain...like he's doing you a favor. Your stubborness and consistency will wear on him and MAY bring him around. Of course, I think the 3 week no contact thing is a lie. They might have cooled it in hopes he can facilitate a quickie divorce. As soon as he and OW come to accept and realize that you will and are going to fight, drag it out, fight for $$$$, and EXPOSE them they will have much difficulty continuing the affair.

Get the book "Love Must be Tough". Based upon YOUR level of frustration it may assist you with the logic behind standing up to your WH, lovingly, and trying to change the dynamic in your relationship.

Don't discuss the financials. Just tell him to forward it to your attorney.

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

Laura - I think you area dealing with far deeper problems here than just a "normal" affair or figuring out Plan A. You must remember that we are all caring and well-meaning folks here, but we are not professionals, and I think that it's going to take professional assistance to help you make sense of your situation right now.

Please keep posting, but please do get out your phone book and look for a professional counselor whom you can talk to face to face.

When people get caught cheating, their first reaction is to become extremely defensive and do everything possible to make it look like they didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes, in order to prove themselves right and justify their actions, they feel they MUST keep the cheating relationship going - even to the point of divorcing their current spouse and marrying their affair partner.

And when the affair has caused extreme damage and destruction -- even more than "normal" - the cheaters are going to hold on to their affair even more tightly to prove that what they were doing was okay (because if they stop, that would be admitting it was wrong, now wouldn't it?)

What has your husband said, to you or to anyone else, about his brother's death?
Mulan

/

Laura, your H is having an affair. That is why he has left you. So, it shouldn't surprise you that there is a call from OW on his phone. Just accept that fact and work from that starting point. He is lying to you when he says he is not having an affair.

We have given you a plan, but you don't seem to want to listen to anything anyone says. When you are ready to get to work here and quit with the aimless fretting, read this:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

/

But you cannot expect truthfulness from an UNTRUTHFUL PERSON. He is in an affair, and you shouldn't enter into ANY AGREEMENT with him AT ALL. The only response should be:

"I don't do divorce, I only do marriage." SMILE

Don't try to negotiate with him. Don't do anything! Make him do all the work.

Now, did you read ANYTHING that was posted to you here about Plan A and exposing his affair?
What is your PLAN to save this marriage?

/

/