Hurting,

Well now, you are about 9 months into this.

Let go now, and let God, you have done all you can do. You exposed way too late, but it is what it is. You know you might try a Plan B letter, and really do it this time.

Seems like your WS lands on his feet after all this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

However, he will have to pay. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

You keep on keeping on, and move on, for your sake, and your children.

I think your DD is getting it. Your son is hurting, like you.

I would suggest, as I would have a long time ago, that you find another place to live. I know that you could not afford it. You will be able to move when you get things settled with STBXWS. Although WS has a new job, he will still have to pay. And you DO deserve this, after all the years you put in to support your family.

Find a new spot. GOD WILL PROVIDE. New memories, new times, and a safe place for your son. He needs that. And you need to let loose of what you are giving MIL. And by that I mean let your SIL have the house. By the way, hope she is doing well. Let God find you a new house, with new memories.

Let this all go and start anew. Go dark. Plan B for real.

don't worry about what WS said to your DD about not mentioning your name to him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Too bad, it is what it is. You will be a part of his life, always, because of kids and all that time you were married. ow may want you to go away but you will not be going away anytime soon.

Just love your DS as much as you can and move on. I believe, in my VHO that this is the only way you should go. You have done your best, now stop worrying about WS, and get on with it.

Plan A when you have to deal with all of this, and get yourself a new life. You deserve much better than this. You are SOOO worthy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

180 you KNOW what you need to do. You need to move on now, and if WS wants to be your H again, so be it, but you have the power when that happens.

Your WS has played you and ow. He is doing damage control now, but in the long run, he will not be trusted by ow. She will be much more controling and totally LB right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Just let that happen and live your life.

You deserve the best, and if you find someone who will treat you better after your D, so be it. You so deserve this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

And yes, I am very over on your WS. Can't you tell? LOL. Time for total darkness.

You know you have my prayers.

And you can email me anytime. But you know that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Okay all, everyone can smack me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

MissM,

I am dark and plan on staying that way. I don't plan on giving him another planb letter. He knows what he has to do if he ever wants to come home.

Your right I am giving this up to God now, I have done all I can do.

the exposure was to OW about him playing both of us .... Everyone else was exposed to from the beginning....

Believe me OW is not happy right now and has him on a short leash, he can not come near my house to pick up or drop off DS without her with him..... Heck he wanted to pick DS up today at the corner.. But she came with him and so they pulled up in front of the house...

I happened to be outsaid doing something when they showed up, I didn't run and hide I just smiled and kissed my son bye and went about my business.....

I am fine and will be fine..... In fact I feel really good...

Hurting

Hurting:

I'm going to be honest with you. I've been with you throughout the entire process. I believe I owe you my opinion.

I think you are headed for D which is not necessarily a BAD THING. You've come a long way in your personal recovery and I think you will have a great life with or without your WH.

My concern is that you may have given up on your marriage and the MB System. I certainly can understand that, too. It is hard and difficult. It's a miracle that any of us can do this. Plus, you have had to struggle with your children and working two jobs. You are at the end of your rope.

However, I want to point out a few things. I wish you could have remained DARKER. You say you are in PLAN B but you are really not, Hurting. DARK means absolutely NO CONTACT..NO DRAMA. You say you "happened" to be outside when he showed up to pick up your son...you got to see your WH with the OW...your children continue to fill you in on what they are doing...etc....

Such "OUT OF THE DARK" events take deposits out of your LOVE BANK for your WH..You unfortunately have seen too much of the ugliness which may account for your negative feelings towards him now. I don't feel that he is much different than other WSes. It's just that YOU and WE know much too much about him and what he and the OW are doing. I'm so glad that I was kept in the dark about much of that or I don't think I could have done RECOVERY..The OW would be too much of our lives now. You seem to KNOW HER TOO WELL..It's like she's become a part of your family..YUCK..

That's the other negative thing. I think that your son's move to live with them is definitely ENABLING the affair big time. Your WH is able to pretend that was he is doing is OK as a father although living in SIN and allowing his son to be there with him-YUCK. She is able to pretend like she is a mother to him and they are able to pretend that they have a family. I don't really know you or your family and I know I probably have no right to make such an extreme statement. I'm sticking my neck out here, Hurting. However, it really disgusts me to think that your son is living there. I didn't want to bow out of posting to you without telling you this.

Some people gave me 2X4s for raising concerns about this to you, saying "What can Hurting do?". I know for sure that if it was me that I would do anything humanly possible other than murder to keep that from happening to my son. That's my viewpoint, I know. You are certainly welcome to your opinion. However, I would not put my children in that situation. It would be like sending them to HE// and if one of my children decided to do that on their own..go live with my H and his HO..I definitely would not take them to an amusement park....

Sorry Hurting..I had to let you know....

Mimi,

I do understand your frustration with me and all of this.

Yes my planb has been very bad. I suck at it no doubt. I know way to much about his life and hers as well. But to be honest I don't really feel negative about him, I still love him. I feel sorry for him and all of the things he has done and is doing is ruining his life.

As far as DS goes I really didn't have many choices in it. I spoke to the attroney about it and yes I could have forced DS to stay here but what good what it have done me. He would have rebelled further caused more hurt feelings for him and I. I still have not given up on bringing him home but I am going to do it the legal way. Having a judge tell him he has to come home keeps me from being the bad guy. Maybe thats the chickens way out I don't know but it the only way I see for it to be done without resentment from him. I told DS yesterday before he left I loved him and please come home soon.

As far as the amusement park thing went, I seriously concidered cancelling it, but after much thought I decided this was not the best approach. I felt that if I cancelled it would be seen as a contol tactic. it would be like saying since you won't live with me and do things my way so I am going to control you by taking away the things I promised you. DS would have been told by WH see yuor mom can't have things her way so she is going to punish you, she will only do things for you if you do what she wants. Maybe I am not explaining this the right way but I hope you can see what I mean.

Also as far as me being outside when they came it was not a ploy or somethign I did on purpose, I was outside talking to a friend and taking trash out. I was not the one late on picking DS up he was. I am not going to hide in my house to keep them from seeing me. I didn't do anything wrong and i am not going to hide away becasue of this mess.

You may be right the divorce probably is going to happen. Again not my choice but I can live with it if it happens. Again I am not the one who made these choices and will have to live with the regrets later on. it may take it to happen for the full effect of reality to hit home with WH.

The reality right now for me is, he is gone and with another woman like he is single. He has no desire to work on us and he thinks he is happy. I have been by myself for almost 10 months now and I am taking care of myself and doing fine. Yup I miss him and what used to be but I am surviving and for the most part happy. I have not givien up all hope but I also am not sitting here waiting for a miracle to happen anymore. It's all in Gods hand and he will do what is the best for me. I truly believe this.

So if you feel that posting to me is something you don't want to do anymore I respect your descion, just know that I have appreciated you through all of this. You brought me throug many hard times and gave me hope when I felt all was lost. For all of this I say thank you from the bottom of my heart.


Hurting

Hurting,
Check out the post started by Shattered05...Six stages of mid life crisis. There is a new poster on there Newman4060 giving lots of insite to male midlife crisis. I read it and thought OMG this is SSOOOOO Hurting's WH. Check it out.
(could figure out how to do the link thing)

MCL link
This might be it.

Confused ,

I have been reading it and i thought the same thing, it fits my WH to a tee.

I have not posted on it but after reading it, it made so much sense to me and made me see I am not crazy he really is going through this....

I am just waiting this out and continuing life.


Hurtng

I'm still struggling with the FIGHT or FLIGHT issue...in referring to bowing out of posting to you...I thought it MIGHT happen because...I get so INFURIATED by ABUSE of children and I think it is EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE for your H to agree to have his son live there with him...IT IS AWFUL..Him sleeping in another room with a woman who is not his mother...a woman whom he abandoned his family to live with...YUCK...I know that I don't need to paint this picture for YOU...You live this....


You see, I don't understand this. I don't want you to feel beat up by me because you have been through enough but this reasoning...I just can't understand... How could this be considered being the BAD guy? You would be SAVING him from being in the presence of WICKEDNESS...Who else is supposed to protect him other than his PARENTS... and that includes your husband.



I don't care if my son hates me while I'm making a decision that is in his best interest. He may hate me now but he will UNDERSTAND later..when he is an adult. I'm concerned that you are treating your son as if he is an adult and your equal. He is in the process of learning about manhood and relationships. Look at his role models. He needs to understand that what is father is doing is WRONG and that it will NOT BE ACCEPTATBLE for him to do this to his wife and children. He is in the process of developing his MORAL CHARACTER. He is not finished yet with his development.

You are certainly a SPECIAL WOMAN, Hurting. I did want my strong feelings on this issue to make you feel down about yourself. You've come a long way....and have been treated so badly by your WH..as we all have by our WSes...

Mimi,

I do understand what you are saying. And your right about so much of this with DS. he is a child and he is learning the wrong thing from his father. But to be honest here what was I to do? He ran from me Mimi, helf my house and went to them. I could not phycially pick him him up and bring him home. I know its wrong for him to be there, I don't like it but tell me besides involving the law how else can I make him come home.....

its one of these things now I have to use the legal system to get my child home, its my only way left. So I making an appt. with my attorney to get this process started. I am playing it cool for now so as not to tip my hand... This will all work out I feel it.. He will come home.....

Hurting

Mimi - I think it would be a shame for you to bow out of Hurting's situation right now. She may not be doing what you want, but she needs the support and you are very good at supporting others! I'm sure you are frustrated, but no more so than Hurting herself. Hurting is doing what she thinks is right and what is working for her for now. This is all just my opinion. I always love to hear what you have to say Mimi because you speak from your heart. I may not always agree with you but you are someone who I value on this forum.

Hurting - You have fought a tough battle. It may or may not be over for you, but I so admire your strength and courage. I completely agree with you when you say you are not going to hide from your WH and his OW. You have done nothing wrong...they have! Stand proud and don't hide! That does not mean you have to be in their face, but I wouldn't hide either.

I do think you know too much about their life together. Kids are like that...they want to tell their Mom everything.

About your son. It must kill you for him to be at that house. Do not give up on him. Fight for your son! Let him know that you will ALWAYS be his Mom and you will ALWAYS be there for him. Too bad your WH is not smart enough to tell his son to move back home with you. Your son will come home one day...be there for him with open arms. He is lost right now. He wants his father. He knows he has you, but he wants his Dad. Too bad the kids are always the one who suffer.

Keep posting and keep us updated on what's going on in your life. You are a strong woman hurting!

To all,

I don't know if this is an apology, or an explanation, or what. but here it is.

My own parents divorced because of my father's A.

7 years later, I moved in with the infidels. Because my mother never got over it. Her depression was stifling any joy that had been possible in our house. She was letting herself go, the house go, and her own children go. She reveled in TV and mindless purchases that never filled the void. This was not a healthy place to be for myself or my siblings. Her own depression was so great that we, even in our young ages and innocence, were drawn into her depression. Moving out preserved my sanity, saved my life.

I don't know your sich any more than what you've posted, and for all the pain you've suffered, I feel terrible pangs of guilt for my own mom.

So I was there when my father said he made a mistake when he D'ed my mom. And saw firsthand the mistrust, and the innuendos. I am blessed knowing he gave up happiness for this pseudo-life. I also know not to repeat his mistakes.

Trust your DS will find his way. You've raised him right, and he will come back to you when he's done whatever it is he needs to do. In no way large or small will this OW ever earn genuine affection from your DS. This is his own way of making sense of what happened, trying to placate the rejection that I'm sure he feels. He will learn for himself that your wh lost more than he gained, and will hold new oceans of respect for all that you have endeavored to do, (if he knows what is good for him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ).

Just a quick note to send support and HUGS your way, Hurting.
I think I get the picture on the exposure that ocurred,
and hope that none of that came back on you since you had
nothing to do with it-
I'd think that'd be just another "nail in the coffin" as
far as the A. OW is going to trust WH even less, and be
more paranoid and insecure about everything which will lead
to more LB's. WH is going to resent the "short leash" and
constant monitoring, which will be a big LB.
If WH's going to be in town more, that's even more time to
be together, which is more time for the LB's to happen !
Likely OW will also resent DS being there and the attention
and/or expense of another person, so the LB's will just keep
piling up. Then there's the issue of WH losing his job...
hhhmmmm, he can feel resentment that the situation with OW
caused that to happen, and OW can feel resentment over the
change in income, and that's even more LB's, until the whole
big mess comes crashing down...........

Seems like staying "clear" of the mess, and in the dark is
the best place to be. As you've said, you are doing well
on your own, have overcome numerous obstacles, and are still
showing yourself with dignity, courage, and strength.

I too, would think DS will find out very quickly what it's
really like to be with his Dad, and can't imagine that he
will want to stay there for long, especially if there's
constant LB's, arguments, and tension around the house -
that sounds very uncomfortable !
Hang in there,
Slammed

Well, well....that is what I call sweet Karma.
What goes around comes right back around. For some it takes it's time....for others, it is quick. But, in the end....what people do to others comes back around to them in good time.
I am concerned about your child living with them. Anyway, you can take him back?? Your child, that is?? Doesnt sound like a very stable environment right now.
I am sorry this happened to you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But, Karma is kind of fun to watch in action, isint it??

Lost you said:



You raise some important points. You see, I responded to Hurting so I certainly have not bowed out. I will say again that I continue to struggle with that FIGHT or FLIGHT SYNDROME..When a situation, makes me extremely angry, I want to FLEE..no doubt about it...it's part of my personal growth to try to hang in there...

I am such a people pleaser. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and am very sensitive about getting my own feelings hurt. That's my issue here. I respect and feel for Hurting immensely and do not wish to add any to the pain that she is feeling. That would be the reason for me bowing out ...NOT because she is not "doing what I want her to do"...it would be my AVOIDANCE of knowing about a situation that I find to be particularly disgusting..

It's how I feel about the situation. I own that this is MY ISSUE. This really strikes a personal chord for me. As a child, I was too highly involved in the DRAMA of my parents' marriage and that all continues to haunt me to this day...spent years in therapy dealing with it..so I tend to have strong feelings about such situations..a large part of those feelings do not have anything to do with Hurting..I feel that I would be too subjective/biased based on my own life experiences...

So I personally can't relate to Hurting's decision. I'm not sure what I would do if the FOW in my case got anywhere around my children and I'm not sure what either one of them would do if they were in her presence..not proud at all to say this...maybe this is something that I need to personally work through before I begin to talk to someone else about what they need to do in this type of situation...

Mimi - You remind me so much of myself it's scary! I understand exactly where you are coming from!

You really are VERY helpful on this board!

To all of you,

Ths issue of DS and what is right or wrong has no clear cut answers. We all do what we feel is right at the time. Yes ,we may find out later we made the wrong descion, but thats being human and we all make mistakes.

I have thought about this for many hours, and knowing my son like I do I believe i handled this the right way. For others it may not be the right way.

let me stress this I love my son very much and I want whats best for him. I know him being with the is not the ideal situation at all but I do believe that is something he has to find out on his own.

I can sit here all d ay and rationalize with him and show him its wrong but in the end it will all be of no use if he is determined to do this.

He is thinking with his emotions and wanting his dad in his life. He is not looking ahead to the consequenses of this, he is a child who is torn and in pain. He loves both of his parents and wants to be with both of us. He knows i am the safe one and he knows he can come home at any time. He knows I have been nothing but honset with him, he also knows his father has lied and cheated. He knows what has happened is wrong and a sin but yet the love he feels for his dad is a stronger pull than any morality I can throw at him.

I am here for him and ready to be the parent he needs when all of this comes tumbling down around him and it will. In my heart of hearts I know he will come home once he see's life for what it really is with them. I just have to be patient and let this play out and be there for him when the time comes...... and it will

Hard lesson to learn for someone so young, dealing with your parent you love very much becoming someone else and leaving you and turning the life you have had upside down. Everything you ever held dear is gone your family unit is gone along with your mom trying to make things right.

Mom who was always there is no longer there she is working two jobs to take care of you and you can't figure out why this happened. Yes you hear what people say but does it really make sense to you, no it does not..... You want your life back you had so you go searching for it. You see it isn't happening at home with mom so you decide well let me see if its with dad now. Well you go to dad and find out its nt the same either. You are not in your hosue you lived in all your life, your sharing your dad with some other kid who is not your sister. You share him with some other woman who is not your mom... After awhile home looks good because you finally see mom is th safe place, she didn't walk away from you, you see she is fighting to save your family.... You finally realize you need to go home.... The safe place....


Thats what happened to me when my parent divorced... I went through this and once i realized home was safe and mom was the one I needed , ,I went home.....


Hurting

{{{hugz to you and your children}}}}..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

We do understand, just frustrated right along with you. It's hard even from way out here not to want to go and make it all right for you and your family.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Arrrrgh.....to the WS. Arrrrgh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> .....where's that MB punching bag?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

orchid,

Frustrating isn't even the word I would use right now, its more than frustrating all of this crap.

When you find the punching bag let me know, I could use a few punches myself...

Hurting

((( Healing )))

Sorry, I have not had a chance to post sooner.. I was out of town last week and busy all weekend with guests.

We all wish you could have been darker in your Plan B, but with all the relatives involved, it was impossible. YOU stayed dark and did it the best that you could.

Healing, you have done everything right all these months. And you just keep getting hurt. I believe that you have earned the right to distant yourself from the drama. You must do what you can to make it through this. You have been dealt the worst pain possible and have survived it.. This in itself must give you great satisfaction. You did it !!! ~~~ Dealing with infidelity is one of life's worst pain. (I have heard it said that it is the worst) and you survived it !!!

I also agree with you that your son must see it for himself. Yes, as his mother you want to shield him from pain and bad decisions. But, he is also their father. Plus, your son will only see what is going on over there by actually living there. just like you can tell someone a zillion times something -- but usually they must see it for themselves. I believe this is what you are trying to do.

Again, I am so sorry for not posting sooner... I think the world of you ~~ and I hope you know it !!!

Carnation

Carnation,

Good to hear from you. yeah its hard to let DS be there but I think he has to see things for himself.

DD just came to me after talking to her dad and said Mom dad asked me if I wanted to move to OKC with him.... I just said well its your choice your old enough to decide that. She said well he says DS is wanting to move with him there...

Not sure if OW is going to or not but I would say so...

what a mess...

Hurting

Oh good gravy ~~ this is a mess !!!


Not sure what you should do now, Healing.... what do you think you should do ???

Oh good gravy .......


carnation