He doesn't want you to find something out, hence the sudden concern for something he never practices, "decency." Abandoning your pregnant wife and children for a ho is indecent. Protecting yourself by calling up her H is not indecent. He is playing ya!

Thanks ML--I will and plan to. I figured I have nothing to lose. I don't care if this hurts her. He thinks that is my motivation. It is not.

Call her--ooohhhh....can I handle that? I think I'd start crying.

my thoughts exactly!

nononono, you don't have that luxury. Just call her up and say WH wants to come home now, says he desperately loves you, and their affair is over. You would like to hear her version of events.

It is very probable that he is lying to you both, so this will get his lies out in the open.

BE "indecent," intexas! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Lady, you've been taking an awful lot on faith from your WH. You know for a fact he's been lying to you while looking you right in the eyes for a long, long time, but you're accepting his word when he says his affair is over? Excuse me? Chances are, he's hit a rough patch with her and now he wants the security of your home to wrap around him until she's finished being mad at him.

You have to decide if you want to revive this marriage or not. You say you do not, but you're still here on MarriageBuilders.com. That tells me you're half inclined to try to rebuild what you once had. In spite of all the truly obscene things he's done to you if, deep down, you want to...then go ahead and try, but set a time limit on it. Plans A and B DO have built in time limitations. Perhaps you can make one final investment?

If you do decide to try, I sense you've not done a full exposure on this. If you've never talked to the OW's ex-husband, who DID you expose to? I can't find your old threads at the moment to review them, so I may be off base on this. For sure, if you're going to make one final attempt, you need to do a Plan A by the book and that includes a nuclear exposure. You'd need to make sure everyone who can put pressure on the affair finds out about it. If it's "re-exposure," the same criteria apply. Your children aren't old enough to be told, but that sure leaves a whole universe out there of people who can express their disapproval with your WH.

Okay, Intexas, you make your decision. If you decide to try again, or if you decide enough is enough, there are tons of folks who will be here to support you. Just let us know, okay?

i did expose to her h, her parents, and school officials where they work together. Exposure didn't make a difference as this has continued to last.

I wanted to not expose now--but rather confirm some facts. Just wanted to make that clear.


I am somewhat uncertain. I am fearful of it working, not fearful of being alone. But I have three boys who I'd like to give this another chance for. Maybe. If he can do what I would need. IF.



I haven't laughed all day. Thank you for that one. Calling her will not be easy. Can I give her a piece of my mind?

She doesn't deserve it! It will not be easy on HER, since she is the one who has been a ho. You have NOTHING to be uneasy about, on the other hand. Call them both up and get it over with, intexas! BE INDECENT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You know, it's hard sometimes to work up your nerve for unpleasant confrontations. Personally, I'm not at all a confrontational person, so I feel ya.

But I'd bite a bear square on his butt for one of my kids though...and I bet you would too.

So, think of it this way... Your babies have grown unaccustomed to having 'Daddy' in the home. If your husband returns to his family and then decides later on down the pike that he's not really where he wants to be...he's not just leaving you again. He's yanking the rug out from under the kids too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I agree with Mel. I'd call the woman and I'd call her exH as well. I'm aware of the fact that OWs lie, and you can't be sure that she'd tell you the truth. But that's not the important part anyway. What you're actually looking for is WH's reaction.

Oh dear God I just called him.

He says she is trying to come back to the marriage and that she thinks their fling has run its course. He would like me to continue to call him and let him know what I know. he says she has never admitted to sleeping with my WH. He says he is over her, but is still somewhat willing to work on them.

I am not ready to call her yet.

What should it be?

BRAVO! Now you can probably figure out what is going on here. She is fed up with your H and wants to come home. The OWH DOES know they are in an affair, right?

Now, you just have figure out if you want the marriage back. Because if you do, you will need to set some conditions for his return, lest you go through this all over again the next time he finds a ho.

yes, he knows. She just won't admit it to him.

i set up some prelim conditions earlier on this thread. think that's a good start?

Might be a good idea to get it all on the table now:

1. no contact letter written together and mailed by you

2. complete transparency

3. Marriage counseling

4. Four Rules of Protection: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

just had a thought- he may not want to write the letter because she is dumping him- thinks it will make him look stupid- push harder - let him look stupid.

I'm praying for you, InTexas.

Thanks guys. Thanks ML for giving of your Saturday to me. It means a lot. A very lot.

I am gonna take it easy for the night. Cuddle the boys and remember my motivation in all of this(he brought them back early). Hopefully work won't be super busy this evening.

I am gonna call her. Just a little too tired for any more drama tonight. I will call her tomorrow and post back here. Wish me luck.

What it shouldn't be is WH going off like a ballistic missile because you called his mistress and questioned his story. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

It seems reasonable to me that a sincere FWS who's intent upon reconciling the marriage would need to develop some empathy. At some point, he'll need to 'walk a mile in your shoes' and understand the pain and confusion he's caused. Even if he's only in the beginning stages of learning to empathize with you, I think it's reasonable to expect at least some progress in that regard.

I have no doubt that finding out you called his OW would be uncomfortable and squirmy for him, but if he's able to focus on your needs at all...he should be able to put himself in your place and understand why you did it.

So, if he goes completely off on you....I think you can interpret that fairly as 'lacking in empathy'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

As I said before, I hate to be negative but I really do believe that the recovery phase is going to be a problem unless this guy EARNS his way. If he can't show you that he's willing to support your needs before you let him back through the door, I have my doubts that he'll gather the wherewithal to do so later.

To be honest, your thread reads very much like a story about a 'dumped' guy who's proving to his former mistress that he has someplace to go....that there's somebody out there who still wants him. And I don't think it's fair to you or your kids if he's using you as his 'fall-back plan'. You and the children deserve to be prioritized in his life.

I find it troubling that he's so insistant on your agreement to take him back before he's proved himself to you. It seems as if the driving force is NOT reuniting with his wife so much as not ending up alone.

I hope I'm wrong about that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hey intexas, the reason I wanted you to call OW was to find out if he was trying to play both sides of the fence by lying to you both. Since it seems that is not the case, that she is probably dumping him, perhaps there is no reason to call at this point.

For now, you could stay in touch with OWH and focus on setting your boundaries for your WH. He really does have to EARN his way back in.

So please summon up ALL YOUR STRENGTH and do this the right way now so you aren't dealing with this crap for years to come. If you allow yourself to settle, you will be for a ****** of a hard road. Might as well get what you need while you have leverage.

If you let him back without his enthusiastic agreement to your boundaries, you will have no leverage AFTER THE FACT. Get what you need while the getting is good!

p.s. I sure would be interested to know your MOTHER'S reaction to all this.

Wanted to go to bed, but just had to take a guest to the emergency room and will have to pick her up later. (this is tough with three little ones--gotta tote them along in these cases--luckily it doesn't happen often).

I appreciate all feedback I am getting. And I wanted to tell you all something because, well, it's because of this site that I am even able to say what I am about to say.

I came here about one month after WH left. I did not know he was a WH, however, i had read Love Must Be Tough and another book about spouses leaving. I knew of the friendship from cell phone calls, and found this site. I lurked, then posted. And then I was hit kinda hard.

Immediately I am being told my H is a WH. I have no clue why that surprised me as I was posting on an infedelity forum so you'd think it would be obvious--but I was somewhat taken aback. As we all know, it's a hard blow.

So I waited to get my proof. I exposed too late I think. I would change that if I changed anything. I would tell any new poster here to stop being afraid of the WS. I learned that again today. And I learned it for the last time.

Plan A was a natural for me. I am an agreeing person. I did do my own version, as I would not kiss him while he was not living with us and then again when he had OW on the side. While that need was important to him, I had a boundary up. I wouldn't compromise. Still haven't kissed him since Aug. 14. Still. I mixed my plan A with Dobson's plan. I have never begged. Just always let him know I was committed.

He wanted a trial run. I said no. I am not a trial. I will not compromise. You have a girlfriend.

The baby came. He wanted home. I said no. You have a girlfriend.

And (yes, there's a point to this getting-long post) through all of that (and all the hurt I sucked up by myself) I have remained strong and confident that I am gonna be 100% okay without that man. I never felt like I needed him to be happy--quite the opposite--one lesson I learned much earlier in my life was that only God would complete me.

And that is where I am at today. I am not allowing this chance because I need my WH. Because I am weak. I am not jumping in full force. I am treading lightly. I am much safer if I just say no. Just saying no feels better.

But I have never taken the easy road. I have boundaries and I have a plan that I would need. I am NOT gonna waiver on it. IF my boys ever see their daddy home again, you can be dang sure it's because their mom was convinced of a repentant heart. Of a changed man.

I want nothing less. I have already told him some of my expectations. Not all. Just some. I'll post them here in a minute so I can have them here to remember and get feedback on. I'll be up late now waiting for that family and then trying to get the boys back down.