Yes, I would say that. Now understand I did not say that you deserve it.

You cannot beg or make someone love you. As long as you have went without SF and respect and caring from this woman says a lot about you. The fact that you allow it to go on and on and on and yet seem suprised by her treatment of you.

Look, I have been there too! Wanting someone to love you and treat you well and respect you and then when it does not happen you get down. You need to try something else. If you expect anything from her at all that a person should do with someone they love, she leaves or threatens you that she will leave.

If you want it to stop then do something about it. Start moving on and demand some respect for yourself. She treats you like she does because you allow it.

SH told me about my last relationship "sounds like you have a revolving door policy, so what you get is a revolving door relationship".

How do you change the relationship?

Change the door...

...to a door that is just a little bit harder to open up next time. If you know the door is closing, shutting and locking, you might tend to think a little harder before going out it.

Weaver...excellent analogy!!

IHadEnough - Excellent post and "spot on!"

The marriage COVENANT is a promise and commitment and contract that demands no less.

Post deleted by Cherished

It was SH's, FH...when I counceled with him, and believe me it drove the point home loud and clear.

Welder,

Every time she leaves it should be harder for her to come back. Ask Orchid....the ante goes up each time, it is the only way to get out of this viscious cycle of weakness on both your parts.

No she isn't. She is very unhappy and lost or she would not be conducting her life or marriage like this.

Welder needs to be strong as her husband, put boundaries in place...tough love as they say. When you love someone you don't enable them to deal like she is.

You become strong and do what needs to be done for both your sakes.

Post deleted by Cherished

I think...maybe I've been so cahught up in not failing, and being in love, that I've at times forgot that I deserve a good wife. I know that I want to keep trying but most likely should have been tough and strong from the start...2 yrs. have passed and I'm still not sure of her committment.
True about the "play" recoveries and stuff. Maybe I've lost some of my faith as a christian because my trust in my wife has failed so much..if thats understandable?

WB, it all begins with acknowledging there is a problem. Then it progresses to an acceptance that what has been done up to this point has NOT worked and "more of the same" won't likely help either. That's when it's possible to change, to take the "hard road" instead of the easy road as in the past.

So let's start with two things, your relationship with Christ and your need to decide what Boundaries and Standards YOU will have for yourself.

The first begins fairly simply. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. If you have, it your "desire" should be to please God by surrendering your will to His will and follow Him in humble obedience to His commands. Remember, you are bought and paid for at the cost of Christ's life. YOU did not come cheaply to God. And he forgave you of everything, for Christ's sake, not because you merited or deserved forgiveness.

Second, you need to determine what are your Boundaries (those things that you will not allow others to do TO you) and the consequences that will be imposed by you for violations of your boundaries. Next you need to define your Standards(those things that you will not allow yourself to do to others) and who or what determines those Standards. I would suggest choosing God's Standards as those that might best serve you, but you are free to choose any Standards you wish (hopefully not illegal ones though).




Now what makes you thing that you "deserve" a good wife? What have you done that deserves anyone, let alone a good wife? On the other hand, if you are married to the woman God provided for you because He knew in advance that she was going to need you to be there for her as her husband and "stand-in" for Christ in your marriage, then I would agree that you "got what you deserved" and she "got what she deserved."

Your is supposed to be a marriage that honors God. Nevermind that it might not have been one up to this point. God is quite adept at forgiving when people "hit bottom" and finally turn to Him in surrender and in obedience to "do it His way." All God gives you or me is TODAY. That's it. We make of it what we will. And NONE of us get's it perfectly every day.

So where do you want to begin in "setting things right" and forming a new marriage that WILL honor God?

Welder,

Be sure to try and keep posting while she is there to get some guidance perhaps on your day to day interactions if needed.

Maybe there are those here who could help in the process you two go through while she is there, and before she leaves again (if she does). Who knows might help, and can't hurt.

OK...I was thinking about where I need to be in this marriage and my personal life also...on my drive home from work today.

We both have in the past said to each other that our own personal lives and the marriage also was when we both were living to please god and do our best in pleasing him.

I know that the best that I have been also during this time was also when I was surrendering all of this to God.

Thanks all for caring...and I also know that I on my own must set these boundaries and if she leaves again....I must close the door.

Welder not necessarily close it, just make it a little bit harder to open...and this is the beauty of the Plan B letter.

I'm praying for you and I think she really needs you to be strong in all of this.

Why don't have her come here Welder...she would be welcomed with open arms. Perhaps she needs some strong support as well.

I'll suggest that....she sometimes just thinks others will want to beat up on her.

WB,

Wasn't your W here for a while about two years ago?

You know, there is a lot more going on with her than the state of your M.

I think you have given 110% already. It might be time to end her misery (and yours). Give her a D. It may not be what you want, but it's very much what she needs.

With prayers,

Welderboy, there's a place I could suggest where she won't get beat up. Email me at gcloud@earthlink.net

GC

Boy...what a memory Aphelion. Yes, she did post a little in the beginning. About whats going on...other than the M....heck I'm dazed and confused. Graycloud...thanks, emailing now.

As for what going on with her...maybe I can't see it from being in "this" so long...please enlighten me. Later....

It just that he let her back in the house already, so maybe... with a little help, this time. I don't know.

Keep posting through this Welder to get some guidance this time, as it seems like you stop looking for help until she leaves again.

a woman wants a man she respects...and a man she would respect would be one who puts their foot down...one who does NOT ALLOW HIMSELF TO BE DISRESPECTED...and one who has lovingtough boundaries in place.

yea, it's time to change the locks.

it's not a revolving door in a marriage. not at all. and you do not demand scraps from her either and sit there and be contect just because she's coming home either. that is also not a marriage. and a woman who's probably been continuing the affairs but just lying to you is probably the whole truth welder.

my xh's parents are just like this. My xfil has had numerous affairs on her. numerous. One was particularly indisious and happened during the time MY husband was cheating. He had an affair right under the nose of his wife...in fact on their same property (large bit of acreage). slept with ow on same property but a bit down the road in another building...for years! three to be exact I think? after d day happened, my xfil and mil immediately that weekend to their NEW CHURCH...and my xfil was rebaptized. Maybe within a week to two after a three year affair was revealed. sorry to say this, but I SAW A FAKE REPENTANCE THERE...I remember sitting in the church..my xh (then H) was pacing outside of the sanctuary as he felt so GUILTY B/C HE COULD NOT COME IN HOUSE OF GOD B/C HE WAS DOING THE SAME SIN AS HIS DAD.....I remember sitting there and thinking that this is the stupidest stunt imaginable. that it is NOT real and this man is only doing it as his W has a marriage of thirty five plus years on it and she'd take him to cleaners in divorce.

so welder, don't think sitting in a pew or making a promise at church is something to gauge your marriage on...FAITH IS LIVED DAY BY DAY MINUTE BY MINUTE...not in walking into and out of a building. not at all.

she is a WW. say it loudly to yourself...MY WIFE IS A WW.

and get it!

and do something about it!

I suggest plan B immediately with the 180 list included in there to make yourself more attractive. these are the only things that worked with my xwh. but after so long of his wwaffling and false recoveries, I walked out finally for good and filed.

just being honest.

you'll never recover if you keep doing the same thing youre doing over and over....

my favorite quote, whom I've emailed over and over and over to another MB guy here who's letting his wife do same thing? here's the verse:

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the OUTCOME TO BE DIFFERENT."

a dude named Einstein said it btw.

now what are you doing now that is different from before? I ask you that honestly.

NOW THAT YOU THINK OF IT...DON'T TALK ABOUT IT...POST TO US ABOUT HOW YOU'RE GONNA DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY FRIEND!

praying and wishing you the best.

we're not bashing you...not at all...we're giving you a tough love hug !