Last week when I thought you had called into Dr. Harley, he commented on this very thing. He told the H to not be surprised if the IC counseled his W to ask for a divorce so she could carry on her affair.

He said that most IC's counsel in favor of the individual's personal interests at the EXPENSE of the MARRIAGE and are not helpful AT ALL to marriages.

ML - Thanks for the comments. I hope she is in a fog - I want her to be like she was.

I am alarmed by your comments about her IC. I have actually met with her IC a few times too (3 times before the A and 1 time right after dday). I think she does MC too - she's not our MC, however.

I really don't think she is telling her to leave the marriage so she can have the A. I do think, however, that she has told her to quit acting like an adolescent and sneaking around. If she is going to do it, at least be honest about it.

I know she has discouraged the EA at least to a certain extent. Told my W not to feed it and said "let's take a look at this OM. Here you have a married man who is cheating on his W....". IC knew about A long before I did.

IC thinks my W has a problem making decisions. Likes to have others make decisions for her (not sure I agree).

Based purely on timing, I do think IC told her to make the list of pros cons to leaving me.

The IC also told my W that if we separated, she thought W would end up missing me and we'd end up back together.

IC also tells my W she is full of anger at, among other things, how she has been treated by me over past 15 years.

I worry that IC is sort of stirring this up - but maybe it needs to be stirred up for her to be happy.

Of course, 90% of this is based on what my W tells me - so who knows what is really true.

19, sorry if I alarmed you. It's something you need to be cognizant of, but if there is not a problem, there is no need to borrow trouble or worry needlessly. You have much bigger sticks in the fire right now. Just be wary and listen to closely to what is going on over there.

Thanks. You can alarm me anytime - I am pretty alarmed in general right now, so it doesn't make it any worse. I need to consider all aspects / angles, which can be hard sometimes when you feel like I do right now.

OK, ML and others - I am going to expose tomorrow (Wed) if I can arrange it schedule-wise - please tell me I am doing the right thing -

no real reason for doing it now and not in a few days, just tired of it all -

encouragement would be much appreciated -

thank you.

P.S. I know I am copying this post in several threads - I really need to hear from some folks - thanks

If your W is showing no signs of withdrawal, I must say the A is continuing. If the A is continuing, you have EVERY right to set boundaries about what is acceptable to you and what is not. My only caution to you about exposure is that we recently exposed to (I am the FWW) the OMW, and the effect was that the OM decided since both spouses knew, we could be together. He completely missed the point so just exercise some caution in that depending upon your desired outcome.

19, you are doing the right thing, let me assure you. The OMW will probably be extremely grateful and this will kill the affair. I would just be prepared for some anger from her and don't allow her to bait you into a fight.

I would also ask her to send the OM a no contact letter. This is done as a good will gesture to you and is the first step in rebuilding trust.

Please rethink telling her yourself. Give it a day for her to find out and then if she doesn't tell you, you can tell her.

19, you will do great. What you are doing will greatly benefit TWO marriages in the long term. This will give your marriage a chance to RECOVER. You are a brave man, 19 and we will be here for you.

sfjaj - as a FWW, what did it mean to you when OM took that position?

I have worried about that - but I'll expose anyway - if that's what she wants, let her have it - she'll regret it one day and it will serve her right - I can't go into details, but OM is not what she wants long term.

And I think there has been little to no withdrawal - of course, it was "only" a short term EA - she claims it was no big deal at all - but she lies -

In my weaker days, before I had committed to my M and NC, it may have meant that I would have had a VERY difficult time breaking off the A. I'm ashamed to admit that I might have left to be with the OM. My withdrawal from the OM has been very intense, but I am committed to NC. This is why I say your W has not committed to breaking off the A or some withdrawal should be obvious. Unlike your W, I admitted to my H that the A had meant a great deal, and I also had to admit to him that my OC was the OM. So my circumstances are slightly different.

You must decide first and foremost, what will be helpful for your own individual healing. You cannot force your W into NC, but you CAN make very clear acceptable boundaries. Do not accept anything short of NC; it is only from there that your M can heal. I am not saying exposure is NOT the answer, but just examine your motives and what is healthiest in your own healing journey right now.

what's "OC" -

NC is all I can handle - I'd rather be divorced -

don't know if you read my story, but I see the SOB almost every Sunday at church - I can't live like that -

So, I need OM's W looking too - I can't see it all - and if NC is not the rule, then I'll divorce her

She'll regret it one day - and I probably will too, but that's the way it is I guess.

Thanks for your guidance.

19, don't worry about your "motives;" busting up the affair and warning the OMW is "motive" enough. Anything beyond that is irrelevant and does not supercede the need to be exposed.

Don't let wild fears distract you from exposing. Pretty much we have covered the most likely ones. If there is any contact frm the OM, it will be a last gasp effort and nothing more. He doesn't want to lose his marriage anymore than your wife.

So just stay focused and don't get distracted, 19. You will do fine. I agree taht it is a good idea to call her mother. I am going to guess that the exposure to the OWH and her mother will kill the affair.

By the way, while maybe you should be "ashamed" (and I don't mean that in a bad way at all), at least you managed to pull out of it and got back to what's important -

No one is perfect - people make mistakes and do crappy things - the most important thing is to recognize it and try to fix it and you have done that - that's great and you shouldn't be ashamed. If my W felt that way, I might not have to do what I do have to do ...

19, again your posts have touched me. Thank you for your honesty. Your heart is in the right place. The most important thing -- much more important than exposure, the M -- is your own healing and growth. Focus upon yourself and what you need right now

sfjaj - Thanks. Of course, what I really want right now is to have my family be the way it was a few months ago - but better. Unfortunately, that is what I need and I will never be able to get that back - no matter what happens going forward.