One minute at a time is a great place.

Have you had a chance to tell your husband yet? Let me tell you - if you are waiting for the right time...there is no right time. Do it on an evening once the kids are in bed...and take a deep breath and ask God for the strength...if you have to - write a letter to him, and give it to him and be there as he reads it...keep God in your heart....

Your h will help keep NC with you - trust me...it's a huge motivation. I am not saying you havent' let OM go - but any contact at all will set you back to day one over and over...I am saying this for your OWN protection.

There is a book called Torn Asunder that will help you and your husband, along side Surviving An Affair - the Harley's book.

You wont figure out WHY you had an affair in one day...It took me almost a year...and my reason changed alot as I explored different routes. I was determined to never let this happen again.

SD67 - your story is soo eerie to me. All your feelings you are having, the things you say - it is me 15 months ago - dead serious - you are one of the FIRST FWW's I have seen on here that I can read and 100% say WOW that was me. I mean - I have a common thread with all FWW's - during my affair I said and did some nasty things...but i never wanted to leave my husband - he was #1...and I told Om htat too.

The hardest thing I had to accept was that as much as I said that - Husband was NOT #1 in my life....I (ME) was #1...and I didn't care that I hurt my husband.

Roads to look down for you - look into codependency...look into coping skills (did anything major happen in your life before meeting OM) look into your communication skills (you may think they are good - but they may not be as good as you have always thought they were)

If you are Christian - there is a great workbook out there called the Self Confident Woman...it's a tough book to get through - but it's good...or it was for me...

BEFORE you can do any of this though - you need to tell your husband...and if OM had a wife - she needs to know as well.

Only THEN can you start true recovery and true recovery can bring your REAL change and HAPPINESS! But it takes alot of sweat and pain to get there....

Dorry - I feel the same way as you do -we have A LOT in common. The way we acted and thought throughout our A's.

You are a blessing to me! Just knowing you are out there for me - you have no idea how much it means.

I am working on a plan, but will disclose soon.

Funny you mention co-dependency, my therapist also asked me to read up on that.

sadandconfused, MC and IC is always a good idea so you can figure out why you chose the path of an A...good for you! It sounds as though you are on the right path. I could really relate to minute by minute!

I see you are getting quite beat up on other posts. I'm sorry! Being a FWW I feel I am harsh enough with my inner thoughts to myself, I don't need anyone else beating me up!

We are all here trying to heal our marriages - no matter how we got here, we're all in the same boat.

As a newcomer here, I appreciate your inputs.

Thank you.

sC67 - we aren't beating up sfjaj she really wants to try this her way and that's fine...but most of us FWW's have all tried it our way and nothing has changed. As uncomfrotable as change and inner digging is...and as painful as it is - it's the MB way and it really works - it really really really really does....so many of us FWW's can claim to that. But it takes energy, pain and alot of work...the rewards are amazing though - the marriage you really wanted...even for those who's husbands aaren't on board for change the MB way - like mine...

Definately find a PRO marriage Marriage Councellor - if you can afford the Harley's they are great...and find an IC who is ALSO pro marriage but whom your comfortable with. It's okay to shop around, or try a few ou to see.

As I said before...I lied to my husband for a month after I was caught about the nature of my affair...He always knew it was something more...he couldn't RECOVER properly as he ALWAYS knew I was hiding something...start with telling him...and go from there, day by day, minute by minute..

It gets worse, it gets better...but what kept me going was that I never wanted my children to learn subconciously what ever was in me that allowed me to do it. You wont figure this out fast...but you can change! people can change! BUT you can only CHANGE yourself...you can't change what you did, you can't change your husband...but you can change you! Especially with God's help!

you can email me anytime (you too sfjaj as much as you may think we are against you) candice.louise@gmail.com

sadandconfused, you are correct. Many here are very judgmental and not actually interested in being helpful. But, once you wade beyond the self-righteous attitudes, there is helpful advice in some of the links. I, for one, understand your situation and believe that there is more than one pathway to healing in a M. Of course, an A has to be over first, but, beyond that, we should be encouraging to one another. I am beginning another thread to another WS who is having difficulty. Please feel free to post there...

Getting beat up? I see it quite differently. I see sfjaj as being quite fortunate, actually, to receive the attention and advice she is getting.

I think that the more responses I get to my thread, the more opportunity there is for healing and growth for me, if I choose to open myself up to listening, absorbing, practicing, and mastering what others are telling me.

Take into consideration that every single FWS has been in your shoes, and they understand your position. Their "thwacks" or born out of a desire to nudge you along because most of them didn't get it perfectly when they began. It's that desire to not have others repeat the same mistakes they've made.

There very well may be more than one way to Recover. There may not be. That point seems irrelevant to me. If someone is offering you a clear path based on true experience, why would you want to bumble around, figuring it out for yourself?

What's that old saying...something about "If you want to be a millionaire - do what a millionaire does" (or something like that)?

If you are a FWS wanting to Recover your marriage - do what other FWS's who have Recovered marriages have done.

good advice. the bottom line is that you have to read the various experiences and opinions and decide what will work best for your situation. Each situation is a bit different and, thus, may require different approaches

No, I don't think I made myself clear. The point at which one can begin to grow will be the precise moment when one realizes that their way just isn't working - it hasn't worked for them in the past, it's not working now, and it's time to learn new ways. The best place to learn them is from someone whose been there and made it to the other side.

There is no "other side." It is a vast continuum, and we are all working our way there

Sure, growing is always a process.

There is another side to Recovery. I've seen it.

I've seen marriages who are not Recovered, those in the process of Recovering, and those who have Recovered from infidelity.

we agree

Everyone just take a deep breath - please!

We've all done the NC letter, stopped contact with OP, and working on a disclosure plan (I am)...so I am making progress and am on the right path.

Stop the angry words - makes me not want to come back here. And I need support!

God Bless everyone that has been affected by this ugly monster called infidelity.

sorry sadandconfused. I am very happy for you, that things are beginning the recovery road. I, for one, am here to support you!

S&C,

Good for you. Hang in there. You have some good advisers here. Dorry, Faithful Follower, Frozen and Just Learning are among the best in the biz, so to speak.

When I first came here, I was in a similar position as you, in that I had cheated, the affair was over, but I was struggling with whether to tell my H, and how to go about it.

It is good that you are working on a disclosure plan, but I would encourage you not to drag your feet. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. And if you wait until you have all the answers -- why you did it, the Q's you have about your conflicting views of sex with OM and H, etc -- it could take years.

Glad to see you're making progress.

--SC

Thanks SC - the words of encouragement mean more than you know.

I know, I probably am dragging my feet on this but I also know me and I'm not backing down. I just want to feel that I have my "plan" under my belt - before the war begins!

Oh my poor, beautiful, children.

Minute by minute....