Not sure this is something I want to do, but wife seems dead set on eventually leaving. Should that occur, I want to make it known to our kids what actually happened. At least to the oldest one, our DD who is 10.

I'm not sure she'll understand, and the thought of doing it makes me sick to my stomach. On top of it, I will be letting my WW do the explaining on her part should this become necessary.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

FN

You know what? Kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with LIES. They need to know what is going on in their life so they can DEAL WITH IT. If you won't tell them the truth, they grow up believing lies about themselves and their parents in a swamp of moral confusion. If they know the truth, they can receive the guidance they need.

What a great opportunity to teach children that people make mistakes and learn from them. It is also a great opportunity for kids to learn right from wrong and recieve moral guidance from their parents.

My parents LIED AND LIED to me, from the time I was 4, about my fathers affairs. I grew up thinking that it must be OK to screw around with other women because no one told me otherwise.

What seemed clearly wrong to ME, was apparently NOT WRONG to adults. Which tld me that I must be a STUPID GIRL whose instincts about right and wrong were quite impaired. This caused enormous self doubt in me as a child that caused great confusion well into my adult years. I SOO wish that my parents were not moral cowards and that they would have used my parents very obvious moral failings to teach me right from wrong.

Dr. Harley believes that children should ALWAYS be told so that they understand what is going on and so that they can see and understand the damage from adultery so they don't grow up and do it themselves. He said learning of his own fathers adultery when he was a child was a PROFOUND LIFE lesson that has stayed with him his entire life.

FourthNail,

I don't have children, and I may be totally off the mark but, IMHO they should be made aware of the horrible situation your WW's affaire is creating. Children are impacted and I believe they should not be giving in to their mother's rationalisations.

As a 14y.o. my father presented us to his affaire partner and boy, when I found out what that woman was doing to our family and to my mother, he couldn’t get me to be nice to the (&??$*%) lady.

It did disturb me a lot but my parents got threw it and are still together now (in their 70s).

Let the light shine on the affaire for even your children to see. This is a major threat to your family.


DLK21

I absolutely concur. I grew up with lies as well - and I knew I was being lied to, but I continued to be left "in the dark" to wonder and assume what was going on.

Well, last night after my WH refused NC, I told him he needed to tell our boys (13 and 17) about the A so they would know he was choosing OW over me. He at first refused, then later talked to the boys on his own to keep me from "holding it over his head." I have not talked to them yet - I don't know exactly what he told them - but I'm glad they know. I don't want them making the same mistakes someday, and I don't want to tiptoe around the truth pretending things are not what they seem. Things are HORRIBLE right now, and they need to know the truth about why.

My son was 5 @ d/d. He said: 'mom, you know kids don't like to be lied to.'

So believe it, our children need to know we (the faithful parent) will not lie to them like they see the WS lying. Our children are smart. Don't underestimate their intelligence.

Be honest, reassure her of your love and that you will not leave her. Ask her to be your support and you hers. Let her know whatever you do will be as a family, a team.

Give her lots of hugs.

take care,
L.

You always give age appropriate information. Information for a 4 year old is going to be different from information for a 17 year old. You tell them what you know they can understand and absorb.

I would definitely talk to them, because your H most likely told them a lie. You will have to correct that lie and give them some moral guidance. I think its a good idea for the betrayed spouse to do the telling instead of the fogged out, irrational WS.

Okay--so what do you tell a four year old? I have three little ones--the oldest is 4. When WH left, I said daddy was going to have his own house and mommy had her house right now.

Wh is totally about himself, and right now I think if i say your daddy lives with another woman and has chosen her over our family, that would make WH tell my son lies about me. He doesn't have the boy's best interests in mind by far.

I will NEVER let my boys think that having an A is okay, just not just quite sure what to tell them about WHY he left right now. I am not trying to lie to them--just wait until they can understand and until my WH is a little more grounded and won't put them in the middle.

Has he been introduced to the OW?

I also don't have any children but I do have a WS.I agree with Mel. If he said he told them about the OW, he lied.

For your own protection and that of your children believe nothing of what he says and only 50% of what you see with your own eyes.

Agree 100%.

What I'd tell a 4 year old? I would say this: [Child's name], I love you very much. I love our family very much. Right now Daddy is confused and is living with [Name of other woman if children have met her, or simply "another woman"]. He is still your daddy and will always be your daddy... (and if this is true, I would add) and he loves you very much. I want Daddy to come home and I know you do, too.

Is there anything you'd like to ask me? You can talk to me about this anytime you want.

And if you're a praying family, I would add: Let's tell Jesus [God, Higher Power] that we want Daddy to come home. And then I would add that into your nightly prayers.

And... if the child has questions that you can't answer, I would have them talk to Daddy directly. Also, I'd let them know it's okay to cry, and be angry or confused. You can say that you do that, too.

As an aside, when I was the WS, I told my [teenaged at the time] kids myself. I thought that was best. If more WS's did this, it might help to end the affairs earlier. Talk about shame. Look into your kids eyes and tell them you betrayed their other parent. Nothing like it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hope I am not threadjacking here--just trying to see what everyone says. FOurth Nail has a 4yr old, too, so I thought we could both value from that question.

WH introduced them to her as far back as October, and once I knew of the affair, I told him there would be legal reprocussions if he brought them around her before the D was final. I think they have seen her once since then for a brief moment. They refer to her as Mrs. Tiffany and she is daddy's friend from school.

Agree very much with newbeginning's version. The only thing I would add is this:

"when a man and woman are married they are not supposed to be with other people. This is a bad thing to do. It is called adultery. Daddy is not a bad man, but is doing a bad thing that is very hurtful to me and our family."

Be sure and validate to your child that you know right from wrong. Children instinctively understand this is wrong and become very confused when this is not validated by adults. This is what causes moral confusion.

TELL HIM. He probably senses this is wrong and is wondering why you don't say anything. This is what happened to me when I was 4.

I think the kids need to be told what is happening . . . in an age-appropriate manner. For young kids I would say something like "Daddy has a girlfriend. Married men aren't supposed to have girlfriends. This hurts Mom very much and is causing problems in our marriage. As long as Daddy has a girlfriend Mommy can't live with him." Then I would assure the child that this isn't his/her fault and that she is loved very much . . . regardless of what happens.

For older kids I would be much less obtuse. I would say your father refuses to stop shagging his mistress. Married people aren't supposed to have mistresses . . . and I won't even consider living with him until he stops this terrible behavior. . . or something like that.

Treat kids how you would like to be treated. Most adults don't like to be lied to; most kids don't either.

JMO.

Can't believe I forgot to add something like that, ML, and you are right, I think... a statement about WHY it's wrong is important.

Thank you all so very much. One thing I have worried about was appearing manipulative in wanting them to know. The last thing I want to do is use the kids as ammunition against my WW.

I'm no saint, I've had an addiction to P for over 20 years, something passed on from my dad that I've only recently come to terms with. I very much intend to explain to my kids that my behavior and involvement with it was just as wrong and caused many problems between us. Hopefully this will act as a catalyst and example to my WW to do the same.

The 10yo DD is going to be furious, she's a lot like me in that she wears her feelings on her sleeve. When my WW moved out last year for a few months, she absolutely hated her for it. That will not be a pretty site.

My 4yo DS is a little clueless right now. If it doesn't have Spiderman or Star Wars all over it, it'll be tough keeping his attention long enough to explain it.

Not meaning to hijack my own thread but I have another question as well for some of you who have had spouses with a P addiction. When we first got married, I informed my W of my addiction. We are both devout Christians and it was something I needed to do.

Since day one I have asked her for her prayers and help in overcoming it and for fourteen years got absolutely nothing. She never prayed and never considered offering any help to deal with it or overcome it. She used the cop-out that it was just something that guys did.

Well, lo and behold, I bring this up in counseling and the MC asks if I believed it to be a form of adultry as well, to which I vehemently agreed. At this point, the light came on and she all of a sudden used it to blame me for emotional abandonment and having an ongoing A with P for our entire marriage.

Funny how up until the point she had an A, my porblem was never enough to bother with, but the moment she gets in trouble, she did it BECAUSE of my problem.

How in the world do I handle THAT?

And yes, I am P free and have been since Thanksgiving. Do you know what kind of weight that is off the shoulders after 22 years of addiction? For we have overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony.


FN

I am not wanting to lie to him. What do you do when they are 4, and the WH will tell them, no I left because of how your mom treated me--that is why daddy isn't coming home. It is not that he can't understand the truth. I just know how works, and he will immediatley fly off the hammer and poison our boys with wrong info.

What if I say this--next time he mentions Miss Tiffany (and remember, our D will be final soon, and I am done working on it, so saying I wan daddy hoem too isn't appropriate now)--what if i say Miss Tiffany is daddy's girlfriend. It is wrong to have a girlfriend when you are still married to a mommy. Mommy and daddy aren't gonna be married anymore now. Daddy is making a mistake, but we both love you and your brothers, and will always be your mommy and daddy.

FN, if porn has broken up your marriage, then I would agree you might want to tell your OLDER kids. But what does it have to do with the situation at hand? This should not be turned into a grand confessional to little children, but an explanation about how an affair is effecting their lives. That is the POINT of telling the kids. This isn't intended to be a tit for tat to make the WS feel better.

The point is to INFORM them of the affair and explain how it is effecting their lives, not to burden them with a lifes worth of sins. They don't need to hear that crap.

I think its best that the BS break the news to the kids, so that they get the straight story. It would be disasterous for the kids to be plied with the same bullshi* and spin that we have come to know and expect from your average WS.

I know that you don't want to lie to your kids and I didn't mean to imply that . . . just making the statment that kids will probably resent you if they find out that your lie to them . . . especially about something so big as to the cause of breakup of their family.

Your X is going to say what he will to your kids and you really have no control over that. You can make sure that they have your version of what is happening. When they are older you can explain things in more detail.


Yep, that'll do.