Shortly after my Dday I had to go on a business trip. OM was still here at the time and I feared (probably correctly) that WW would run off to OM for SF frolics the moment I boarded my airplane. I took her and the family with me. Cost a few thousand dollars but probably well invested.

There are always alternatives. The two of you are just not thinking outside the box. What I did worked for me at that time. You might find a better solution. I don't know. But to say the trip is a fact is really not true.

About the mess of infidelity - they make it and we clean it up. Yes that is pretty much spot on.

Ok I finally got it.

It's all about me. I have to make the decision if I want to stay in this marriage or not.

I guess after all this time (yes I know, only 3 months since d-day) I am probably just stuck with this.

I really don't know if I want to live this life...

Right after d-day for a couple weeks I wanted to recover, I had no response from H. So I stop believing.

Then the anger stage, hate feelings and the realization that I'd probably be better on my own... and since then... I guess I am looking for reasons to rebuild this marriage.

Maybe I am just weak, maybe I fear the pain of recovery... or maybe I just can't forgive my self for taking him back after what he have done.

I need a self search and find what I really want.

As for the trip, I told him he's the one to decide.
He was upset and said we are in these together. I told him that before all these I always supported this trips, but HE changed everything, now, it's not up to me to decide. I don't want him to go. I know he "must" go, so, he decides what to do.

He said he doesn't want to go and leave me alone, but he has to go.

I feel relieved and happy he's going to be away for 10 days. I really need time alone.

Actually that is not true. You both have to make the decision individually. Even if you say yes and he says no, that is no.

Regardless of what H decides, forget about him for the moment. You have to decide what you want. What will make YOU happy? What can you live with?



I doubt that very much. That pain is far less than what you have already experienced. In my particular case, I feared the faluire of recovery more than anything else. The first few months WW and I walked a tightrope. When I thought things were going south, I felt pretty good. It was when things appeared to be going well that I got afraid. I was afraid of getting my hopes up just to be hurt yet again. I finally just decided to take the risk and accept whatever came.

That is where I am today. At risk of failure. When you have nothing to lose, you don't mind losing it. Very soon after Dday, you have little or nothing to lose. It has taken me 6 or 7 months after my Dday to finally be at peace with myself over this and we have not yet begun recovery. My suggestion is to give yourself more time for you - not for your H - for you.

So your husband can stand up to you - his wife - and refuse you but does not have the courage to stand up to his boss and tell him no. Who does he respect more? He created this mess - he must live with the consequences of his actions. Sorry but your husband is making a bad decision.

As for the trip, I would not let it get in the way of your decision. It really has no significance in the greater scheme of things. I am disappointed that he is going but then I am also disappointed he had an A. Oh well. Try to ignore this trip in your thought processes. Use this time to be quiet and be with yourself and decide what you would like to happen. Remember that wanting it doesn't mean that it would happen.

I remember one time not too long ago when WW and I effectively had a knife to each other's throat. We had a very serious conversation. This conversation could have easily ended our marriage right then and there. We did not trust each other for anything. It was time to make a decision. I asked her what she wanted. She didn't answer. She asked me what I wanted. I could have said anything. I did not want to let my guard down. I wanted to protect myself at all costs from any further hurt. What I said was that, if there was any way, I wanted to try to make the marriage work. I was willing to suffer any amount of pain to try to achieve that goal even though I knew in my heart that it is not what she wanted.

Many conversations are like fencing matches. Sometimes you just have to drop your sword and accept whatever comes. That is really hard to do. As a BS you are really hurt and the scar tissue that develops you want to protect. I know it is a tough time. Do you still love your husband? That is the most important question.

I was just trying to remember how I felt three months after my Dday. About that time we were getting ready to go to Mexico for vacation. The first part of the month was not too good but we got better. I was in a fairly good mood. We boarded the plane in Dammam and as we sat down, I have no idea what came over me. I looked over at WW and told her that I simply could not be married to her any more. I wanted a divorce as soon as we got to Mexico. I was convinced. Mind made up. Over. Done. I have no idea what brought that on but it just seemed so definite and final. Well, we didn't get divorced and here we are three months later doing much better.

U R not ready to step off that roller coaster yet....you think you are and you want to but I believe you won't because you are not ready to yet. Is your mind and heart really in sync?

L.

Quote:
Actually that is not true. You both have to make the decision individually. Even if you say yes and he says no, that is no.
___________________

Yes,I understand that. H says he wants this marriage. What I ment was that I was convinced I was working on recovery but I found that deep inside I haven't made that decision yet.



I can identify myself with the fear from the failure of recovery. Again I know myself, and I am not good at living at risk.



Quote:
Do you still love your husband? That is the most important question
___________________

I really don't know the answer.
I think so, the answer would be yes, but then I think... I loved the man he was before all this. I loved him deeply specially because of his sincerity, honesty and even thou someone hard to live with, but a VERY dedicated Husband. Now that he have lost it... there's not much left to love.

I guess I do love him enough to try recovery... but do I have the strengh to live in doubt? To live this kind of life?

I really need a self search and time for myself.

Orchid, I guess you're right heart and mind not in sync.
My heart is hurt and hopeless, in fear.
My mind... desperately trying to rationalize...

It sounds to me like you have enough doubt that you need to keep going. I was at that stage a few months after Dday. I had days or weeks where I was almost convinced it was over but it was the "almost" that kept me from pulling the plug. I think it is okay to continue to Plan A and try to R even if you are not completely sold. Many times the WS will do things during that time to help convince you one way or the other.

Until you are absolutely sure that the M is over and finished, I suggest you need to keep trying. Otherwise you will never really know for sure. You can divorce any time. You can really only recover the marriage now. yes it is possible to get back together after divorce and there are cases but the odds are not in your favor.

Tracionado, Thanks for your words. They are indeed encoraging.

You help me make me see that since that day (6 weeks ago?) that I realized I might be better on my own, when the anger phase begun that I left plan A behind.

I think you are right, I have to restart plan A and really dedicate myself to it.

Very hard tho... as I think I'll need to fake the way I feel for him.

But you're right, D is always an option.

Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My first three months were miserable and month four was rather lethargic. Month five was a Mexican stand off and month six/seven is beginning to resemble life again.

I promise you I was ready to end it with my WW at least 6 different times during those first few months. Told her that, packed her bags, etc. Now I am glad I didn't. I have no idea whether we will R or not but it is only now that I believe we have the first real opportunity to even make the attempt. The first few months we were each dealing with our own demons individually. Only now are we BEGINNING to work together at this thing.

I understand your feelings. What you need to understand is that they are ONLY feelings. Just don't forget that.

Remember that time heals all wounds and time wounds all heels.

If your WH says he wants to commit to the marriage, you are light-years ahead of my sitch. it is okay to have doubts. I recommend you don't share those openly with your WH all the time (title of thread). Remember he may have doubts too and may feel guilt now or later. If he thinks he has hurt you and you continue to hurt, he might decide to leave just to ease your pain. This is fresh for both of you and you both have a lot of exposed nerves and are very sensitive. I lied a lot to WW. I told her I was committed even at times I was not. I think that sometimes that is all that kept her going. Don't know for sure but I believe it. I do know one day I just said I was unhappy. She later told me she almost packed her bags that very day. That comment was enough to kill her hopes.

Ok. Let's face it, Betrayal sucks. Every person who is betrayed is going to be "unhappy". What does a 'inactive' wayward spouse expect. Not very realistic to expect anything other than a lot of unhappiness. I guess that's the trouble with Plan A. You spend a lot of time getting happy about the smallest blessings, you have your self after all. Then the wayward one decides, hey, I want that. And they are lured back into a disengenuous relationship right from the start. Looks a lot like the fantasy affair, to me. Scratch the surface and it's something else altogether.

Maybe you can tell yourself you're this is about winning a battle and rescuing the prince. All's fair in love and war, they say.

By the way I'm nearly two years away from D-Day and my husband is more devoted to me than he's ever been. And he's been magical in the past before the A, so that's saying quite a lot. Maybe I'm waiting for the shoe to drop.

We look recovered; why don't I feel that way? Maybe I spend too much time in the gloom and doom of the MB dungeons.

fantastigrl,

Your post reads strangely.



Since I have not yet really begun R, I don't know what to expect. In fact, for a few weeks I wanted to D because I felt I could not even grasp the concept of what R truly was. I still can't. I do know that what I knew of M is over forever. I do believe that I can have a new relationship with WW and that it will be as genuine as the first one. how that relationship will manifest itself and whether it will truly make me happy are yet to be determined.

Two years past Dday, devoted husband? Are you a glass half empty person? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Actually, no, but thanks for asking.

I get more cynical every time I come here to GQII and to a lesser degree to Recovery, my usual poison.

If you read through my historical posts you'll see I'm a very hopeful definitely grateful for the half glass kind of girl.

sorry my post reads strangely, but it's not surprising considering the source.

Do you mean me or you?

the source of my post would be -- me.

(I didn't expect that to be tricky.)

It was semantics that got me. When I said the way your post was "read", I was the one reading so naturally "consider the source" could have implied me. I should have said your post was written strangely but I felt that was kind of a DJ.

I haven't read your historical threads and I probably will so please don't be angry that I don't know your story but I get the impression you are not happy with recovery. I am asking because I am still facing that issue and still have my doubts. If you feel like sharing, I would like to understand your experience.

Warning!! Warning!! Danger Will Robinson!

I'm severely depressed. I just started taking Effexor. I have a history of untreated depression, my mother committed suicide after her affair and in a deep depression. The A has toppled me.

I was the strong and mighty. Self-taught, I made a successful career change into Information Technology, after a successful career making $17 an hour as an executive secretary. I also never smoked or did drugs, did a good stint in the USAF. When I was 34 I had a personal crisis/depression that coincided with outliving my mother. My husband couldn't take it, and told me to get out. I moved in with a girlfriend and moonlighted by getting a job as an exotic dancer in a top gentleman's club in a large city. Hubby counted the days and brought me home after 96 days. Shortly after that my niece moved in with us, and she had a cocaine habit, I tried to help, but instead developed my own coke habit, I'm recovering with 8 years clean, quit cold turkey with no outside support system -- no NA, no AA, no whatever; just me and my willpower. So my experience is all my own.

I went back to school to study law and that's when my husband took up with his old friends who had a history of trying to break us up years ago. He started meeting the other woman at the house of those friends.

It still hurts to talk about it, I don't like to rehash it.

H turned on a dime and as fast as he turned against me, he was back on my side. Friends were ejected. MC, IC, and the Harley Basic Concepts adopted, Hubby worked hard and is a "true believer" in Harley Basic Concepts.

D-Day was August 26 2004. Maybe I'm in my last gasp before True Recovery. There's always hope right?

I had a 3.89 GPA. the last two semesters I've failed nearly every course, and recently my doctor strongly suggested I take a medical leave of absence. i did. I'm spiraling down. Let that be a lesson to you: Stay strong.

Do you think there is anything about the R that is getting you depressed or is it life in general? I have not tried Effexor but I remember that is one of the drugs that dewt said he had some issues with. Honestly I cannot tell my AD is really working. I am thinking of mainlining it to see if it makes a difference.

I think you are an over-achiever.

SUCCESSFUL career in IT
EXECUTIVE secretary
TOP gentlemen's club
studying LAW

Wow! You have done quite a lot. You have more courage than me. Good for you.

Well I really couldn't figure it out. I should be ecstatic with the way the marriage and recovery are going.

Hubby went to buy a new cordless drill and went to the grocery store un-asked, and brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers: "Happy Sunday". We watched The Chronicles of Narnia, "don't speak of the betrayal" -Aslan the Lion.

And it's all good. I don't need to talk of it.

But talking to you, I'm thinking my downward spiral is in my disappointment with my self. I'm pissed I can't handle it better. I'm mad that the betrayal got the better of me. Who am I? Who is this "80-lb weakling"? Where is that person who could beat the odds no matter what? I hate the sad weak loser I have become.

Coincidentally WW, DDs and I watched Narnia last night too. DD2 didn't make it to the end though.

The flowers should not have upset you so I am guessing it is the cordless drill. I have to sneak new tools into the house. That is just more proof that hubby is being totally honest with you.

Why should you be disappointed in yourself? Nobody should have to suffer what you suffered. You have nothing to feel bad about. Do you really weight 80 lbs? My sister was anorexic and got down to 67 lbs and she is about 5'5". I still have that mental image.

You sound angry. If you are angry, be angry. What are you angry about? What makes you really mad? For me, it is putting on socks. I absolutely hate to put on socks. I wear over-the-calf socks and I can only buy what I like on my infrequent trips to the USA. In the interim, the elastic gets hard and they don't stretch too much. I really fight to take socks on and off si I have an activity twice a day that really makes me angry. Worse yet is that quite often I pull holes in my socks, I throw them in the trash and WW pulls them out, washes them and puts them back in my drawer. She is an enabler.