lost - Sorry to hear all of that. I hope things go OK when your H gets back. MY w is out of town for a few days right now and it is nice.

I don't know what to tell you about Plan B. In all honesty, it does not seem to me that it's time for Plan B, but I don't know. Others on here know more than I do.

As you may recall from my story, similar things have happened to me. When they did, of course, I always found there was contact, so I am suspicious like you.

I wish I had advice for you, but I just don't know enough about any of this to advise anyone.

Hang in there and keep us informed.

This might be a good idea... what do you think ?

so sorry this is happening to you.

carnation

I was doing okay with your thread until that one long post about your WH not wanting his kids. That was way out of the context of your thread. I swear I thought a different person had written it. In light of that post, I have to ask you to consider why you want R. You really need to make the decision as to what is best for you and your family. Okay enough of that.

I said before to forget the trip. Forget the trip. Assuming you want R, My plan for this would be to go back and do my best Plan A. I would assume that there was the possibility that the A was still going on. I would do my best not to dwell on that thought and continue with Plan A. The reason I say this is that time changes a lot of things - either for better or for worse. From what you have said, it doesn't sound like WH is yet ready to want to try to understand your needs. Either the A is going on and he is still hiding it, he feels guilty about the A and wants to forget it, he is a hearltess person who has no feelings whatsoever or another option I can't think of. But it doesn't matter because whatever the cause, he is not doing what you want him to do.

I found things in my house. I found little ribbons my DDs got from completing tests in their swimming classes, for example. I burned them. I went through all my digital photos and videos of swimming lessons. I erased all evidence of OM. All of those things were and are triggers for me. I would be upset about the photos. Barbeque lighter fluid and a match is very soothing. I highly recommend it.

If you really want R, pretend that today is Dday and start from now on your Plan. The trip is over and done. It doesn't matter what WH did or did not do. He is a WH and you already know that. Nothing that could have happened on that trip has any importance. A 10 day trip for a two day meeting and 8 days of sightseeing. Must be a great city.

You cannot make your WH a FWH. Only he can do that. Give him time to decide if that is what he wants to be and yourself time to decide if that is who you want to be with.

From my POV, you are wasting time and effort on trying to convince yourself that WH has changed and you can believe him. In other words, you are trying to re-establish trust. IMO, trust is the last thing to be restored - not the first. Forget about trying to trust WH and just accept the fact that, for the time being, he simply cannot be trusted. Go back to the analogy of the drug addict child. You love your child but you still make him take periodic urine tests. You can love someone without trusting them. If that were not the case, no marriage would ever survive an affair.

Put your efforts where they will get the most benefit and forget about trust.

19, You are right not the time for plan B yet.

Thank you T.

He did blamed the girls in an atempt to justify his behave soon after d-day, but later on when I adressed the issue he said he also realized, as soon as he said it how stupid he was. He was a loving and proud father until he had his first ONS. So, for the past two years he have been growing appart from them, not only from guilt but also because of his demading working hours. Not trying to defend him, just clarifying, because he was a good father for 10 years, and I believe most of this was "fog"talk.

This trip was for him to report some games and he has been with the team in all tours they had included in that trip.

The OW n2 wasn't there, that's what he says, I also haven't read any news written by her on the subject, so it migh be true. But as you say T, I do forget the trip... just another wound to treat with time.

You are so right about the trust issue. As always your advice has been very good and I am really following it. I can tell you just how many times during the day I have to remind myself of your words and stick to them.

Anyway, how did it go.

H returned a different person with a different attitude. We're talking, he's accepting his mistakes, he's trying to be the father he was before his affairs, he ordered Harley's books and have been reading this site. He wants to start Recovery and focus on the future. He says he knows he haven't been acting like I expected him for the past few months because he feels so guilty and stupid for all he had done.

I am taking it slowly. I guess we are starting Recovery, or at least preparing for it.

There's still much more to talk about.

He has been like he's old him the past few days with the girls.

I am positive, but not too excited. Let's see how it goes.

I am still too disapointed with him. And not so sure R is the best option, but only time can tell the that.

The only thing I would suggest you be careful of is that you be aware that you are not off the roller coaster yet. You are on a different one with all new loops and turns. That isn't bad so don't worry. I guess what concerns me is when you are positive.



I think that is probably the wisest thing you could have said. Maybe you need to write that and stick it on the fridge to keep reminding yourself you said it.

You need to be positive because, if you are not, WH can easily get discouraged just by your attitude. Be aware that you yourself will also likely have dark moods. Anger will appear for no reason. Depression returns unexpectedly. When those things happen, talk about them. Talk about them here for support and talk about them to WH. Don't hide your feelings. You have to be honest too.

As I have said before, don't trust WH right now. You don't need to. It won't preclude you from recovery. WH needs to earn your trust. He has a responsibility. If he does win that back in time, this will mean a lot to your marriage IMO.

And it doesn't matter if OW was on that trip or not. Your WH is home with you now. He wants to commit to the M and so do you. Look forward - not back. And be positive.

Thanks again for your supporting and wise words.

More then worried with his behave outside the house (I mean, I am not really into snooping, if he strais again I will find out soon or later and it will just be the end of our M, which right now doesn't feel like such a bad thing)

I am really much more concern on how he will act to recover his relationship with our daughters.

Well, after all it's all about how much effort we're going to put into meeting each other's needs.

I don't expect it to be a fast process, actually much was lost during the last 2 years, it's going to take time.
I fear myself, the way I am feeling (anger, hattred feelings) and knowing me pretty well... trust and honesty are my number one need.
I hope I will have the srtengh. My girls deserve it.

My love bank is pretty much empty.

How about you? Everything ok with Gamela and your girls?
Mine already have Game Boy advanced and Playstation 2... but been asking for PSP as well... is it worthed? Children day is comming (1 June here) and might be an option.

We have not gotten any console games because DDs already spend way too much time in front of TV. I got GBA for DD5. She selected it because it was a pretty color and her friend FooFoo has one. DD7 got the PSP. I think the PSP would be too complicated for DD5 but DD7 is sitting next to me and she just scored an eagle on Tiger Woods Golf so I guess she can handle it pretty well. She loves it and so do gemela and I. We need to buy two more for us adults. We got ours primarily for 20 hour airplane trips but the girls play with them pretty much every day.

I was hoping the PSP would be a hybrid device that would allow movies as well as games. It can technically do that to an extent but the problem, as always, is Sony. They insist on creating formats incompatible with everyone else so, to get into their DVD's would be an expense I can't justify. You can load a couple of movies in a 2GB memory stick but that is a lot of work.

Anyway, I love the PSP. It has a great UI and excellent graphics. I am not a follower of any particular games so licensing is not an issue. I don't feel I am "missing something" by having a Sony. I don't find the PSP useful for much other than gaming. Just too much work.

I did get the Arcos AV700 for movies and now that I have ripped a few DVD's, I use it daily for workouts. I have bought four different ripping softwares and, FWIW, I find that magicDVDripper is the best of the four (DVD cloner II, ImTOO DVD ripper, SuperDVDripper). magicDVDripper is the simplest and probably the fastest. ImTOO is pretty good but has caused some poor quality results. It takes about 40 minutes to an hour to rip a DVD and that is a lot of time to find later that you wasted.

Maybe the PSP is better at movies than I give it credit for. Since it has no internal HD, you are limited by what you can put on a 2GB memory stick. One other thing I have not tried but I am convinced that the PSP will do very well is to load up a bunch of digital photos that you can take for a family visit and show. 2GB qould hold quite a lot of photos. Both DDs have digital cameras and I plan to put all their digital photos on the PSP. I really don't have much need for nostril photos on my machine.

As far as the relationship with the girls goes, kids are pretty resilient. I think they will recover a lot faster than you will. Don't make him respond to them the way you think he should respond to them. If you don't like something, you can ask him why he responded the way he did. You can tell him how it makes you feel. But don't cross the line and try to dictate his behavior. Don't nag. The kids will teach him what they need. They are a lot tougher than you think.

Moving slowly.

H is trying not so hard to meet my needs. He's lazy and very selfish person. The last two years were all about him and relief him from his stress. He's not used to think about the others.

He's trying to spend more time with the girls. Started giving computer and internet class to elder daugther, wichi is very good and she's very happy.

Some times I feel were moving too slow and I wander if am not getting settled. This past few days have been vry dark for me. Suicidal thoughs and such, I know I'll never do such, the darkest thoughs emerge ;(

We're not comunicating much, he's been very busy at work and I've been very busy with my girls.

I still stick to the 'taking the risk" and I am finally realizing how hard it is to play the BS part on all this. I am trying to figh the anger, hatred and Affairs feelings and thoughs.

It's really hard for me to meet his needs as that's what our live was about during the past two years...(and for what? for him to be in affairs) because he was so stressed he needed all our support <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I feel guiltly I have even put him in front of my dear daughters needs at some point.

There's so much to rebuilt that it's just plain scary. But I am trying to be strong and stick to my decision of Recovery and dedicate myself to it. At least for an year.

Thanks for asking Piojitos

First let me just start this off by saying that I am sort of talking out loud. I don’t want to post this on my thread because I don’t really feel like I want to get any advice on it. Even so, by the fact that I am posting it, I still might get criticism. Fair enough. I will also say that I can’t say how long this is going to be. If it is too long, I am sorry in advance. It will end when I finish writing.

My situation is that I am in a stasis with my WW. Things don’t seem to be progressing but neither are they regressing. She may or may not be breaking NC but my belief is that she is not. I am not happy with my situation but neither am I angry. Am I complacent? Almost but not quite. Am I developing patience? Maybe. This is where I will get the most criticism. We will see.

As a BS getting my Dday, I was all over the map emotionally. I think I am now more settled out. I adopted MB principles, Plan A, POJA, etc. and wanted them firmly in place. I was continually upset by the fact that WW did not fall in line. She did not abide by the stories set forth in SAA. I gave up all the behaviors she had complained about and have maintained that. I have completely reshaped my life and I get almost nothing from her side in return. Okay her A is over but that is because I made it to be over. I got rid of OM. I forced NC. She has been that way for months. She is still heartsick over OM and has no remorse whatsoever. My HPV is the worst it has ever been. I am about to take a needle to myself and lance these things. I would do it but I have been told that is the worst mistake I could make. I mention the HPV because it is a constant physical reminder of my wife’s infidelity. And it is painful on all levels.

I started Plan A and trying to recover my marriage because…well because…well I don’t really know. I do know I loved my WW more than my own life. But now I recognize that that marriage is over and done. So why do I want to go on? I don’t know. It is definitely for my DD’s. But where does WW factor in? I don’t know. SAA says if you follow their principles and recover the marriage that you can have a marriage better than ever before. I am willing to bet that is true. I am betting on that actually by staying in the marriage. But what if you don’t have a better marriage? What if it is only a “good” marriage? Do you abandon the effort? I look around at my neighbors. I have no idea what goes on inside their walls. Maybe they all have fantastic marriages. It is more likely that they don’t – at least not all of them. I don’t believe that the people who come to MB and stay with MB are in the middle of the Boltzmann distribution. I think MB people are “extremists” in distribution terms. I am one of those.

Now what is my point you are asking. Well I am in a situation that may be similar to yours in practical terms. My WW is still here. She has not run off and yet she has not committed herself to the marriage. I believe she is waiting to decide to stay or go to see if she can get over the OM and then see if she changes her mind how she feels about me. That used to really bother me and frustrate me to anger on some days. I was doing everything and seeing little or no response in exchange. Now, for the moment, I just don’t care any more. Maybe that will change but, for the moment I am somewhat indifferent. Now where I am going to be criticized again is that I think I believe this is actually a good thing. It is good for a couple of reasons: 1) it gives my Plan A longer time to take effect and 2) it gives WW longer time to get over her A.

At the moment, I am not sure I want to remain married to WW. I might. I don’t know. This morning I was getting dressed and DD1 had climbed in bed with WW because DD1 is sick with fever. This woke up WW so I went over and laid down beside her and held her. She started talking to me and stroking me. I never looked at her. I looked at DD1 and smiled because DD1 was happy. I am not really happy in my marriage. But I am not really unhappy either. I like my WW well enough but I am not sure I still love her. I do believe that love can return – in time.

When authors write books, they compress time. They have to or we could never finish the book – much less fit it in our car. It would be too big. Between the time that Adam and Eve had Cain and Abel, I am sure a few years passed. I don’t think Eve just popped them out and then a few weeks later Cain slew Abel. So the Bible compresses time. If you read a biography of the life of say JFK, it would take you a few years to read it. So SAA compresses time but we BS’s don’t really capture that. We see a problem, Plan A/B adopted and poof – couple lives happily ever after. We want the same thing. We say it is so obvious in the book, why can’t WS see it and get with the program? What we don’t see is how much time it took to get to happily ever after.

I have taken the attitude that I am in a “dark Plan A”. I just like the way that sounds. I get a chuckle from posts about people saying they are going dark on Plan B. I felt Lemonman called me out a few days ago and I asked him what I thought was a fairly legitimate question and I hope that some day he has time to think about it and respond to it because I think that discussion will help you and me both. Keep an eye out for it. I am.

Sometimes I think to myself that I want to move on with my life. But then I ask myself where I would move on to. I live in freakin Saudi Arabia and probably will for the next few years. I don’t really want to get involved with any Saudi women because, while I can’t speak from personal experience, I am pretty sure I would not like flogging very much. I will never get involved with another married woman and cause her to have an affair. I would take a gun to my head first. So getting rid of WW is not going to free me up to find someone else. I don’t want to find someone else. I don’t think I will ever be involved with another woman ever again. Don’t know for sure but I am old enough that I think I can live without it. I am really lonely now even with a wife. The other day I made out a spreadsheet of pluses and minuses of wife versus full-time housemaid. I have to tell you that WW did not offer too many advantages over the maid. I did give WW a check mark for SF but the reality is that I don’t enjoy that any more anyway. I hate having sex with a woman who I know is in love with OM and has no connection with me.

I am not giving up on Plan A. I am probably doing better than ever on Plan A if the truth be told. But my Plan A is on autopilot. I have no objective other than to wait and see if things get better with time or they get worse. We don’t go to MC and WW stopped going to IC. I won’t force anything. Whatever happens – happens. I have not given up on recovery. If I had, I would already be seeking divorce. My WW is still very selfish. Everything is about her. I stopped catering to that. I think I may have posted in the Lemonman thread that WW said she wanted to get away from here (me) for a time. I said fine. Go ahead – just don’t come back. She shut up. I really feel like I am in a no-lose situation. If we recover our marriage, it will be a great marriage. If we don’t recover, I will be very happy and have a great life. Either way I win so I am not pushing for one or the other. Both sound equally good to me. SAA and Plan A have given me that. If I had not been following MB principles for these last 6 months, I would not be in this mindset. I would be a nervous wreck or dead. MB principles don’t necessarily always save marriages but I am willing to bet they save the BS. To heck with the unrepentant WS’s let em rot in Hades where they belong.

I guess my point is that your post reminds me of me a month or two ago. I would just recommend you be patient. You can’t force WH to do or be anything. You might eventually realize that you really don’t want to grow old with him. Or you might decide you can’t live without him. But you will make that decision without being clouded by the fog of a BS. As wrong as Lemonman is about every single thing, I do believe he is right about the BS fog. BTW I am joking about Lemonman being wrong about everything. I just need him to explain a little more about what happens between the “begatting” and the “slewing” (in Genesis) as it relates to a BS in Plan A.

I said at the beginning that I am just talking out loud. If I have a recommendation for you, it is try to remain positive and try to be patient. There is no quick fix. Your WH is a selfish person because affairs are selfish. That is a trait he needs to work on.

WOW

Thanks for the long post!

As always you really have a very, very good perspective. It makes sense. I believe your are right on everything.

You gave me food for the though tho, I need to think, which is very good.

Your advice always seams to give me sense of peace and a state of meditation.

No PSP for the girls for now, we decided on new bikes (kids grow too fast) they can enjoy them on the coming summer holidays (2,5 months). They already spend too much time with tv and video games.

Well DD1 and DD2 are fighting over the GBA so I am going into Khobar after work to get another one. That will leave WW and I to fight over the PSP. I plan on spending my weekend learning how to kill the giant lobsters before they eat me while I am trying to open the big door by turning the post (King King - official game of the movie). That is if I can keep WW off of Tiger Woods Golf.

I guess what I suggest is don't get discouraged. Your feelings are normal even if they don't seem that way. Men are hard to train anyway. We need more slack. Be patient and keep posting.

Oh I wanted to mention on the PSP. I have ripped 40 or 50 DVD's to AVI format and I wanted to try to put one on the PSP to see if I could play it. It took forever to get my PC to recognize the PSP on the USB port. I spent hours on that and finally got it sorted. Then I copied a movie over to the PSP and there is no way to play it. I spent about half a day trying every thing I could with no luck. I will try some music this weekend just to see if I can get that to work but I don't think the PSP is going to be the end-all device that Soany says it can be. I have put several dozen movies on my Arcos AV700 and it is pretty good. I am enjoying that very much. If you look at PSP's I think they are going to be limited to gaming. But the UI is brilliant on the PSP. Really well suited for gaming and the graphics are outstanding. Keep them in mind.

Just been thinking... (maybe thinking too much)

I understand that blind trust will never exist, I can only hope I'll be able trust him one day, with time, it's not at all possible now.
I am not really expecting it now, specially since I even wander if he's a serial cheater type.

But there must be some kind of "level" of trust, not on his promises or future actions, but at least some trust on his feelings now and some trust on him about the recent past (during affairs), that will allow me to start R.

But for me (and any BS?) I feel I need him to at least talk about everything that happened during this 2 years. I need to feel it coming from him. (I don't want more d-days)
I feel I should have all my questions answered to move on with R.

H says he did told me everything. I feel there are many unclear events.
Not to mention that we still don't know the WHY he did it. (I already accepted I have to wait for it, in a near future)

This leaves me wandering:
1. He really didn't tell me everything. Be it because he fears what I might think of him, that will hurt me even more or whatever.

2. He took too long to talk, giving me time to imagine it being much worst then it was, so now I feel something is "still" missing. Specially because I had to take it out of him piece by piece (And I am not even asking for S details, as I know I can't live with them).

3. He's really being honest (as in he's giving me the answers) but I just can't trust anything at all, and I am being unrealistic expecting any "level" of trust, or any level of feeling confortable to let go.

It's my understanding (or wish?) that we should start from a solid base of Radical Honesty. (Honesty being one of my EN)
So that level of trust should be as much as to at least let me believe he is being Radical Honest about the past.


I am not happy with what I have. And I am really tired of thinking (not talking) about the A's.
What I am confused right now is:

1. I am tired of all this and I am settling down?

2. Or I am expecting too much? And what we have is more then enough?

3. Or I am just not reading your last post and not giving it enough time?

This is exhausting

How's it going with you? How's Gamela doing?

I don't remember sorry, but did you two fill the EN questionaries?

Don't be happy with what you have. There is no reason to be. Don't worry about the fact that you are not happy with it.

I hope you are settling down. You need to. Don't place so many expectations on WH. He will just continue to disappoint you. I am no expert but I don't think radical honesty can qualify as an EN. I think you are confusing this with trust but that is just my opinion. Honesty is a behavior - not an emotion.

I doubt what you have is more than enough but it may be enough for the moment. You both have your own personal issues to work through and hopefully each will move back toward the marriage. You don't know what is going through his mind. You want him to be ashamed and guilty but that is probably not what he is feeling. And that frustrates you. At least it does me.

Wanting to talk about everything and know everything is not relevant to anything and some day you will look back and understand that. It is your way of trying to cope with the A. I think all BS's do that. I did. Eventually I stopped. I still don't know everything but I don't care any more. Now I understand what the A was and learning more details now just makes me more ashamed for gemela. Learning of the A destroys our self-esteem and we want to pick at the details to learn why we were such failures. Now I realize I wasn't the failure - gemela was (and is). Eventually your mind will find a way to understand the A and cope with it. You will be able to fence it off nicely in your mind and, when that happens, you won't want to know any more details about it because it might open the gate. Right now, for me, knowing more details just doesn't matter. I think it has taken time to get to that point.

Gemela never did fill out an EN questionaire. Gemela is in denial about the A. I think time will change things for her too. Time will allow her to decide if she really wants to stay in the marriage and it will do the same for me. Each day she prolongs this and each day she delays to commit to recovery reduces my desire for it. I can see how, if she drags this out too long, we might reach the point where she wants the M and I don't. Time will tell.

Right now I am very unhappy in my marriage but I am otherwise happy in my life. I mean really happy in my life. I couldn't say that a month ago.

Well... actually I don't think details is what I am looking for. But I guess you are right, it will eventually be of no importance.

The gaps are more about if there were more OW then the one's I know about, if there were other ONS and such. It's just about me trying to figure out who he really is, a serial cheater? This really scares me.

I mean, how long till next time? Had I D two years ago and I would be in such a much better place now, me and my girls. (Of course 2 years ago I was denied the truth and the option of choosing, even thou I know I would have, as now, optioned for Rebuilding)

It just keeps poping in my mind... I lost already 2 years and so much during that time. Am I willing to waste more?

Anyway, sticking with my plan of Recovery.

Glad to know you are happy with your life <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I can go either way on this. So the question for me is, will finding out more details affect my decision as to whether to stay in the marriage or leave? If it will change your decision one way or the other, you should keep asking.

I don't think it will affect my decision to stay in the M.
So far I make it a "cold" decision, I face it as a new project, a hard one with lots of challenges, I am giving it at least one year timeline. So until then I have to work and give it all I can.

Knowing the details or all that is to be known would just make me feel that I had all the information needed to work on the project. If not I have to move and start working on it, but It will take me much more time since I have to search for more info. Let's imagine a building on a hard terrain, instead of all the relevant info on the terrain to start right away, I have to wait and search for that info.

Maybe I just fear that when the project will be almost finish the terrain will colapse because there was hidden info on it from the start.

But, I have already taken the job, so no matter what or how hard now... I must move on.

But moving on is hard. There's so much to rebuilt. For one now I have spent the past 4 months doing the "mechanical" part of my job, that's just a small part of my job, so for the past 4 months I haven't really worked. And right now I am at risk of loosing my job <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> and that's bad, around here it's not really easy to find another one for a caucasian. And the worst is... I really can't work. I can eventually do the "mechanical" part but I can't be creative, so new projects are not coming out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

And to tell you the truth that's what I have been worried with the last few days.. when i realized "June???? already???? MY GOD I haven't done anything new since January???? (Dec, holidays, so since Nov, no one has received any new project from me)

As for the M... we are now stuck in the SF... I have a high S drive, as my H... but I just don't feel like it with him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I feel bad before and specially after... We have lost our intimacy and it just feels bad after, empty, meaningless. What we had was so intense, so extremely good, but it was based on the full trust we shared.

Believe it or not I think trying to get to the bottom of the truth may be hurting you. I understand what you mean about the mechanical part of the job. I got to a point where I could stare at my email screen for hours. I couldn't get motivated to do anything. This is where I think taking AD has really helped. At least I can do more now. I still have a tough time taking on new, really large tasks but I can. I do find now that I can really only do one big thing at a time. I can't juggle a lot of tasks like I used to and I feel like that is a side-effect of the AD. But at least I am being productive again.

I also know what you mean about SF. I just can't get motivated to bother. It is not that I physically can't. That is no problem at all - it is just that I have no desire to do anything about it. WW is certainly not being proactive in that regard so I am not missing anything. I also am in about a four month outbreak of the HPV she and OM gave me which I think about a lot. I have a couple of spots that have swollen into what look like blood blisters and they hurt.

Every day it is a different story but she has about 8 or 9 of them. She worked out and then played golf and she is exhausted. She worked in the garden and hurt her back and she reminds me she has chronic back problems. She was cleaning house (we have a maid) and hurt her back picking up laundry. She washed her hair and put it in a pony tail and, when the hair dried, it was tight and it gave her a headache. She didn't stop to eat lunch and got hypoglycemic so has a headache and is nauseous. She didn't sleep well and is just exhausted. I listen to these stories every single day and I try to be so outwardly sympathetic while inside I ask myself how many times I have heard this before. I have stopped caring.

The truth is I am starting to lose feelings for my WW and am starting to lose interest in R. Nothing has really changed. She is going about her life as if nothing ever happened. I have gotten angry the last week or so. Just a slow simmer. I don't think you should drag out Plan A too long if WS is not interested in recovery.

If you are not taking AD's, it might be a good idea to start. That should help you with your work. Only you can decide when you can stop digging for answers about the A. If things bother you, talk about then. Get the answers you want.

Don't wait around for time to lapse hoping that things will get better. If WH is willing to go to MC, is willing to try to commit to the marriage, you need to act on it while the motivation is still there.

I did want to comment that it troubles me a little bit how you describe recovering your marriage as a "cold" decision and treat it as a new project. This is your life you are talking about. This is a dynamic relationship between two people involving the entire family. Don't try to detach yourself from your feelings. You can't isolate yourself from past and future pain and recover the M at the same time. You are going to have to lay yourself on the line if you have any hope of getting through this. This is not a project. It doesn't have Gantt charts and milestones. It has no real direction and no defined objective. Sure you want to recover the marriage but you have no clue what that marriage is going to be like. I hope it is a good one. It can be if you both want it.

You got me thinking my whole situation again.

I need to think, I need to re-read all my thread again. I need to re-read all the good advice you gave earlier then gave strength to stand up.

I am on Ad's but maybe I need to increase the dose, appointment in 3 days.

Maybe my cold decision is my defense?

I went thru a lot the past 2 years.
I lived in the agonizing land of doubt, the doubt of his fidelity that led to doubt myself, the family betrayal and the "failure" as a parent. (even if it's not our fault, we parents tend to feel responsible)

I lost myself during this time, I really did. And now I am even loosing myself professionaly.

I was always the one everyone could count on. I was always the good professional, the good mother the good wife and the good friend. Everybody counts on me for everything.

Of course, there was no exposure, and no one knows what I am going thru and some just wander why am I so sad lately.

Maybe I am desperate trying to take control of my own again.

The damage of the A's is so deep and affected so much in our lives that maybe, after all I am still in FEAR of the great task ahead.

Maybe that's why I am trying to be cold and rational.
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Quote:
The truth is I am starting to lose feelings for my WW and am starting to lose interest in R. Nothing has really changed. She is going about her life as if nothing ever happened.
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That's how I feel most of the time about my H.... specially the last sentence. Making it a project, like a long term goal is giving me the strength to continue, without expecting much results for now.

But I have to reconsider it, as I see it may lead to a 'false" recovery.

I really have no word for your situation... is Gamela on IC? Some how it just sounded like the spoiled woman... is she feeling like a victim or something? Is she still in withdraw from fantasy land?