My one year Dday anniversary was really hard. I was at Disneyworld at the time and, as much as I tried, I certainly didn't have a magical day on that day. I also looked back and felt that a year had not accomplished much although I'm sure that was just my feelings rather than reality. In reality, A was exposed and killed, PB was run off, NC was established, fog lifted, WW somewhat committed to the M. But Dday+1 was very depressing.

You say you don't feel like you are in recovery. Then you aren't. I've gone through months of the attitude of gemela basically saying "well I'm here - isn't that enough?". Well it isn't. Gemela has consistently tried to ignore the A or cover up facts because she said she was protecting me. She told me her IC said we shouldn't talk about it. I finally told her that her IC was full of shyte and I didn't give one good GD what she thought. She was wrong. Geela herself had said that her IC seemed to know nothing about A's. I told gemela she grabbed onto this advice because it is what she wanted - not the IC. It is not gemela's place to decide what is right for me - it is my place to decide what is right for me.

I feel like that guy in the movie "Network". I'm mad as he!! and I'm not going to take it any more. I'm also at the point where D seems like a very attractive option. The happiest I have been since Dday wass when we were separated and gemela was in Mexico. My goal is to be happy. I'm no rocket scientist but the math is pretty easy on this one. It seems the obvious choice is to get gemela gone because she is in the way of that happiness.

All of these events/thoughts/ideas have had an impact. I may not be interested any longer in my M but in a curious way, this may be exactly what needed to happen in order to save it. I am no longer worried about offending gemela. I am no longer interested in protecting her feelings. I won't go so far as to say it's my way or the highway but by God she had better step up to the plate. I will compromise. I will let her have her place but she cannot sit idly by doing nothing.

I used to be worried when we didn't have SF for long spans. I used to think SF helped bring us closer together. Maybe early in our M it did but it doesn't any longer. She seems to need it more than me. Sometimes I wonder if she thinks that by us not having SF that my eyes may start to wander so she is doing preventative maintenance. I don't know because we've never talked about it. To be honest, spooning at night and talking makes me feel closer to her than SF. If I were to never have SF with her ever again, I could still envision a happy marriage to her.

I know I was very impatient when this whole process started. I had to learn patience. I think my new found patience turned to lethargy at some point. That's when I truly became unhappy because I essentially lost hope of a good marriage.

At some point the A is dead. At some point, no matter what you do, WS is not going to decide to run off with OP. At some point, even if they did do that, it wouldn't matter to you. That is the time to take drastic measures and get moving. BigK says hope is not a plan. While I generally think all his advice is frivolous, I have to give him his due on this one. (Just kidding BigK - you know I love you).

I have no trust in gemela. She is not deserving of that. She wants me to trust her. I tell her that trust is not our #1 concern right now. If she is unhappy with the fact that I don't trust her, that's her problem. She caused it - she can deal with it. I have said that trust is not important because if I ever catch her in one more adulterous act (including sending a "thinking of you" card to OM or developing any inappropriate friendships with men, she is history. Do not pass go - do not collect $200. These rules are strict and their punishment will be swift and severe.

An indefinite Plan A is definitely a bad plan. Is (F?)WH happy in the current situation? Have you talked openly and honestly about what your fears are? Does he understand your feelings? It amazes me how two people (speaking of gemela and I) can share the same bed and yet live so far apart.

Finally things seam to start getting better.

We have been talking a lot lately, we had a long talk on the 18, the one year mark.

H says he's really sorry, and that its really hard for him to bear the shame and the guilt specially because were living the hard consequences of his A's and lies.

He says he really wants to recover our M and believes we can go back to the great relationship we had.

He says he still doesnt really know why he let it happen, but believes a lot of diferent reasons led to it, but mostly his stupidity and the fact that he never really though about the consequences.

He said he feels very ashamed that he realised how easy it is to betray and fool when the OS trusts, and so stupid to loose that kind of trust.

He says he still feels it hard to be wth the girls because he feels so guilty to and see how much arm he "indirectly" made to them with his behave.

Anyway, a lot have been taled and discussed, he's open to my questions about the A's.

The most important to me, and why I am so positive that this time we are REALLY tstarting recovery is that we are actually really comunicating and talking openely.

I have sended him a few links to some post I though he shoud read. He reads em all and we talk about them, which is good.

He still says he doesnt want to read the boards or even post because he's a WS and finds it very depressing to read.

Quote:
It amazes me how two people (speaking of gemela and I) can share the same bed and yet live so far apart.

That's how I was feeling when I last posted, somehow this last conversations are making me feel like we are now living the same life.

I can find some peace within myself. As to how will I ever overcome all this, it will take time till I let go. Triggers happen very often and are a big issue.
Trust will take time, but at least for now it feels like were in recovery.

Of course I have doubts.. Am I settling just because I am tired? Am I just here for the girls? What happens if the same conditions appear to him? Will he do it again?
Guess I just have to be patient and positive.

Once again, thanks for all your support. Your words have always helped more then you can imagine.

LW,

This sounds more like recovery. So what is he doing to help you recover?

L.

LW,

Honestly speaking, everything you have posted sounds right and very sincere. What you are now embarking on, unfortunately, is the same road I trod and that is where you are about to become the obstacle to your own recovery rather than your H. I know this from experience. Your H may be an open book but, to you, it won't be enough. This will frustrate him and stall recovery. You have to begin to give him the benefit of the doubt. Don't trust him - but begin to consider the possibility that he may be telling the truth.

Okay long story short, I spent months in paranoia. I doubted everything even though gemela gave me no reason to doubt. Now, when I get like that, I simply tell her "gemela, I just wanted to say that I am feeling really down and insecure about all this. You have done nothing to make me feel this way and I appreciate all the effort you are making. This is just the way I am feeling right now. It will go away but I was wondering if you could just hold me for a minute." Or something similar. Do you know? She holds me and makes those feelings go away. It is hard to want to reconnect because you don't want to leave yourself open to being hurt again. But you don't have any choice. You want him to be completely honest with you - it is a two-way street.

That's some mighty progress Pio.

As always Pio you are right on.

Yes, that's how I feel and that's what I am questoning myself about.

Actually I ment to ask you about the fact that I am now ready to give him the benefit of doubt... but since I lived in a diferent but still benefit of doubt for two years prior d-day... I just kept it tomyself to think about it more deeply.

LW,

You can very easily be your own worst enemy and it is not pretty. All I can say is keep communicating. This was probably my biggest mistake. Just don't make WH have to guess how you are feeling. He will assume the worst too. You may both be very close to the same thing and not know it. All I can say is "talk". What have you got to lose? You can't get much more hurt than you already are and, if you end up divorced, at least you tried. Go ahead - give it a shot.

One big mistake is to come on here and post "my WH did this or my WH said that - what do you guys think?". He is right in front of you. Talk to him.

Good advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Got it, will try. Very good advice indeed.

I can relate and easily imagine that happenning if I am not carefull... with myself. I closed myself too much for the past year, have to get used to be a little more of myself in that area.

Thanks Pio, really, you made my day!

LW,

This period for me was a difficult transistion. I had a very hard time trying to find the right balance of enthusiasm/detachment, trust/suspicion, etc. It took me months to get to something that made sense and I could live with. Most of the problems during that time were created by me - not by gemela. I found that I had been so wrapped up in the fight to kill the A that I had never given myself time to properly heal.

I got to the point where I could enthusiastically pursue recovery but be ready for divorce in an instant. I walked a very fine line for months. Any little thing could have pushed me over the edge (and did twice). Gemela pulled me back both times.

I guess that what I want to warn you about is that this could be a particularly dangerous time for you if you are anything like me. In a sense, this is worse than those few weeks right after Dday. Your battle is over. You have to disarm and now fight your war on a totally new front. This time you can have an ally if you allow it.

I need to think.


I do feel some peace inside. Mostly because we are talking.

... really need to think. I can't quite identify where does this inner "feeling" is coming from, besides the fact that we are talking and the big step, for me, to give him the benefit of doubt.

There's more to it and I need to figure it out. But it's related to your previous posts.

...

LW,

My point is not to discourage you. My point is to make you aware ahead of time that you might very well wake up one morning and scream "WHAT THE HECK AM I THINKING?!?!?!?". It is normal. Be prepared for it. Don't make your WH pay the price for your personal demons. He may have created them but he is no longer feeding them. I too had inner peace one day. The next day I demanded a divorce. Go figure. These are things you both can work through together. When you get those feelings, come and post. I have had a very rough transition from Plan A/B to what may now be recovery. It was far more simple when I knew who my enemies were. That is no longer the case.

You may never experience any of this. I hope not. I no longer have any expectation that gemela and I will be married 10 years from now. I don't even much care about tomorrow. As long as we are together today, this should be a good day. I'm not willing to sacrifice today for a better tomorrow.

Quote:
My point is not to discourage you. My point is to make you aware ahead of time that you might very well wake up one morning and scream "WHAT THE HECK AM I THINKING?!?!?!?".
__________

I know, that's why I thank you, because you made me see this can happen.

And I can see it happening so easy. I hope now I am prepared and to remember your words when I wake up it that one morning, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Actually, I now realise I have been my own enemy for some time already.

Not an easy path I know... but still feeling this inner peace. Things getting better each day.

Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />