we just got off the phone and i've told her im no longer going to try to keep her from leaving and that im ready to move on w/ my life and that she needs to come and get her things packed up and out of my house, mean yes however it seems like shes taking her sweet little time even though i know shes not getting paid until end of month or later.

i sum of you are thinking dont let her go but i really need to get on w/ my life and just hop that she will realize what she's going to be missing out on and if not than i will oneday find someone who will care 4 me.

but i still will keep the light on for now.

Well, I wish you lots of luck Saenz, but I'll be honest with you.....

If that's your Plan A, I think you've got a pretty good shot at being offered the postion of best man...at your wife's wedding to OM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry if that sounds flippant. It's not meant to be. I'm just thinking maybe you're throwing her right into the OM's arms.

lady:
ouch that hurts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

but i just dont know what to do anymore shes dead set on moving out and not wanting to work on us so all i can do no wis let her go and hope she realize what we have together is real and i hope she will come back.

i cant change her mind at all about staying in the house i've tryed everything if you have any ideas please let me know i will try anyting except for begging.

Her moving out doesn't necessarily have to stop you from doing a good Plan A. If she's still willing to communicate with you AT ALL...you have opportunities. You have in-roads.

I can't remember if you've read Surviving An Affair yet, but if not you need to. If you're confused on what to do, you can call the Harleys for over-the-phone counseling too. There IS a fee for that service though.

Your divorce is not a done-deal yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

saenz, have you exposed this affair? Who is this OM and what does he do? What does your W do?

I agree that you can't stop her from moving out, but you don't have to throw her out or lovebust in the process. You probably won't be able to meet many needs at this time, but you should still try.

I think your best weapons right now would be exposure and making it clear to her that you won't let her move the kids from their home. It should not be up to the kids to tell her they don't to move. You are their father and need to protect them from her.

lady:
i agree that i can still use plan A which i do plan to do it just seems to be useless right now.

I LOVE MY WIFE MORE THAN I THOUGHT i could ever LOVE sum 1
i dont wanna give up but it also has to be double sided.

melody:
i have exposed the A to any and all that will listen and as far as the kids we are going to leave them in there same day to day routine which is days w/ her and nights w/ me.
the OM is a friend of her sisters back from high school
which they meet threw her stupid sisters devil myspace

good news all just used some of the tools that are here for us to use. she just callled me and was feeling bad about her brothers birthday today. and i just listened w/ out talking of us or marriage just me listening and responding.

i let her know that if she needs to come home for a while to be held that i could do that as well w/ out fear of me bring up us.

also let her know that if she ever needs to talk to sum 1 she could call me cause i would always be hear for her when she needed an ear.

good right?

Sounds good. The affair will never last. Work on being the most attractive alternative.

Also keep doing things to keep your life good. Don't just sit around waiting.

woke up today around 5am couldn't stop thinking about her having an A and its just kills me to know she did what she did. its funny cause i haven't thought about the act of the
A at all this past week till today. know i feel hurt again and not wanting to forgive her.

she will be coming to get the boyz 2 day i'll be alone for some much needed me time however i hope that i dont fall into this dumb pitty party for myself.

well i did it again she came to get the kids and i started off well but of course i opened my big mouth by asking her if shes still in contact w/ the OM and of course i got a yelling no that she hasnt talked to him. and then i started talking marriage someone just SHOOT me now please.

Oh boy, Saenz, hang in there. I woke up early too and can't stop thinking. I prayed for you and everyone on this board this morning. Try to put it on the shelf and focus on controlling your thoughts. Think about your goal and visualize it. Keep coming here b/c it sounds like you're getting great advice.

You know Saenz, this is my personal opinion, but I think there are two kinds of cheaters.

One kind feels entitled to cheat. We're talking about a person with narcissitic traits who feels that 'whatever makes them happy' is paramount. These are often serial cheaters, because they fail to take personal responsibility for their own happiness and are constantly casting outwards for that which 'makes them happy'. There's something broken in the foundation of their personality....and their cheating is a reflection of their actual character.

The other kind of cheater is a lost soul. Infidelity is an aberation in any otherwise healthy personality, a temporary sickness which infects their character. They are lonely, or depressed, or feeling hopeless...trapped within a problem where solutions continually evade them. These ones feel like they're drowning, and they reach outward for whatever can keep them afloat.

My husband fit into that second catagory. In his natural state...he's a terrific guy. He's honest and loyal, and his heart is pretty much in the right place.

You're the 'man on the ground', as Mortarman puts it. Which kind of cheater are you dealing with? Based on what you've written, my guess is the 'lost soul' type.

Now, don't get me wrong...I think Plan A works for both. But I think when you're dealing with a 'lost soul', you have to pay special attention to addressing their ENs in a manner that builds emotional trust. This kind of WS doesn't trust that his/her mate will deal with them in kindness and understanding. Part of proving that you are THE GUY is rebuilding the emotional trust between you.

Plan A is NOT some kind of trick. It's YOU, unveiling your potential as a superior mate. And it's YOU, establishing your boundaries, the most absolute of your ENs...that which allows you to continue on in the marriage.

As you read through all the other threads here, you have to remember that the advice given to one is not necessarily the best for another. A poster who is dealing with the 'narcissistic cheater' will be given much different advice than a poster who is dealing with a 'lost soul'. And while there's usually something that you can extrapolate from all of it, it's you, the 'man on the ground' who will decide what's best for your situation.

Saving your marriage is a tightrope walk over hot coals. Alot of what you'll need to do will feel 'unnatural', and ultimately no one else can do it for you. We can only offer you opinion, hope, and our own personal experience with our own specific situations. This is why you need to make the most of educating yourself in the program....because it's YOU who ends up making the decisions.

Anyway, I'll share my experience in dealing with my husband, who was a 'lost soul' in an EA.

What I found to be the most helpful was identifying the deficits. I looked at his situation in a scientific way and set my own emotions aside for awhile.

Once I had figured out what the problems were...I joined his team. The goal was to use BOTH of our assets to concentrate on fixing what was wrong with him. We attacked the depression and the chronic pain. I provided him with a safe place to lay down his emotional baggage, and even when I wasn't hearing what I wanted to hear...I listened.

I adopted a strategy to 'prioritize his problems as if they were my own'. His problem became MY problem. And since he'd already been beaten down in the struggle, I brought fresh energy to OUR team.

This sounds easy enough, but it's not. Sometimes I felt like an absolute fool. My doubts plagued my emotions, and I had to give myself periods of 'temporary wallowing' like I told you about earlier.

In doing so, I was able to give the correct names to my emotions. i.e. I felt angry...because I felt foolish. I felt foolish...because I felt scared. I felt scared....because I might lose him. But this comes to full circle, because I ALREADY had lost him, so I had nothing to lose by continuing on my 'Plan A' course.

We're two years in recovery now. We're both doing great, and happier in the marriage then we've ever been. You can't unlearn these lessons about ENs. So, the fulfillment of ENs has become part of our day-to-day.

Like I told you earlier, you can always "up the ante" if the first part of your Plan A doesn't bring you any results. But for now, maybe you can work on rebuilding the emotional trust that's been lost. Dr. Phil refers to one mate being the other's "soft place to fall". So, if you're dealing with the 'lost soul' rather than the 'narcissist'....she's out in the world looking for that soft place to fall. Wouldn't you rather that she found it in YOU?

lady:
wow you know how to inspire, i was just talking to her on the phone cause shes taking the oldsest two kids to see there father 4hrs. away then shes goign to go ahead and go to her hotel for the next 3 days she'll be up there.

i asked her if she wanted me to go up there and she said no but not only she told me one who the most hurtfull things i've heard her say to me "we are seperated get it threw your head!!!"

ouch ouch ouch

i need to just leave her alone for awhile..

a real big thanks to you and everyone on the board but i think more than ever doing nothing is probly the best thing to do.

go on the intrenet and down load the ebook "stop your divorce" by Homer Macdonald...

that book plus all the advice you get here will make you a LETHAL WEAPON!!! she really is a very confused "sick" person right now...a ****** of a lot more vulnerable than you are....you just need to keep that in perspective...

just cuz you been "victimized"...you dont always have to act like the VICTIM!!

make your self more attractive, more fun, go out with friends...go buy new clothes...go do anything you have been putting off..take your kid (the one she left) and TAKE your own trip somewhere!!!

Whew!! i could go on and on....

download that book and read it..then re-read it!!

but stop being a wimp....WOULD you want to return to a "beaten down" no self esteem woman?????

think about it....what seperates you from the pack or the dude shes cheating on you with??? (remove any moral or ethical issue here)

stop crying and start acting like a man and a father!!!

"ouch ouch ouch"....whats that???????

YOU give her alot of power over you!!!

oh yeah...I know this because.....

I HAVE WALKED IN YOUR SHOES!!!

sturgis:
hey your right im acting like such a ***.

you got me at
"Its better to die standing, than live a lifetime on your knees" (Pancho Villa)

pancho villa is my nick name as a kid i seen one of his movies and the next day i ran around in my dipers and fake guns yelling out "im pancho villa viva mexico" so 6 yrs. ago i had "villa" tatooed to my arm to remind myself to stay strong when faced w/ adveristy. you should play the lotto 2 nite. or i will and i'll send ya a mill. when i win
thanks thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaankkkkkkkkks.

im off to confession now, you no wi haven't been right w/ GOD since my moms passing i see this as a sign from him thats its time to come and see him!!!!!!!!

"Its better to die standing, than live a lifetime on your knees" (Pancho Villa)

i've survived my friends bachlor party last night and i had so much fun course i didnt get home till 4am, and now im tierd but i have my boys so i cant catch no zzzz until 2 nite. though of my W today and why she had the EA. but aleast i haven't called her.

k, im going crazy w/ pain and i dont know what it is or why.

Deep breaths. When you're feeling bad, read through all the information. Did you get a copy of SAA yet?

You might want to see your medical doctor about this. An antidepressant medication might be in order if you're having a really hard time.

yeah, im having a herd time w/ it but i dont like to use pills to help me get though it im afraid of mind alterering
stuff.