I have no clue to how to do a forum so am going at it blindly & have already lost my first post! I don't even know if I'm in the right section or topic. Guess someone will tell me what to do.

I've just found out(not quite 3 wks ago) my WS is having an affair & has been for 6 mo. What makes it so bad is that I've been there before with previous husband. It drug out for 7 yrs. & almost destroyed me. I've asked that my WS not leave & he remains at home for now. The A continues as he says although it only started out for sex that they now love each other. OW is also M but unhappily for many years. I've told him this can't go on forever & he says he knows but doesn't know what he's going to do. He says he loves us both. I fear that because I've asked him to stay that that just lets him have his cake and eat it too. My adult daughter told me about the MB site and I have poured over every word & am reading SAA & waiting on HNHN to arrive. I know what EN of his that I wasn't meeting and what ones of mine he wasn't meeting. I know about the Love Bank, Plan A & B. I know recovery can not begin until A ends. I know that if I'm wanting recovery & I am that it's better for the WS to remain in the home which others don't understand. Things are better betw us than they've been in a long long time. We are close, making an effort & succeeding to be kind to each other, there is no arguing, no fighting, few outburts, doing things together that he knows I wanted. I have done a 360 turnaround that he is questioning the sincerity of. i am doing everything in my power to meet his EN and make home a pleasant place to be & to let him know that I love him with all my heart. He isn't much interested in MB site but have seen him on it one time of his own accord. Yesterday I talked to him about the Love Bank deposits & withdrawals. He asked a few questions & asked if certain things he'd done had made deposits. I pulled up the part of the MB site that explained the Love Bank & he read it but made no comment. i know it's still really early but it's so hard to be patient.

My adult children are very angry with me for letting him stay here and continue the A, his adult children know of A but not that it's continuing, his parents & my friends know nothing. There reaction would be that he needs to be out immediately. I just need advice or suggestions from others who have been thru this. I didn't have MB with my previous marriage, nor did previous husband still love me & wasn't interested in working things out, nor did he remain in home just came & went from home & bed as he pleased because I allowed it.

After rereading this post it seems so cut & dried, so factual without much emotion. believe me there has been and is plenty of emotion. Tomorrow he's going somewhere overnight with OW, weekend after D-Day he spent day with her, works with her everyday, IM her every evening. It's killing me but I love him still so much & want very much to work things out. Others don't understand that & are quick to offer their solutions.

Well, for your very first post, you're WAY ahead of average on your understanding of the MB principles. Good job getting educated.

Expose the affair further - especially to OW's husband. How do you know how bad her marriage has been? Because your H said so?

Please describe the employment situation of H and OW. Sounds like a workplace affair. Is there a supervisor/subordinate situation? What kind of business is it?

(((((LovingStill))))) Cyperhugs to you.

Yes, LS, we KNOW how hard it is. That you are "holding it together" speaks volumes for your strength and love, but it DOES also hurt immensely and cannot continue indefinitely...as you know.

Set yourself a "time limit" for Plan A, say 3 to 6 months. Make the changes in yourself that are needed for you, and he will benefit. Just know, and accept if you choose to do it this way, that as long as he is actively in an affair and has NOT chosen the marriage, there is very little that you can do to "reach him." That's the nature of the delusional fog he is in.

HE wants it both ways because then he doesn't have to face the pain. SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET HURT as a result of his selfish indulgence and selfish choice. If he chooses you, the OW gets hurt. If he chooses her, you and the family gets hurt. His choices, as he sees it, are "bad and bad." He THINKS adultery is "okay" as long as he "care for, or loves" her.

But Marriage is between ONE man and ONE woman. Outside of God there is NO ROOM in any marriage for "third person."

I would also recommend that you quietly contact an attorney to begin the process of protecting yourself and your family from his "bad choices." I strongly suspect that he will accept your Plan A choices that "stroke his needs" but will NOT choose to endure the pain of making the "right choice."

Therefore, I strongly suspect that it will ultimately lead to Plan B, AFTER you have done a good Plan A and shown the "new you" that he will be missing. When that happens, Plan B either results in the fog breaking and his returning to the marriage, or it ends in divorce. So do the "Boy Scout Thing" and be prepared in the even that he "chooses poorly."

God bless.

Loving Still - this is very important.

As soon as you read these responses, tell us and indicate whether your H would recognize you when he visits this forum. If so, I and FH and others who may post need to consider deleting some of our advice - especially my advice about exposing the affair to OW's H. Understand?

WAT

worthatry--yes H said OW marriage was unhappy. He's told me they sleep in separate rooms(he's been to her house to set up a computer..I just didn't know they were having A). He has told me OWH isn't interested in sex, told her to find a boyfriend. I ask if OWH tells her he loves her, answer was yes. They've been married either 17 or 19 yrs, can't remember which he said. She stays for money reasons and for her house. I'm afraid to expose A to OWH..he has an extensive gun collection & fear he would kill my husband. he fears this also. also fear that if I exposed he would immediately leave & she would be forced to & then they would move in somewhere together. I know that's plan B but i'm not ready for that yet.

they work in a factory in same cell(area), side by side. have for 15 yrs. he wanted more sex, wasn't getting as much at home as he wanted, had heard she wasn't happy at home so approached her with proposal of an A for sex only but it turned into more. made the comment the other night that the only reason he was still with her was because sex is so damn good with her. also says he knows one of us is going to be hurt badly with whatever decision he makes & it's tearing him apart. i also think he is unsure of how sincere i am about my change. he fears it will be that way for awhile and then go back to the way things were. then i think he thinks that he will have lost his chance with her if he lets her go. i keep telling myself it is still so early since disclosure and that Dr harley says most affairs dissolve within 6 mo.....that's a long long time away!!!!!!!!!!!

WAT--yes if my H were to come to the forum he would recognize the content of my posts for sure.

OK, a couple of things.

Perhaps you misunderstood my point about how you know their marriage is unhappy.

Don't believe a word from your H about this. That said, HE shouldn't believe a word from HER about this.

Same goes for his OWM's guns, etc.

The truth is, as you know from reading MB material, that their marriage isn't as good as it could be. Hence the affair.

Recognize that your H's doubt about the durability of your Plan A improvements is really good news. This means he recognizes the improvements. The next time he voices doubt that they're permanent, be honest: "It wasn't until the soul searching I've done after the impact of our crisis that I recognized my shortcomings in the marriage. This has been a HUGE wakeup call. I assure you I won't make the same mistakes again."

Do you know whether he has browsed this forum?

WAT
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Embrace your inner fish.

About exposure to OWM.

You have to decide whether you want to do your best to save the marriage or not. If so, this means exposure.

If your H has a valid fear of being shot, good! Maybe as he continues to browse MB or reads your books, the fear will become greater in that he may recognize that exposure is inevitable - if not by you, via the workplace.

Speaking of the workplace, exposure there is also recommended. It sounds as if there is NOT a supervisor/subordinate relationship. If there were, a sexual harrassment situation would exist which most good companies abhor for legal reasons. Nonetheless, you should consider notifying the company. Workplace exposure success is spotty. Most companies don't care unless a business impact can result.

WAT
---------------
Embrace your inner fish.

FH--i know about setting a time limit for plan A & I've already come to the conclusion that he most likely won't make a decision as long as I allow this so i know i will have to go to plan B. I feel like i need to make the most of plan A & the time I will have to make changes & show how much i love him. our marriage was once very very good & i want him to see that it can be again and what he would miss if he chooses her. both of us were married before & both were hurt by our previous S due to A. we were the best of friends and madly in love but somehow things got all screwed up. right now again things are really good again--if you can imagine that--only OW is here too!

He is being extremely open & honest about what & when he does with her. the only secrecy is the emails to her from another account(he knows I'm aware of the acct & that he uses it for that purpose) and he doesn't actually let me see the IMs. It's almost as thou he doesn't think it hurts me as he sits and IMs her or plays pool with her on the computer communicating below as they play or that i know when they are going somewhere. i don't throw a fit, get mad or demand that he stop. it just makes me sad & makes me cry that he does this. i want this honestly,need it but it's weird & hurtful.

i know the OWH has the guns...he showed them to my H when he worked on their computers.

i'm pretty sure he hasn't browsed the forum.

Did you see them?

Do not underestimate the deviousness of a cheating spouse.

A note on Plan B - not available until a physical separation exists, IMHO.

Notify the OWH. You can end this real quick. OWH will find out eventually anyway - especially if the infidels take this to the logical conclusion and move out and shack up.

Let me know when you want info in my prior posts deleted.

WAT

many in the work place know of the affair....affairs are very commonplace and accepted here.

i know that plan b requires a physical separation. i know there is to be no contact betw us. i know the purpose is removing the EN i'm meeting & for him to see what he would actually miss if he goes to her. I know that right now both of us are meeting his EN...me some, her some but i also know that there are going to be lots that she won't be able to meet that he's used to from me!

i was told about the guns before i knew about the A but I guess he could have been preparing me so to speak. i don't think he really thought the A would be found out. i think he thought it would just continue and as long as i didn't know no one would be hurt. maybe i'm being stupid but he is being brutely honest with me now that everything is out in open. i guess there are other WH that are this honest, not sneaking around with the affair but putting them right there out in the open while they are still in the home. i just find it strange i guess that he's so honest and brasen about it all. my children see it as allowing it. they don't understand that i need this time to make the needed changes & show him i can meet his EN & just how much i love him.

It is uncharacteristic for a WS to behave as he is. Typical behavior is to deny, deny, deny.

Based on your descriptions so far, he's sitting on the fence and it won't take much to knock him off to your side.

He's in that "stall" period. He knows it's wrong and can't have it both ways. He's stalling on making a choice both to preserve the excitement and to avoid a decision. Undoubtedly, your Plan A'ing so far is working.

I recommend you avoid trying to force MB down his throat. Do, however, ask him to fill out an EN questionaire.

So, when are you gonna end the drama and call OWM? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Not brave enough yet to expose to OWM, too afraid he'll leave. 2 1/2 weeks since D-day isn't enough time to cement the change in me.

I've not asked him to read anything MB but he knows i'm reading & he knows it's bookmarked. I mention things as it becomes appropriate. He has heard me talk about the questionaire & about ranking things. He was very curious about the Love Bank though. i did pull up that part of Mb & left it open & before he shut down the computer last night he read it. he jokingly wanted to know how much different things were worth!!! He mentioned things that he thought would be deposits and wanted to know if certain things had more weight so that told me those things had more weight to him. he also said that he guessed what he was doing fri(going on overnight with OW) is a huge withdrawal. he made the comment that it was all one man's opinion but at least he knows it's available & he's heard some of the terms from me & sees me reading a lot. guess i just need to be patient but i've also told him that until A ends recovery can't begin. will just bide my time i guess.

if and when he ends the A recovery is going to be difficult. meeting his EN, making changes in me is the easy part. Problems with my adult childen(his step children) are a big consideration(he sees it as a huge obstacle), problems because he works with OW is a huge problem although i've offered him the option of quitting and staying home and trading stocks. ins and his age make it hard to just walk away from this job.

so many things to deal with.

So, you know he's going on an overnight with OW tomorrow and this is OK?

Have you told him that doing so is unacceptable?

Do you know where they're going?

Are you having sex with him?



Hello??? He's leaving with OW tomorrow!!!

He works with her everyday!!

He's already "left" you.



"Cementing" has nothing to do with exposure.

Here's my advice, take it or leave it:

Tell him that going on the overnight with OW is unacceptable to you. Don't make any threats, just make sure he knows.

Cut him off sexually, if you haven't already done so. You do not share with another woman.

Alert her husband today. DO NOT tell your H you're doing this.

WAT

Get tested for STDs, too...

Hey, Loving...have you read AdrianC's thread, "Last Warning"? He is the BS and his WW is in an A. He waited to expose and is in a hellish limbo. Didn't have the courage. Also, I think he did so because the other BS...the OMW...knew for a month and didn't expose to Adrian.

Hurts.

Hurts a lot. You know. Exposure is speaking the truth. Manipulate the truth, then you're like your WH, aren't you?

Be different. You know you're changing. Be solid on what you know. In order to really change, you have to look your fear in the eye, and change anyway.

Expose because you choose to be brave, anyway.

WAT is really wise...trust him when you can't trust yourself.

LA

Loving Still,

I have reason to believe (through reading different posts on these different forums) that, perhaps, your WH's OW is also posting here. Please be careful about what you are sharing.

Mellow....can you give me names so i can recognize any they might be using. can you tell me where i can go to read the ones you think they might be to see. i would really be surprised if either were on here.

blackbelt

can you tell me how to go about finding posts from this person? that's not a name or interest that is connected to either one but who knows. i have no clue as to how to do that. thanks

wow good luck w/ this one if its true. choose your actions wisely. this maybe a good thing or bad please becarefull.