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As for reading past page four...I know I would be easily affected by others' discoveries, might even take them as my own...I don't know about you. It's up to you. Might be the very thing to do, to see others owning all of their villagers...what they experience...which could speak to your fear, or feelings of exclusion...let God guide you.
I don't think there's a time limit.
I'll look in on your posts in TKO... Thanks LA....I might just do that.... and don't worry about the TKO thread.....the crisis was last weekend..... it seems to have passed..... (I have enough of a hard time to just catch up one day!) ...more or less...it was just that having chosen PLAN B I didn't realize I was actually making a vow to celibacy at the same time...until I decide to go to plan D! ...it hit me last weekend... the moment has passed..... without getting myself into toooooo much trouble.... thanks to the TKO group that kept me busy enough to let it PASS! Glad to hear there is no time limit... LA....thank you for your time and patience.
XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
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JJ, "I am thinking a lot about projection...how we project so much about others onto ourselves and how we aren't the other person so we needn't project. We need to accept our awareness of this because projection is self destructive." I don't believe projection is destructive, self or otherwise, if stay aware of it, see it when we do it, then we learn more about ourselves and others. I believe, like fire, it can be harnessed beneficially. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It is when it goes on under our own radar that it rages out of control and burns up our lives. And I use it a lot in my mind to flip things over before I act...when my focus slips onto others... And for renaming OW...I didn't mean here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> About your H's friendship with STBXOWH (wow, what an acronym), in SA recovery, they do need accountability partners....is he working the www.recoverynation.org plan? Is he going to SA meetings? His accountability partner, is more like a sponsor...someone who has been there, understands and knows...so I think your H's choice was marvelous. And your choice to not interrupt or express before hearing all of it was terrific. WTG!! I would consider God's hand in this...you both are really focused on changing your lives...sounds like this man is also...we are magnets to our desires...so I believe this friendship could be part of a whole we can't see yet. What about your commitment to do nothing which creates resentment in yourself? Is this following that guideline? You have a similar relationship with H's xW...where you are her friend, though you betrayed her. Seems like this is a similarity between both of you, yet no children shared from it. I agree to your boundary of NC with OW, or her children...seems that you have a broad, healthy boundary in that one. Btw, SA isn't about sex...it really is about secrets, hiding self from self-image and constant judgment...the porn, etc., is temporary relief from what is a horrible cycle within ourselves...just as alcoholism isn't really about the alcohol...the addiction gives shape to the demon within...and if he leaves his focus on the addiction, then like in recovery, it is a battle you can't win. Would your H consider researching SA a bit online? LA
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LA, Thanks for your help with this. don't believe projection is destructive, self or otherwise, if stay aware of it, see it when we do it, then we learn more about ourselves and others. I believe, like fire, it can be harnessed beneficially. Okay I see where you are going with this...I will work on seeing this with new perspective. And for renaming OW...I didn't mean here. OOPS...my misunderstanding...oh well live and learn. Now I can laugh at this...laughing is good. Yesterday my H went to see the STBXOWH (yikes what an acronym.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />) The man has asked my H to shave his head for him a couple of times which my H thought nothing about until yesterday when the other man clearly crossed a boundary with my H that cause my H to feel violated and embarrassed. Apparently the other man asked my H if it would be okay if he masturbated while my H shave his head. My H said NO this is not okay with me as it crosses a boundary in which he considered in his mind one that would border on being an affair or indediity toward my H and I's M. Same kind of response that he told him regarding the keyholder thing. However the other man had a towel over his body while my H was shaving his head and my H was intenesly focused on the shaving of his head (which I myself have some reservations about anyway since I think this can be a very sensual act in and of itself but my H didn't feel this was what was going on at all.) Anyway even after my H had explicity stated his boundary and told him NO he could not masturbate while my H shave his head unbenounced to my H he did it under the towel without my H's knowledge. After the shaving the man got up quickly and said I need to shower at which point my H point blank asked him if he had in fact done what he promised not to and he had. My H was very embarrassed and felt violated since in fact he had asked him NOT to do this. My H told him that he was going to have to tell me all of it and the other man was begging him not to because he was of course humiliated and scared that I or my H would hate him. My H just told him that after what happened with his own STBXW that he couldn't keep any secrets from me and the he seemed to be respectful of that. So my H came home and briefly told me what happened before we left for church. I had a feeling there was more too it and he divulged fully what had happened after church. He said he felt scared to tell me and what my reaction would be. I wasn't mad but I did feel violated. I felt like how much is my M going to suffer as a result of this couple's (who are now divorcing) involvement? I told my H how I felt and that I felt that this was definitely a boundary issue that I didn't feel at all comfortable with. My H told him that he would never feel comfortable shaving his head again and told the other man that this in a way was no different than what had happened with Hassle... My H strongly suggested that he seek treatment for his SA as my H explained to him that is was serious enough of a problem for him to disrespect my H's wishes. My H is a very compassionate person and does want this man to get help. I stated that his problem goes beyond the realm of anything my H is qualified to help him with and that although be can be a support for him he cannot be his sponsor. This man needs a sponsor who has experience with SA. I know this isn't about me. I am not mad at the man because I know he has a serious addiction but I also feel that my H and I are going to have to POJA about this friendship again after yesterday's events. I realize I have no control over what the other man did or what choices my H made as a result of it. I am pleased that he told him that this was a boundary issue for him and would be one for me as well and that any activity of that sort is to be completely reserved for our M...nothing outside it. Again LA..let me know how you think I am handling this because I am not sure if I am going about this in a healthy way. I do feel upset that this happened. Please advise and don't spare my feelings on this I want the truth. Yes, we have POJA on what is and isn't acceptable as far as the level of intimacy with friends of same and opposite sex. Some of the POJA was determined by me asking my H if he would feel okay with me say...kissing a much older man on the lips ( a peck in friendship...something he has done but I have not.) His response was emphatically NO I would not feel comfotable with you doing that. I said okay we cannot have a double standard here so if you feel that this would be crossing a boundary for me to do it then you must ask yourself if it is in fact not something you feel comfortable with me doing then you need to respect that this is a boundary that needs to be POJA for us. Our POJA is very clear on this now and is agreed that neither of us will flirt, express physical affection of any kind of a sexual nature toward another, etc. I feel good that we have now established this. I worked hard not to DJ while doing this because my point wasn't to make H feel wrong or bad about interactions (seemingly harmless is his mind) but rather to ask himself how he would react to me behaving this way. When his response was that he would feel incredibly upset if I did anything of this nature he realized that this was an area where a POJA needed to happen.
Maybe it is Rocket Science...
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LA,
I fwd. the link to the SA website you posted to my H and he fwd. to Hassle's H. I need a different name for him because that isn't right for him. I don't know what to call him. Anyway he isn't in any SA program and my H is the first person whom he has actually confided in about this SA problem. I have begun to do some research on SA since I don't know that much about but I do agree that all addictions aren't about the DOC there are about control or lack of control or a way of controlling feelings etc. It is a vicious cycle...that I know too.
I have chosen to pray really hard about this issue and how I choose to wait and listen to how God weighs in on this and how I should handle myself. I did talk to my H about my feelings of being violated again. Trusting someone else...and then having that trust betrayed. He accepts my feelings for what they are and that his feelings aren't exactly the same as mine and that it okay that we feel differently as long as we agree together in the end about a solution we are both comfortable with. I am working hard to listen and not interrupt. I am trying to be patient and quiet and listen to God.
Prior to the incident that happened Saturday I was okay with my H's friendship with him...even proud of him for befriending someone who was directly hurt by his A with Hassle. Now I am sort of confused because long ago Hassle told my H that she suspected that her H was gay. I don't give a whole lot of credibility to anything Hassle has ever said because I know her to be a total liar. However now with the advent of this incident a seed of doubt is planted. If there is any warrant to what Hassle said and in fact her STBX is gay (I am NOT saying he is because I honestly don't know) just that if he is then that does in fact change the dynamic because if he is fantasizing about my H and then acting on those fantasies then I do have a problem with that because in my mind that R even if one sided (as I know my H is not gay) is still sort of gray area. I am not sure how I would feel about my H having a friendship with a man that knowingly has feelings toward him in that way. If it were a woman it would be totally unacceptable to me for my H to be friends with her so do I have a double standard because I know my H is straight? I think I am future thinking which isn't healthy...but I know I am having some anxiety about all of this.
My H hasn't spoken to him other than by email at least to my knowledge...and again if any secrets are going on regarding this I am going to have a problem. I will say that it took my H two attempts to tell me the whole truth about the incident and I knew he was lying and when he did later tell me the whole truth I thanked him for being totally honest with me and stated that I was aware that he wasn't being radically honest in his first attempt even though I didn't call him on it. I waited because I wanted to give him the chance to tell me. I didn't want to accuse him of lying because that just sets up a whole cycle of distrust for us and although there are times when I feel that my H isn't radically honest here and there for the most part he is and as far as his A goes that is done so the other small details that don't add up aren't related to that in any way. I don't want to commit any LB's or DJ's toward my H so I am just asking God to guide my words and conversations. This doesn't mean I am stuffing and feeling resentful because I don't feel that I am. I have been honest with my H about my confused feelings regarding the incident in question. He says he feels confused too and isn't sure exactly how he wants to proceed either.
I haven't gotten a strong feeling from God one way or another so I am being patient and listening. Anyway I just wanted to check in.
I am choosing not to obsess (or at least I am trying to) about this one incident and stay focused on working on my R with God, H and family. I am trying to balance my homelife, teaching, and taking my admin.classes. My priorities have changed so much and career is a very distant second to my family so although I still choose to do the best job I can at teaching and take the shame based knowledge and use it in my teaching (wow some serious changes I see in my students when understanding the mindset that shame has) and make the best choices I can as far as how to spend my time and what I will and won't spend time "worrying" about.
I was really down for a couple of days but I feel like I am coming through it and maybe that is God speaking to me...just in the feeling better. What do you think?
Maybe it is Rocket Science...
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JJ,
I think your FWH can enforce boundaries around himself, as he has been doing lately...learning to trust his boundary enforcements would be something that could help you permit yourself to trust FWH more...bit by bit. OWH didn't betray you...he betrayed his promise and your FWH's request...so no contact would be a reasonable enforcement, unless FWH chooses only email now.
I am not saying that his actions did not affect you...I am saying they weren't about you or your marriage. His choices do not say anything about the A, OW's validity or your FWH...they only speak about him. All OPs lie...because they are lying to themselves. This BH has issues of his own, and you already know how much lying is involved in addictions.
Stay where you are, JJ...in the present.
"I think I am future thinking which isn't healthy...but I know I am having some anxiety about all of this."
What is your pattern? When something shocking, disturbing, unthought of (can be confused with unprepared for) happens, do you do this...go into the future as if to reassure yourself you have control? Find your pattern and know it...and do not act from it. I think that's what you are doing, primarily...being still, listening for God's guidance and letting go what you have never been able to control...very healthy...what if you feel anxiety from not acting to pattern as well as the shock of the act?
And can you see how future jumping is a way to manage (control) our own emotions? Which tells self that emotions must be controlled, changed or invalidated? Staying present, prayerful and aware...discerning what is about you and what is not...getting the information from the anxiety by accepting it first...
Could this be a signal, also, about judgment? You were feeling proud, touched, inspired and hopeful from your FWH's choice to befriend someone who he grievously hurt...can you see where maybe your investment in your FWH's choices this far may have been the other side of the same coin...if you view his choices to speak further than their voice can really carry, then you will feel protected, secured, proud, trusting, inspired...some resulting thing...externally. Am I really off here? I see it like the betrayal within an A...where we deeply believe we had cause in it so we can have the cure...reality is that we had no control...either way...which does negate taking false stuff in either direction, doesn't it?
If you need to define your FWH as a good man to feel safe from his bad choices, know this need. Not good or bad...be aware of the judgment, payoff--false or true. Aligning doesn't me we destroy and remake...we re-align, adjust. No bash here...I know you know that.
So the really down for a couple of days might be the emotional information you were thirsting for...I believe God speaks to us all the time...and our soul speak is in our emotions...so, yes...only down doesn't mean bad and up doesn't mean good...information is information...our attitude (what we choose as our perspective) generates that information.
I'm delighted you can see how what you learn changes lives...including your own...might sound the opposite of what I just said...the result, which we cannot control and cannot manipulate, is that children will have a teacher who knows healthy shame from toxic shame and that is a blessing all around. Dynamic change there...so yes, staying present and not focusing on advancement but enhancement of your life--marriage, children, self and partner...and everyone who is in your life in any way...wow...keep your focus where your control is and BE...because I believe that's what you're really learning for the first time...it's about being who you really are, every moment...and staying in there...that we are at one with God.
And you and FWH are agreeing to not react, but to ponder, enforce boundaries, not judge a person, judge the action...and respect each other's differing perceptions and thoughts...WOW...what a blessing state you are in...seeing all of that...not stepping over anything...thriving, I tell ya. Thriving!!
LA
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LA, I think your FWH can enforce boundaries around himself, as he has been doing lately...learning to trust his boundary enforcements would be something that could help you permit yourself to trust FWH more...bit by bit. OWH didn't betray you...he betrayed his promise and your FWH's request...so no contact would be a reasonable enforcement, unless FWH chooses only email now. I agree. I think my H is trying to figure out his boundary with the FOWH's right now. He has definitely taken a huge step back in his R with him. He asked me if I wanted him to end all contact with FOWH and I said that it wasn't a choice for me to make but one he had to make based on his own feelings and boundaries. I will not make this decision for him because I am NOT his mother and it isn't my choice to make. I can only make choices foe me as to how they relate to my own feelings and growth process. I realize something when I was being still..I noticed I felt fear. Yes, I see it the fear. SO I am tracing the fear and I see that in fact it has to do with feelings of control or being out of control or trying to control that which isn't mine to control. Yes, the incident caused me to feel fear...fear of betrayal and fear of trust. But my H didn't do something to betray me from this incident. He was forthcoming and expressed his feelings toward it. My fear comes from the past.Looking at the past and trying to analyze the past to control future outcomes which I am choosing to move away from doing. This isn't easy for me. Changing old patterns take thought and monitoring. I have been working on my own addiction issues as has my H. I have sort of reached a plateau and am working on the next step down. I have a lot to be proud of when I look at how far I have come with this and my understanding of what my addiction issues underlying causes really are and coping in more healthy ways rather than over medicating my feelings with prescription meds. There is also some fear hear as feeling some of those feelings also has to do with feeling that I am trying hard to no longer medicate my feelings and sometimes that causes fear because it has been a pattern for awhile. It is hard sometimes because I know that if I medicate on some levels I will feel better because I don't have to feel what I don't want to feel. But then I don't want to do that so there is guilt associate every time I have a setback because I kick myself when I do it (not often I am actually doing pretty good with this) because I feel like it is a backslide instead of a step forward. At least I feel like I am aware of it and am not giving up if I backslide and saying oh well that's it..I can't do it so why bother trying. This is really the first time I have seriously tried to stop and I do think I am on the road to recovery. I do take it one day at a time and don't give up and that is where I feel like God is really helping me be okay with where I am, living with the consequences of my choices and moving forward to make better choices each day. I am trying hard not to shame myself for setbacks. I WILL NOT give up on quitting and I will not give up on myself. I can do this. I have given this over to God and I feel his strength in me to keep going forward with this choice no matter what Satan tries to distract me with or bring me down with. Does this make sense. I know you can't BS an BSer's so I know I can't BS myself anymore...accountability to God and to self. I refuse to mother my H though his own struggle. I am supportive but he has to do it for him and he has to make the choices. Yes, of course his choices affect our family just as mine do but my addiction is mine to deal with and his is his and we can only be support system and not enablers for each other. I get this. He can't cure me and I can't cure him. We have to cure ourselves by doing the inner work that has caused to need to mask our emotions. We have to really feel those feelings and get to the bottom of why we feel that way and what needs we have that can be met in other more healthier ways. Can I ask you a favor...can you please pray for us right now. We are both praying for ourselves and each other and others we care about too...but LA you see me so well...behind it all so well. I need you and you already know that. I choose to need you because I see you as a healthy inspiration in my life and that is a good choice for me. You help keep me grounded and nothing you ever say is a bash or hurtful. I just don't see your words that way. Just information and questions that help me get closer to my truths. You have this gift that God has given you to help others and I thank you for sharing your gift so endlessly here. With hope, Jilly
Maybe it is Rocket Science...
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JJ, When were you not in my prayers, God's hands? Ask any time...hey, LA, did you stop praying for me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I read your post on the other thread and am here to applaud your self-honesty...I didn't hear a smack of "what will they think" coating. Good job. And your realization that addiction is emotional management is again, your ticket out of addiction. When I said that the addiction didn't cause your H to feel he was worthless, didn't negate the fact that he truly felt worthless...and even now, feels that way. Once you stop getting in the way of your emotions and begin receiving the information, not acting from it, then you can better trace your belief behind the emotion. The belief he has that he is worthless. Makes sense, doesn't it? We get emotions directly from our beliefs...most, not so direct or obvious. We can emotionally manipulate when we give outside reasons we aren't feeling so worthless...from your H's point of view..."My wife loves me. She didn't leave me when I had an A. I must not be worthless." Well, that same reasoning got him into an A..."If OW doesn't think I'm worthless, then I must not be." And before that, so many permissions to act on that belief of worthless (which can be skewed to "harmless" or "powerless") that paved the way to the A. And his A with you, originally. So this belief is key to stopping addictions and emotional management. Very human, not defective or wrong...very damaging, though. And a great opportunity to learn with our partners...hey, I've had those thoughts, feelings and beliefs...what a minute..I still do! This is the side-by-side journey; not taking on what isn't ours, but sharing...which is growing together...by choosing to share. How great are you getting at thought awareness and choice? I was wondering from the other thread...because something just clicked in my mind this is biblical choice, also. I remember how often God shows us in the bible to choose our thoughts, choose where to dwell, choose where our focus is...not as admonishment, but also as a tool to thrive. I learned a lot of about my life by watching where my thoughts went...and then I grew when I pulled them off my pattern...to dwell a lot in what I could not control, what wasn't mine. And to acknowledge each time I did it, reaffirming that is what I want...what I really want. No longer to hide in what was "done to me" but in what I do. More freedom. This truly feels like prodigal moment in God's arms...over and over again...each choice of the way. I wonder if people fear that this is selfish and not God's way, if our thoughts dwell within us, on us...and I would say that this board gives the great symbol how actually doing this is what he asked of us, selflessness, human style. When our thoughts dwell within, on our stuff, and respect...then sharing ourselves changes everything...because this is me sharing myself and you call it aid, help and have a need. It's respectful of you...doesn't overtake your choices, shun or determine your life...it is truly going soul to soul. And it is far from selfless in the way I've previously perceived it. Mutuality isn't. Which leads me to say about you, that take a look at how you define your words which give you a view of your direction, so you are not led astray from what your heart fully desires...which has always been, to live from our beliefs. When you put down what you had been doing, you said "I don't want that." It had no real payoff...only false. That's what you saw. And that's what you're dealing with now. I believe that's what all humans are doing to get back to their created selves...finding our false payoffs turns off the addiction. I don't want that. From our thoughts and beliefs...how we change them...changes how we live, what we choose, and truly desire. And we got those addictions from telling our emotions, "I don't want that", which is like telling a puddle under a faucet to stop becoming a puddle. You're looking at the faucet now. Doesn't sound like a large shift...tilting your head three inches to the left...and it changes everything...because YOU changed. I have no doubt you will be off those pills within four weeks. Done. I want you to ask within your own body, melded in every molecule your emotional, mental, spiritual and physical...to help each other...feed each other, ease each other...seeing them in balance, equal, necessary. They are. And know that even as you make progress spiritually, your body is being healed...and emotionally (not managed), your body benefits...and mentally, you align all of this, believe all this and let go that the choice which told you that you were worthless because you felt that way. By the very act of taking it, you told your self it was defective or wrong...and by stopping, you are welcoming home your entire being. Side effects. For stopping and starting...deeper than the AMA can define. A process...and you're doing it. Share. LA
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LA, When were you not in my prayers, God's hands? Ask any time...hey, LA, did you stop praying for me? Okay... well I didn't want to assume that you were or weren't...you made me laugh on this though...like duh Jilly. However in an effort to start asking for what I need I just ask more and don't assume. See not about you or thinking you don't care about me asking for what I need. Since I am retraining self to ask for what I need I have to practice with all my R's even you trusted friend. I read your post on the other thread and am here to applaud your self-honesty...I didn't hear a smack of "what will they think" coating. Good job. And your realization that addiction is emotional management is again, your ticket out of addiction. Thanks...yep speaking truth all of it. Last night's sermon was spot on. We are still in the series "Experiencing God" This week it was about prayer. Pastor spoke about 3 kinds of prayers in relation to the story of Lazarus. First kind a flare prayer..."God SOS I have and emergency in my life." God answers prayers 3 ways. His answers are yes, wait, and no. Second kind of prayer he called better plan....understanding that God has better plan than we do and that it might not be what we think it should be. Like Jesus knew Lazarus was going to die but he didn't go right away because He knew raising him from the dead would achieve more results in terms of more people being reached by the miracle. Third kind of prayer...the what if prayer. This is where you come to pray not in a way that you think you should but where you know that God already knows your heart...your struggles all of it. He told a story of a young boy whose mother asked him to go get a broom from the backyard. It was dark outside and the boy was afraid. His mother told him that Jesus is always everywhere so he didn't need to be afraid. The boy goes out to the back door opens it and calls out "Jesus are you out there?" No answer..."Jesus if your out there could you hand me the broom?" Good analogy and segwayed into what is each of our broom? What are we afraid of. The what if prayer. God what if I hadn't lost my job...what if I hadn't cheated on my spouse...what if I wasn't addicted to drugs...what if my husband hadn't died. We can talk to God like we would a friend and ask the what ifs. The pastor talked about really tracing our fear...the fears from that what ifs and really asking ourselves what are we afraid of. What am I afraid of will happen if I stop taking drugs? He actually said that. (There are a lot of recovering addicts and people whose marriages who suffered infidelity etc. in our church.)Hmmm do you think maybe I needed to hear that message? Do I know that God sent me to the right church for me. Yes, I do. So it goes back to tracing the fear. What am I hiding from? Fear of feelings...emotional management through over medicating those feelings. I see it...I know what I do. The fear about those feelings reduces as I become more honest and present in my life. Doesn't mean I don't feel any fear because I do. Doesn't mean I don't send up flare prayers either because I still do some of that too. But I really get that God already knows our hearts and I do believe that biblically speaking God wants is to work toward being in His likeness which requires that we try to get healthy...emotionally and physically. This isn't being selfish...thinking of self or self centered at least not IMHO. Worthlessness...yep I get that too. Those feelings are the root of most addictions again MHO. The addiction temporarily eases those feelings but you have to maintain whatever you DOC is in order to keep away those feelings of worthlessness. This starts the shame spiral sequence...I feel worthless...I take meds that ease that feeling. Then I feel more worthless and more shame because I am an addict. The I take more meds to eliminate those feelings...bitter cycle. FH is right when he says Satan loves addiction because it takes us away from God and keeps us focused in the shame and worthlessness. I think Satan thrives on the shame based person and loves keeping them there...in the shame. He wants us to believe that God's love is conditional and that we are so messed up that God couldn't possibly want us. He has a large part of the population to go after since so many people are shame based. Satan wants us to remain shame based because again it keeps us away from God. Knowing that God knows all of our heart and all of our hurts is so comforting because it so reduces the shame and the fear. I feel like God is my sponsor. Some might think I need a real live person as a sponsor...maybe I do but I still truly believe God is the best sponsor I could have because he has no alterior motives and I cannot hide from Him anyway. When I confess to him when I slip I don't have fear in confessing and don't worry about feeling shame from Him because I know He already knows anyway. Does this make sense? As far as the xanax goes I am pretty much PRN on that already. I looked at that part of my addiction yesterday. Really thought about it and where I am with that one. I am only taking the xanax when I get tachycardia. I also realize at this point that most of the panic symptoms aren't about fear at this point. These symptoms are a side effect of the withdrawal process. They are a physical thing not an emotional thing so this one is going pretty well. I also see where I made a mistake with this. Stopping the xanax first then the klonopin because stopping the klonopin altogether at the same time will physically cause more side effects. I don't think that I am psychologically addicted to either the xanax or the klonopin just physically addicted. In some ways this makes getting off these two the easier of the battle. I hadn't taken any xanax for about 4 days. Then I chose not to take any klonopin for 2 days. This wasn't a good choice because this morning I woke up with tachycardia. I took half a xanax. I now get what my doctor is saying about the slower withdrawal from the klonopin. It is a long acting benzo so when I try to go to fast off of it then it produces the need to take more xanax. So back to doctor's suggestion to take the klonopin on a schedule and just reduce the dose but not the scheduled time yet. It is a process. The problem with all the benzo family of meds is that they produce gaba and then your body doesn't produce enough gaba on its own. Gaba is our body's natural benzo. It is what naturally stops the panic etc. My body has to learn to reproduce enough gaba on its own without help from meds. This isn't going to happen overnight because it took me 6 years of allowing a med to produce the gaba for me. I get it. At first I thought that getting off the benzos would be physically easier than the vicodin. I know see that maybe I had it backwards. Even thought the vicodin is my DOC the side effects of withdrawal are unpleasant they aren't really dangerous. I thought it would be harder because I like the vicodin more...I liked the way it made me feel more. However that said I haven't felt any "euphoric" feelings from vicodin for a couple of years when I really look at it. I probably would now if I took a whole bunch of it since I have reduced my dose so much but even in my backslides with it I haven't slid so far back as to take like 10 in a day. When I say backslide I mean maybe take 1 or 2 more than where I am targeted at in my w/d taper process. The side effects of w/d off the vicodin too rapidly are mostly just discomfort and I would say the one that I don't like to deal with the most is the "runs" issues. I know gross but true. This is problematic at work since I cannot just leave my classroom every five minutes to go to the bathroom. But I also know that I started waffling at this plateau. So I am making the next cut tomorrow. I am cutting 5mgs. I will have some side effects but I won't be in the bathroom that much. Each week I will cut 5mgs. I don't know if that will equal 4 weeks...maybe closer to 8 but if it is still ongoing at the Christmas break I am going to cold turkey it during that vacation because I can deal with those side effects at home. So I guess my goal is to be off of it completely before the new year. I know where my biggest temptation to overmedicate with the vicodin are happening too. They happen when I have my period. This is where the backsliding occurs and I recognize my pattern here and what I am doing. I feel more pain during my period then any other time during the month. This is where Satan is really tempting me. I see it and I know the only way through this is to deal with the physical pain. Part of the issue with my periods right now is that they are really irregular which is new for me. After D-day this is when they started becoming irregular. In June I had 3, July I had 2, Aug. I had 1, then in Sept. I was really late for me (like 35 days when regular for me is about 26 days) then in Oct. I got one 20 days after the Sept.one. After having the thyroid tests done...it is ruled out that that isn't causing the period issues. That is one of the symptoms of thyroid problems. I then considered the weight loss issue as it might be related but I don't think that is it either because if it was weight loss related I would most likely not be having any periods so I don't think it is that. Maybe it has something to do with withdrawing off the meds...maybe stress... I am not sure. I just know that whatever it is that is causing it doesn't justify taking more meds because I am in pain. I am just going to have to live with some pain. So when I ask myself what I am afraid of... I honestly think at this point with the pain meds I am afraid of the physical pain and not the emotional need to medicate. So how to deal with this? Okay accept I am going to have to feel some pain. No this isn't going to feel good but getting off will feel good so there is a payoff for going through the physical pain. The payoff is healthier emotional well-being so I since I want that I just have to keep reminding myself the physical pain will only be temporary. The end result of being med free will be so much more rewarding then the temporary reduction of pain. I pray about it everyday. God sees my heart. He knows what I want and He is there guiding me...accepting me. Giving me the strength to not give up and to keep going. It really is one day at a time. Which leads me to say about you, that take a look at how you define your words which give you a view of your direction, so you are not led astray from what your heart fully desires...which has always been, to live from our beliefs. When you put down what you had been doing, you said "I don't want that." It had no real payoff...only false. That's what you saw. And that's what you're dealing with now. I believe that's what all humans are doing to get back to their created selves...finding our false payoffs turns off the addiction.
I don't want that. Yes...LA that is exactly it. I don't want this anymore. I want to be clean. I see the false payoffs for just what they are...false. This is very very helpful. It helps to tell myself that. Is this what you want? No...okay so if no then what do you do? I know what I have to do. From the Garth and Trisha song... Hold on like there's no tomorrow.
There can be no sorrow,
Right here where we stand.
And living only for this moment
All we've ever wanted,
Is right here in our hands.
And some will say that we're sure to fall,
Try and build their walls between us.
No way over it, no way around it.
If we want it, we have to go through it.
Fight for a love and the world tries to break us down.
But the world will bend,
An' the fight will end.
Love will always win.
Hold on till we see tomorrow,
There is time to borrow,
Till we own our own.
Walk on and our hearts will lead us.
But our hearts will need us,
To be steady and strong.
So we can stand and face the fire.
Burning higher and higher.
No way over it, no way around it.
If we want it, we have to go through it.
Fight for a love and the world tries to break us down.
But the world will bend,
An' the fight will end.
Love will always win. I know this is a love song but it isn't about romantic love for me. It is about God's love for me. About having to go through it if it is what I want and since it is then there is no way around it other than to just go through it. From our thoughts and beliefs...how we change them...changes how we live, what we choose, and truly desire. And we got those addictions from telling our emotions, "I don't want that", which is like telling a puddle under a faucet to stop becoming a puddle. You're looking at the faucet now. Doesn't sound like a large shift...tilting your head three inches to the left...and it changes everything...because YOU changed. Couldn't be more true. Funny that we think the shift will be so big when in fact it really isn't. The shift is about being in the truth...staying in the present and aware...over and over aware. Not in the future of what might be...not in the past of what was, but in the right now of what is. And you're right I have changed. I have changed inside...deep inside. The hardest part is the choice...the rest is just the work...the day to day. The shift already happened. I have no doubt you will be off those pills within four weeks. Done. I want you to ask within your own body, melded in every molecule your emotional, mental, spiritual and physical...to help each other...feed each other, ease each other...seeing them in balance, equal, necessary. They are. And know that even as you make progress spiritually, your body is being healed...and emotionally (not managed), your body benefits...and mentally, you align all of this, believe all this and let go that the choice which told you that you were worthless because you felt that way. By the very act of taking it, you told your self it was defective or wrong...and by stopping, you are welcoming home your entire being. Okay I am really going to choose to try to do this. Really pay attention to all of what my body and mind are needing and how they are connected and how to work with that to keep going. I make no promises about weeks or days. I want to be clean. I will do what it takes to get there...one day at a time with God's help. I am not hedging out of a fear to set a date. I am choosing not to lock myself into what could potentially set myself up for failure and shame if I don't meet target date. I am just going to keep going forward...holding God's hand. He will continue to wrap me in safe harbor. I have total faith in Him and good faith in me. Side effects. For stopping and starting...deeper than the AMA can define. A process...and you're doing it. Share. This is so true so much deeper. One of the reasons I post music a lot is that during the last 6 or so years I sort of stopped listening to music on a regular basis. I think because music speaks to my heart on such a deep level always has. I think part of my trying to disconnect and not feel was to avoid it a lot because I didn't want to feel those feelings that music brought up...so now I am listening to music a lot. I find it therapeutic. I let myself feel those feelings that come with the music. It helps me connect to those feelings. It is a good thing. I am calling tomorrow to set up IC through the church. I am ready to take this step now. No more hedging on it. I can face all of it and look at it and deal with it. I am not afraid to go anymore. I feel I am ready now for IC because I am okay enough to be totally honest and vulnerable with it. I choose to separate the shame from the self and look at the shameful choices not as a reflection of authentic self but as choices made to avoid authentic self.
Maybe it is Rocket Science...
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LA, I have no doubt you will be off those pills within four weeks. Done. I want you to ask within your own body, melded in every molecule your emotional, mental, spiritual and physical...to help each other...feed each other, ease each other...seeing them in balance, equal, necessary. They are. And know that even as you make progress spiritually, your body is being healed...and emotionally (not managed), your body benefits...and mentally, you align all of this, believe all this and let go that the choice which told you that you were worthless because you felt that way. By the very act of taking it, you told your self it was defective or wrong...and by stopping, you are welcoming home your entire being. This week I started to really pay even closer attention to what I am doing in my recovery/ w/d taper process. Prior to this week I was just making cuts but not really looking that closely at when I was medicating during the day and even deeper why at that time. Hmmm think I learned more about myself, my addiction, my PAYOFF in it and sort of the triggers that cause me to backslide. This is really big. I thought that my biggest obstacle/most irritating side effect of the withdrawal was feeling sick part. I think that is partly true but I see something else. Actually my H is the one that pointed out this as a side effect of w/d. It is extreme fatigue. I mean so tired like you don't want to do anything...sleep. So I looked at that at the times I am medicating and noticed a trigger... a trend. When I start feeling really tired that is when I take during the day. So now I am going have to address that and how to cope with that feeling of fatigue. I see a couple of options. One is to push through the fatigue but I see irritability in this choice. I could also rest more when I am that tired but I cannot rest all the time. So it is going to be day to day hour to hour for the next haul of this recovery. I read that book by James Frey A Million Tiny Pieces...last year well before I was ready to quit but I did identify with a lot of what he said and I do remember in the book him talking about hanging on. I am going to have to hang on...one hour to the next. I called and set up IC for myself. I was radically honest with the counselor on the phone about the core issues I am facing. I start IC Monday. My H asked me to set up an appt. for us to go together to another counselor at the church who basically does addiction/crisis counseling triage. He sees you a few times and then he refers you to someone locally who he feels is best suited to help you with your issues including 12 step programs, drug counseling etc. I think this is a step in the right direction for us. We had an incident last weekend where I found something in the garage that was a trigger for the behavior my H was engaging in during his A. I am not sure how I handled it. I just walked in the house with the paraphernalia and gave it to my H and said you don't need this anymore do you? He said no but it caused shame. Maybe I should of just thrown it away but I felt like I needed to ask if he was still doing it. I haven't seen any signs that he is but still I felt a trigger...the desire to check up on...go through the garbage...look see if I could find something. I didn't like this feeling and I noticed I felt the strong desire to medicate this stress away. We talked through it...no DJ's no fights just honesty. I told him I didn't think he was doing it but I felt worried that the trigger brought out fear in me and then I realized something. I cannot control it anyway even if he was doing it (which I choose to believe he isn't) I just get to choose how I am going to react/ act. Just like with the rest of his addiction and my own we have no control over each other's choices. We can choose to be supportive but like you said...we cannot cure or fix someone else. We can only cure our own self with help. I see that I am going to have to really pay more attention and ask myself these questions. Is this really what you want or is it just what you want right now? Still have a choice to make but make it being aware. If I choose to then I am choosing to make myself feel better right now. Does this support my long term goal of recovery? Why do I want to take it right now? What am I afraid is going to happen if I don't? I have to talk to those fears...address them and yes continue to pray. My H asked me the other night to read scripture to him right before we went to bed. He hasn't asked me to do it like this before. I read Psalms...just kept reading to him until he fell asleep. The next day he asked me if he had fallen asleep while I was reading and I said yes. He said...I slept really good. That was really nice. I offered to do any night he wanted. It felt good for me too. I just finished reading Gary Chapman's book The Five Languages of Love. Have you read it. I can't figure out if I am an acts of service or quality time spent. My H is either words of affirmation or physical touch. Maybe both. I think I have shown love through acts of service but I wonder if that is because I held the belief that I needed to earn love...that it isn't something you just get. I like doing for others but I wonder if maybe that is built on false self and authentic self is really quality time spent? If you have read this book will you share insight about it. Some of the things in the book seemed like you LA so I thought maybe you might have read it but again...me no assume anymore so I am asking. An odd thing has happened to me in this whole process. I spent so much of my life filling up my plate with stuff to do...stay busy don't think. Now I just want to clear off my plate and do nothing and think a lot. Unfortunately I cannot just wipe the plate totally clean but I sure can cut it way back. I have mixed feelings about my graduate class. Part of the reason I started back this semester after taking the summer off was because I felt like if I didn't go back now I might not ever go back. Can you guess what I am thinking now? What if I didn't go back...would that be okay? Is this what I really want or is this what I think I should be doing or what I perceive other people think I should be doing (even if that isn't true...only my perception)? Or is this what I really want and the fatigue is wearing on me so I just don't want any additional obligations? What am I afraid of? What is the payoff for going or not going? What if I just need to be for awhile after this semester and think about what I really do want? What will my folks say...what about my boss and the people at the district level who are encouraging me to keep going? Do I really care what they think? Should I care? Now you can see...inside my head right now...my thought process. Maybe IC can help me focus on this career decision too. LA thanks for listening. One other thing...does the MB website sometimes run kind of slow...or is just on my end?
Maybe it is Rocket Science...
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Congratulations on getting IC set up! Big step, smart move and great self-care. Sounds like your awareness is getting comfortable being way up...losing a lot of the judgment which made it thoroughly painful to have it up before. More solid self-care... About the fatigue, the urge to sleep...I believe that is natural. It was my way, too...my way to disconnect, as you mention in your previous post...a dull-out, stop the input kinda thing. May I suggest more physical exercise to help you cleanse and retrain? Teaching your body to exercise while your brain relaxes...so when you do sleep, it is deeper, wider and has more release? I really hear you about filling up your plate...oh, me, too! And for various reasons, as you described. When my MC said, "You are a human being, not a human doing" I look like I'd been struck. Whoa. And becoming spatial adaptive really helped with my perception of my own voids...which is space, too. Being present was the way I approach the being, not doing...looking at my focus like a physical object; using my breathing, my own breath, to bring me here...right now. And lugging my concentration off others, over and over again and onto me. Here I am...saying that helped me. I am...helped me. Still does. Seems you are staying present and aware, and sharing...all that being is, don't you think? Don't forget to self-congratulate, mentally hug your self... And yes, MB has slowed down mightily this last week...I was just thinking about that yesterday, wondering if I'm that adaptive now, at retraining, that I forget to ask for something different! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> As for the Love Languages...oh, yes. Great book. And what I got I scrambled all over the place... Mine came down to gifts...because I see stuff as given, not earned now. So, gift of presence, tokens (symbols), gift of sharing (admiration, appreciation, conversation, attention)...gift of time... Yours can be service...serving is giving...same stuff. I think they are subtly woven into all of them...so I got all the separate languages (words of affirmation) and then spread them out like quilts... Think about physical touch...contains approval, acceptance, admirmation, connnection, appreciation...AWARENESS...so do acts of service, gifts... So I stopped comparing and increased my sharing...I shared my thoughts as words, which became words of affirmation (my own opinion) to my DH...and the same through affection...and demonstrating my awareness of his stuff...my choice to love, acts of service...acts of love...and listening (act of service) which he now really enjoys. And I stopped judging how well I'm doing because that's up to him to contribute his opinion...and up to me to NOT do that which I will resent, and continue to permit myself to express myself through my acts of love... See? And you worried your brains were loopy. ROFL... First I think chaos...then I break it all down...see each strand...then I toss them back together...to accept what was originally, remains the same, only now, understood and acknowledged. I'm not the one to ask about 5LOL...because I inhaled it and raved on it...and shared with my kids...DH...everyone...and came back around to it all...seeing it in all ways. I'm glad you asked though...what if seeing it in all ways gives me the broader avenue to feel it more? Hmmm. Thank you for asking. When you ask, I benefit. You might not... ROFL Btw, your urge to fill your plate will be equal to your urge to clear it off...all or nothing...go to the middle choice...the 90 degrees...good practice. You're normal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> LA
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LA, I feel good about setting up IC. It is time and I feel ready to take the next step into healthy recovery. You're right I am getting more comfortable living in truth and separating my identity from my actions. My choices from the past don't define me as a person. They are just choices...not good or bad. I am really trying to remove those labels...good/bad right/wrong/ etc. and just accept behaviors as just that behaviors. I don't have to like all the choices I have made but I also don't have dwell on them and live in the constant shame of what happened. I think if I were to choose to remain in the mindset of I made so many bad choices therefore I am bad person I will remain stuck in shame and like Bradshaw says...almost paralyzed. When I spoke to IC on the phone and she asked me about what issues I was dealing with I was honest. I said I was dealing with addiction (both my H and I) surviving infidelity...to which she asked who was unfaithful. I stated that my H had been but also that we had both been in our first marriages. Not because I wanted to defend my H's choice to be unfaithful this time but because I want total honesty in when we address this. I know part of my feeling is that I don't want unequal judgement...like poor you the BS. Yes, I am a BS and yes it hurts but I don't want that without also admitting and be accountable for my own choice to be unfaithful. I hope this makes sense. In other words I don't want to deal with partial truths. I want to deal with the whole picture... same with the addiction. I told her a bit about being adopted and that we were also dealing with some issues of second marriages and blended families. I want to do some of the Bradshaw regression work with her because there are some of the exercises from the book that I think will be easier to do with a therapist rather than by myself. My 3 main goals for therapy are to recover my marriage, recover from addiction, and to continue to move into my authentic self. About the fatigue, the urge to sleep...I believe that is natural. It was my way, too...my way to disconnect, as you mention in your previous post...a dull-out, stop the input kinda thing. May I suggest more physical exercise to help you cleanse and retrain? Teaching your body to exercise while your brain relaxes...so when you do sleep, it is deeper, wider and has more release? It's funny that you mention the exercise...my H and I were talking about this. In the past he has been pretty good about exercising while I really don't like to do it. I have a gym membership but I haven't gone in a long time. The one exercise that I do enjoy is walking outside. My H likes this too so it is something we can do together. I may need to do more than just this but at least that would be a start. I have been sleeping better..I think partially because I have less meds in my system...so the sleep is more natural. Because of the level of fatigue I feel I fall asleep much earlier than I had been. I used to function on average with only about 4 hours of sleep a day. I see know that the only reason I was able to do this was because I was overmedicated. I don't want this. I see that depriving myself of good sleep isn't healthy. Oversleeping or catch up sleep is what I used to do. I would function all week on about 4 hours and then Friday night when exhaustion set in I would go to sleep sometimes right after I got home from work as earlier as 4pm and then sleep all the way until about 10am the next day and then sometimes even take a nap Saturday too. I knew in part that sleep provided a disconnect for me... and I liked that but even then I knew my body was telling me that I couldn't survive on 4 hours. I am still not consistent with daily amount of sleep but I definitely overall sleep more regularly 7 days a week then so little sleep during the week and crashing and sleep marathoning on the weekends. I see there is a reason the body needs consistent sleep. My sleep habits before were not healthy for me. Go go go or sleep sleep sleep the either or the extremes... just part of the whole extremist mindset I was living. Staying busy to disconnect and sleeping to disconnect. I want to middle ground myself here. Have a healthy sized plate. We have talked before about the concept of laziness...and I think we share the idea that when someone appears lazy to others it most likely isn't true that the person is really lazy. I see laziness as depression or the opposite of manic...workaholic. If you look at it like that as polar extremes serving the same function as a means to attempt to disconnect. Truth is the emotions are still there no matter how hard or in which fashion we attempt to disconnect from them because like you said before we can never really escape from ourselves. Balancing is what I choose to try to do. I look at my housekeeping the extremes in that as well. I used to work myself so hard to try to keep the house spotless. Then after D-day I was so shut down I let the house totally go. At first the mess really really bothered me. Then I came to accept it as part of a reflection of the chaos of what was going on in our lives. Now I am starting to not like the mess and am trying to focus on balance with this and also allowing other people in the family to do more. I don't have to be the sole worker. Just because I speak the language of acts of service doesn't mean that I have to it all as a means of earning love. I really previously thought I should do it ALL. This wasn't healthy for any of us. Teaching my children that I am here on this earth to serve them at all times will not set up a healthy perspective for them when they develop their own R's. I want them to see that in a healthy family everyone contributes to the house. The family works together to achieve goals. I have given myself permission to hire outside help if necessary. Not something I would have ever considered before. I am glad that you read 5LOL's. I am grateful that you said that you see all the languages in yourself...and others...the quilt analogy I get that. I see them all and how they are interwoven. I also see many parallels in the concepts of this book and Harley's principles of meeting each other's EN's. Filling up the love bank or love tank...kind of the same idea and how meeting those needs for our partners etc. is so important. All 5 of the LOL's have to do with meeting EN's and in a way there is a correlation between HN/HN and the ranking system for ordering which needs are most important to each person. The 5LOL's are each within the 8 needs Harley writes about. I just saw a lot of similarities in the two...did you? So I stopped comparing and increased my sharing...I shared my thoughts as words, which became words of affirmation (my own opinion) to my DH...and the same through affection...and demonstrating my awareness of his stuff...my choice to love, acts of service...acts of love...and listening (act of service) which he now really enjoys.
And I stopped judging how well I'm doing because that's up to him to contribute his opinion...and up to me to NOT do that which I will resent, and continue to permit myself to express myself through my acts of love... I really relate to this. I cannot judge how I think I am doing because it doesn't really matter how well I think I am doing what matters is how he perceives his needs being met and vice versa. First I think chaos...then I break it all down...see each strand...then I toss them back together...to accept what was originally, remains the same, only now, understood and acknowledged. I'm not the one to ask about 5LOL...because I inhaled it and raved on it...and shared with my kids...DH...everyone...and came back around to it all...seeing it in all ways. I'm glad you asked though...what if seeing it in all ways gives me the broader avenue to feel it more? So true...nothing changes that much...what changes is the way we see it...experience it...share it... accept it. My H and I had an interesting talk the other day. He said as he w/d off the meds he gets glimpses of authentic happiness. He sees the difference between authentic sober happiness and medicated false feeling good. He said even though the glimpses aren't frequent they do give him hope and those few glimpses are so much more real than any medicated false sense of well-being. I related to that because I see it too and feel it. I think holding tight to those authentic moments will help us to continue to choose recovery. Back to the whole do I really want this or do I want this right now. What supports my long range goal? I appreciate you and your insight so much and thank you for the quality time spent...and I accept that you get something out of this too...when I tell myself I am taking from her...I remind myself it is reciprocal. It is give and take...the sharing....the mirror. The whole concept of sharing...it isn't just giving or just taking it is both and that is healthy. I don't just want to take or give. I want 90 degrees. So thank you for sharing and teaching me about sharing. I just wanted to share with you that it means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me. PS...when I said that about MB seeming slow I meant that it seems like the pages are loading slower etc. But I see what you are saying too...slower in terms of traffic. I was just wondering if anyone else's web connection seemed slower and if it was just on my end.
Maybe it is Rocket Science...
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JJ, "Have a healthy sized plate." I love this phrasing. Yes, I saw a lot of similarities in 5LOL and Harley's beliefs. They complemented one another with different words very much. And yes, I meant MB had been loading its pages really slowly...and as of today, it's picked by up. I knew it was an MB problem. Guess I didn't convey that well. Thank you for the great update on your sleep, setting up the counseling and letting me here what you and your H are sharing with each other. About authentic happiness...yes, that glimpse has an impact...first time we may really be telling our old brains, "This! This is what I want!" Which is the first step to getting it. Our old brains do not consider happiness...not a goal...very simple on/off switches...Is it safe? Will I die? (talk about where our all or nothing perspectives come from ) Will it nuture or harm? I'm reading "Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix. My new brain has been lighting up again...lots of confirmation in the book and some of the same material here on MB...from another set of eyes and experience. More sharing. These self-help books are like really long posts to me..."Here's what I believe" books...and so much more clicks and clicks again. I love these people who take their time, energy, ego risk to write to share...so we can. And we pass it on...and on and on... No wonder God made the world circular. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Happy Halloween with your kids, JJ. I'll be thinking of you. LA
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LA, Last weekend I lost a really long post to you and I just accepted it...that it was gone. At first I felt really disappointed because I had spent a lot of time on it and then poof it was gone even after I had pasted it into a word doc trying to be careful not to lose it and then when I cut to paste it back I didn't copy and then when it asked me if I wanted to save I said NO...ummm note to self in the case of "do you want to save?" Just say Yes!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> After the initial irritation at myself for losing post...I thought about it and thought maybe just maybe I was supposed to think some more on what I was thinking about/processing in the lost post. I did need more time... During my IC appt. this week we processed something that I have been struggling with. Actually I was part of the way there in the lost post to you but not completely. I started to connect something...you know how I have been struggling with the idea of forgiveness for Hassle... well I started wondering if maybe somehow it was tied into my own sense of forgiveness for my A. Like somehow if only I could forgive Hassle then somehow I would be worthy of Jesus forgiveness... the idea of forgiveness for me. IC asked me whose job was it to judge myself...be my own jury? Why could I see that Jesus can and does forgive others but somehow I continue to deny myself of His forgiveness? I had asked Jesus to forgive me...prayed about it many times...yet somehow I was still not there yet. Still judging myself by my standard of forgiveness instead of His. Although I have done a lot of inner work and have made some good strides toward better self worth...it is a process and some things although they are so simple like accepting Jesus forgives us with a kind of forgiveness that we are not really capable of grasping. That His love is the kind of love that we are never really any of us going to be good enough to deserve. I don't mean this in a shameful way but in awe inspired kind of way. My IC helped me understand this by explaining that God from the get go has always had a better plan. He knew from creation on that we were going to sin and that He was going to have to find a way to bring us back to reconnect us to Him. His way was Jesus. He knew he was going to send His son to pay for our sins because in His infinite wisdom He knew there was not another way or a better plan. She went on to tell me the story of David and Bathsheba. She told it to me like this. David was special to God and was chosen to be king because of his heart. He had a very good heart but David really messed up. He saw a beautiful woman and asked one of his men to bring her to him. His man told him that she was the wife of Uriah the Hittite. David sent for her anyway and slept with her and she became pregnant. She sent word to David that she was pregnant and then David sent for Uriah who was off fighting in the war. He asked Uriah how the war was going and then tried to get Uriah to go home for the night and sleep with his wife but Uriah slept outside the palace entrance with all the servants and didn't go home to sleep. The next day David asks him why he didn't go home to sleep and Uriah basically says he won't because his men are out in the fields fighting the war. So then David gets him drunk and again tries to get him to go home and sleep with Bathsheba and again he sleeps outside the palace. When his plan fails he then sends word to put Uriah on the frontlines where he will for sure be killed. Uriah dies and after Bathsheba mourns for him, David brings her to live with him at the palace and she becomes his wife and bares his son. But God is not happy with David at all. David's trusted advisor Nathan (also a prophet of God) is sent by God to rebuke David for his sin with Bathsheba. Nathan tells David that God is very disappointed with David not only for the sin of adultery but for then trying to cover it up by first trying to get her husband to sleep with her so it looks like she got pregnant by him and then when that didn't work he had him killed. So basically David was an adulterer, a liar, a schemer, and a murderer. He has done all of this secretly and manipulatively. Nathan tells David that God is going to bring calamity to David's house. That David's wives will cheat on him in broad daylight before all of Israel. Finally, David says, "I have sinned against the Lord." Nathan tells David that the Lord has taken away his sin and he will not die. His life will be spared but that his son with Bathsheba was going to die. After this David's son did become sick and David pleaded with God for the child. He stopped eating and spent his nights lying on the ground. He would not be comforted. This went on for 7 days and the child died. David's servants were afraid to tell him because of the way he had been acting for fear he would do something desperate. Eventually David figured out his son was dead and instead of mourning he got up, bathed, put on clean clothes and went in and WORSHIPPED the Lord. After that he ate. His servants were confused by his actions. They asked why when his son was sick he mourned but after he died David got up and ate. David said that while the child was sick he fasted and wept because he thought maybe the Lord might show him grace and spare the child. After his son died David accepted that there was nothing he could do to bring that child back. (He accepted that this was a consequence of his sins.) I now really see why my IC wanted to tell me the whole of this story. She stopped there and talked to me about sin and consequences and forgiveness. She said Jilly, Jesus forgave David...he slept with another man's wife and got her pregnant, he plotted against her husband first by trying to get him to sleep with his wife and make it look as though she was pregnant with her husband's child and then when that plan failed he plotted to have him killed. Jesus forgave David because Jesus loved David and David repented. Consequences don't always happen the way we think they will or the way other people think they should. They happen according to God's plan... She said Jilly...Jesus loves you THAT much too and he has already forgiven you. Then she went on to tell me the rest of the story. After David repented and was forgiven, he comforted his wife Bathsheba and God blessed their marriage and gave them another child...this son was Solomon...the wisest of all the kings. My IC asked me if I wanted to pray with her and again ask Jesus to forgive me and accept that the blood of his sacrifice IS enough to cover all of my sin past, present, and future. We prayed and I accepted Jesus again this time with a deeper understanding of how much He really does love me...just as much as He loved David and just as much as He loves all of us. She told me that in all of her years of counseling that she has never done this with any of her patients...witnessed to them at that level and prayed with them to accept Jesus. Not that she hasn't done this before with someone before (she is the wife of the pastor of our church so in that capacity of her life she has prayed with many people...just that this isn't the usual course her therapy takes.) I choose to believe that it not necessary to question why this happened for me in therapy the way that it did but just to accept that this was God's wish...his plan for me. Because I have struggled so much with trust issues...fear of abandonment, belief in God but a lack of faith (and though I really thought I had accepted Jesus' forgiveness) I accept that this is my process...that maybe it is the reason that there was a waiting list for the other therapist that I was trying to get in to see...I was supposed to go to THIS therapist...this woman who could help me to receive Christ. This isn't what my other IC appt. was like. The first appt. was more like traditional therapy where I talked about my issues about my A, my H's recent A, my struggle with addiction, and other issues...enmeshment etc. I think this is the right IC for me...I felt that way after the first session even before what happened this last time. My H went to his IC appt. too. He had asked me to go with him for moral support and I had agreed to go. On the night before his first appt. he started hedging about going..."I'm not ready..." I chose to let him say what he felt without rescuing him. I didn't offer to cancel the appt. This is what he thought I would do since this would have been my past behavior. To bail him out...to cancel the appt. tell him it was okay not to go etc. I didn't... I said if you don't feel ready to go then don't go but I am going to go to the appt. because I committed to go with you and so I will go even if you don't go. I am not upset with you and I accept that if you don't feel ready to go that that is your choice but I am going to go. The morning of the appt. he was still hedging. I just calmly restated that I was going to go but his choice was his. He wound up choosing to go. In the car he asked me to NOT talk about my issues in this appt. since this was his appt. and that he just wanted me to go for moral support. I agreed and when we went in we explained that I was really there for moral support only and that the session would focus on my H and his issues. He chose to discuss his addiction issues. He didn't discuss either A. He did state to the counselor that he had hurt me and the kids tremendously but he didn't discuss how. I am not sure why he chose not to disclose this. I am not upset that he didn't because this is his IC... and he needs to deal with the issues he chooses. He feels that he can go to his IC appts. by himself now and that he really just wanted me to go with him the first time so he could feel supported while he checked it out to see what it was going to be like. His IC is a recovering(ed) addict and also through our church so I think this is probably a good person for him to see for now. Since his IC only does basically crisis counseling and then helps you find other IC in the area that matches your needs my H will see him a few times and then he will make a recommendation. I feel secure in the decision to seek IC for both of us. I also met with my doctor and further discussed my desire to get off of the prescription meds and she worked on a plan with me. I feel good about the decision to work both with IC and my doctor in tandem to deal with the med issues. Both have provided good support and are neither judgmental nor critical of me about my addiction issues. It is one step at a time...one med at a time until I am off the ones I have used to try to disconnect from my life. Both IC and my doctor said that I may need a mood stabilizer but we won't know until I get off and see where I am. So this is what I have been up to. I have been up and down physically but emotionally and spiritually I feel connected. I realize now that I am going to have to eat more and exercise to feel better physically. I have been sleeping well because of the fatigue I no longer have insomnia regularly. I am still working on my healthy sized plate. So LA...how are you? What are you learning? You mentioned reading Hendrix...how is that book...I almost got a book by him last time I was at the bookstore. What do you feel positive about in your life right now? If I am being too nosy you can always tell me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> My H and I's anniversary is on Saturday. Unfortunately he has been off work most of this week because he has been sick so I don't if we will do much to celebrate. I feel okay about that too. Even if we just give each other a card and spend the day together that will be okay with me... Funny when you see the world and yourself with a new perspective that things you once thought so important aren't that important and things you took for granted really do matter...and are so much more important than you thought.
Maybe it is Rocket Science...
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JJ,
Seems to me you're building your trust in yourself...allowing yourself to be open, led to where your true self needed to go...and heard with your soul. Great choices for self-care. Please know and seem them as yours...they are.
Congrats on the better sleeping, too...when we tend to our spiritual needs as well as the rest (and I see you as doing that), our sleep comes, too...not all physical, not all emotional or mental...all we are is the combination...so caring for all of us nourishes us.
I believe your choice to go with FWH to his IC the first time was solid self-care. Didn't make you more powerful than him...just a choice to be present, to fill his request. He is as capable and whole as you are. And you're both making your way to that understanding. Big kudos.
Thank you for your questions about me. I'm thrilled with "Getting the love you want". I really recommend it. This was a man who began as a minister...and became a marriage therapist and researcher.
Big question...what am I learning now...thank you for bringing that to my own mind in that way. I'm learning in a new way that today is really okay...seeing a lot of God signals in my life...how much awareness and time heals...not time alone...and how much less fear I feel.
I'm loving my life very much today...I was privileged to see how much my daughter-in-law is loved by her friends yesterday, at her Blessing Way for my soon to be here granddaughter. I got to see a power of women to be courageously honest, deeply sincere and very present for someone else. And I got to be one of those women.
You guys got married on Veterans' Day? Hmmm. How'd that happen? LOL
I love your new awareness and perspective...how much more loved and cherished you feel because you are doing that, acting on that, for yourself...and your marriage. Gratitude gets us in touch with reality...and comfortable with it...so you'll know when your awareness drops, what you take for granted, is a signal you're not so much in today, in reality, are you?
All this change...seems miles wide and long...is just three inches to your left. Awareness, ownership, gratitude, honesty and love...all parts overlapping...creating the upward spirals we've always wanted. Share your stuff, JJ...with FWH...you're worth it. Great way to worship God is through sharing his creation.
LA
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LA,
saved for another time.
Focus on your healing.
Respectfully,
Jilly
Last edited by justjilly; 11/21/06 01:46 AM.
Maybe it is Rocket Science...
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 566
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Posts: 566 |
LA,
saved for another time.
Focus on your healing.
Last edited by justjilly; 11/21/06 01:44 AM.
Maybe it is Rocket Science...
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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Joined: Nov 2004
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How 'bout now? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Update me on your meds status...how are you doing...how are the holidays affecting you? 'Cuz the healing is gonna take a long, long time. LA
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LA, I am so sorry about your mom. It is a huge loss and I don't have any words because it is just so deep... still very deep for me although not the stabbing pain it once was. This is the last post I wrote to you and saved. Most of it is about the FOO. I am struggline with depression right now. I will address the question about meds you asked in my next post. LA,
I am still working through some of the Bradshaw book again. I see that I am going to need to read parts of this book several times and repeat some of the exercises again. I see that my progress isn't going to be linear. This is sort of a newish idea for me. In general I would say I am a fairly sequential person. I have spent a good part of my life subscribing to the mindset of ...my life will begin when this happens. This happening has been...when I finish school, when I get married, when I start career x, when I, when I, when I, when I what? My life started 38 years ago. Huh?
I have been revisiting some old ghosts...ones I would have like to never see again, but realize denying certain things happened will not allow me to heal from them. I am going to have to look at those scary things...and deal with them so I can move forward. Denying...hiding from the shameful secrets that I have carried and pushed down so deep never really made them go away. There still there...causing shame. The most shameful thing I am finding about it is that somewhere deep down I told myself I must have deserved that to happen to me. Why? Because I believed for so long that I was inherently bad...damaged goods.
This makes sense to me when I think about why I would continue to judge myself...not allow myself to accept that Jesus' sacrifice is enough for me too. Arrogant belief...? Or is what seems arrogance a front... a mask worn as the false self to cover up for the authentic self that believed...maybe still struggling to believe that in fact I am good enough...worthy enough. Or maybe it is really arrogance. I don't really know.
I see that there are things in my life that I have done that I didn't really want to do. Times in my life when I was so easily influenced to disregard the part of me that said no...stop this isn't really what you want. Dangerous situations I allowed myself in. I see know however that there was a voice in me...one that said NO. My question is why I chose to ignore that voice. What I choose to see now is that I didn't think that voice deserved merit. Like Glenda the good witch said to Dorothy, "You have always had the power to go home." I have always had the power within me to say NO but why I chose to deny that power lies in the shame of what I believed about myself.
In the book the Primal Wound... it describes two types of course adoptees often take. Course one...the perfectionist and course two...the screw up. I have lived on both courses wavering back and forth. No 90 degrees either or...all or nothing.
In course one I tried to do everything right...if I could just be perfect (or at least do everything I could to appear that way) then I would be worthy of my dad's love.
In course two I pushed the limit as far as I could to make my mom prove that she loved me.
I have wavered between these two courses for much of my life. No such concept of 90 degrees.
In elementary and junior high school I worked to get the top grades... to be the best, the smartest. Arrogance...or fear. If I wasn't at the top of my class then someone might figure out I wasn't as smart as they were. Always in competition with others...always competing to be the best. What was the payoff and what was the consequence? The payoff was that the teachers told my mom how smart I was...that my test scores were off the charts. However at the same time I was acting out socially. I was disruptive...loud, obnoxious. The teachers would tell my mom she is so bright but her behavior is awful. This oxymoronic behavior would continue. What was I really after... attention I believe. Didn't matter to me if it was negative or positive attention just that I needed it. It was like feeding a monster.
In high school I worked hard to get the worst grades I possibly could...with a few exceptions. I look at where these exceptions were... senior year I was failing algebra yet I had the highest grade in my Spanish class. Teachers were baffled and so were my parents. How could I be doing so well and so poorly at the same time. I look at the teachers of those classes and the answer is very clear to me now. I knew my Spanish teacher liked me. Despite a reputation for being a pain in the a** which she was well aware of...I behaved in that class. I studied, paid attention, and was not disruptive. Why? I see it so clearly now... that teacher was proud of me. She was forever defending me to other teachers who complained about me. I knew this fact because my stepmom also taught at that school.
Of course then my parents wanted to know why I could do so well in Spanish and be miserably failing algebra. Was it because I was so horrible in math? Well I certainly believed that about myself. I also believed that my algebra teacher didn't like me. He probably didn't really dislike me... he was probably just tired of dealing with my disruptive behavior...not just mine but years of disruptive kids. Was I a self fulfilling prophecy? Did I become whatever it was that I thought someone else believed about me? I barely made it through high school.
When I went to college there was a subtly hidden agenda. My dad was paying for school and I had learned early on that the way to earn my dad's love was to be successful. So I graduated college summa cum laude while working full time.
When I look at some of the other circumstances around this time frame in my life I see some other stuff too. I had lived with my mom since my parent's divorce. There was a huge discrepancy between my parent's lifestyles. Financially my dad was very successful. My mom although she had a good job and made a decent salary was not even close to my dad's lifestyle. I heard my dad and more specifically my stepmom criticize my mom's financial choices...and really ultimately her life choices. I felt a lot of resentment toward them, but any and every time I tried to defend my mom it was a no win situation. A very subtle (or maybe not so subtle message was sent to me...your dad is successful and your mom is irresponsible.) How long had this been going on...this polarity? I see now that I have witnessed this kind of either/or black/white good/bad right/wrong mindset for as long as I can remember.
During college, my mom decided that she wanted to move away to a city a couple of hours away. I was about 21 or so. I was still living at home. I was dating my first husband at the time. I was given the choice of moving away with my mom or moving in with my dad and staying in school here. This wasn't an easy choice for me. I didn't want either option. I was really mad at my mom for what I felt like was her abandoning me...and I wasn't thrilled about moving in with my dad either but I did.
It was during the time I lived with my dad that I went through a phase of being really angry with my mom. It didn't help that I had my stepmom there fueling my insecurity. Let me make it clear that I love all of my parents very much... thus the enmeshment is very strong. During the time right after my mom moved (she had lived most of her life after her divorce from my dad focusing the majority of her time and energy on my sister and I.) that she went through a self evolvement phase. She joined EST like seminars and I watched my mom change a lot. I accept now that she had every right to pursue her own life...to feel better about herself. But then... I felt abandoned by her new life. My stepmom made some hurtful comments about how often my mom was NOT calling me etc. This just fueled the belief that in fact she had left me.
It was also during this time that my stepmom started making some pretty outlandish comments. Things like maybe my sister (my mom and dad's biological child) wasn't really my dad's because my mom had so many miscarriages while trying to get pregnant with my dad that maybe she had secretly gotten pregnant by someone else. She went as far as to say that my sister doesn't really look like my dad... although my dad sort of would step in and say... oh quit saying stuff like that it's ridiculous of course she's mine. She's built just like my mother. My stepmom continued with her outlandish ideas...that maybe my sister was gay because she didn't have a long term boyfriend etc. Completely false... I was always on the defensive. I felt like my dad didn't stick up and defend either. And then of course there was the clincher that I was my dad's favorite. Maybe she thought this would make me feel good. I know now that she is totally a shame based person herself.
Later in my life she would go on to make comments like (when my daughter was still a baby) that when was my sister going to get married and give my dad a BIOLOGICAL grandchild. Because I have known her so long...they have been married most of my life...I have learned that she doesn't really mean to be mean when she says these things...she just is really clueless. Her own mother was ill and an invalid most of her life so she didn't have a solid role model of a mother growing up.
I look at my dad and my stepmom's relationship. I have watched her praise and exalt my dad and his virtues over the years...raising him to an almost Godlike figure in her mind. She doesn't just do this with my dad...she does it about us too. We are either in her good graces or fallen from (not where you want to be) the pedestal she places us on. What do I recognize from some of my own inner work... when I read 5LOL's I knew she is a words of affirmation person.
When she tells me or my dad tells me that I am more like her than any of the rest of my siblings (even though I am adopted) I am both horrified and relieved. Why am I relieved...I see why. It says I belong...acceptance.
When reading Bradshaw I see the roles we have been assigned within the family. I see the ones my sister, stepsisters, stepbrother, and I have been assigned or taken on. What is my role... in IC my counselor and I were discussing my work toward my master's degree and discussing whether it might be an option for me to take a semester off school so that I had less on my plate and more time to work through some of my issues with less pressure.
Working full time and taking a graduate class (these classes require a boatload of work outside the class too) while being a full time mom, a wife in the process of recovering her M, a person trying to do the inner work so that I can stop trying to disconnect from my authentic self and get real...and to reclaim my sober self and working on developing my faith and my R with God. All of these things take time. I don't have a healthy sized plate right now. It is perhaps too full.
We discussed where I might be able to cut back in my schedule to allow me to free up some time for myself. She asked where I might be able to cut something out. Logically a break from the graduate program would make sense. When we discussed this I had anxiety about it. When she probed about my fear...I said my parents will be disappointed. She asked why. I said because they want me to further my education. They want me to get my master's degree. When she asked me why I thought this was so important to them...I had to really think about it. My answer kind of surprised me. I said I think it is about the prestige.
I like my IC because she doesn't make my parents out to be bad people. She understands enmeshment very clearly. She was able to probe further and ask me if I thought that my parents wanted me to be happy or would want what is best for me. I said of course I thought that in fact they do. We were able to deduce for them career success is equated with respect in the community, financial security, accomplishment, job satisfaction etc. Understanding that these things would be seen by my parents as in my best interest (and not that many of them aren't) then I can choose to look at why career prestige is important to them and more importantly if it is important to me and if it is why is it.
What is or has been my role or roles (my script) in my family been? I am the only child in my family that has followed in my parent's career path of education. I have more education than any of my siblings. I feel now and have felt for quite some time the pressure to move up the educational ladder. My dad was the hero of his own family...the sibling who went on to achieve the most academic and financial success. He has a PhD. It has been suggested to me over the years that that is perhaps the career path I too should be on. What is the payoff for me? What is the driving force in me that wants desperately to please my parents and make them proud of me? Could it be acceptance? Could it be that if I do these things I believe they will love me more...want me more...accept me more? If I am successful by these criteria will I be worthy enough?
I told my IC that I felt that my parents in fact will be disappointed and show disapproval if I chose to take time off from school. Maybe they won't. She asked me if I felt it was even necessary to tell them if I chose to take a semester off... I will have to tell them. Last year they gave each of my siblings and me a substantial amount of money for Christmas. There was no specification of how the money was to be spent however they did ask what we planned to do with it. Yes, this is a test. There are always strings with money where my folks are concerned no matter how much they say there aren't.
I have not decided yet what I will do next term as far as continuing school goes. I have to decide first off all if I actually want this degree. Prior to D-day I was sure that this is what I wanted but after all of this I am not sure. I think it is going to have to be okay for awhile to sit with the idea that I am not sure what I want in terms of this decision and to think about it for awhile. I have until February to decide if I want to take the spring semester course. It is also not really fair for me to try to judge what my parent's reaction will be until I actually talk to them about it. I need to stay in the present with this...not in the future of what I think they might do or in the past of what they have done.
So I continue with my effort to stay in the present. Not to live in what might happen or what has already happened. Allowing myself to face the past with the knowledge that it doesn't have to define me. That I can deal with those issues and leave them behind. This isn't easy for me LA...to try to be present in every moment but I do think this is where I want to be.
There are some pretty difficult issues that I am going to confront in IC. Things that aren't things I really want to think about and things I have pushed down for a very long time. I don't want to think about them because they are shameful... things that have happened to me that were within my control and things that were outside my control as well. Things I maybe thought I deserved because of shame that no one ever deserves. But the time has come to release these ghosts that have served to keep me down. Time to accept what you said...that God doesn't make junk...that we are unique and special and beautiful creations of our maker.
Thank you for listening and for helping me grow.
Maybe it is Rocket Science...
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Thank you, Jilly... Would you consider that your struggle with depression can be found in your post and history? Anger turned inward...give yourself kudos for already working on these issues, the marks from the past, because I believe that's exactly what you're doing. I found the stunting part of shame was in me, my true self, versus my self-image...mixed in with my wishful child. When I recount my history to myself, I change my perception to look for what was...not what should have been. And I use seeing my selves from pictures of each time, and hugging them, knowing they were doing the best they knew how with what they knew then. Helps my present. It's all I can do right now...and I've learned I have no imagination large enough to know all I will learn tomorrow, or the next year. You have some symbols in your life...would you consider your stepmother is most like your own inner voice? The one who has shamed, chided, disuaded and condemned? Sounds odd to have a blessing on the outside to mirror what's going on the inside...can easily feel like real resonation...that she speaks the truth...when it's false resonation...because it is only mirroring your critic inside. How about with school...that your Dad's love language is gifts...money...so to keep going is partially about continuing to receive his love...when he loves you, anyway, and expresses it in a monetary way...his very desire for you to achieve addresses his own desire for security...for him...because it is the one cornerstone he has and had in his own FOO? So when you hear them say stuff about success, hear love, instead...hear security...to help clarify your own path...know your own languages. Choosing your perception is crucial now...you've been awakening and aware of so much...you'll naturally perceive in the old way, from habit...how you trained your brain...stay concious you choose how to interpret your world...through your own filter. That 90 degrees begins with how you choose to perceive. I encourage you to own your words more...insert your choice to retrain your brain to hear your own power...which is "I chose to allow her influence"...rather than you being influenced. Flip over your thoughts, gently, firmly, to your new truth...you allow levels of influence...get to know this power...there is a LOT of acceptance overlap in wanting to accept another person and feel like you are by accepting their influence. One is not the other. I think part of your depression is also in you acting from your beliefs...setting your priorities...marriage, children, work (school), FOO...or marriage, children, FOO, work (school)... Putting marriage first is placing The Marriage first, then you and husband equally...then DD...then the rest. This doesn't mean school plummets...once you establish what you believe is necessary for a great marriage...rule of time, protection, etc...convert those to time...and do the same for DD, then you'll know if you can really meet your own priorities well with school. And you may discover you can. Or you may discover where you self-deceived...which is okay...because that was then...and the act of prioritizing without judgment IS an act for your marriage NOW. I noticed something in your post...about easy and hard. You're really aware of your own polarity...in your perspective and perception...when you use these judging words, you affect what you're telling your brain...helped me to go with what is and what isn't...not adding the judgment...tied into my own EN of admiration...if I did something I'd designated hard...then I could reward myself; if it was easy, I couldn't. Totally left out, that way, that I was acting from my choice to love...hence, that I acted from my beliefs. Which is where real self-respect and confidence comes from. Each time we are aware of acting from our belief, we build that level in ourselves...not judging easy or hard, because that judges us as good or bad...dropping the judgment helped me get to my true wants and desires...because shoulds and shouldn'ts are tools of judgment...got in my way, signalling me they were there through indecision or turmoil. Signals. I know depression well...and what changed this near-pattern in my life, reduced this behemoth to a mouse...was checking my true goals...my desire for clarity, not action (I used to get them in reverse order from my pleaser); my real desire for awareness, not judgment (same reverse order tripped me up); and my desire not to be happy, but to be really present and full of worship...well, that really got me all I wanted...in me. I'm glad you're still pursuing the self-help books...gently probe your own self-doubt and find the false payoff in it...where it comes from...to know, not to measure, blame or judge. It's like your life taught you to fix a your car with a hammer (judgment) and now you're learning to fix it with a screwdriver. Love your tools...all of them are necessary...be aware of what you're reaching for and if it's what you really want. I've been thinking about this in regards to your meds, as well. Tools...to block signals...I think your addiction is linked to self-image...and true self doesn't need them...where you tried to physically force a balance within yourself, when your authentic self was already balanced. Knocks us even further out of balance, betrays self further, and understanding your real motivation would go a long way to understanding and acceptance...and feeling your real power. Acceptance...which you wrote many times...was at my base, too...and I couldn't force self-acceptance...I had to dismantle self-image first...bless all it's parts as I took it apart, and while I was doing that, accept others as is...no measuring or judgment...the more I accepted others, the more I could accept myself, my past... Another healing realization I've recently had is that adoption doesn't matter...given how deeply enmeshed, how deeply I love my parents...we truly make our own families, take on our own heritage...and if this is what I feel...then I know...without reservation...others love this same way...my parents did...without earning...because they chose to love whether they knew it or not...and loved me as deeply, too. My choice of perception...to know that God did not design blood thicker than water...truly thick as time spent, honesty stated and forgiveness at the ready. We build our anchors, not take them. I don't believe God built into his design any shortcuts...like being born of makes things easy...once you take out the judgment...it's a level playing field. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I believe I was as much a gift to my mother as she was to me...I was as necessary...and to my father as well. God's plan...to all of our benefits...and until I got my wishful child perspective and saw it for what it was...a place of control which caused me much pain and lost me much joy...I couldn't feel as well loved as I was. And I believe I needed to get this now, as I face the loss of my father...he's doing better today...might be released tomorrow...before I could actually have a great relationship with him now...for however long I am privileged to have it...instead of dwelling, as I did on Friday, in feeling ripped off. Acceptance...adamant two-way street...keeps flowing back and forth whether we see the traffic or not...our choice to acknowledge, know and grow...love doesn't have ancestors...every ancestor loved. LA
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