Seems to me, you're diverting into his inventory...funny how we take our partners inventory many, many times in our marriages.

I'm wondering if you slipped back into a mindset you had previously...where POWS' actions are related to you...reflect somehow on you.

and your belief that you did stuff you didn't want to do

What was the key to POWS' choices? Justification. If that card is justification for you...is that reality? Healthy? Of benefit to you?

It hit me so hard b/c I know that he's not living there...TBH, I don't care where he is...but I care that he's a sorry human being who will not allow us to live in the house...the only time that he's there from what I understand is to pick up something or when he has the kids...

[color:"red"] Okay, you got hit inside...listen to the hit. He's abandoned your home. Consider this first, before going further. He abandoned you with his A, historically chose to abandon in tiny ways...seeing the house in such neglect was bringing that fully to you...more abandonment...which triggers our control urges, doesn't it? To make someone NOT abandon...that bit of fantasy which bites our butts long distance. Quite a range. Reasonable to feel anger after the pain, and the natural fear of not being able to control him.

Now, consider the additional abandonment...because you see him as choosing to not only not allow you to live there, even when he's not...maybe cherishing, as he said, the house above you and the kids? That has to hurt. I get that. Your feelings are valid...your anger is coming from the pain of realizing his choice in broad daylight, and having no control over it. Take the symbol there and break it down this way...so you can see YOUR choices better.

What would happen if you moved back into the house tomorrow? There isn't a document, is there, that states you cannot? The restraining order is around you, isn't it? I'm curious and clueless here. I'm looking to your choices, not his.

Going with the symbol further...you were entertaining opportunities to get your own place, your own house, on your own earlier this year...and they didn't come through...those specific opportunities. Your desire remains...it's yours. To create and hold your own symbol of family, shelter, a place in the world. Yours. Acknowledge this desire...Because you said he can have the house...in exchange for your share of it, didn't you? So it's not the house...it's you not having your place, correct?

Yes, he is acting against you...which isn't abandonment. He knows he is actively punishing you in all the ways he can. Accept his choices...they aren't coming from what you did...they are coming from who he chooses to be. [/color]

I don't consider that living there...

yes, the house and yard is a mess...it means that I will have pleaty of work to do when I get there...

[color:"red"] Rin, why? Why choose to believe you will have plenty of work to do...why not sit yourself in the actions you can take now and see all your possibilities? You are reaping emotional signals from what isn't right now. You know this. Choose better. You aren't there. You don't know the state of the house when you get there, nor if you will choose to move back in. There are days for God's work and your choices to effect the future. [/color]

Thank God, not by myself...I have friends who are willing to help me out... [color:"red"] Here is a God message for you from within you...you see WS's abandonment and you then you see where you are NOT abandoned. This is an old self-soothing habit I had...and it's fantasy, not reality. It helps you cover over necessary truth...

Your WS didn't abandon you...he abandoned the marriage, his vows, the promises he made to himself. Get clear on the reality of his choices and your feelings will clear up, too.

He abandoned his own integrity, happiness, comfort and priorities. You didn't.

You removed your presence, you didn't abandon the marriage. You are breaking it now by choice. Your own choice. Because you can't make him choose anything.

God didn't give us symbolic minds without a great reason...to see and understand our own symbols is to learn our life-long issues within. Abandonment is one of these. Use it to know and grow with...because you are still climbing that spiral staircase, Rin...and you've seen this pole again and again.

Your friends will choose to aid you from their choice to love and support you. You have nothing to do with their choice...they choose to be present. Honor their choices and know them right now...like your sponsor's choice to house you...as theirs. Respect them and address your debt pole...when you are in debt to others...and probe it...because what I hear, is that WS owes you more than this...you earned better...you should be in your house since he's not even living in it...and he should have been the one to leave originally, anyway...then you wouldn't be in this debt.

You aren't in debt.[/color]

It's more of the same for me, me being responsible and POWS not, me handling the load and POWS not...

[color:"red"] You realized before where you were overly responsible...which left room for your partner to only be under-responsible. Very normal and common in relationships with just two partners...you saw where you defined love as taking care of everything for WS instead of the massive disrespect it truly was...get there again. Because when you were doing everything, you were feeling in great control, like you were loving well...which is part of the fantasy you realized towards the end of this very post, and brought it back to yourself. Where you self-deceived, you have the power to stop. You cannot stop his self-deception. When you focus on his self-deception and roil from it, that's a signal you're not seeing where you are choosing to self-deceive.

And you can feel really low as you perpetrate this old betrayal of yourself again. A healhty signal to get you back to your center...listen to it. I'm listening...hearing it in your words...catching those signals because they were mine. Consider and ponder here. For your own benefit, your own freedom. [/color]

once upon a time it didn't bother me...I enjoyed it, thought this is how I take care of him, well, it's different not...it unacceptable behavior to me...

[color:"red"] I hear you signalling yourself...it was always unacceptable...your choices back then...your intent wasn't clear nor owned...now it is...and everything changes because you changed your perspective. Hear how honest you are being underneath what you're saying...it's not different now. You're different now. [/color]

more of him not manning up...not only to caring for the yeard but caring "enough", or "at all" of his kids...

[color:"red"] I understand this is more of a vent...so I'm not bashing you at ALL for what you are saying or how you are saying it. I believe vents are how we reach ourselves...really see our thoughts back on paper or the screen. A way into seeing ourselves. Your choice to believe he didn't man-up...didn't care...and that caring isn't enough can kick your emotional butt...and that's you doing it. Rather than see...he didn't do or he did do...and not know why. See how much DJs really slice our own hearts to pieces...and look as if they other person is doing it? That's expectations...they truly are premeditated resentments. This is about you, for you, from you, Rin. [/color]

It's his words not agreeing with his actions again! THAT'S what makes me angry, extremely angry...

[color:"red"] Use your power, Rin. Flip this over. Are your actions agreeing with your words, your self-promises right now? Did you promise yourself not to feel, think or believe something? [/color]

KNowing that it's more of the same doesn't change my reaction...it still makes me angry [color:"red"] you are being made angry by whom? [/color] and I honestly feel that I'm entitled to my anger... [color:"red"] you are judging yourself and your right to feel what is only yours...your own feelings [/color] I can be mad at myself for living in that illusion that he wasn't like that and now I see that this is the way he always been... [color:"red"] How angry are you at yourself for doing what you did, the intent you had, and the fantasy you lived in? Is it okay to feel anger at your previous self, the one who didn't have a clue as to what you now know? [/color]

I was the one wishing that "as he got older he would mellow out, and do what he needed to do!" That was my fantasy, hoping and prayign for someone that I didn't have to begin with... [color:"red"] Here is the huge betrayal to yourself...that someone else is the reason for your own feelings...for your life circumstances...cuts out your power and control completely...and this is where your picker is broken, Rin...hear it to know, not to bash...you were married to another human being...your equal...and you didn't know you weren't respecting him...were remaking him in your own mind and not loving him for who he truly is, but for what he would become if only he'd get with your program. Yes, he was controlling because you were allowing. Yes, you were controlling because he was allowing. [/color]

I was once told by an IC that I had control on the surface but POWS really had the control....

[color:"red"] When I had this revelation of how controlling my DH really was...I was stunned. Wrote him a six page, single-spaced letter pointing out all the ways HE controlled me. Okay, so he was having his A and I was in wayward land myself...still, I remember that shock. Where I gave him control...living reactively, and still thought I was the bad guy. I see you, Rin, making WS the bad guy...which perpetuates your belief there are good guys and bad guys...and may perpetuate your feelings of powerlessness. Even while you KNOW you are not powerless...your choices are your power...and no one can take away your choices. Your power remains. [/color]

I want to lash out at him, call him out, TM him to catch him in more lies, ask him in a round about way where he's living..... [color:"red"] Here is your deep urge to control him so you can control your life...to make HIM realize...so that's the signal there's stuff your self wants you to see, be aware of, to realize. Listen for your signals. They will most often come through your focus on WS to get your attention. That's where your attention, your focus, was for years. [/color] BUUUTTTTT, I don't, it's me choicing not to behave like I would have...It's me not reacting to him...it's me not giving my power away... [color:"red"] Can you hear yourself here, Rin? I think you're on the cusp of learning we not only give our power away in what we choose to do or not do (reactive actions), we must first do so in in our beliefs, our thoughts, our perceptions...another rung up the ladder, Rin...takes those lows to get us higher, I promise. [/color]

I want alot of things, think alot of things where he's concerned... [color:"red"] Where you are dwelling, there is your treasure. Pure abandonment of you...you may feel abandoned in symbolic ways to get you to see and understand you are doing this and it hurts. [/color] There was one friend that I wanted to call today but I chose not to b/c it would be me wanting him to do some dirt, find out where POWS is living...ME, forcing MY solution... [color:"red"] Here is where you were honest with yourself...and your self loved you back. That's my perception. And you didn't bash yourself, you simply chose not to act on your desire. Know your desire...go backwards...trace it...that urge to know to control. What's behind that...fear. Pain. Find it.[/color]

A waste of energy [color:"red"] to dwell where you have no control [/color] , even if I find out, it doesn't mean that I can MAKE the court move on it... [color:"red"] you do your half, your part and let the outcome go. Don't base your choices on possible response...act to your code. [/color] get this over any faster...just the mere fact that I'm powerless in this sitch eat at my, most days I'm good with it b/c I know that God's time is better than mine and there's a GREAT reason that this is happening... [color:"red"] Repeating as the truth that you are powerless will definitely give you the feeling as a direct result. You are not powerless. You cannot be. You have your half...not the whole. Let go of the whole, Rin. It's not yours...your whole half is yours...more than enough. Let Go and Let God. [/color]

Still didn't stop the depair that I felt today... [color:"red"] If you are spending your energy on controlling your emotions...stopping, starting, etc...then you're living backwards, remember? Your despair is a signal...the bigger the signal, the more you've resisted getting the information...keeps coming...and despair is a cumulative feeling...find it's components. trying to signal you that your choice to repeatedly believe you are powerless hurts self greatly...like telling God he's useless...ouch. [/color] so I just sat with my feelings...I am powerless, I have done ALL that I can DO, and I have to trust that God will take care of me and the kids...

[color:"red"] It is not mine to control others...that is fantasy. Not powerless...even in step one, when we say we are powerless, we are exercising our choice to change our lives. We FEEL powerless living the way we did...solid signal, because we focused where we had no control and speant all our time trying to control...others, our feelings...we were actively living AGAINST God's design. The 12 steps remain to remind us we have the habit of giving away our power...and it's never really gone. [/color]

KNowing all of that still didn't help with my mood... [color:"red"] Can you see where your review of what is and what isn't didn't approach self-understanding, acceptance or love? Your mood changes when you see your words back, own them, investigate and discover their sources. Part of the process...you are getting there...you've been there...keep practicing...you see where you lost your foothold on the present, went into the future, rolled around in the past...neither in your control. You facing that pole had all your focus, put you right back in who you were...not who you are...and that's so reasonable...same darn poles...look at the view, Rin. It's totally different. New perspective. Look out at all that's there...as it is...and find it good. [/color] it wasn't until I was on my way to pick up the kids when I saw a friend checking her mail by the road...I didn't know where she lived...so, after I picked up the kids, we stopped to visit her...it was great for me, just what I needed...

An while I was there I got to help her...she hada doorbell that would ring when it wanted too...well, I fixed that problem for her, and told her if she ever had any problems like that in the future to just call me, even if she just needed some help...

[color:"red"] When you see the view, you see God and his handiwork. Your inner doorbell was ringing and you couldn't hear it...you are capable of fixing it...of hearing what your self is telling you...you just lost your inner connection is all, Rin. Not forever...just this past week. Reconnect to yourself...listen to your most lovely self...stop trying to connect your WS's doorbell to himself...to change your reality. He is capable. And glory in God's hand in your life through a friend at a mailbox, and sharing her stuff...because that's what God wants you to do with him...see him, hear him...and share with him. Like you do on MB. He's there, ringing your doorbell. [/color]

I enjoy doing stuff like that...LOL...You know that!!! And that simple little task made me feel sooooo much better...

I also cleaned our room and rearranged it...not clustered now...feels better...I usually do this once or twice a month...it really helps me to clean my mind too...




LOL...I could ask WS to do that through my lawyer, [color:"red"] see the could? How 'bout...I will ask and let the outcome go? Not keeping anything in mind except you're doing your part, your half...addressing your own desires and needs. You're doing that. [/color] doesn't mean that he would...I can see teh contempt charge right now, but I will keep that in mind...thank you!




I feel like it's more than a moment...since this past Tues, when I found out that POWS and the driver of the boat was drinking witht he kids present... [color:"red"] What action did you choose to take in regards to what his choices? Did you call the police, talk to your A, find out what is in place (or not) to acknowledge that this is huge, inappropriate behavior? You are not the first, Rin. Others have blazed trails, full of consequences, because they have been in your shoes. Learn what they did...honor what they changed...everyone changes the world. Up to us to be aware of it. [/color]

I REALLY REALLY want to block POWS out of my mind...I want a dark dark dark plan B in my mind with him...it's like I have started obessing on "How is HE trying to screw me now?" [color:"red"] Just as you did in the Villagers exercise, flip over each thought..."What am I doing to screw myself?" That accomplishes what you most desire. To stop obsessing on what you cannot control and to discovery in yourself continuing false payoffs...so you can know yourself better...hold and love your Villagers, and not act from them. [/color] I feel hopeless, like I've been screaming to the world..."CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT HE"S DOING TO ME! MAKE HIM STOP!" This is why I chose not to call that friend of our's...

[color:"red"] Rin, we all see his lousy choices. We see and feel your pain, your fear and your anger. We know your despair. We've lived through it. You will, also. Up to you to KNOW we see, we know...as does everyone else...that his choices will reverberate throughout his life. Know your own.

Because of you sharing your life, your self with me, I had a new thought when I was praying for you, which greatly helped me. About our center...at first, it was like the head of a pin...when I found it, it was tiny, hard to see and I easily fell away from it, lost it in my own pocket. As I practiced my awareness and self-discovery, the pin grew to the size of a frisbee...something I could barely stand in...yet so much bigger than the pin. When I leaned into old perspectives, I fell out of my center...and for me, there was only my center or the far wall. I would fall straight to the far wall which was annihilation...because my habit was all or nothing...center or lost. Rin, I've been growing my center...it's now a small throw rug I can walk around on...and when I step off...I no longer hit the far wall...I fall a few steps, sometimes more, sometimes less. I know where the rug is and step back on. I think part of retraining my brain to re-center expands it. I think where we are going is to a house-sized center...and stepping out not so much of an event as a choice. Takes vigilance (we have that in our obsessing ability, don't we?) through awareness, and choosing to go back to center, breathe and know, accept and love, anyway. And our signals, our emotions, let us know when we're falling off center...not to be managed, to be known, understood by tracing and accepted...they are our helpers within us...often the way God speaks to us through them...signals...coming from love, in us.

I see this as growing pains, Rin...what this week has been for you...because you greatly betrayed yourself again with WS's choices last weekend and you didn't hold yourself to your code. Welcome your despair for its signal...know and own it...it's yours. So is your anger. No one making you...you feeling it...getting that you want to act to protect your children...not in your control...take what actions, gathered from new knowledge, and act, anyway. [/color]

I wrote my second FU letter to POWS last night, I was so much better after I did...I just think that right now, there's sooo much coming AT ME...

i came home for lunch and I told SPon. that I just wanted to go to sleep andfelt that was the only way that I could shut down...

Well, i'm getting extremely sleepy, I think my eyes closed three or four times...there I go again...I'm going to bed! rest up, tomorrow's a new day...it's the heat down here...heat index 121...

Good night!

Now, consider the additional abandonment...because you see him as choosing to not only not allow you to live there, even when he's not...maybe cherishing, as he said, the house above you and the kids?

What would happen if you moved back into the house tomorrow?

He knows he is actively punishing you in all the ways he can. Accept his choices...they aren't coming from what you did...they are coming from who he chooses to be.

Because when you were doing everything, you were feeling in great control, like you were loving well.

And you can feel really low as you perpetrate this old betrayal of yourself again.