I'm in Seattle now, going through end of life issues with my dad. My dad is old, and has had a good life, but this is really hard.

I've often read here that losing a spouse because of infidelity is more painful than having a loved one die. I don't believe it.

My husband CHOSE to leave me and be with someone else. Although it was a terrible shock, I still have the peace of mind that it was what he wanted. He is continuing his life with her doing whatever he is doing.

Looking at the probability of someone close dying is a thousand times more painful for me. There is no sense of acceptance that my dad has chosen to be without his family and leave us.

I'm just wondering how others weigh in on this issue.

Wow, that's a hard one believer. First off {{{believer}}}. I'm so sorry you have to go through this right now.

I guess the only people qualified to answer this question would be those who have experienced both situations. I have not. But perhaps some might reason that the CHOICE is what made it worse.

We will all die some day, and so as hard as it is to lose someone, it is inevitable. That a WS would CHOOSE to betray a BS seems to me, the harder burden.

Post deleted by MelodyLane

{{{Believer}}} Sorry for all you are going through right now.

Thanks Intention. My husband choosing another was extremely hurtful. I loved him and lost him. But he is still alive, and I'm thankful for that.

Melody - I'm sorry for your loss. It is a loss that you won't recover, no matter what.

My dad is old, and lived a good life, so I think I will do okay when he dies. There are no regrets, and I've been able to spend precious time with him. A month ago, he was still driving (at 91!!!!!!), but now he has heart failure, kidney failure, and prostate cancer that has spread. It is just a question of what will kill him first.

When I think of my husband now, there is just not any sadness. I wish things had turned out differently, but he chose something else.

Believer--wanted to send a hug from me, too. You're amazing and I have missed you here lately.

I wouldn't say one is "harder" than the other--because they are both unique pains--and losses at different levels.

I think when people say that it is harder to lose a spouse to infidelity than to lose a loved one--maybe they are are meaning that "loved one" to be the spouse.

{{{{believer}}}}} I empathize with your situation... I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to go to Portland (ME) to be with my 98 year old dad (who played tennis until 93, drove until 96, I think) who's also dying, who also has congestive heart failure and prostate cancer, and who seems to be developing kidney problems, too. I've been back (from across the country) four times already this year.

Melody Lane said:

This is so true. Almost 8 years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, about 18 months after my mother died of that
disease. That was the worst thing that had ever happened to me at the time. At the same time, the husband of one of my employees left her after going to his HS reunion and suddenly moving in with his HS sweetheart. Later, when my WH left suddenly to move in with MOW, this woman was diagnosed with cancer. She apologized to me, saying that when her WH left, she'd told someone (who'd actually told me at the time, though she didn't know that) she wished she could trade places with me. At the time, I'd been shocked to hear she'd said this, but after experiencing my own WH's infidelity, I totally understood her.

Two years ago, my 23 year old DSS, who I helped raise since he was less than a year old, shot himself to death. He was very drunk at the time.

Every loss seemed like the worst loss when I was experiencing it. My WH's A was probably the most acutely devastating, at the time, followed very closely by the cancer diagnosis. As the years pass, I'm recovering from the A (my divorce trial is set for May 1-2) and the longer I'm cancer-free (though I continue on treatment), the less I worry, but it's the loss of people - my stepson, my mom, and now my dad, that stay with me. It's a different kind of pain, especially my stepson, in part because of the way he died.

Oh Believer,

I'm so sorry to hear of your father...{{{{BELIEVER}}}}.

You and I have talked of this before. Funny how that continues to happen with us! I've lost a son...Jason's been gone for 10 years now, I've been betrayed multiple times, I've lost my beloved...she's been gone a year now, and I lost my mother 12/27.

I probably will not be able to articulate clearly my reasons, but until my wife died, NOTHING hurt...NOTHING rocked my world like her lying and cheating. Now that she's gone too, I can't say that any more. Like you and your X, while what was done was vile and rotten, at least they were still on the earth...still here. Death is so final.

Perhaps, it's the "knowing" that none of us get out of this alive. Death for all living things is a "given"...no exceptions. Life starts, and life ends...intuitively we know this. BUT, betrayal from the one to whom we've pledged our life, the one with whom we've shared our most intimate joys and fears, the one who we chose (from ALL others) to join with and adandon ourselves for...that's personal!

The good Lord holds dominion over life and death. It is His plan. The wayward spouse holds dominion over betrayal. That was something they chose. I'll not question the Lord over His "circle of life", but I will always question why she had to cheat...

Believer, dear friend, your dad is going home. He will be with the Father and His family. The Lord is his shepherd and he shall not want...

Ron

(((Believer)))

May God give you strength and comfort during this difficult time...

Prayers to you.
Suzet

believer,

I did not read the responses to your post. However, I am in Seattle, my dad died, and my brother after that, and my mother this past October. All in the past 10 years.

For the record, I would not say that what has happened to you is worse than a death of a loved one, but I would put it right up there with hurting as much as if you did lose your H it really is as if they pass away sometimes. It is kinda like death, in a way, except they are all still in your face. I am hurting for you believer, God Bless you for being there for your dad.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Hey Believer

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm happy your Dad has someone who loves him to help him pass.

I lost both my parents. I cannot imagine what losing a child is like, nor will I attempt to.

But my take regarding the deaths of my folks is somewhat different to yours, B.

My dad was near comatose near the end, and I was sobbing quietly and praying at his bedside. Just me.

He pulled himself out of his unconsciousness and squeezed my hand saying " Don't cry son; it's SUPPOSED to be this way".

I kissed him and he slipped back to sleep. He died later that night.

This is central to my experience - Mom and Dad were SUPPOSED to get old and die before me. They were SUPPOSED to see the fruits of their parenting investment in strong, decent, independent children. I even got to tell my Dad that Squid was 6 weeks pregnant with our first child in those last days. He died happy, surrounded by love, and content. My Mom also died happy, surrounded by love at the end of a hard but satisfying life.

Such was SAD but not TRAGIC IMO B. I should be so lucky as them to see my babies grown and a long life of toil, faith and joy behind me at a goodly age.

Squids affair was a discarding of all that I was, all my efforts, all my achievements and failings. Every value I had, my struggles and joys meant absolutely NOTHING to her. The babies we made, the joy and pain we shared,the adventures we had, our plans and hopes for the future. All as ashtray contents to be scattered from a moving car window.....

My folks' deaths was inevitable and happened just about as well as anyone could hope. Squids affair was deliberate, voluntary and rendered all I that I am irrelevent in a second. It is a most unnatural event. A hostile event.

So to me Beleiever, I have never experienced in the deaths of loved ones and friends anything like the eviscerating insult of Squid's affair.

Losing loved ones tragically must be more dreadful. But for me, now I am content with my folks' lives and deaths, but I will ever be restless in regard to the insult I received from Squid.

Just my point of view believer. It is a great privilege to be the companion of a loved one to the gate of their last journey. May God bless you both in this journey.

I have to say infidelity is worse than a loved one dying. I saw my father dying. It's easier to accept death because it is part of the evolution of life. Some people see death as a rebirth to the other side. It's easier to heal with death because there is closure. There is no resentment anger or feelings of betrayal. In the end, we, the living also go through a rebirth experience allowing us to appreciate the short life we have in this universe and perhaps recreate our sense of purpose to ourselves and the world.

As a BS, there is a "forced" acceptance that our WS has moved on. Infdelity destroys everyone. For many BS, it is very difficult to find closure. It has a negative long lasting effects that may never heal with time. There are no positive outcome. Its purpose to exist is to serve only those who choose to cheat, leaving destruction in its path.

SO being on the receiving line on both, infidelity is worse than a loved one dying.

believer,

Just wanted to say that I am glad you can be there for your dad. This is such a special time.

Prayers for you and yours,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

The discussion I recall where that idea was 'solidified' in the MarriageBuilder collective memory, was regarding Post-Traumatic-Stess-Syndrome, I'll see if I can find it.

A poster who had served in a recent war (I forget which one, sorry) had also experienced the death of his child, and the betrayal of his wife's infidelity.
He stated that he experienced the 'pain of the betrayal as worse than the trauma of combat, as well as, worse than the death of his child.

I watched my mother commit suicide when I was 12, and she was a young beautiful woman of just 33. That is not 'how it's supposed to be'.

I was brutally attacked just a few weeks later, and suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of that attack (maybe on top of the trauma of watching the violent death of my mother); I'm saying, witnessing my mother's death may have contributed to my PTSD, that resulted from the violent theft of my childhood and innocence at the hands of knife-wielding rapists.

And yet I concur with Bob. The betrayal of my husband's infidelity, after I trusted him (and only him since I was 18 years old, over more than two decades) was the worst trauma I've ever experienced.

When that particular consensus was reached we were NOT talking about being left by the spouse. We were specifically talking about the betrayal itself, and I believe most, if not all, the participants in the thread were in long-term marriages (15+ years married) and were in Recovery.

This is my .02 for what it's worth.

I'm sorry you are in pain, Believer. The death of a parent is never easy.

Edited to add, I miscarried two babies I wanted desperately. Just to type those words show me how insignificant they are compared to how I actually felt. I can't tell you how much I wanted those two children, they have names, and I still grieve. But my husband grieved their losses with me, he was my rock and my comfort.

I couldn't turn to him for that support when he had his affair.

(((((believer)))))

All loss is painful and I don't know that it serves much purpose to "compare" or "rank" painful trials and tribulations that have to be endured.

Certainly a large part of the "feeling" of pain over loss is intricately tied to how we view both the person (spouse, parents, child, etc.) and how we view ourselves. If we tend to the more "emotional" side, we feel it more. If we see it as primarily against "ME," it hurts on a different, perhaps more "selfish" level.

Regardless, from my perspective, the loss we feel, and the intensity of that loss, depends on how much we love the person and their/our relationship with the LORD. KNOWING that "this life" is not the end, is not "all that there is" is very comforting. We WILL feel the loss of a loved one intensely, but at the same time we can "rejoice" in the knowledge that God IS in control and that eternity without sin or loss awaits us.

I like to think of it like a butterfly. We exist as a caterpillar never knowing the beautiful transformation that is in our future, that God has ordained for His children in Christ. No more than a caterpillar knows what is happening, we have a glorified body awaiting us that we cannot "conceive of" in our present state.

But we still hurt in the "here and now," more for OUR loss of a loved one. It just hurts "more" when it's our own "flesh" that has chosen to bring on the pain, because it's AGAINST us rather than a "circumstance out of their control."

God bless and comfort you with His presence during this time. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For thou art with me."

(((((believer)))))

Believer,

I'm sorry for your pending loss, just know he will be going to a better place in god's loving arms.

I have been through both, even Steve Harley states that death of a loved one is not as hard to cope with. In my personal experience I believe that is true. It would have been much easier to tell the kids and to deal with for me if I could have said "Mommy is with the Angels now."

I would have been able to keep her image, history, etc... in tact and not put up with the comtimued lies, secrecey, reoccuring D-Days, deceit, etc... Death is one big blow and then you learn to live with it. Adultry on the other hand, like STDs, is a gift that keeps on giving for the rest of you life.

Just my .02

Believer, So sorry that your dad is nearing the end of his days. It's good that you are there with your family and all supporting one another through this painful time. I can't compare the hurt - both of my parents are alive. Not in great health - but they are there and love me and support me.

There are a couple of posters who spring to mind who experienced the discovery of an affair at the same time as they lost a parent. Both have said they felt they never had time to properly grieve for their parent because they were so blindsided by their spouse's A. It does appear, for some, to be a comparable loss.

Blessings B.
TT

Good morning. I haven't read through the whole thread yet.. but here is my input.

I lost my dad one month prior to D-day and would say that although his passing was terrible for our family, it is a natural part of the life cycle and is to be expected. The A on the other hand is an assault from someone you love.... and it is the gift that keeps on giving. My father and the memories I have of him will alays be in my heart.... the A is like a cloud of crap that offers nothing positive in life and will impact my life in the complete opposite way.

We know our loved ones will die someday. We don't expect that they will harm us. That is just my take on things.

(((((Believer))))))
I lost both my parents in the last 5 years - my Mom just a year ago - and I must say it was worse than my ex leaving me - although I didn't know it at the time. But I do think that for me - and this sounds horrible but it would have been easier if my ex had died. I just think having someone choose to leave you makes you feel like a nobody and worthless and if he had left me by passing away it wouldn't have been of his own choice. Does that make any sense?????

I know my parents didn't choose to leave me but my Mom's especially was so sudden and it didn't have to happen - but that's another story that it makes it really dificult.

My thoughts and prayers are with you believer.

(((Believer))) I am praying for you. I have you in my prayers. I don't know what to say about this. I have been very blessed in that the only person close to me that has died in the last 10 years was my FIL. And that was terbile. But death is inevitable. My take is a little different on this.

For me, I would rather have dealt with Dork dying than betraying me. Not that I wish him dead. But the betrayal is lifelong. And the death would have meant I would have wonderful memeories of a loivng H for the rest of my life. I would have had memories to cherish. Without the taint and stench of the adultery and his other evil acts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />