Dear [[[[[[Believer]]]]]]]

I am so sorry to hear you going through this time with your Dad. Why do we always expect Mum & dad to be there? I guess we are ALWAYS kids to them & within ourselves.

I cannot ever accept that the loss of a marriage is as bad as the death of loved family member.
If your spouse leaves you they are still alive and even should you never wish to see them again, they are alive and you will eventually move on with life even if missing that person in your own life. It hurts and the pain may seem terrible, it may be in fact immense, however it too moves on with time and living.
The death of a family member, a child for instance, forever wounds you and you never fully accept the loss, the pain never goes away. I wish it would.

I guess I would do almost anything wihtin reason, even my own mixed up version of that, to ensure my Marriage would survive, but I would do ANYTHING short of hurting someone - & even then I wonder what I would do - to have my son back. Thats the difference I suppose.

Praying for you Believer and your family if thats ok.

Post deleted by MelodyLane

Post deleted by MelodyLane

Mel - she has.

Believer,

I am so sorry for what you are going through with your Dad. I lost my Dad in 2/2002 suddenly. I have read many of the post to you about your question. One thing I do believe is what someone else said earlier. It is different for each person depending on the situation.

My Dad's was not near as imobilizing to me as my current marriage situation, but even that is getting easier to deal with. (Mel, I had no idea you lost a son. That would be the worst, to have to bury a child)
{{{{{{{Mel}}}}}}

The of one of my sons would be the most horrible event I would ever experiance. So I really don't think there is carte blanc answer for everyone. I do think it can be as painful for some.

WOL

Thanks, WOL. I agree that there isn't a cookie cutter reaction for everyone. Everyone reacts to trauma differently. I just need to step away from this very upsetting thread. I wish I wouldn't have even posted now.

I understand. I will say a special prayer for you tonight. My MB's love and concern for you this evening. {{{{{{Mel}}}}}} Take care my friend.

WOL

Thanks, WOL, I really appreciate that. It just occured to me how silly it is to get in a debate over a person's personal grief so I deleted my post. This just hits too close to home for me to have folks trample on something so very personal.

Everybody really is different. For me, the infidelity was worse. That wound was badly infected, and the other, though deeper, was relatively clean.

When Dillon died, I knew where he was, what had gone wrong, and most importantly, that I had only lost him for a little while, and not forever. That did not mean that I skipped the grief process, or that I am not still in the thick of it, or that I will not always mourn him. But there is no uncertainty.

With the A, there was the betrayal, the sickening images, the months of not knowing whether my home was to be broken or not, the months of picking up the pieces, and looking at years of effects into the future. There was extreme uncertainty, and still is from time to time.

Would I suffer the pain I went through during my H's A in order to bring Dillon back? Absolutely. But as to which damaged me the worst, changed me the most, warped my mind the most, definitely the A.

B, I'm so sorry you are in a position to even be asking yourself this question. Count on my prayers, as well.

Dear believer,

So sorry to hear about your father. I had forgotten that you are from Maine also. It is great that you can be there for him...and for you.

My mom passed away 2 years ago...and I still miss her so much. My father died a miserable death from cancer in 1978. Both of those loses hurt and I still feel that sadness sometimes..but it was also a natural end of their life cycle.

When my ex left me 5 years ago after loving and supporting him for 26 years--married for 21...it was and still is devastating. It pulled the rug out from beneath my family. We lost our future together....In my opinion, death leaves an empty hole in your heart...but divorce shreds it. Hard to put the pieces back together...and sometimes I feel like my heart is just bandaged. They say though that scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue...so hopefully I will be stronger one day for this experience!! Take care of yourself...you will be in my prayers. Pat

b, I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this right now. You are the symbol of integrity and it's obvious that your dad raised you well.

Mel & wot, I never knew this about the both of you! I'm so sorry you had to go through that awful time in your life in addtion to the added stress of adultery. I defenitely have added respect for the both of you given the fact that you continue to help those in need after suffering so much yourselves. The both of you are truly wonderful people.

Thanks!

How about we start a line of greeting cards expressing

~sympathy and understanding and hope for healing after the affair of your spouse~

Pep

Pep,

With so many people having affairs that could be a lucrative endevour.

And why not...it seems they have cards for everything else under the sun!

Hi Believer,

Thanks for your email. Sorry to hear about your dad. I am glad to see that you can consider the support of some MB members right there in Seattle!

Not having any details, when you said he was out of the hospital in your email, I actually thought his health had improved.

I still have both my parents...and I don't even want to go 'there' and imagine how it would be without them no longer 'being there' even though I know, like everyone else, that it is the 'cycle of life'....

How is your dad taking it? Are you able to talk with him?


((((((((((((((((BELIEVER))))))))))))))))

Pep, that is a great idea, lots of people don't know what to say, similar to when someone passes, but they would like to be helpful.

Believer, I am very sorry for the sitch and hope you find peace with it all. Your sister's place sounds lovely and calming. As to your question, I would say that it is all relative to who you are at the time the death happens or the A. I agree with the others here saying that it isn't a contest as to who is more hurt. I can only share with you what happened to me and how I reacted.

The first close death was my mom, I was 21 and she was 54. My oldest son was 6 mo. old. She was the rock in our family, it was extremely emotional and upsetting, I didn't want to lose her at such a young age, I know, selfish on my part. I miss her terribly to this day, it does fade, but there is still a gap in my life, especially since I have 3 sons, thus I don't have the mother-daughter relationship either way.

My WH's first affair was about 18 mo. after my Mom's death. DD-day occurred 2 mo. before my Dad passed. My WH told me he was "not in-love" with me and hadn't been for some time. I worked part-time and went to school part-time. My MIL babysat the two boys, 1 yr and 3 yrs old at the time. I didn't know how I would financially make it w/o WH, even with child support. I still loved him and wanted things to work so I just kept quite. WH stayed, my Dad passed, WH stayed longer, years went by. We had another S, I thought things were better. My radar was always up afterward though. My WH seemed to have a habit of developing close relationships with women he worked worked with, especially those with marital problems.

After both my parents passed, 2 years later my FIL passed of a Alzheimer’s, almost a relief in a way. Also during this approx. 6 year period we lost 3 grandmothers. Next decade, 2 BIL, 1 SIL of cancer, ages 36-44. Next decade (current) we lost a SIL to hear disease last July (age 53). My B (age 52) has liver disease and is on the transplant list, near death about 5 weeks ago when he received a transplant, still not out of the woods.

My WH's A started bc EN's not met, mid-life issues. He blamed me for everything wrong in his life and our kids. I had low self-esteem and allowed it. My self-esteem plumeted to its lowest, still digging myself out. I think the major difference between death and A's is one of choice on the part of the WS, the manner which they treated you, the lies (qty, length of time) and many more that contribute to the reaction of the BS. I initially said to my WH that his A was as bad as my parents death, it took a few months to realize that it was worse. It is worse in my sitch bc I have to forgive myself from not protecting myself from my WH. This failure causes me more guilt than the A, how could I believe his lies? Why didn't I "kick him to the curb, especially since this isn't the first time?" How can I believe him again, since my own judgement isn't reliable? The hurt imposed on our sons, what could I have done to prevent it? Why did I have a second D-day, how ignorant can one be?? Those that I have told don't understand why I am still M, I don't want to be seen as a victim! Why didn't I expose OW and the A while it was going on, why did I play a part in keeping this quite? See what I mean, it hits you all over the place.

When someone passes, it is sad, sometimes it is tragic, it hurts like heck, but it is part of the human experience that we all will experience. It does bring you face to face with your own morality, but it can also inspire you to live each day to its fullest.

My take on the A is that we BS's can also do the same with the A, learn to live each day to its fullest, keep learning and growing, supporting others in their journey when we can.

My thoughts and prayer are with you during this difficult time for you and your family.

Blessings,

Hey Believer, just wanted to say sorry to hear about your father.

I think infidelity is worse b/c it is a choice that this person who vow to love you, be faithful, etc before God would chose to betray you in the worst possible way, since I know we all have to leave this earth one day.