HOn, What you are doing right now is called negative self-talk. Have you heard of that? It is you talking only to yourelf and so how cna you be wrong? And that is a problem. Becasue unless you vent away you only tel yourself negative things. It is soooo important for you to get outside help. Someone who will listen. And we ALL will.

Can you tell I have been where you are? I am STILL Here. But It WAS close. I know from experience!

I am really not a bad person, just a woman who has made some VERY bad choices and is trying to make it right now.

Another problem, H doesn't know about the past....before we were married....does he need to know?

I am scared enough to tell him the EA was really a PA. Now if he finds out how I was before he married me, he will surely leave.

That is probably what should happen - would be better for the girls.

S & C...

What you are feeling is very normal...it is part of withdrawal...It is NOT true that your family would be better off without you...I definitely had times that I felt that way too...try and understand that just because you're *feeling* like this does not make it true...just like standing in the garage does not make you a car...

Because of the fog, you cannot trust *feelings* right now, they will mislead you...you must instead rely on logic...does it make logical sense to say that any family would be better off without it's matriach...NO, it does not...Your family most definitely needs you and wants you...it's up to you to give you back to them though...and you CAN do that...

I promise you that it does get better...try to take it in small "chunks" of time...just 10 minutes...just half an hour...and so on...baby steps...it's a process...

You've already taken a positive step by posting here...You are going to be OKAY...you are NOT a bad person...you just did a bad thing...to accept that and take responsibility for it, and then do all that you can to right your wrongs with your family is how you will regain your honor and integrity...it is what will allow you to feel whole again...and you CAN do this...and you WILL make it...and I am very glad that you are here...

What exactly is going on today?


Mrs. W

SandC, I'm an FWW so nothing you can say can shock me or disgust me in any way whatsoever.

I know also that you, like me, are a valuable human being who deserves to be alive and on earth as much as anyone else does.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. The mixture of guilt and withdrawal is HORRIBLE but, you know what, it's surmountable, you truly can get through it and past it.

I'm glad you're on ADs. I think you should see a doc about getting the dosage changed.

Do any of you think this is kind of a good thing? I mean the fact that I am looking back and the past is literally making me sick?

Maybe....even a sign from God?

Depression is making you talk about your wasted 39 years.

There is NO WAY your whole life has been a waste. Would you call having your beautiful children a waste. Of course you wouldn't.

That I agree with KiwiJ - my children, two DD's are AWESOME and BEAUTIFUL.

However, since the A......the old especially has a much closer relationship with her dad. Understandably, I guess.

Meant to say "oldest" sorry!

SandC, I used to shake and cry when I thought about what I had done. My stomach used to go into a knot and I felt I couldn't continue.

But I did continue and now I'm so, so pleased that I did.

Remember, you TOO are a child of God. He sees you like you see your children, AWESOME and BEAUTIFUL.

I feel like it's all coming to a head....and maybe that is suppose to happen b/c I haven't disclosed my full A to my H yet.

I feel like, of course, the A wasn't bad enough, but then he hears about my past...we're done.

H is a VERY moral man.

S&C, how long have you been on the AD's? There was a point after my dday that I had this feeling of utter clarity and it was AWFUL. Clarity of every single, minute thing I have done including my A. Deep utter despair, but what came slowly after was self examination and owning up to my mistakes, then accepting Christ's forgiveness and finally...forgiving myself.

S & C...

You seem to give your H very little credit here...I'll bet that he is more resilient than you might think...I'm pretty sure that he knows that you are not perfect already...and neither is he...

Please keep in mind that these are *your* beliefs about his feelings...Unless, you are a mind reader, you don't know what his feelings are...You cannot be sure of anything until you are honest with him...

Again, your girls would NOT be better off without their Mom...I am POSITIVE of this...

S & C...Has this occured to you...

IF YOU CHANGE NOTHING, NOTHING WILL CHANGE...

Mrs. W

Mrs. W - Believe me...I am on a CHANGING ROAD - coming right ahead, plowing through my A and my past like no ones' business.

I think everyhing is coming to a "head" and it's a good thing.

GOD is opening up my eyes, upon my life, for the first time in MY LIFE!

So what do you think....maybe I needed this WAKE UP call? To see how destructive one's behavior can be?

Please, all posts welcomed....

It took my FWW ten years of marriage and the prayers of a lot of people before she reached the point where she was able to confess her past to me.

I'm glad she did. I am in the process of forgiving her, as I was first forgiven by God. I know our M will be stronger once we get through this.

Have you read about the policy of radical honesty and why it is important?

Intention - No I have heard much about it, but haven't read it. Guess I know what my reading material is for tomorrow.

Thanks.

My FWW was a deacon in our church...4 years ago she had an EA and 2 years ago she had a PA?EA. She ultimately felt utter dispair, as you are experiencing today. Although is was not easy, we ultimately began working together towards a marriage much more heathy than the one we had before.

This is not an easy road, but it is a road paved with jewels if taken with good intent and actions. You will walk over miles of broken glass before you reach the jewels. Faith makes the difference.

God may be speaking to you in ways that you do not understand right now, but ultimately, it will make sense to you.

Marriage Builders will give you a path towards rebuilding a marriage damaged by adultry. People here are amazing, and eager to help. This forum has been the lifeline for many people. However, if it's "just" not enough, please do seek personal help from one of the recommended sites. Most everyone here is "non-professional" and we "advise" on what we learn from MB and other self help reading. Sometimes it is necessary to seek professional help through really tough times, and there is no shame in doing so. If that's what you feel you need, make the call. You are worth it!

Best wishes,
SD

I am going to sleep now, as my babies are fazt asleep themselves.

I wanted to say...even though I don't know any of you personally, EVERY ONE of you will be so beatifully prayed for tonight.

May God bless each and every one of you - looks to me like he's already done that. You don't need my help there!

Once again, you are ALL amazing.....for a BS to open up your heart to a WS...I just don't know if I could do it.

I love you all.

Will check in tomorrow - this is making it easier to tell H about PA.

GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU

I'll look for you tomorrow then. Sleep well. You are in my prayers tonight.