I am definitely going to call MIL. I told my wife I was going to. I promised that I wouldn't do it until she gets back. I want to make sure that her family knows that I am in this marriage 100%, and that if anything goes wrong, it was not me. I love them as my own family. I still trust her, and I don't think she will bad mouth me, but she may exclude things that will cause her mother or father to tell her that she is wrong. One instance, she is not going to say anything to her grandfather, who adores me and has started to give me things that he wants me to have before he dies. She "doesn't want to destroy him". She knows she's wrong. I don't want to turn her family against her, that's what my ex did to me, but I think they should know the facts. If nothing else, they will ENCOURAGE her to work on it.

Another thing I forgot to mention is that I will not call before she gets back, because I know that will anger her, and she will lose respect for me for going against her wishes. I know she thinks I can't make it, but I am going to prove to her that I will. On top of that, when she gets back, I am going to talk as if nothing is going on...make her bring it up. I know she thinks I am going to bombard her, but if I just hold back, it is going to cause her to think. I know it is going to be hard, but I have to find the strength within myself.

Baby steps!

This is a BAD PROMISE. It gives your W an opportunity to call her M and spin the story. Don't FOREWARN her about any exposure, Lost. That DEFEATS THE PURPOSE. It needs to come as a surprise and should be done as closely together as possible.

I would suggest calling her mother and any others you can reach TODAY. Tell them that your W is having an affair and you are trying to save your marriage and need their help.

Where is your wife this weekend?

Exposure is not something that is to be done jointly, Lost. She will have NO DESIRE whatsoever to expose herself, so you will just cause a needless fight and ruin your position by forewarning her. You will get NO COOPERATION so don't expect it. Forewarning her will essentially ruin any leverage you have from exposure.

Would you share your battle plans with your opponent [the affair] and expect to win?? Of course not!

Just EXPOSE yourself and that will ensure that a) it is DONE and b) the TRUE story gets out there.

Don't make it harder on yourself for NO GOOD REASON. Just do it and get it over with.

My W is at her parents this weekend. That is what creates the slippery slope. She has more than likely already told MIL. If I were to call today, she would only take it as my attempt to call her (W). Therefore, I have to wait until she gets back. I initially just wanted to contact MIL because I wanted her to know that this is not my doing, etc. I promised W that I would not call until W had talked to her because I didn't want to taint MIL...maybe this was a bad decision, but my ex did that to me and only created resentment from my part. I wanted her to be able to communicate freely with MIL so that if her mother told her she was making a mistake, it would not be because I had influenced her.

I think she is looking for someone to tell her it's okay. I know I did. I didn't find it, but I went on with it anyway because I knew it was best. I am realistic, sometimes, marriages weren't meant to be. I don't believe that's the case here. I have done a lot of soul searching, and I know we are meant to be together. I can't force her, but I will not make it easy for her to leave.

hey brother from another mother <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
thanks for the post...we are getting up to speed eh? not like it was our choice...but you gotta deal with what you are dealt. Yes my plan a is chipping away a little...its hard to tell where she is but every now and then i see her soften.

be strong - solid - focus - and maintain your DIGNITY

I read your post about her thinking of you as an anchor while you are really her rock and it is UNBELIEVABLE - how our situations are the same. My w is creative and changeable - but i never thought the change would hit me because i have supported her through all of her changes. all of this is just nuts. but there is a whole world out there for us...A WHOLE BIG BEAUTIFUL WORLD.

we will be fine.

Lost, I am starting to seriously lose hope here. What do you mean "taint MIL??" Isn't your goal to tell her the truth?? Surely you weren't planning on lying to her?

This is exactly WHY your W should not be the one to tell her; SHE WILL TAINT HER BY SPINNING THE STORY. You need to tell your MIL so she can GET THE TRUTH. This is why it is critical for the BS to do the exposing HIMSELF. Otherwise, the exposure is meaningless because the WW has a chance to spin the story.

Further, exposure is NOT DONE with the WS' foreknowledge! That ruins its impact and gives the WS a chance to pre-empt you and spin the story.

There is no point to exposure if you are going to allow your W to taint the process. In order to be effective, exposure should be done without any foreknowledge so that it SURPRISES the affairees and ensure that the TRUE STORY gets out there.

Don't waste your time doing it any other way, because when you do come to your senses and actually listen to us in the future, you will not have completely neutralized this weapon.

And yes, if your W is there with her mother, then wait until she comes back to call your MIL. BUT DONT' TELL HER YOU ARE GOING TO CALL HER!


The point is that YOU WANT TO INFLUENCE YOUR MIL to persuade your W to do the RIGHT THING and end her affair! That is the GOAL HERE, Lost. THAT IS THE POINT!

Do you see?

I am not denying the wisdom of your suggestions, my only point is that she left 3 days ago...surely it is too late to undo what is already done. Now, I just have to fulfill my promise and wait until she gets back to talk to MIL. Hopefully I can set the record straight.

What about asking her not to separate? Should I, or should I let her make her own decision? If she insists on separating, should I move on to Plan B?

dude you totally need to get to MIL before wife leaves...your w is breaking HER promise...her VOWS. You have done nothing - call your MIL now.

Is the OM married? What is his occupation?


I don't see the point of waiting. She is there with her mother right now, what better opportunity to get her the true story so she can, hopefully, persuade her D to do the right thing? That way, she won't be able to spin your MIL, it will all be out in the open.

In the meantime, I would get prepared to expose to the other list I gave you when she gets back: the OM's parents, your family, your W's siblings, and THINKING friends, pastor, her grandfather and any others you can think of. Expose to the OM's wife, if any. WITHOUT YOUR WIFE'S KNOWLEDGE.


You don't want to seperate so you shouldn't even suggest it. If she brings up seperation or divorce, tell her you would hate to see her leave, but you won't discuss it. You will only discuss working on your marriage.

Do you know for SURE she is at her mothers?

I am sure she is at her mother's. She bought the plane tix (and sent me the itinerary), and there is no way she could be with him. And he can't be there with her, because her family would not accept that.

I think you are right about the list. She told me before she left that she didn't want to tell her sister and she didn't want to talk to her father about it. That just shows she knows she is wrong. If there were nothing wrong and she only wanted "advice", she wouldn't be so selective in who she tells.

Re: OM. I don't know him. She just recently met him because he is an instructor in a training that she is going through. He's not married.

What kind of training? And how would you know if he is married?

Have you called your MIL's house to VERIFY your W is there? She could have easily changed her tickets to fly somewhere else.

I don't KNOW he is not married, I am taking her at her word.

I don't have to verify that she went there. She told her mother that she was going, and there would be you know what to pay if she didn't. She also had plans with her sister that I know she wouldn't change.

I recognize that she is not herself. She is confused by the grandeur of a new relationship. However, I don't think in her head, she is betraying me (not that I don't plan to call her out on it). That being said, she would not outright betray me...at least not yet.

Lost, she IS betraying you. That is what she is doing in an affair. It is the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit. I don't believe for a minute she does not know that an affair is WRONG, if not, then you have bigger problems on your hands.

Secondly, it may not be true that the OM is single. You shouldn't take her word for anything. If he were married, she likely would not want you to know because you might call him W or think less of her for doing it with a MM.

This is something you need to investigate on your own and it shouldn't be hard to check out. Do you know his name, town and ph #? You could disguise your # via *67 and call his house and ask for MRS XYZ. See what kind of response you get. You can also do a background check on him yourself or via a PI.

How does she communicate with him? Does she talk to him on the landline? The computer?

I very much think she KNOWS an affair is wrong but is pulling the classic WS trick of MINIMIZING her crime to help rationalize her behavior. It is important that you do not BUY her foggy thinking.

Is there some reason you can't call there and ask for her just to be sure? Plans can easily be changed. My bs alert went off when you said that you had agreed not to talk to her mother until she got back? Did you agree not to call AT ALL? That makes me VERY SUSPICIOUS. I hope I am wrong, but I smell a weekend rendevous.

If it were me, I'd find some really important thing that I needed WW's input on...and then I'd accidently let something just slip out to her mother in the process of calling back and forth to get it taken care of.

A little sneaky, I know. And even though I'm a fairly honest person...that's still what I would do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I don't see anything dishonest with picking up the phone and calling his MIL for the sole purpose of telling her about the affair. I have a feeling that his W has asked him NOT TO CALL his MIL's this weekend, which really sets off my bs alarm.