Okay, perhaps I must clarify things a little more.

1. I don't doubt that she went to her parents. I don't want to get into specifics, but she is from another country. She sent me all of the information about the tickets and told her mother about this BEFORE her "date" with him. If she changed her plans, her mother would have CALLED ME and had some things to talk about. I have lost some trust in W, but not all. I know she went there. Plus, he was had to be in town when she left. The nature of his job would not allow him to leave out of the blue. (Speaking of which, someone asked about training. She recently got a promotion, and the new job requires a certification. The company contracts out for the certification courses, and that is who he works for).

2. Ever since this ordeal began, she has avoided thinking about it (I read a post from Orchid that said that WS's don't like to think...boy is that true). She has engrossed herself in so many things as to avoid thinking about it. I think she has avoided it because if she thought about, she would realize what she is doing. Anyway, she wanted to go to her parents in order to talk to her mother and try to sort out her feelings. I respected her decision on this. She asked me not to call her...she would not be in contact with anyone. I have verified this via her cell phone records online. She would not call him from her parents phone. I know from previous experiences how infuriating it is when a spouse calls your parents before you. I only wanted to tell MIL and FIL that I am still in love with their D, that I care about them, and that I am going to work as hard as I can to make this work. I told her that I would not contact ILs until she had talked to them. Maybe a bad decision on my part, but one that she appreciated. I really think she is trying to sort out her feelings, but I think she wants to sort them out to justify herself. I don't think any way that you slice it, she can say what she is doing is okay. She will only be lying to herself. Anyway, I know I am setting myself up for more scrutiny, but that is the story. I am respecting her request not to contact her while she is gone. I have constantly barraged her with talk of us and she has been receptive and respectful, now I am returning the favor. Plus, I think it will show her that I can go on without her if necessary. You have all said that I need her to respect me...if I call now, she will lose respect for me because she will think that I am only finding an excuse to call her.

Hopefully that clarifies. I am sure you disagree with my approach, but I have decided my course of action on this one. My focus now is for when she gets back and how I am going to win back my wife. Everything in my heart and soul tells me that she knows deep down that this is wrong, and I just have to bring that out.

I know that I have to set my boundaries. I realized today how well that works. Ever since this began, she will not let me see her undressed. The other day, she was doing her makeup in the morning, and I had to shower. I asked her how long it would be. She said it would take a while. I said, "Okay, I'll go to the other bathroom and shower." I don't see why she should see me if I can't see her. I realized that this bothered her because a couple of days later she said something along the lines of "since you don't want me to see you shower anymore" or something like that. Goes to show the cake-eater mentality. She still wants me to be the husband going about his business, while she tries to decide what she wants to do. Maybe I am making too big a deal about it, but I think it is relevant.

I have also been doing a lot of things around the house. I think she considers me lazy, because I started a project in the fall, but stopped over the winter. I planned on picking it up this week actually (I have some time off), so I have been continuing with that. I know that when she gets home she will see all the things I have done and realize that I may not as lazy as she thinks I am.

I know these are small things, but I like I read, right now I have a granite wall in front of me and I have to chip away at it little by little.

Okay, let the feedback fly! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok Lost, lets say this is perfectly legitimate and your wife is telling the truth and is at her parents home. Lets say her request that you DO NOT CALL HER mother's house while she is there is perfectly innocent. What would it hurt to call there and say hello to her to confirm this?

I can POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND why she would want to discuss this with her mother first, but it does not make any sense that she would BAN you from calling her there. Why else would she do this except to deceive you?

We have been at this for a very long time, Lost, and this has RED FLAGS written all over it.I don't think you understand the depths to which a fogged out WS will stoop to in order to deceive their spouse. We see it on here every day. EVERY DAY. Normally honest spouses go to GREAT LENGTHS to hide their affairs. This is VERY TYPICAL.

So, why not just PROVE ME WRONG and come back here and say "see, MelodyLane, you silly paranoid [censored] Texan, you are wrong!! My wife is exactly where she says she would be! I just spoke to her mother who handed the phone to WW."

C'mon, here is your chance to apply egg all over my face! PLEASE!

You're the 'man on the ground' and you'll do what you see as best. My opinion only, but if the truth ends up being other that what you think it is....I think there will probably still be time to address it.

Have you taken the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, btw? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html
I'm thinking maybe you could use some of this time determining what it is that you REALLY need from your relationship. What are your boundaries?

In all that you have posted, I see you as more focused on your wife's ENs than on your own. Maybe you might give some thought to that.

I truly do appreciate your concern. I know that people can concoct very intricate plans in order to deceive. My mind is at ease. She is coming back tomorrow, anything that I have gained by not calling will only be lost if I call now. Not to mention, that I will talk to MIL and, if there were any deception, it would come out. I do not want you to think I am not looking at this from your perspective. I agree I probably look very gullible. I agree this is a RED FLAG...not wanting me to call. She told me this a week and a half ago when she made the plans...that she didn't want to talk to anyone. She has said multiple times out of frustration that she justs wished she could leave for home at that moment. I know she WANTED to go home and talk to MIL. Get away from EVERYTHING.

I hope you understand. It is not that I haven't thought about this from every angle. I have. I just know there are certain things you can take to the bank, and one of them is that my wife wanted to go to her parents, wanted to get away and wanted to think about everything going on in her life. I don't know what she thinks she is going to find, but I will respect her wishes on this. I think she has wasted two weeks that we could have been working on this, but if she comes back willing to work on it, things will go much smoother because it will be her conscious decision.

One more thought on a different topic...sleep. I have to wait until I am exhausted before I can sleep. I will sleep for about 4 hours and then wake up in the exact same position I fell asleep in. Is this normal? Also, my mind begins racing, so even if I fall back asleep, I only do so for 30 minutes to an hour. Everytime, I wake up in the same position as I fell asleep in. It is concerning me because I have never noticed this before. I always used to roll around during the night. Is this just my body crashing?

I have just as much trouble with fogged out Betrayed Spouses who aid and abet their WS's every step of the way.

Lost - MelodyLane is right. She has been here a long, long time. She has seen this over and over again. If you don't get a clue soon, the game is over. It really is your choice.

You have a lot of reading to do on this site my friend. You talk about relationships being meant to be etc. You need to look at the Infidelity FAQ's on this site (linked in my Signature below) You need to look at Harley's basic concepts.

Your wife has betrayed you my friend and if you want to have the tiniest hope of getting her back, your justifications for her actions and blind faith in her "honesty" about her complete and abject dishonesty have to end here and now.

Lost2006, when a WS says they need "space" and need to get away "to think," it ALWAYS means: I need to get away so I can carry on my affair without interference. I have NEVER seen it be otherwise in all the years I have been here. Maybe yours is the first and I am perfectly willing to take that chance and wear some egg for it. But I seriously doubt I am wrong.

I find it extremely unbelievable that she would specifically request that you not call her while at her mothers. There simply is no valid reason for that, except for the very obvious.

I don't understand why you wouldn't just pick up the phone and call? She would have no reason to get mad at you for that. Why not just call, Lost2006?

The very fact that she exacted such a bad promise from you should tell you something very significant. Namely, that she is hiding something.

The problem is that your W will not be willing to "work on it" until she ends this affair. Women cannot love 2 men at one time. And until you get savvy and start working to bust up this affair, nothing is going to happen. As long as the affair persists, you have no hope. But you first have to take the blinders off your eyes and understand what you are dealing with here, Lost. Your wife is not honest, she has betrayed you in a very terrible way. And lying ALWAYS accompanies adultery. ALWAYS.

I am not trying to be harsh with you, but I see you headed for a moving train and you don't seem to see it. You WANT to believe there is no train there. But we can see it, Lost. We want to move you off the tracks before it is too late.

I agree with you BK. I have come a long way in only one day to realize that I have been appeasing W because I didn't want to scare her away. I was putting my faith in her to make a rational decision. Any rational human being could see the right choice. But a WS is not being rational. A WS is not being a loving S. They are being selfish, thinking of themselves. All I have been doing is thinking about her and disregarding my own feelings. I know I am in the clouds with the "meant to be" comment. That is my heart talking. Right now, I have to quiet my heart and think with my head. I agree with LJ that even if she were betraying me, I can still address it. I do believe that I have to show her some respect until she has given me no reason to. I am not justifying her actions. She is wrong. But I want to address this with her when she gets home. For now, I want to let her enjoy her visit with her family, and we will go "back to work" when she gets home.

I have seen the train coming. I expect to see it when she gets back tomorrow. I have little hope of her actually wanting to work on this. Maybe I am being too trusting, but I am not going to change my mind. I don't doubt your experience. I have seen WS's. I know they will do whatever it takes to cover their tracks. I also know my W. When we fight, she doesn't talk. She walks away and holds it in for over an hour at times. That's the way she is. I know what "space" means. It means get away from me so I can decide to hurt you without having to see who I am going to hurt. I have been there. I will also be more than happy to come back with egg on my face if I am wrong. I WILL talk to MIL, and it is not as though she would cover for WW. I will let you all know, either way. If you want to continue with this, that is fine, but know that I have made up my mind...especially because it is very late. I tell you what I will do. I know when her flight is "supposed" to leave tomorrow. I will call IL's house when I know they will have to be at the airport (the airport is 2 hours away). If they answer, that will tell me something right there. What do you think?

I have proof she is where she says she is. I logged into her checking account and she has made purchases in her hometown. Does that calm your suspicion?

No, all that means is she is where she said she would be but it doesn't meann she is not w/the OM. You never know unless you have a trustworthy source who can vouch for her 24/7 and even then contact in some cases has still been made to the OP (other person).

As for her talking to her mother b4 you, watch out. She may need to paint you an ugly color of hostile so that you won't have creditability. So regardless of her wishes...... you gave her time, go see how your MIL is doing and let her know you were told MIL w/b receiving some sad news, just wanted to make sure she was ok. Of course you are asking to find out what she's been told, then let MIL know you are still here for your family despite being abandoned by the WS. If the WS screams you beat her to the punch....ask her were you planning to visit your mom via China? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.

Somewhat. When you call her mothers today after your wife leaves, how about asking the mother how the visit went?

Definitely! I plan on finding out (hopefully indirectly...but I'll push if I have to) what WW said. I want to make sure she isn't painting me as apathetic, uncaring, pinning things on me, etc. I plan on laying it all on the line that I still love her daughter, am going to work on this if it kills me and I am there for the family if they need anything. Make sure that they know that I am in this thing.

I have another opinion question. I was wondering if I should wait for her at the airport (she drove herself and long term parked)? I can see the benefit of the surprise with roses in her car, but if she sees me there, it will have the impact that I am still her husband waiting for her to get home. At the same time, I realize it may look like I have been counting the seconds until she gets home (which I have, but don't want her to know). The other thing I thought about is what if he is waiting for her? Good time to confront the situation. What do you think?

That sounds great! And you do plan on telling them about the affair, right? That is the MOST IMPORTANT THING.

I think it would be a GREAT idea to show up at her gate and greet her. At best you could make some lovebank deposits, at worst, you could confront the OM if he shows up.

Also, if you would like to email me his name and town, me and my motley band of super sleuths could try to find his parents. Exposure to his parents and his workplace will be a very impactful exposure. He will know that you are not going to roll over and die without a fight.

I want to give you something else to think about, Lost. And it is in the way you view this ordeal. Your marriage is being attacked by an affair. Your enemy is the AFFAIR and you are AT WAR. If you do not pick up your weapons soon, you will die on the field of battle. You are not at WAR with your wife, but you are at war with an affair and with the alien spaceship that has captured the mind of your wife.

The woman sitting before you is not the same sweet, honest person whom you married because she is in the throes of an addictive affair. She is a wayward spouse. She will do and say things that are completely out of character.

The way to get your wife back is to do everything in your power to extract her from this affair. Once the affair is over, you can have your wife back.

But, that will not happen unless you man up and get on the field of battle. Trying to play "friends" and making it easy for your W will not save your marriage, it will cause you to lose the war. And what does that mean? It means that you deliver an all out assault on the affair. You don't negotiate away your only weapons in the name of appeasement and you don't pretend like every thing is alright. Appeasement will get you nowhere. You do everything in your power to destroy the affair, becuase it is your only hope. If you don't, the affair will win and your marriage will lose.

Are you ready for battle, my friend?

Yes, I am ready. I know that I have been trying to be "understanding" so as not to force her away...the thing I had to realize is that she is already away...no matter how innocent they both think they are being, they are destroying a what was a wonderful marriage. I will not let that happen. I have to show her and others that this isn't right. If it were okay, why isn't she telling everyone? Obviously there is something to hide. We may have our own issues such as communication, but running to another man will not solve that. The EA MUST STOP NOW, and we must work on building our marriage into something better than it ever was. I believe that is possible, but now I know that I can't sit around and wait for it to happen. I have to be proactive...take control and stand up for what is mine.

I realized last night that she is not my wife right now. I have seen completelylost continually refer to WW as an alien. That is true. My wife would never act like this. She is possessed by this EA, and I must exorcise those demons.

Thank you for the advice about showing up. I was just contemplating the line of loving and smothering...but how could she feel I am smothering her? We haven't even talked for 4 days! Plus, what kind of person would be unhappy to see someone that loved them so much that they were willing to show up and greet them when they got home? (An "alien" maybe) I have also been working on my appearance. I grew a beard back in Nov, and she never really liked it. We went to visit IL's over Christmas and GMIL and MIL loved it! W ended up saying, "It looks good, and you like it, so keep it." She never really did take to it though. She wouldn't really kiss me that much because she didn't like how it felt. I shaved it today. I had been contemplating it. She always loved when our cheeks would rub against each other right after I shaved. I won't push it, but if she asks my why I did it...I'm going to show her. I was also putting off getting a haircut, but I am getting one this afternoon. What do you think? Too much?

PERFECT!! You have exactly the right attitude. And I very much like your idea of shaving your beard. I would never dream of cutting my hair or changing my hair color unless my H liked it because that is very important to him. Shaving your beard shows her that you care about her feelings. Plus, she was more attracted to you without it.



EXACTLY! It is the failure of this realization that causes so much trouble in busting up affairs. She will not be back until the affair ends and her mind is returned by the aliens.

I can RELAX NOW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How about working on a strategic plan of exposure? I think that should be your next step.

p.s. when I said we would find his parents for you, I mean we would provide YOU with the number and address so that you could contact them.

I have continually asked her if she wanted me to shave and her answer was always, "No. You like it." I have really been asking her about it lately, and she is almost defensive. I think she knows that if I do, it would be for her...once again, she doesn't want me to do something for her. She wants me to be selfish...makes it easier. Plus, I think deep down there will be a part of her that is more attracted to me, and that never hurts.

I will begin developing a strategy. I also don't have a lot of info on him, so I'll have to do some digging and get back to you.

Thank you for everything. I am feeling so much more confident. I know that I am going to get my wife back! I just have to clear the fog out of her head caused by this EA.

here is a good place to start in your sleuthing on the OM: www.peoplefinders.com. It often will give PARENTS, SPOUSES, SIBLINGS names and towns.

I forgot to mention something about the "attractive" thing. That is, more or less, what she said her problem right now is. She just doesn't "feel the connection". She only looks at me as her best friend. I think maybe my appearance has had something to do with this. Although it is not like I have let myself go, SHE didn't like it. One final note on this situation. I remarked a while back that I felt more woman were noticing me with the beard. The other day when I asked her about shaving she said, "You said more women are checking you out now with it." I am starting to realize that even something that I considered so little may have been bigger than I thought...once again, taking little chunks out of that big granite wall!