I need help! I went to the airport to put the flowers in her car, and I noticed that her journal was there. I decided to read it. Basically, as I said, she has been as honest with me as she is with her journal. I am assuming that is very honest too because she usually leaves it around the house, but she has been taking with her lately. I read an entry where she says she looks at me as only a friend and she doesn't want to continue with this unless we are both 100%. I read the entry from the night she went out with OM. She talked about how the conversation was nonstop. She said it was one of the best nights in a long time. THAT BROKE MY HEART. She did also confirm that he didn't know she was married, and that she doesn't want to end things with a good husband unless she doesn't want to be with me. I am already talking sense into myself. She is disallusioned by EA. She won't go to PA, because she would KNOW that is wrong...she doesn't feel what she is doing right now is wrong. She is ready to give up on our marriage because she has lost the "newness" and is seduced by that new feeling. Am I wrong? Have I lost her? I was feeling so good about things, now my world has crumbled before my eyes. I am losing hope...

She was about as "honest" as falling down drunk under the influence of Mad Dog 2020. I am sorry your heart is broken, but she is saying all the textbook things that a WS under the spell of an addictive fantasy says. She is an ALIEN.

Lost, do you see how important it is that you bust up this affair? You can't get her back until that happens. When that happens, you can make her fall back in love with you with our help. I am here to tell you it CAN BE DONE. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DESPAIR ABOUT HERE.

Can you see how effective it would be to call up the OM and have a chat with him? Tell him about your marriage and ask what his intentions are with your wife. Tell him that you fully intend to do what it takes to save your marriage.

You have lost her, but you can get her back. Don't lose hope.

I don't think I have any hope left. The woman I have poured my heart and soul into is being led astray because of a "new romance". I do see how important it is to break up the affair. I have a feeling WW will only end up hating me for it, but what other option do I have? I have to do something. I am just so filled with despair. Why did I let her go? Why didn't I hold on to her as tight as I could and treat her as precious as she is? Now, she is not herself...I need to get through to that piece in her heart that belongs to me...I know if she leaves me, she will eventually regret it...I can't let her make that mistake. I will keep you updated...hopefully, I don't ruin things this evening with a bad attitude. I am going to read up on ENs and LBs before I leave...make sure I am ready for the first battle of this war. My wife means everything to me, and I am going to fight until the end.

Lost, nothing new has happened here. Everything you read in that journal was exactly what I would EXPECT her to feel. And knowing that, I am here to tell you that your marriage can be saved and that she can love you again if you stick with us.


Let me put it this way. Does a crack head hate you when you take his crack pipe away? YES. But only until he sobers up. And your wife can't sober up until you get that crack pipe away from her.

And look at the alternative, she WILL NEVER LOVE YOU as long as she is under the influence of crack. NEVER.

Your marriage can survive the temporary anger she will feel when you ruin her affair. But your marriage CANNOT survive an affair.

So, please calm down and let's stick to the plan here, Lost. THIS IS FAR FROM HOPELESS, I PROMISE YOU. Believe me, I would be the last person to blow smoke up your [censored], I tell em like I see em. This is FAR from over, my friend. If she loved you before, she can love you AGAIN.

CALM DOWN!

Thanks ML. I am trying to remain calm...the thing is, I didn't read anything I didn't know...I guess I was just fantasizing that everything had gone away, and reading that brought me back to reality. She had told me almost all of it. She never really gave me much hope. I guess what really drove a stake through my heart was the "best night in a long time" comment...I knew based upon the results that was the case, but I didn't want it to be confirmed. I definitely realize that CONVERSATION is a big EN for her...and we've been missing it...I've been missing it myself. Like I said, it was nothing new. The only good thing is that I feel like she is still not completely gone because she knows she has a good thing with me...but that can go away fast. I guess the overall result of reading that was I went from looking forward to tonight, to dreading it. I have to stay positive! Am I wrong...it is NEVER like it is in the beginning, but that doesn't mean it is not still good? It is probably better because you have a more spiritual connection than physical. Am I rationalizing?

It can get BETTER if you learn to meet her needs.

Lost, if you really really want to make this work, I would suggest phone counseling with Steve Harley. He is just brilliant and is worth every penny. He won't waste a minute of your time with nonsense, but will assess your situation and give you professional GUIDANCE [none of this "tell me about your childhood foolishness] and develop a PLAN for YOUR SITUATION.

He charges around $185 per session and is much cheaper than a divorce.

My marriage is not like it was in the beginning: IT IS BETTER. It is MORE exciting. We are passionately in love with each other because we have learned to meet each others needs. She can fall back in love with you if you learn to go back and do the things you did when you were NEW.

I agree! I am just scared she won't try. I said that we were missing conversation...a while back, we bought a copper bowl for fires to put in the backyard. I always dream of us going out there, sitting by a fire, maybe drinking some wine and talking. She is always so busy. One time I started a fire, but she didn't want to join me. I think she has to realize that I am willing. I have realized that I have failed to meet her need in this area too. As I said before, she would always call me when she was on her way home to talk. I was usually busy and didn't want to. I felt like we would just talk when she got home...but we didn't. We did our thing and that was that. I missed SO MANY opportunities for Love Bank Deposits! It is breaking my heart because I blame myself. I just pray that will be willing to work on it. I will do whatever it takes. I am just as in love with her as I ever was, I think she just has to let me back into her life and she will find it too. Last night I began looking at some pictures of her and just thought to myself that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Not only beautiful on the outside, but she has a beautiful soul...but I have to remember that the woman I see right now has replaced that beautiful soul and is trying to drive her away from me. When I was getting my haircut, I was talking about all the things she does and I ended up saying to the girl, "I guess you can see how proud I am of her." I almost lost it while I said it. The girl that did my hair was pregnant. I think pregnant women are so beautiful, and everytime I see one I think to myself, "My wife is going to be SO BEAUTIFUL when she is pregnant." I don't want to lose those opportunities. I want to spend my life making this woman as happy as she makes me. I won't give up, but I know that I have a long fight ahead of me.

Lost, I thought you were meeting her plane? Did you not do that?

I am going to..she gets in late.

I realize what happened this afternoon...I had prepared myself for her getting back and saying, "I love you, let's work on this." I was snapped back into reality that that isn't going to happen...it's not that easy. I think this was a good thing. I know the answer, but I wasn't wrong for reading her journal was I? I feel bad doing it, but I need to know EXACTLY what's going on. I just hate feeling like I am invading her privacy, although I know I am doing it for us...I have reason to...if she wasn't hurting me, I wouldn't have to do this.

ML, if you don't mind me asking, what was your situation? I am assuming you went through a troubling time...do you mind sharing?

I think a good way to look at it is that I was going to show "without my weapons" expecting peace talks when the enemy is expecting a battle. Good thing I didn't get ambushed!

Yes, it is a good thing! Now, don't you tell her you read her journal. You did the right thing. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. You are in PROTECTION MODE because you are being FIRED UPON on the field of battle by the ENEMY. You had good reason.

My situation is not that different from many around here except I have been a BS in 2 marriages. I have been through 2 marriages since 1999. In 1999, my H of 20 years left me for another woman.

I did all the wrong things and we got divorced. I threw him out, humiliated him, beat him up on the side of the road and basically made him extremely grateful to be rid of me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It is a serious lovebuster when your H has to RUN TO THE police for protection from you!

I was engaged to current DH a week after my D was final and married 5 months later. A few months after we were married I discovered he was carrying on an internet affair with an old GF. I threw him out and called the realtor. He asked me for another chance and said he wanted "counseling." So, I figured I would go to counseling with him a couple of time before I gave the bum the bum's rush. That way I could say I "tried" before I kicked the bum to the curb.

WELL, the C was a Marriage Builders guy and he changed everything! He gave me hope that my H maybe wasn't a BUM and I should give him a chance.

Anyway, here I am 5 years later and we are more in love than we ever were just frm using MB principles. He tells me "I grow more and more in love with you." He called me his "soulmate." So, it gets BETTER and MORE romantic, not LESS.

That's great! I actually got engaged to my current W not too long after my divorce was finalized (quick timeline...ex W left in Sept 2000, I decided to end it in Dec, starting dating current W in Jan, D not final until June, got engaged in July). We didn't get married for a year and a half though...we didn't want to rush in...plus since we were getting married in her country, we needed time to make all of the plans.

I have been thinking about this, and I realized that this is a challenge <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />! If she will try, it will be like when we were dating and I was making her fall in love with me...all over again...I even get to "enjoy" not knowing what's really going on in her...is she into me?...did I say the right thing? etc. I am being a little silly, but I have to look at this postively. I did not mean to imply that things get "bad"...only different. My main point was that you can never have that "first encounter" again...but in reality, I think it is overrated. I love the connection I have with my wife...it is so much deeper. I feel like she is my soulmate...that is why I am fighting so hard. Thank you for the inspiration...different scenario, but that's only in the details.