Sturgis,

Thanks for the advice. I think I got it right for a change. She called me after our date (late) and wanted to talk and set something else up right away. Luckily I'm taking my DD(24) out to celebrate her passing the MBA entrance exam and getting into the program the same night she wanted to do something.

I am going to go slow and stay somewhat aloof. I am enjoying being on my own for a change. 28yrs of together was tough to break away from and I don't really want to jump right back into an everyday relationship yet.

Karona,

I know how you feel but keep in mind if he didn't want to be with you did you really want to invest any more of your emotions in him? Be somewhat comforted in the fact he didn't just string you out. At least he showed some honesty and respect by breaking it off. Get back to the grocery store and play some bumper carts girl!

mlhb,

You seem wise to the dating scene these days. Why is it that every time I have a date with someone new they seem compelled to blurt out something like "I'm not interested in SF, I just want to be friends" or the even more suspense busting " no SF until I get to know what you are all about" right off the get go? I mean less than 10 minutes into getting to know each other! Are the men out there that shallow and cold that you gals feel you need to get this out so soon?

Speaking for myself I'm not even thinking about SF with someone I just met. Maybe it's because I am a BS with some lingering trust issues but this is getting depressing in it's own right. It shoots the suspense and excitement of getting to know someone new right in the [censored]. I feel that part of establishing a relationship is letting things flow naturally from the start. If you put this out there immediately don't you deaden the emotions and excitement you are looking to build on? Maybe it's just me as a man but it sure bugs me when this happens. Especially like last night when as she is saying it her hand is running across my chest and her other hand is holding mine. Even sounds like an contradiction on paper doesn't it?

Gekko,

Good for you! Keep allowing yourself to see new people and sooner or later you will come across someone that sparks that little something special for you. She's out there you just have to keep "reading"

You must be so proud of your DD duk. That's wonderful!
So I've read, that is what we need to do, not be available at all times. Keeps the mystery there and leaves the other person craving for me. Good luck!

Yes, you are right here duk, but what didn't add up is he appeared to like me quite a bit. He was the one calling me, searching me out, and asking me for dates. That's the hardest part. Then he drops the bomb.
I will give him honesty and respect though. And I appreciated that and told him so. Being a BS, I want nothing less.

Thanks!
Karona

well duk, I don't know that I am exactly wise on the dating scene these days but... My experience has been, even in just talking to some men, that sex conversation comes up right away. Not all men thank god, but a lot. I have felt the need on a few occassions to say to men "if all you are looking for is a casual sex relationship than I am NOT the one for you" I tried the internet dating thing for like 5 minutes. I did start talking exclusively to one guy for maybe a month. But the red flags started about 2 weeks into conversations (mostly through IM's ) a LOT of sexual ?'s about me, my preferences, etc... just really personal stuff. And this man had never even met me! THAT IS A HUGE TURN OFF IN MY BOOK. Tells me you are only after one thing. And, not to be a snob (keep your mouth shut gekko! haha personal joke between me and gekko) I do take care of myself and am a very attractive person, so I am told, and I feel good about myself. A lot of times it seems men look at me and think yea, I want a piece of that. I hate men like that. I demand respect and I so look down upon men like that, won't even give them the time of day. It's insulting. And I don't trashy or anything, very professional in fact as I am in school to be a teacher.

So, yes duk, sadly, for me, sometiems I do feel I have to say the no sex thing until there is actually some sort of realtionship going on. Tis the way of the world today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> mlhb

there is nothing wrong with that attitude, snob...lol

both of you, and to anyone else for that matter, deciding what YOU want and YOU need is what all of this is about. for years all of us were neglected (my case), cheated on, lied to, or just treated poorly. we should expect more and need more. our standards should be high and we should be strident in out beliefs. that being said, don't let one mistake from someone hurt a shot at a relationship. be selective, be paticular, but don't be such SNOB (lol) that you miss something good from someone.

i think all of you are doing the right things to find happiness.

Karona,

I have found that in my short time back in the dating pool that I have sudden and extreme changes in my perceptions and feelings towards GF's/Dates. Something will happen or something said and a nerve is hit or a hot button pushed and I am all done real quick. Like gekko said we are more aware and for the lack of a better term "picky". Doesn't make us bad or snobby as some would say. It just means we are being careful not to allow someone an opportunity to get that close if we aren't sure about them.

Hopefully when this happens we are sensitive enough to make a graceful and non-hurtful exit. Sounds like your guy tried (unsucessfully) to do this.

mlhb,

Thanks for the honest answer even if it made me even more depressed. Makes me angry that there are people out there that have so little respect for the other sex that the rest of us pay the price. I'd like to think better of people but you are right, times have changed! So if you felt you needed to say this to a date, what would you like to hear back from him at this point? I'm sure "see ya" and the sight of the back of his head is not appropriate. Nor would you want to hear "whatever". How is a guy supposed to respond without sounding condescending or trite? I stood there dumbfounded and sputtered out something that sounded sophmoric and contrived and it made me feel awkward.

Gekko,

Well said! Happiness is where we all want to be. Whether alone or with a SO. I prefer life with a companion myself, but the next companion for me is going to have my views and beliefs on honesty, trust and morality for sure. I'd like to hear the "snob" story on mlhb sometime. Mom was a school teacher too so I know about this tendency in them, that and their hearing is the first thing to go on them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sorry for the thread jack gekko......


I agree with you both. I also have been practicing the same. If I see/feel something not right, I cut my losses quick. Dating/feelings to me are serious. Because of a long term marriage, I feel pretty aware of keepers or deal breakers.


I think it's more of a case of the green eyed monster.
My suspicion is that he or she, or both, found out the other was dating and someone went back staking claim on their property.
He tried to be graceful/non-hurtful, but it still hurt[s] like crazy.
Not to mention the fact that he cried the entire time talking to me and said he hadn't slept all night.
I take that as there was something there, but something more pulling him back. [I'm not trying to be thick-headed, but trying to understand a male's thought process]

Thanks for sharing dukhuntr

Karona

sorry dukhunter, did you say something..I couldn't quite HEAR you! LOL yea, my hearing was gone a long time ago so my ex says.

I would like a guy to say back to me that he understands completely and feels the same way. that sex is something that will happen naturally when and if the relationship progresses. that would be fine with me. Than the pressure is off and I can enjoy myself.

snob story?? what snob story?? lol will share someday.. mlhb

mlhb,

I've been waiting patiently to hear this snob story, so when are you going to bust loose with it? Or was this another way to "keep the idiot in suspense"?

Bored and antsy tonight, I hope you are out there and have your hearing aids in and new batteries installed too! I have a blind date story for you if you are interested. I keep getting brushed off in the most inventive ways now. I think we should start a thread on the most creative ways to get rid of a BF/GF.

I'm interested in the blind date story.
Do tell........

Karona

Hi dukhuntr!! wondered where you have been. I shall share with you the art of being a snob when I get home tonight. gekko is actually a snob too, LOL, he can give you the male version of how to be one. haha

do share your stories, love a good story! mlhb

btw, don't need hearing aides yet, I currently just have what is called "selective hearing" LOL hahaha

Yea,yea,yea

Mom used to say the same thing about her hearing! Funny though, unless she could look at your mouth as it moved she couldn't follow a conversation. These days she is more comfortable at a keyboard too. Luckily she taught typing so she's a good conversationalist in this environment.

The blind date that I told you about last week has turned south on me. I think I hit one of her hot buttons or something. I can't think of anything I said or did(honest!) she just came out and said "I don't have time for a relationship right now". What relationship? We only went out three times in three weeks! Besides she's the one who got her friend to set us up in the first place. Why go on a date if you don't have time! You women are so fickle and emotion driven it's scary. Not much logic involved and way too many hormones to control regularly! (ha ha!)

The only thing I can think is that our time together went too well. At least that is what my ego keeps telling me! All she said after the "I dont" bit was "you are such a sweet man duk". The death knoll rang right there didn't it. No fun anymore, he's too nice to just go out and have fun with. Too nice must mean it's either serious or nothing huh? Go figure, I can't.

So use the selective part of your reading skills now and give me the lowdown on your snobbery. I'll be waiting to hear this rationalization.

I hear book signings are great places to meet single authors? Have you tried any of those lately?

Jan

I'm not mlhb, but I'm chime in......

duk~

I can relate. This sounds very similar to what happened to me with the guy I went out with for 5 weeks. And he was the one going out of his way to meet me.


Maybe? Possibly. But what then are men considered?


Very much the way I felt in my situation, time went very well.
And what did he tell me after, "I can't do this anymore"
"You're such a good person Karona".

Could she be like the guy I dated, rebounding? Forgot she had a bf that she's still in love with?

Sorry that it didn't work out.

Karona

ok dukhntr, just for you...

snob: I do not know what the official dictionary definition is, I will have to look it up sometime! I have been told I am a snob first off by my ex. I was called this because I chose not to associate with his low life friends from the low life volunteer fire dept we have here in this low life town that I am not originally from but was so luckily brought here with a job 11 years ago. Yes, these are the same low life people who have "supported" the good ole boys club that my ex seems to have been a 5 star member in. They had no problem with all of his lies and affairs and in fact his latest one,the straw that broke this camels back was with a member of that low life fire dept.

So.... if not associating with people like that makes me a snob so be it. I have also been called a snob, more so "high maintenance" because I take a lot of pride in my appearance. I like to dress nicely and have tons of clothes. I like to shop, get manicures, pedicures, hair done, etc. Bottom line is I love being feminine and I love to look nice for myself and for whomever I am with. I don't do all of those things for any other reason than they make me feel good about myself. I don't go into debt doing it either LOL. Oh yes, and I like to go tanning. So... because I take pride in myself and I don't hang with low life losers, I am termed a snob.

I am also a snob because I will not settle for anything less than exactly what I am looking for ever again. I will take the time to really get to know someone this time around, know them mind, body, heart, and soul! I know what I want and what I feel I would be compatible with, I know how I want to be treated and how I will treat someone. This time around the person will be deserving of me and I of them. Since there have been some men here and there interested but who I had no interest in because I felt they were "beneath" me, I am a snob.

There ya go dukhntr!! I am an official snob and I am damn proud of it too!

I am also a very easy going person who loves to laugh and just wants a companion who is as easy going as I am who takes pride as well, has morals and values, and won't settle for anything less either. I don't walk around feeling like I am superior to everyone although my ex would tell you I do. But from down in the gutter where he lives, it probably does look that way! haha

Any other questions there dukman??? I am all ears, and I will even turn them on! mlhb

oh, and about your date... is this the one where you said you were glad you were "opening the book and looking inside" or something like that?? I, for one, don't really understand women either. LOL I guess it depends on where they are at in their life at the time. I don't know where this woman is emotionally. I would guess maybe the spark just wasn't there for her? Or she feared being suffocated into a relationship? She started having some feelings and it scared her? Hard to say since I do not know her background. For me,where I am at right now, all I can say is this. When I first had my ex move out last year, I know I was in no way ready emotionally to give to someone else. I was a mess. omg, was I ever. Almost a year later, I have gone through my stages for the most part. I see how much better my life is now without him and I am so thankful I had the strength to end it. I am now fine with being alone, I know I can do it and be fine. I am now open to meeting others and allowing some into my life. I know what I have to offer to someone and what I expect in return. For me, I just really want to get to know someone, laugh, feel good. I am not one to date 2 or 3 at a time. If I feel there is nothing to build on I will stop seeing or talking to that person. No sense in wasting my or their time. Once in awhile someone really good comes along that you can see building something with, so you take the time to continue to get to know them, and if you are lucky, they feel the same way. It is a chance you take, because you let your guard down and there is always the possibility of getting hurt. But I am ok with that now. I am at a place where I can let someone in even at the risk I may get hurt. Nothing is ever a 100% guarantee, I think we have all learned that.

Go on to the next book duk, I am sure there are shelves of them out there for a nice guy like you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> mlhb

oh, and about the nice guy comment you made. I think nice guys get a bad wrap! after being married to a very very bad boy I could sure take a really nice guy! I'll take nice and boring or I should say nice and respectful and secure and laid back and fun that way, over bad and not so fun any day of the week.

mlhb

Karona and mlhb,

Thanks for the hionest and thoughtful responses. It helps to know that my thinking isn't so far out of whack. Maybe because of what we have been thru we are more demanding of those we are either dating or in a relationship with. It's not wrong just more than some people are used to and more than they are willing to deal with.

mlhb, I would not describe you as a snob for what you described in any way. You are just trying to be the best person you can and want to associate with people you feel comfortable with. That is not snobbery, that is life the way you want to live it. Good for you! I for one will be in the grocery store bumping carts hoping someone else is looking for a "nice guy".

Thanks!

ahhh duk, there are a few of us still out there who do like nice guys... you will bump carts with one of us women one of these days... ;-)

mlhb

I'm with mlhb on that one.

I'll take a nice guy bumping into my cart anyday!

K.

I hope I won't be joining the divorced, but if I do you all are encouraging (and hilarious). Gives me hope to stay or go, that life is tough any path you are on, but has much joy to offer us as well. Good luck to you all!

look for me in the health foods, karona in the wine aisle, and mlhb in the chocolate.