I have been married for 39 years to a wonderful woman. The first 10-12 years were "ideal" then, my emotional needs suffered and I traveled the road to sexual and relational addiction with multiple affairs since. My wife and I have seperated and reconciled several times. Her commitment is outrageous. This last time, I trust is the final affair. I met my college student, for one year as friends, one year as lovers and this third year as newly weds for six months.
My wife moved out and to Atlanta and has been there with my 36 year old daughter and 13 year old grandson. We communicate and she has become physically ill from my previous indecision of wanting the marriage and wanting my new wife.
With all that being said, most of the paiN behind us, I still miss and love my wife of 39 years and but for the memories of my previous marriage and the pain that I have caused her, I do not have the peace that I need for a full commitment to my new wife.
Note: my new wife, meets all my emotional needs and some. She is 17 years younger, active, same profession and job.
SHALL I MOVE ON OR RETURN TO MY PREVIOUS WIFE. ON SOME DAYS, I COULD JUST SHOOT MYSELF - JUST KIDDING - BUT HELP.

ONCE SCHOOL IS THAT I MAY NOT REALLY LOVE MY PREVIOUS WIFE AND ITS BEST TO JUST LET GO. ANOTHER SCHOOL - THIS ONE - IS THAT MY NEW WIFE IS THE PRODUCT OF AN ADULTEROUS AFFAIR AND IT SHOULD END. WHAT SAY YE?

You have already moved on...how could you think otherwise. You are now married and have taken vows to a new "wife"....and why would your ex wife ever take you back?????

You had numerous affairs when you were married to her? And just when did you decide that you still loved her....It sounds like you are only concerned with love of yourself. I don't think you knew or know how to love either of you wives. Get some help.

i'm wondering if this thread is bait of some kind...

^thought i was too new make the same post. i agree.

As the saying goes:

THE OTHER SIDE ISN'T ALWAYS GREENER, IS IT?

You made a vow to love and to hold, for better or worse, to your second wife. She was the OW, yes, are you going to hold it against her for the rest of her life or are you going to take responsibilities for your actions and decisions?

Now you said so yourself that your new wife meets your needs. Shouldn't you work at meeting her needs too? Your second marriage (or any marriage, for that matter) needs work too. Don't expect that everything will be smooth sailing-- that would be unrealistic.

Recognize that you are now bringing a lot of guilt into your new marriage, and probably a lot of other baggage and habits from your first marriage too. Until you work that out within yourself, your relationship with your new wife will be marred.

Take time to grief the loss of your first marriage. Make POJAs with your ex wife and your new wife in regards to your children, healthcare etc. Make the best of the past by learning from it and be a better person/husband.

ANOTHER SCHOOL - THIS ONE - IS THAT MY NEW WIFE IS THE PRODUCT OF AN ADULTEROUS AFFAIR AND IT SHOULD END. WHAT SAY YE?
Your second marriage is the product of an adulterous affair, not your new wife. Both of you are participants in the affair... both of you, knew what you were doing. Do not shift all the blame to her. Do not ever treat any human being like a piece of furniture, easily discarded, dismissed. Always remember that you are human and you have your own faults too. Love and honor what you have. That's what I say!

Correction. You were married. You cannot still be married and have remarried (not legally, anyway). She is no longer your wife. You don't seem to get that. SHE IS YOUR EX-WIFE.



Really? What meaningful steps have you taken to address the reasons behind your compulsive cheating?


Your ex-wife.



"wanting the marriage" What?! There is no marriage. Have you seen a psychiatrist over this?



Seems to me you need a therapist.



Do your EX-wife a favor and forget about her. Please?



In what way does the years of emotional torment due to repeated infidelity you have put her through equate to love? A lot of words come to mind - narcissism, sociopathy, compulsion, obsession, addiction - but love is not one of them.



I say I am not qualified to diagnose what is wrong with you, but it is probably extraordinarily difficult to pronounce.

A marriage that is the result of an adulterous affair can never be morally valid. Assuming you have no children with the OW, I would recommend ending the "marriage" now.

I have to disagree with Nellie this time....the new wife "deserves" him. JMHO Pat

Thanks for your reply. My core values are the reason for the conflict, not confusion. Therefore, my choices is what has brought me to this place. The unrest is due to a violation of those values. How do I know you asked, because wife #1 said she would take me back. Why, cause she has an outragous commitment to THOSE values, I did not.

Thank you for that. Your words are meaningful.
I do not intend to shift blame to w1 or w2. I will endure the consequences of my actions for sure. My issue is the conflict and unrest that comes from my violation of my life long values. This results in no peace. A return to w1, although not what I want emotionally, but what would be a principled decision would provide the peace. Both w1 and w2 asked me to make that final decison what ever it will be in order to past the point of no return and move on.
I invite your comments on this.

Please comment. On what basis do you suggest, ending the marriage with w2?

No the grass is not always greener on the other side, but sometimes it is. Here the grass was greener for sure, but once on the other side, the maintenance of it is different.

How would it provide peace? Do you think a "principled decision," when it's not what you want emotionally, would be peaceful?...peaceful for whom?

If you return to your Ex-W, are you willing to get counseling, both IC and MC? (I think IC is in order whatever you do.) Are you willing to truly commit to your Ex-W? NO affairs, and particularly no-contact with your current W?

If you stay with your current W, are you willing to get counseling, both IC and MC? Are you willing to truly commit to your W? NO affairs, and no-contact with your Ex-W other than milestones in your child's/grandchild's life (in which case, I highly recommend your current W attends with you)?

I'm interested in your thoughts.

your xw and I should hang out...plus dd's my age. lol...


your xw and I have tons in common.

BTW...your sham marriage to the ow is a marriage built on NOTHING BUT QUICKSAND....may look like land...might appear stable, but when your foundation is built upon lies and deceit and against God's will, your union WILL NOT BE BLESSED.

sorry,

my xh married the ow...and he's not stopped cheating on her since. sad sad sad. and it's also sad when he and I do the daily exhanges of ds before/after school, when he hands me something (my son's clothes or papers, or anything,) his hand will linger on my hand, and he looks at me in the eyes...something he DID NOT DO IN AFFAIR MODE...and it is so sad.

but he did it.

and I will not ever see him again unless he is single, WORKS ON HIMSELF AND GETS INCREDIBLE PROFESSIONAL HELP TO CORRECT SOME OF THE SAME ISSUES YOU'VE GOT (narcissism for one)...

meanwhile, I am a vibrant and attractive young woman here in atlanta.

did I fail to mention to you that dating guys is SO EASY IN ATLANTA? your xw, the peach of a woman she sounds as she is, wouldn't be single long here. She's a pearl and smebody will ...WILL TREAT HER RIGHT IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF DOING SO.

my condolences to you for your affair marriage and its future demise.

Having lived this horror myself, I do not pad anything when speaking to a WH who has divorced his precious wife, ripped his family apart, and married the paramour. Not at all.

I tell it straight...I tell it as it is.

It will not last. affair marriages are doomed. period.

I don't care what the OW'S STATUS IS NOW...MARRIED OR NOT...SHE'S STILL A WISTRESS IN MY BOOK. AND THE W...THE REAL WIFEY, NUMERO ONE, CARRIES THE POWER, THE LEGITIMACY, AND DEMANDS THE RESPECT.

Incidentally, I think I first coined the phrase "wistress" here at MB. Wistress (WI-from wife and istress-from what they really are, MISTRESSES)...And the state of a union when a man marries a wistress? Very very unstable union. Should not imho, be legal as most of these marriages fail in a relatively SHORT FRAME OF TIME.

justpeachy, you go girl! mlhb

justpeachy

I don't want to threadjack, but I want you to comment on my thread, this is something I struggled with and I did find a peace about it. I am going to start a new thread called Beliefs about marriage & divorce.

Thanks

Ann

I do not mean to offend, just to be direct and honest.

What are your core values? Have these always been your core values? Why did you not think of your core values when you had multiple a on your 1st w?

You need to seek professional help because regardless of who you are married to or if you decide to remain single the rest of your life, there is some internal reason why you have chosen to violate on of the most sacred covenants. Do you know WHY you cheated? I mean do you really know WHY you cheated? It had nothing to do with your w. It had to do with something within yourself. Until you find out what that is, acknowledge it and work toward correcting whatever it is, you will not be content and you will continue to cheat.

If you are sincere and get help and your w is willing to give you another chance, then you are probably one of the luckiest men in the world. If you just want to go back to your w, because you can easily cheat on her, then do everyone a favor and leave her alone and let her go on with her life and maybe she will be blessed and meet a wonderful man who will cherish her and truly love, respect and appreciate her.

IMHO, you should leave your ex-wife alone. You have caused her enough pain for 39 years. She deserves better than you will ever be able to give her. Tell her you are a jerk and she should move on and MOVE UP!!