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No, I see how you can't read it on the road. That would be dangerous.
LOL
Okay...disappointed because you expect your partner to respect you and she's failing that expectation, correct?
You feel frustrated that your expectations are not being met...and they are fair expectations, correct?
You are focused on her and everything she is not doing, correct?
Yeah, I would feel frustrated and disappointed, too...heck I was, very much so...until I chose to take my focus off WH and put it on myself...self-care, making my standards and boundaries, becoming safe for myself, all that stuff I've shared.
Your choice.
Oh, and that DJ to yourself...about your life being nothing but one big lie...gotta say, OUCH!
LA
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Oh, and that DJ to yourself...about your life being nothing but one big lie...gotta say, OUCH! I knew you're gonna say that! It was just a moment of weakness for me. No matter what will happen I will be OK. There is a saying back home (there might be something similar in english too): Good people will fall on their feet no matter how hard/difficult their fall is. I just translated it word by word from romanian and it might not reflect the true meaning of it but I am sure that LA would understand it and translate it properly in english. Right, LA? Tongiht I had a very nice dinner, then I wasted 20 bucks in the Casino (slot machines) and then had a few drinks at the bar (beer beacuse that is what I love). It felt good and relaxed me. Tomorrow I will have the second and last day of training (boy it was boring today...) and then head back home. I did call my WW today to inform her that I will be in Detroit today and be back home tomorrow. She then felt "obligated" to tell me that tomorrow she will be on vacation therefore she would take DD2 and her parents downtown. I said OK and then hung up. I had a cold voice that didn't "say" anything. What should I expect next? I don't know anyomre.
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IK, You are not even beginning to understand what LA is saying and I know that because I was in exactly the same position. cc46 drilled it into my head and I am finally just beginning to get it. You are totally missing the point and it is something you should stop and re-evaluate because it is too important to miss. LA said Yeah, I would feel frustrated and disappointed, too...heck I was, very much so...until I chose to take my focus off WH and put it on myself...self-care, making my standards and boundaries, becoming safe for myself to which you replied What should I expect next? Until you begin to understand and embrace what LA is telling you, the answer to your question is "disappointment". You are placing expectations on WW and she let's you down. She complains that you disrespect her because you won't answer a phone. You complain that she disrespects you because she is having an affair. I can hear in your tone you are angry. Probably justifiably. But it accomplishes nothing and gives you ulcers. Look, I am only beginning to grasp this concept and I still don't fully understand it based on my continued mistakes. I am sure LA will get you going the right direction because she is a far better guide. I have said before that if you don't have any expectations, you won't be disappointed. I thought that was a bit fatalistic but now I see it was closer to the truth than I realized. Please don't ignore what LA is trying to tell you. You are focused on too many little things and not seeing the big picture. Ask her what she is talking about. Remember that, right now, you don't have a marriage and don't have a relationship with your wife. There is nothing to fix there because it doesn't exist. Work on you and only you. Some day if the relationship with WW redevelops, then you can work on it. I am not saying give up on WW. There is a time and place for everything. Right now this time is for you alone. Calm down, open your mind and listen very carefully to what LA is saying. Make her repeat it.
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I am focusing on myself. But in the presence of my WW I can't say a word. I simply can't. Looking forward for mi IL's departure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />(Tuesday afternoon).
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Is today the talk day, just the four of you, with ILs?
Make it happen. Open your mouth to them, please.
You limit yourself through your WW. Her presence. You are doing this to you. Your self is trying really hard to be heard, loved, accepted and known for what it is. It is swallowing your own words to break you apart from living through WW. Please listen, heed and know this.
Speak today. Do not fear speaking correctly or wrongly, for matters worse or better. Speak because you are as equal as everyone else, you exist and you matter.
Speak because you value yourself, are worthy and respect.
You can do this.
LA
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yeah....
what LA said....
Ditto...
Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.
~~Buddha
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(((Dylan)))
I vacationed in Lake Tahoe...live in Colorado. So when I say, South Tahoe's beauty blew me away, I'm really saying something!
Giggle Giver...when I have that t-shirt made...I'll need one for John, too...what do you think his should say?
How are you and your son dealing with John working away? How's your life? How's your heart, soul and all the molecules?
LA
(Traic...think "How's all the molecules?" is Douglas Adams coming through? Hope he's met my best friend David by now. And that they're having a blast.)
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yeah, you are....
I've travelled through colorado...it is one of the most picturesque and awe-inspiring places I've ever seen....at least through a Greyhound bus window...lol
as for the other q's....well, I'll process and talk to you on up-dewt's thread....I don't want to hi-jack iknow's thread...
and thanks for finding me on waitings thread, iknow, and letting me know where you were.......
Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.
~~Buddha
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Thanks for pointing out the t/j to me. See, when dear IK's tongue is stuck, and he's not posting, giving me ALL his attention, I turn to others to pass the time, let him know I'm present and waiting.
Good intent doesn't remove the disrespect...and it smacks of his WW, doesn't it?
I'll look for your own thread, 'k?
LA
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no, it doesn't smack of his ww....truly...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
smacking and ww in one sentence...
oops!! sorry...little daydream visual there...
LOL
Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.
~~Buddha
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LOL Well, I wanted it to smack of his WW's choices...because we all have them. We betray and self-betray all the time. Knowing this eases the focus off pain coming from the outside and gives us a chance to see it already within us...our part, our control, our own cure possible. I love smacking and WW, and boby's WH in the same sentenced...and sentenced to smacking. A gal can dream. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> LA
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he he he
you.....giggle giver..you....
Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.
~~Buddha
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hi guys,
I changed my name to happy, maybe because i cry less and less these days.
I am waiting for those IL's to leave already.
We spent the weekend together, but I don't think it means anything or I am not looking for one.
Hoping for a better future
happy (aka - boby)
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Hey, Happy...you're right, I forgot to say Happy instead of your other name...
I hate subterfuge and find it unneccessary and mostly destructive. Not my thread...and I'm choosing to go along to stay a part. I can live with that.
Now, Happy...why? Why spend the weekend together? What was your decision based on?
LA
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LA, since he left we spent every weekend together - reason - he comes to stay with the baby so I can rest - this week end was easter weekend for us (orthodox) and he phoned and told me he can stay with the baby if I want to cook. I said OK. He left last night and came back this afternoon. I did tell him to stay if he want to and he said no he doesn't want to. I told him somebody will get upset if you do, he said no.
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I'm so confused, Happy.
I don't see your reasons...are you saying you do this so you can have rest from mothering during the week? There are other ways. I don't see why Holidays involve him anymore...he chose to move out, separate, living in adultery...your choice is to not do that.
Yet you are choosing to do that.
Why do you say he can stay if he wants to? Why give him permission to cake-eat? To have his need for family filled by you and his need for fantasy filled by her?
Your choices are yours. You are doing this. You are who I am here for, not him.
LA
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LA, I do have some reasons why I let him be around us - when he left and we did not see each other for a week, he came home that weekend with her attitude all over him, I was loosing teritory, I felt that I don't have any influence on him anymore - so I decided that I don't ask him to come but if he tells me he wants to come I accept. But you are right this cannot go like this for to long. It's been a week since I want to sit down and write him an email saying that he has to choose between coming home or just leaving us alone, sign those paper (he did not sign them yet) don't call us everyday, don't come 3 times a week. But everytime I sit down to write the email I "black out" I cannot write a thing (it's like IK's tong missing). Today after he left he called to tell me he got there OK, leter I called him I wanted to talk with him aboout us, to tell him make a decision already, but again I could only say "hi, what are you doing, the baby is fine (the baby was crying when he phoned earlier)
Does it make sense? I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say anymore. What do you think?
I spoke with his mom today and she was telling me that she feels he will come back to us (she has this thing - she is dreaming stuff that ectually are true).
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I like how you related your black out to IK's tongue missing.
If you will allow my influence, I will tell you why.
You are of two minds...two selves...one is much younger than the other. One was formed long before you met your H. The other has a lot of experience. The other doesn't. Guess which one has more? Not the older...the newer one.
That's right...wisdom is coming from your newer self, and your older self is the most immature. Kinda upside down. Your older self retains most the power...it's older, knows how to manipulate her life; the newer one looks to the older one, though the newer one has all the adult knowledge from experience.
Stop letting your older self black out your newer one. You do this by moving your focus off of WH...and onto you. To look at and to know these two selves, understand how each were formed and to really understand them, know their limits, your own dynamics.
Each time you think of WH, bless the thought and let it go. Return your focus inward.
The more you do this, the better you remain where all your power is...in you. Your choices become more logical, less painful to yourself; your perspective clears up and you will no longer black out. Both selves are full of information you aren't hearing...listen to your selves.
Each time you think of something you desire from WH, give that to yourself. Turn inward your needs and meet them.
Do not allow WH to come to the house, see his baby boy or communicate to you at all. Nor you to him. No letter or explanation. Focus inward...even if it means changing your email and phone numbers...the locks on the doors.
Do this so you can heal you, know you, and stop being torn. So you can find your power, your choices, which are solely yours.
No other intent. Just you for you, paying attention to and caring for what has been yours all your life, separate and equal, to everyone else.
Breathe, stretch and love the way you love...yourself.
LA
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LA, once again you are right. You are so right. One of these days I will find the power needed to "save" myself. One of these days I hope very soon.
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Since everyone else is changing their names, I thought I would do the same.
Happy,
When are the IL's leaving? I thought it was more or less about today? You say your husband sometimes has her attitude all over him. To me that can be a good thing. After a while, he will begin to not recognize himself. He will sense that something is wrong. JMO.
The artist formerly known as "traicionado"
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