As an FWW, I told the whole truth right from D-Day on.

No one has even considered how horrible it is to keep twisting that knife. The assumption seems to be that it's completely self serving to not tell the truth.

Maybe in some cases it is (continued contact etc) but any normal person who is trying to recover does not want to inflict further pain. It's human nature.

It is only through coming to MB that I've realised how desperately the BS needs to know the whole truth. My H didn't want detail but time frames and time lines were EXTREMELY important to him.

cheated on,

No, you don't leave your WS immediately if they lie to you. My cryptic point was that often BS's foster the atmosphere where lies are not challenged because the BS is afraid to produce what they perceive as conflict. Plan A is a very difficult step to apply correctly and the issue of no LB's is interpreted as doing everything you can to avoid any unpleasantness. Boundaries are an important component of both Plans. They need to be carried out with the strong undertone of a self-respecting, confident and unwavering establishment of those well defined boundaries.

Cymanca,
Ok, I got you. I just wasn't sure on what you meant. And I guess I am in that position now. I can't even ask a little question, or my H will hang up on me. He is in a mental ward and now I just sit here and walk on eggshells talking about things. And after my 2nd d-day on Monday, I have so many questions. I guess I'm at the point, though, where I won't believe a word he says anyway. But I hate not being able to mention anything about the new revelation because F?WS is so fragile. It's like the BS can never catch a break in this whole process. There are always new revelations around every corner.

-CO

CO, did he have some sort of breakdown when the bits of truth came out. Did he check himself into a mental ward? That is very serious stuff. Is it guilt do you think? Or is it because he's feeling like the victim? If it's because he feels like the victim he has a long, long way to go in maturity and facing his own character.

{{{{{{{{{{CO}}}}}}}}}}}

Yes, he had a breakdown when I found out the last revelation (which was revelation # 2). I confronted him at his job and then left. I wasn't with him then, but MIL called me and said he was talking about committing suicide and that she needed his insurance card. I gave it to her and then the next day my H calls my brother from the mental ward b/c his parents' admitted him and he admitted himself.

IMO, I think he finally saw his whole M coming to an end considering I told him if there was anything else he was lying about, I would file for divorce immediately. I feel he didn't tell me these things b/c he was being selfish again and didn't want to lose his family. He has also said this to me numerous times. I said to my Mother yesterday I think the truth actually hurt him more than it hurt me. Odd, huh? I guess we all know who the strong one is!

I honestly don't know if I can get over this. I was having a hard time getting over just the ONS I thought it was. Now I have so much more to deal with.

-CO

Well, CO, (we're talking on two threads) I think the horror of what he's done has hit him. Believe me, if he wasn't terrified of losing YOU and the children he wouldn't react like this.

I also think that because of the threat of divorce he will clam up and keep clammed up. It really depends how much you want your marriage how you react to further revelations. You may feel, and it is a perfectly acceptable response, that you really don't want him or your marriage and that too much damage has occurred. If you do want him and your marriage though and you can bear to hear everything and make it safe for him to tell you (ie no threats of divorce) you really do have a chance.

Jen,

Yeah, we are talking on two threads.

But I'm actually at the point where I don't think I want to know anymore. I can't handle another revelation so I think I'm not even going to dig anymore. This is way too painful. And a lot of people here are making me realize they are still lies from the past, not the present. It just concerns me b/c after finding about 15 (past) e-mails in my second revelation, it has shown me how much he has been lying to me, even stupid little lies that he didn't even need to lie about. I am worried about this. It really concerns me. Is he a compulsive liar? I never caught him in any lies in the 8 1/2years we've been married and that is why I am so concerned now. What has happened to him??

-CO