S&C, awww... he's cute! How could you compete with that?

As for my WH's MOW... I spent literally years comparing myself to her. She's 28 years younger than I am. Heck, she was 3 years old when H and I first met! And she admired him, as he put it, "She shines for me". Besides her youth, I looked for every other way in which he saw her as "better" and/or "more desirable" than me. I saw her lack of physical attractiveness, as well as her other less desirable attributes, as reflections on me - I thought I must really be pond scum if he'd choose her over me!

It's taken me a long time to realize that WH's choice had very little to do with me. Yes, she met needs I wasn't meeting, but they were needs he wasn't allowing me to meet, for which he was actively seeking satisfaction outside our M. A big part of my personal recovery has been rebuilding my self-esteem, which includes not comparing myself to MOW - or anyone else for that matter - which is an ongoing challenge. I'm certainly not an unbiased judge of her positive attributes, but from what I see, she's nothing I aspire to be.

I don't know how I'd feel if she was beautiful, talented, and intelligent as well as young. It still comes down to how I judge myself.

LetS,


I'm more cuter!


I'm sorry, you can't be pond scum. I reserve the right to exclusively use the term "pond scum" to describe an OP. However, my W's OM is actually the "sticky stuff" the holds the pond scum on the bottom of the pond. You can't see it in the picture because pond scum cannot thrive in direct sunlight.

Blessings to you.

S&C

Hi All,

I am older than my husband by 10 yrs. - so I always felt I had to be in top condition, looks, manners, intelligence, so my husband would be proud of me and not be tempted to stray. I never really gained any weight since in high school, even after having my children - still 110 lbs. I've been lucky enough to have my dad's good genes and look 10 yrs. younger than I am - no need for any plastic surgery - don't believe in it. I always felt proud, when my husband would get/gets compliments on my looks and what a great wife he has.

In my mind, I always thought if my husband would ever stray it would be with someone younger than me and at least nice looking and a nice person.

When I met my husband (almost 21 yrs ago), standing at about 6'3" and 175 lbs.- wore size 32 pants - now he didn't get taller as the yrs. went by, he got wider - he now weighs 238 and is teetering on size 38 pants. His belt is below his waist, not on his waist - has salt & pepper hair. But, to me I never really noticed the difference in him - I still see him as that handsome man I met - still love him to death.

I know, if I ever gained even 15 lbs. - I would never hear the end of it. Women are so scrutinized. Yes, I am in shape, attractive, but my husband still compares me to women half my age, models on tv, and to people who have had plastic surgery. I’m never compared to women my age! Why is it that men could gain weight, get out of shape, get gray hair and wrinkles and no one even cares???

Like I said the OW, is just plain ugly and looks like white trailer trash – skinny, saggy boobs – even though she has no chest. The first time I met her (she was my husband’s secretary) was at a retirement party for someone in my husband’s dept. This was going to be the first time I was going to meet everyone in my husband’s office - so, I wanted to look my best, dress nice, shoes, good impression,etc. When I got there I was shocked at who my husband introduced as his secretary – she had on a tank top, no bra – boobs sagging, a denim mini skirt with frayed bottom, had an orange tan, flip flops and a cigarette dangling out of the side of her mouth. Mind you, everyone else was dressed business casual. By the end of the night she was drunk and hanging all over all the men in the office. This is a woman who is 47 and wears this stuff in the office – has been for 20 yrs. and no one says anything. My husband and I both laughed at that time because we both thought she had just come from the “Jerry Springer Show”.

I guess, after a while he forgot how she looked and her bad habits – could he have bought a paper bag each time he was with her – or was it pitch black in the room or maybe he didn’t have his glasses on???? Now, he says he doesn’t know what the heck he was thinking – feels like an idiot, just when he would look at her after it was over.

So looks don’t mean a thing!!!And, yes, the OP listens to all the baloney the WS can dish out. The WS just has to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and has to be willing.

From Penalty Kill


There are plenty of men who like a large woman, so it's not surprising to me in the least. More on that in a minute.


And the same holds true for me.


I have never gone for "gorgeous" men, but my H is very handsome in a rugged way. Great body, which is what I tend to notice.


My H has had plenty of opportunities. I am not sure that he always recognized them. As he says, he doesn't give off those vibes. Good.


It depends what you mean when you say "matter". I think that for some people looks matter more than for other people. But I don't think that you cheat more if you're good looking or are less inclined to cheat if you are plain. I think that opportunities to cheat are everywhere if you are not a hermit, no matter what you look like.

In my case, OM resembled my H - tall, dark and handsome. My former fiance was the same, and I tend to run to type. But inside, the OM had a vacuum where his conscience should have been. We had that in common, he and I.

I am a more pneumatic, athletic version of his W, now his ex-W, so there were definite physical similarities. She is a small person too. She is only a year or two older than I am, so the age difference is negligible. My H finds me much more attractive which is very kind of him, considering what I did.

As I understand, the OW that OM left his exW for is, in his ex-W's words, "a big huge person". The "big huge person" also has a big huge salary, apparently. I remember going to a party years ago and hearing OM's ex-W talking loudly to all who would listen about how she made more $ than her H. Interesting.

This is so true!

My FWH is 14 years younger than me, OW was 16 years younger than me and she was fat, unattractive, unemployed and ultimately demanding and selfish once they began their affair. I am petite, blond and look younger than OW. FWH would comment to OW about women who looked like me on TV and how attractive he found them. Drove her nuts.

But, they had been friends for years (long distance) and she knew every detail of what he didn't like about me and she knew exactly what to say to FWH to lead him willingly into an affair. What she didn't know was that the only thing she really needed was to be willing.

Today I actually wish that he had left me for her, then his current state of unemployment would be her problem and not mine. FWH has been fired from nearly every job he has ever has or left before they had a chance to fire him. In each of these cases, I have listened to him rant on about how it was everybody elses fault. I have supported him emotionally and financially through all of these troubled times. OW would never have done that.

The truth is, I am done doing it myself. I have reached a point of indifference. Not hurt, not angry, just tired and dreadfully bored with the whole situation. Our recovery roller coaster has run it's course. We had the early honeymoon period, some real rough patches and for awhile at least, I truly believed that our marriage was better than before the affair. Now, I think it is worse than ever and I can't even put my finger on why other than I am tired of trying.

I am having a very bad day today.

Who

A couple of thoughts about this topic as I have thought alot about this issue....

*Our society is based alot about superficial looks and youth so as BS's, we quickly go to that as an ready explanation. We aren't attractive enough, young enough, etc. Physical attractiveness is important...but I think A's can happen to anyone.......I think of situations such as Heather Locklear and Sienna Miller who IMO are knockout's.

*As for me, I am ten years younger than my H. I keep myself fit, weigh the same as I did in high school. I never saw the OW, but H described her as unattractive, a poor dresser (would wear clothes left in a box on the street if available) and could not speak or write English very well. OW lied alot. She was horrible at sex and he recognized that she could not satisfy him in that area.

*H and I are a mixed-race couple and I always thought that if H was attracted to someone, it would be of the same race as him. However, the OW is the same race as me which lead to some issues that I am still dealing with.

*The A happened because H failed to protect his weaknesses. He is a self-admitted insecure person. We had a conversation based on an article we read on creating boundaries/safety in marriage. He admitted that he flirts which is what opened the door to this trajedy and then the slippery slope. I guess it was how she made him feel about himself--admiration and she provided him companionship.

*MB has been an eye-opener. I really worked on filling his needs for recreation and admiration which is helping our recovery. I worked a little bit more on the attractiveness aspect...grew my hair out (which we both agreed on) and lightened it...now people say I look a fifteen younger than my H!

I think sometimes an A is about attractiveness, but I would guess that more often than not, the OP is often less attractive or just downright ugly is sooooooooo many ways....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

For us, the OM is my stepfather, nearly twice the age of my WW. I have described him as "dumpy" and overweight, with a mostly unkempt appearance. In addition he is terribly socially awkward, almost obsessive/compulsive which bothers most people who are around him very long. (E.g. at dinner: "Do you want some potatoes? How about peas? Bread? Butter? More peas? Can I get you anything? Is there anything I can do for you??" You get the picture.) But my wife likes what he does for her, so that matters more than what he looks like or his lack of social graces. He meets her ENs better than I was, and now no matter what I do now I fall short of him. She says I am much better looking than him, but unfortunately for me looks don't seem to matter to her. I think if one of your spouse's needs is to have an attractive spouse, then make a good effort to look your best, but know that even "Hollywood couples" with "perfect" bodies cheat on each other all the time. There are so many other factors. I would easily get bored with a supermodel who was also a bimbo and lacked any culture or class. Focus on the needs particular to your spouse, and watch for any weak points. Hopefully it will work out for my M, but if not I have learned quite a lot on this thrill ride my wife is on.

Tell me this? He TAUGHT me!! He SHOWED ME!!

(I think it was Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
WAT

Hi all,

Look at Halle Barry - isn't she every man's dream? What man wouldn't want to have her? She and Pam Anderson are my husband's favorites. Pam is a little bimbo-ish though. But even Halle couldn't keep her husband from straying. Her husband cheated on her repeatedly before she divorced him. Even my husband said, "is her husband stupid or what"? I guess I don't count!!

Movie star, everyday people - it's all the same. Looks don't matter.

Woundedheart: I don't know what the h--- your wife is thinking. Take her for a visit in a nursing home - that will give her an idea of her life with him in the future. I hope he has a good prescription plan - that will keep his viagra refills going, in his golden years!!!

I've read some of your wife's posts and I don't want to sound mean, but talk about being in a fog. But, your step-dad and her children's grandfather - come on now, she's got to stop NOW! Not only will she be hurt in the future, but she will also hurt everyone else in the family. It's never too late to stop.

Good Luck to you both.

I would like to thank everyone for the great discussion. Of course it can continue, but I suspect we'll all be pretty busy with all-things-Easter for the next few days.

I'm not sure we made a definitive decision about anything (except that WAT and JL like their Sierra Nevada Pale Ale! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)... but it was enlightening to read all your responses!

Happy Easter, or Spring, or Long Weekend, everyone!