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Joined: Jun 2005
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WH came by a bit ago and gave me back the gas bill. He can't pay his 1/2, he can't pay the garbage bill I gave him.

I was outside at the time & he pulled into the driveway. I just started to mow the lawn(which I have NEVER done). So here's his 100 lb. wife with this bulky lawnmower - I was doing pretty good actually. He pulls up & DS runs to his door - brings me the envelope. Inside was a note stating how he could pay. How he couldn't afford to take DS anywhere(which is a big lie - he takes him out to eat all the time)

He ended the note with "I will always love you" He said he thought it was wrong for SH to use finances as a leverage.

CRAP!!!!!!!! So what the heck am I supposed to do. I have to cancel my session w/Steve next week b/c I have to pay his bills.


What do I do? I am beside myself.

Kim

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kim
you are not alone thats what the board is here for to help all of us in these trying times. if you need to talk we will listen and try to help so don't worry.


merrily, merrily, merrily, life is.....
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Has WH left any tools, toys or equipment at the house that has any market value?

Do you think that WH is doing this to elicit a certain response from you? Or he is just too wrapped up in his own little world to worry about gas and garbage and real world stuff.

((Kim))


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story
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Thanks - I so need the support right now.

Oh, there is all kinds of stuff I could sell. He would be FURIOUS. He has some guitars that are worth some $$. A friend of his left some recording equipment of sorts. Has been down there for two years.

Here are my thoughts - I will give him the bills back with a note:

WH - Please pay these as you are legally obligated to do so. I know you have been taking DS out to nicer places and attractions. Please cut back on your spending. I have turned of the satellite dish and cut back in so many ways to help out. You are still responsible to make sure DS and your wife has electricity and gas in the home.

There is a way to get out of all of this mess, but I need to know that your Affair is over.

Love,

Kim


D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim, all he had to do was end his affair and come home. He wasn't willing to meet even a minimal condition.

I suspect he is pulling this crap because he hopes it will force you to refinance and bail him out. Since pretending to go along with counseling didn't work [and you can see how serious he was with that!] he has found a new ploy.

The way I see it, you have TWO choices:

a) refinance and give him money so he can continue to finance the chase for the OW AND pay his bills

b) retain an attorney and get your damn money

You can see that he hasn't the slightest bit of interest in recommitting to this marriage RIGHT NOW, so you may as well get yourself legally protected.

Quote
There is a way to get out of all of this mess, but I need to know that your Affair is over.


Kim, he KNOWS the way out of the mess. Instead of saying this, can you say:

"You know the way out of this mess, it is clearly outlined in my letter."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Got it Mel -- I am going to look at my funds & see if I can still squeeze enough $$ for a session w/SH.

HOPEFULLY WH will decide to pay the bills I give back to him w/the note. If he thinks right now is bad, our childcare will go up at the end of May at least double.

Again, I am realizing he is putting this all back on me. Poor WH. Stand up & be a man.

Kim


D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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I WILL NOT REFINANCE WITH HIM CONSIDERING THE STATE OF OUR MARRIAGE. I'D RATHER SELL THE HOUSE FIRST.

Kim


D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Just an update from me.....

Hope everyone had a nice Easter.

Things have not changed at the moment for me as far as WH is concerned. He still pushes the financial sitch & I wait to see his plan. Had counseling with SH today. I decided to have WH do the first 1/2 b/c I truly felt like SH needed to talk to him again. I am glad I did that.

WH has been given the same homework from SH because he didn't do it the first time. I am to wait until WH delivers his "plan" to me to make me feel safe. SH said that if WH would have done his homework that the finances would probably fall into place.

Here is a bit of good news!! I got my belated annual review today & got a raise(not a huge one, but I'll take it! YAY. I got a bit of a promotion AND am moving into a little bit of a bigger office. The owner of the company said she just doesn't know what has happened with me, but I have really blossomed since December/January!! More confident, more of a leader, contributing, etc. I ended up confiding in her that I had WH move out in October & I had been going through some life changes. That I have really learned a lot about myself over the past year.

She said whatever it was, that it was very positive! Go figure. She said that maybe WH will grow as a person during this too. I told her that I hoped so.

I am reading a lot more which is nice too. It is so hard to slow down & do nothing. One of my goals is to learn how to relax more!!

Take care,

Kim


D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Quote
The owner of the company said she just doesn't know what has happened with me, but I have really blossomed since December/January!! More confident, more of a leader, contributing, etc


Do you think it has anything to do with the fact that you started managing your own life instead of letting life manage you? You were at the mercy of a crazy, selfish wayward spouse when you came here. You changed that situation entirely by taking back control of your own life for you and DS. I still can't believe that you have come so far, Kim. I have great admiration for your strength.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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p.s. Congratulations on the promotion and raise!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Congrats Kim... Your doing wonderful keep it up .....


Hurting


BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You go GIRL!!!

Amazing what a little self confidence can do.


aka-confused42
BS-45 me
WH-42
DS-14 & DD-12
together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs
"I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04
D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06
5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06
Recovery finally began Jan 2007
We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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Thanks Mel & Hurting -

And you are right Mel. Alot of the changes in me have happened b/c I took a stand for myself & my Marriage. That I am not letting myself be manipulated and have removed myself from a WH. I owe so much to what I am today to everyone here.

I sang praises to SH today about this forum - MelodyLane, were your ears burning today? Mimi??

Kim


D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Thanks Confused!!


D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Quote
WH has been given the same homework from SH because he didn't do it the first time. I am to wait until WH delivers his "plan" to me to make me feel safe. SH said that if WH would have done his homework that the finances would probably fall into place.

Kim:

Two things.

I want you to again know how proud everyone is of you here. You have morphed into a much stronger woman, who is self respecting and has self love. Your job performance and raise is just a microcosm of things in your life to come. So, no matter how this all washes out, you know you have yourself to count on.

There is no greater gift than that. SH, ML, myself, even your WH can never give that to you or be able to take that away. Sacking up with your 100 pound frame pushing a lawnmower to mown your lawn is so much more than you probably think it is on the surface. That is all heart. It is a good thing to know that I didn't swallow 42 lbs worth of crow and get 1 month of dysmotility of my intenstinal system for nothing.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I happen to think you cannot rely on your husband coming up with a "plan" after some homework assigment (that he has no intention of doing anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) and expecting your finances to fall into place. I would NOT take any such risk. You, for better or worse, are going to start having to legally protect yourslef and credit from your cheating husband. Your husband (a coward no doubt) is down in the dumps financially and yet he still cannot summon even the energy to create a false plan to get back in your financial graces. Perhaps, some could think of that as "good"...but I think it speaks volumes. I think emergency sessions with SH are great and all, but you are rapidly approaching a time when having hope and a "plan" with your WH are all drinking the kool aid---FOR NOW.

So, don't get down by what I say...(I am still clueless about all of this), but I want you to watch out now. This is becoming alot more serious than thinking/hoping the finances will fall into place with a plan to make you safe. Steve Harley is no doubt an expert marriage counselor, but he is NOT a lawyer and he is NOT a financial planner/expert.....remember that.

Lem


Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.

I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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Just checking on you Kim. Hope you are having a good weekend.


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story
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Thinking about you, Kim... is everything OK on this rainy Saturday morning? You had said something about reading more... today's a good day for it!

I mowed the lawn the other day, too, just the front. I guess I didn't do a good job, b/c there was a note on my mailbox yesterday from the neighbor saying he wanted to mow the lawn for me. He probably saw me struggling with the lawn mower.


(Formerly SadMommy05) BS, 29 (me) XH, 27 DD, 1 M, 2001 high school sweethearts OW, 36, divorcee, "we have a friendship people can't understand" WH left out of the blue 9/5/2005 I filed 11/1/2005 D finalized 6/20/06 XH and OW married 1/6/07. Ugh!
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Quote
I want you to again know how proud everyone is of you here. You have morphed into a much stronger woman, who is self respecting and has self love. Your job performance and raise is just a microcosm of things in your life to come. So, no matter how this all washes out, you know you have yourself to count on.


Lem - thanks! I appreciate your post. I am getting back to the person I once was(& a even better person at that!) I owe a lot to everyone here at MB.


Quote
So, don't get down by what I say...(I am still clueless about all of this), but I want you to watch out now. This is becoming alot more serious than thinking/hoping the finances will fall into place with a plan to make you safe. Steve Harley is no doubt an expert marriage counselor, but he is NOT a lawyer and he is NOT a financial planner/expert.....remember that.


Agreed. Steve did tell us to meet with a financial planner. I have looked into a coach from Dave Ramsey & WH even called him(but questioned the plan!!) I am still very cautious here. WH contacted someone at the local bank also.

My co-workers lawyer friend never called me....disappointing, BUT I was concerened w/this contact anyway b/c he is on medical leave of some sort(emotional hardship). So, perhaps that's a sign that I need to find a lawyer elsewhere.

Jean - thanks for checking in! Hope you and the girls are doing great.

SadMommy - The day turned out pretty yesterday, huh? Ended up getting out - got DS's hair cut, etc. That was nice of your neighbor to offer to mow the lawn!! I don't think I'll have any offers here(my back yard has this wonderful slope that is not easy to mow)

I plan on having another session with Steve in a few weeks. I want to see what his thoughts are on my putting the house up for sale.

Have a great day!

Kim


D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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I love Dave Ramsey. I have done some very effective snowballing of debt. If your WH doesn't like Ramsey's views, has he suggested an alternative? Has he proposed a plan for you to review?

Congrats on the job situation!


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,873
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Hi KIM,

Keep up the good work!

(((((((((((((KIM))))))))))))))


XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
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