One more thought - "I wear my ring and the heart neckalace every day."

o.k.= that's it.

Kim

I would put pictures of you and your children in the pckets of his tux. Imagine the look on his face at an event when he reaches into his pocket and your pictures come out. Make sure they have his name on them so others can see it is his family vs the 'thing' he is dragging (OW) around. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

S&C mentioned something like there's a scary evil side 2 me. He maybe right. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

OOPs - Lost my post. That would be a hoot!

Would that be giving him a "fix" though? Sticking some pictures of me & DS in his jacket. He could then look at us whenever he wanted.

still strongly considering giving him his ring though. Have it on top of the bag in a box.

Thanks Orchid!

Kim

O.k. - I think I have talked myself out of putting the wedding ring out with his Tux. It doesn't mean anything to him anyway. I don't think it would accomplish anything by me putting it there for him.

Kim

WHY KIM?? Why do you keep doing this? You are supposed to be DARK. DARK. DARK. GO DARK, KIM.

Sending him these little love lectures only gives him the fix he needs to go chase the OW another day.

I know. I have talked myself out of it.

I just put his Tux downstairs for him to pick up. With nothing else.

At least he will see some of the things I have done in the garage. I have been cleaning it out slowly. A huge shelf that he had a whole bunch of tinkering stuff on has been cleared off and thrown out. The shelf is sitting now near the garage entrance waiting for the next yard sale!!!! I put his Tux on top of that. The garage is looking so much better now, and I haven't gotten everything cleaned out yet.

Going out of town today ---- Mel- Happy Mother's Day to You one day early!!

Thanks!

Kim

Kim, Happy Mothers Day to you too, my good friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Kim - you are absolutely right. He IS stringing you along, and you are biting and hanging on to every little string he throws out there.

And this is exactly what he wants.

I think you are making the same mistake that almost every BS makes - you think he is trying to "choose" between you and OW.

That's not the case.

What most all WS really want is to have BOTH. They want both a dependable, comfortable spouse waiting for them at home AND all the fun and excitement of an OP.

When a WS gets caught and then says, "I'm confused," they don't mean they're confused as to whether they want the BS or the OP.

They're confused as to how they can go back to having both of you now that they've been caught.

Understand?

Kim, you must understand that whenever you contact your husband in any way - especially with loving little notes - he does NOT see or hear your pain in any way.

All he sees or hears is, "Good! She still loves me. She's still waiting around for me. She'll wait forever. It's safe for me to pursue OP because Kim is still around and I've still got both of them."

That's why your notes and affection and care during Plan B are so extremely counterproductive. All it does is reassure WH that you are still loyally and patiently waiting for him and he is safe to pursue OP without fear of losing you.

Does that make sense?
Mulan

P.S. Don't put any notes in the tuxedo, but I do like the idea of a picture of his wife and kids in the pocket which can accidentally fall out in front of everyone during the festive event he's attending with OW.

Heh.
Mulan

You want to REALLY send him a message?

Have boxes of his stuff stacked up next to his Tux.

The way to his heart is not loving gestures, but MOVING ON gestures.

Mulan and Melody are so right, you are not reaching him with love notes or "please come back, I am waiting" messages.
Thats a big Yuck to a WS.

Thanks Mulan & Lexxy ---

Didn't put any notes out. I can see how the feeling of "Kim is patiently waiting" can let him feel very comfortable with where he is at.

I didn't have time to put any boxes out, but I hope the fact that I cleared a bunch of his stuff out sent a little message.

And weird thing, he didn't take his Tux. So, I brought it back upstairs. I have been planning on putting boxes of his stuff down there.

He did not however bring me back my tax stuff. I had given him a deadline of today - either finish his & give it to me, I will take care of paying the accountant OR just give it back so I can at least get mine done separately. I will have to get the message to him to give me my tax stuff back.

Thanks Mulan for your post and making that more clear. I had been lured back out by his fake reconciliation gesture.

I think he's got another "flame" though. Should I spend energy trying to find out?

Kim

I've got to stop listening to WH's voicemails. He called this AM after DS was on the bus. Message said that I didn't put out the right bag, the Tuxedo is the one with stripes on the legs. Ooops. Asked if I would put it out for Tuesday. And, "Oh, I hope you had a Happy Mother's Day."

Well, I am going to say I didn't listen to the VM. I am not putting out his Tux.

On to another issue. I got a call from DS's kindergarden techer. DS is misbehaving in class, saying "stupid", "wenis" and "butt". He is not focused lately, talking when he shouldn't, etc. etc.

Of course, I am the one who has to deal with it. How do I communicate or SHOULD I? communicate to WH that DS is NOT o.k. One thing that stood out to me with a prior session with Steve was this: Steve asked WH how DS was doing. WH said "He is doing just fine."

DS is NOT doing just fine. I told DS today that if he could tell me anything, that if he was sad, upset or just needed to talk that I was here for him, I wanted to know if anything was bothering him. I tried to relate a story to him from my childhood to help him open up.

WH is not around DS like I am. DS is NOT doing fine. He misses his daddy SO much.

I asked him later on tonight if he could have anything in the world happen to him, what would it be. First he said "nothing", then he said "To have Daddy come home." Then he said "Oh, yeah. And to have the TV channels turned back on." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I turned off our satellite a few months ago to save money. I thought that was kind of cute.

Sometimes it's hard being the only parent. I feel like I am doing something wrong to make DS misbehave in school. He has had a bit of an attitude toward me lately too.

Kim

That's a tough one about DS at school, Kim. Definitely a sign of him acting out his bad feelings. I think you did the right thing by trying to get him to open up, but I wonder if he's capable of doing it. Does he have a 3rd party grown-up he can talk to, like a youth pastor or someone like that? Maybe that would help him?? I don't know. I'm not good at advice for this sitch, since my DD is still so little, so I don't know what you're going through. Maybe ask his pediatrician?

I am thinking of taking him to the counselor that WH & saw for a short time last year. She offered to "visit" with DS to see how it was doing. I haven't seen the counselor since last September, but it wouldn't hurt me to go through some IC myself.

It's tough.

I was trying to think of a delicate way to suggest taking him to a counselor... I think a visit with her would be very helpful. Probably for both of you. How are you holding up?

Thanks for asking.....I have my good & bad days. I have been thinking about him too much lately though. I just have to let it go. I really think I have done all I can. I keep telling myself to just take the HUGE HINT and move on.

Time heals all pain, huh?

How about you? Sounds like you have a pretty busy schedule ahead of you.

Kim,
If it is any comfort to you, my DD's both went to counseling for a little while. My 8yo was having a tough time, but the counseling helped. My 6yo especially liked the "Healing Hearts" board game that teaches about the path to acceptance. She said Daddy was still in the "sticky bog" which is the mud pit you go to if you don't stay on the path to new tomorrows.

Is your DS's school out soon? What are your summer plans for him?

So watcha writing a letter about, lemme seeee lemme seee.

Just kidding, trying to cheer myself up.

How was DSs day today?

I don't know that game "Healing Hearts" ---- sounds like one DS and I could use. Thanks for sharing!!!!!

Mainly my letter is helping me let off some steam. Something WH said in a session with Steve is bugging me & I need to let WH know that DS is NOT doing "just fine." I am already on my second version b/c my first one was also going to give WH a big fix.

WH sent DS up with a LATE card from WH for Mother's Day and ONE chocolate truffle(that I feel like throwing in the trash). His note said:

"You are a wonderful mom, doing a great job raising DS. I am always amazed at how smart he is and at his good manners. He gets all of his best qualities from you. I love you for everything you do as a Mother. You are the best. I'm sorry for all of the trouble I've caused. Happy (late) Mother's Day! Love, WH Sorry this card is late. I couldn't find a card that I liked."

So, I'm supposed to feel good that I got a card? It's late b/c he is SOOO caught up in his selfish new life.

I am asking once again for the tax stuff to be given back to me so I can at least get mine done.

Kim

Oh, and DS got another frowny face at school. He has been getting those a lot lately.