Like one truffle out of a box of many??

If it helps any, WH gave me a very thoughtful gift for Mother's Day, no card, but a movie that only he knows that I like. That hurts worse, I would rather be an afterthought than to know that somewhere deep down in the abyss that is his soul - that he still cares enough to actually look for something I would enjoy.

The truffle was packaged beautifully in a small gold box. At first I thought it was a ring!!!! Silly me!

What I really hate is the "I love you for everything you do as a Mother."

Jean - it was very thoughtful of your H to pick out something he KNEW you would like. Wow. Your H surprised me. Did the girls do something for you too?

Kim

The girls didn't really do much, every once in a while during the previous week, they would catch each other and remind themselves that the girl scout leader said be nice to mom all week. They made little flower pot memo holders in girl scouts. Since they are with me all the time, they have a hard time doing something to surprise me.

I don't know how to read WH's gift. I give up trying. I know when I don't care about someone, I let the kids pick out whatever they want to, no matter how impractical or unappreciated it will be. For Christmas, I let the kids pick out a Robot Gum Dispenser, a radio controlled car and a 6 pack of root beer for WH. I don't think I gave him anything from me or had any input into their gift.

I don't like opening a gift that has WH written all over it. I would much rather have boxes of stuffed animals, at least those I would know are from the kids.

Funny, my gift giving and receiving issues was one of WH's problems with me. He wanted to bring me a rose, I wanted a Nutty Bar. I never acted ungrateful for the rose, but Nutty Bars made me veddy veddy happy. He did not like that, he wanted to give me a flower and didn't really care what I liked, he needed to follow the manual to romance that he had read.

I once dated a guy, very sweet guy. For our first dinner at his place, he had a box of Captain Crunch and a bottle of Amaretto. Interesting combo, but those were two things he knew I liked. My best friend gave me a box of Nutty Bars and a bottle of Grapefruit Scented Ajax Dishwashing detergent. I love that stuff, it almost made me cry he was so thoughtful.

I guess I am just too weird for WH.

I know this is totally against Plan B. But, I am making some decisions here & believe I am ready to really move forward with my life.

I sent down a note today to WH. Sharing with him some of what has been going on with DS & behavioral problems and the fact that although WH believes DS is "doing just fine." that DS really isn't doing just fine. That he misses his daddy incredibly. That a neighbor's dad played surrogate dad the other day & threw football with DS.

I also listed out things that WH had noted to me that he loved about our M. And said that I loved those things too. I didn't go any further than that as far WH & I are concerned. The two things that always seem to get through to WH are that DS misses him and memories(good of course) about our M.

I am not trying to use DS to manipulate WH, but believe he needs to know how DS really is doing. I am tired of WH not being exposed to DS's pain. He should have to deal with it too.

I guess this is kind of my test to see if I get a reaction from WH. I think I need him to "reject" me a few more times so I CAN move on. I know his doing "nothing" is rejection in a sense, but I guess that I need a more literal experience. It will give me the momentum to do some things that I have been thinking about.

I have been thinking that if WH & I were divorced that I would not stay here - I have to consider what is best for me and DS in the long run. Is it best to stay here where basically all I do is work, clean the house and take care of DS? or move near my family where I could have a bit of a social life? DS would be able to see his cousin ALL the time and they would grow up being like brothers.

The schools here are great! So, that would be a drawback unless I could afford to put DS in the private school that is near my hometown.

There are other things to consider too - where would I live mainly.

Another drawback is that I am concerned that I wouldn't enjoy the job change. I love the industry I am in. The career change would be a huge adjustment, but the potential for me is better in the long run financially to go into business with my Dad and brother.

I'm just thinking out loud here.....

WH and DS would be two hours apart. I would OF COURSE, consult a lawyer locally first before moving towards this path.

I am not sad, just ready for a change. Ready for something to happen. I do have a vision that includes WH in my future, but that may not come to fruition.

Kim

There's no getting around it, Kim.

The more you contact him, the more you enable his A, the longer the A lasts...any unwrarranted contact with him AT ALL sets you back....

Contacting him WILL NOT bring the A to an end.

He will get his fix from you with any communication and will FEEL BETTER about being with HER.

I had to learn the hard way.

Until I cut off ALL communications and my WH believed I was SERIOUS about MOVING ON...he was SATISFIED..

DO YOU HEAR ME?

SATISFIED!!!

IMO, there is no getting around what the Harleys recommend and doing it YOUR WAY...

ETA: Being that he is a WS, he cannot be an adequate parent..he does not have the capacity..his main focus right now is the A and the OW....THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE THIS..that is the experience of PLAN B..recognizing that you are POWERLESS over this NOW...

Mimi -

Perhaps I am just ready to move on though......I realize this is out of keeping in Plan B. Maybe I don't want to save the M anymore.

I don't know.

Being in Plan B for going on 7 months now is getting a bit old for me. I have needs too. I have proven to myself that I don't need a man to make me feel worthy.

WH is out there doing what he pleases. I am here, being the good wife and mom.

How does one continue in this Plan B stage for longer than 7 months??? I guess it is all about how much you love your H. I guess I didn't really love mine all that much.

I know I sound awfully negative right now & I expected that letting you guys know that I broke Plan B would not go over well.

I hope you don't take that the wrong way......

Kim

This note will either move me forward with our without him. If it enables the A, then so be it.

Oh, and when I move forward I won't be divorcing him just yet. It will just give me the momentum to move forward COMPLETELY without him emotionallly and physically. I am not going to want his help for anything. He won't be contacted at all regarding $$, childcare or diddly. I will make it so that he is out of MY life completely.

o.k. I wasn't sad. But now I am crying.

In Plan B, you're moving on anyways...

So what's the point in contacting him if you didn't think it would move him towards you?

When you contact him, YOU are the one that is deciding to end your M....

But that's my problem Mimi. Although I thought I was moving on, I was just really waiting. I know that I have grown as a person and gotten stronger emotionally but I have done this all the while waiting and hoping that WH would come around.

I am much happier b/c my WH is not around to know me down emotionally and drain me.

One of the problems I have with Plan B (and maybe I just don't get it entirely) is that although it is supposed to give the WH the experience of divorce there is one element missing. And that is that the WH KNOWS that the BS is not going to get involved in a R outside of their M. So, what does that leave? Moving? Getting involved with social activities? Well, Heck. In a Plan B, the WH has no clue what the BS is doing. So HOW does the WS know that the BS is not JUST WAITING. And not moving on?

My point in contacting him was most likely to convince my brain and heart that I needed to sell the house. To say Hey, Kim -- guess what? WH is not going to make a decision on anything until he is forced to. And he will have no control on my decision on whether to stay here or move two hours away.

And that has always been the case with WH. I think that even if his R is over with OW that he won't make a decision unless it is pushed in his face. So, since I am not divorcing him and I am here always, then he has no reason to do a darn thing.



No, WH decided to end this M when he crossed the line and started an Affair. I will not take responsiblity of being the one who decided to end the marriage. He had every chance in the world to step forward and save this M with me.

Mimi, don't take above the wrong way. I am just fed up. Geez. This posting style is definitely not me today. Maybe I am in an argumentative mood.

Kim

Kim:

Well....I think this is just another one of your misguided attmepts to "move him" and get him to do something. You sent that note totally with the premise of getting him to act. You are gonna die one frustrated woman if you continue to do this. WHy is it that you still continue to think that your WH is gonna be "moved" by a note...or "wake up" after hearing that your Ds is struggling.

For the record, I am not gonna call you out ever over going against Plan B, not my style as I am not a "Plan" expert or any of that....BUT, watching you stay mired in this personal ****** is hard. NOONE can tell you when "enough is enough"....There is NO AUTHORITY that says you have to do 2 years of PLan B (ridiculous notion)...so, I say you are either "in" or you are "out". You have the right to tell your husband that enough is enough and get on with your life or you can continue to "Plan B" and let him come back to you ON HIS OWN. Continuing the letters and contact in the hopes of getting through to him are killing your efforts. I personally would have no problem if you told him....."I am done".....you have earned that right...but statying in the middle with this ticky tack stuff with him is so wrong. Your defeating yourself here.

Lem

Lem, maybe it is just my one last attempt here to see if my H is anywhere in sight. Yes, I just need to get slammed in the face one more time so I can realize that my H thinks that I am worthless material for a wife. That he does not desire me any longer as a woman.

No, I will not be surprised at all to get not one ounce of action from my H on this note. I was and am prepared for that

I just got done mowing part of the lawn and the whole time was making a mental list of the next steps that I need to take as far as removing myself further from my H.

Kim

Oh come on Kim...cut the BS here. Your throwing a pity party and are becoming some glutton for punishment by doing this. STOP trying to GET YOU WH to make a MOVE or a decision...This is just another attempt for YOU to get HIM to make a decision for you. Stop that nonsense.

You are better than this. Don't lower yourself to this level. It is beneath you.

Can't you see how harmful this thinking is to your self esteem?. Your lying, cheating, broke, nearly bankrupt husband will NEVER have the right or authority to question your "worth" or "material" as a wife....so WHY are you looking for answers to questions HE HAS ALREADY ANSWERED !!!!!!!!or better yet, does not have the qualifications to answer. (Yes, I am yelling).

Lem

I"m just tired Lem. I'm not saying that what my WH thinks of me is how I think of myself. I don't need his approval. I know how this is coming across though. I am not meaning to have a pity party, but it sure sounds like it.

You are right. WH does not have any authority to question my worth. I am better than that.

Lem, I really am doing fine other than being in what I am beginning to feel is limbo land. I feel like my most important job right now is to be a great Mom. I just can't seem to get out of this "hermit" life I have created for myself. It's me and DS --

I need to turn over a new leaf & meet some new people. Besides you guys on MB. You are great and all, but my social skills are going down the drain.

Thanks for knocking me on the head Lem.

Kim

See Kim, this is good. now we are getting to this crux of the issue. Your lonely....I get it now....You are to young to be living as a hermit. Adult companionship and conversation is a healthy, normal everyday need. Being a great Mom does not mean you can't have all of those things.

You are going to have to get out of your comfort zone a little and try to make new inroads to other things in your life. Ask a coworler to lunch, try and join a scrapbooking club, join a gym...there are many many things for you to do to meet new people (and NO, I am not talking about men companions).

Up untill now, you have just provided excuses for living the hermit life....."my husband left me" "I am broke and can't afford it".."I have to be there for my son".....BUllpucky.

Your husband is a low down, cheating scoundrel ( in my book)...but he is NOT responsible for your happiness or your choice to live as a hermit. He has enough blame in this life, I wouldn't give the slug anymore than he deserves. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You need to GET A LIFE (and I say this in the kindest, well intentioned spirit ever).

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Kim, I think you are feeling much like I've been feeling. There comes a time when Plan B just doesn't cut it. For some of us, it's hard to be dark and still move forward. I have not had a life. I have been a hermit. I have been in limbo. Not really waiting but not really healing.

My recent meetings with my CH were interesting. I do not believe they enabled the affair or his conduct any more tan any Plan. It let me see where he was at. It let me work through the pride issue. The ole "maybe he's just too proud to come back." Okay, that's horse pucky.

These meetings took me from limbo to action.

You've read my thread about MC and delivering the divorce papers to CH. The responses I've gotten back from him (which I have not answered) are so anemic, that it makes me wonder WHY I'd want to be married to him. Instead of hiding in Plan B for another month or year or decade, I'm taking control of my life. I deserve better.

Lots of people on this board had good marriages before their spouse slipped into infidelity. For them, Plan A clears up some of the damage and makes the CS realize what they've endangered. For couples that were really close before the A, Plan B is a real hardship for the CS. That makes Plan B so effective for them. It's a great system if you have the material to work with.

I don't think it's rationalizing for me to believe I've had a crappy marriage for some time. There hasn't been the passion and commitment on CH part. Maybe not mine either. None of the plans made much of a difference. It was time to move on.

I support you Kim.

Grape, Glad you're at peace with your decision, and it seems to work for you.

Let me clarify about Plan B, however. For myself, I don't WANT to hear his rationalizations, anemia, whatever. That's now his stuff. Plan B made it that way for me.

For me, contact would have been continually reopening a wound, continually being sucked into arguments (even if in my own head), continually resisting the urge for a verbal potshot, continually half-believing his lies, and trying to make 50 cents into a dollar.

For many, if not most, of us, Plan B is what enables us to "cut the cord." I wasn't, and am not, "hiding in Plan B for another month or year or decade" -- I'm cutting off one of life's pollutants, in my case, forever. This is what I call "taking control of my life."

Again, glad it worked out for you according to a different pattern. I'm not claiming it's for everyone.

Thanks Lem. I have all of these ideas and intentions on getting out there......I'd love to take a ballroom dancing class, art classes or horseback riding. I think of these things, but don't act on them.

Grape - thanks for your post. Perhaps my M falls into that category of "not so good" before the A. I NEVER wanted or thought of getting "rid" of my H though. I was not completely happy, felt let down by my H and used in many ways. I don't want a D. I don't want it, I don't want it. But I can't MAKE my H want the M. Anyway, thanks for your support. I appreciate that and it's nice to feel somewhat understood.

A.M. - thanks for reading....I'm just a "glutton for punishment" as Lem said.

So, Now down to the Nitty Gritty. WH's note up said just that he wanted to take DS out of state to visit his parents. It would be 3 states away. I am not comfortable with that. AT ALL.

I do not have legal custody officially. I can say NO right?

The other nitty gritty is that WH didn't respond at all to my note. No surprise there.

SO, I guess I have to stick to my guns and go through with my next steps.

Do I have the right to ask WH to start taking his stuff that I have put in the garage? Although he is paying mortgage still??

Kim

Kim, I have been there, done that and have the T-shirt, cap and can cozy to match. And Lemon pretty much said the same thing to me. If you have to keep doing it, I do completely understand. I have been doing it for 8 months. "Are you sure this is what you want, WH", "I am filing, do you want to stop me?", "I am going to withdraw the papers, are you sure you want to file?"

I can't give you any advice, just that I understand, but it doesn't work. I think we have to decide that WH's don't get to determine our self worth. But I know what you mean about you are dark, but lonely and he is - whatever he is.

I don't want to sacrifice what is left of my 'sexual prime' being celibate waiting around for some jacka$$ to decide if I am worthy. (Probably not the atta girl support you need, just my honest thoughts for the day)

Well, at least I can say I tried.

I am now an emotional mess. I think I am loosing my mind.

So, for the record this peeking out of Plan B crap doesn't work. Now, my mind is playing back flips saying "kim, go back VERY VERY DARK. Give it two more months and see what happens."

O.k. then after two more months & nothing changes, then what?

I am making myself sick.

Thanks for your post Jean. Again, it's nice to have someone who can relate.........

Kim

Kim,

I just wanted to give ya a (((((Kim)))).. This is all so hard thats for sure....

And after so long you get to wondering if he has not missed me after all this time will he ever.... I know I think it alot.

So here i am giving you advice when I have a hard time following it myself, take care of you and DS. If that means moving then so be it...... I never thought I would make that descion because i felt if I left here it would be over forever but you know what if/when he ever gets his head from his [censored] I won't be hard to find. Same gos for your WH if they ever decide to make it right no distance could stop them from doing the right things.

So lets get over this hump Kim and do what we need to for us..... The rest will f all into place one day.. We gotta have faith an believe that.....


Hurting