<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I am new here, and just looking to find advice on how to proceed with current situation.
I was not a WW, and did not have a WS, but my 15yr. marriage did end. As hard as it was to do, my ex & I did what we thought to be best after 4 long years of trying to make a "go of it." So, there was no rash decision making in the demise of our union. We DID try, and are happy to finally be at peace with our choice to divorce.

The trouble I am having now is that I have been "found" by this wonderful man who himself; is getting divorced after 17 years of marriage and many attempts on his part to make their union work. He and his ex, on the other hand, DID have infidelity issues to deal with. He says that he has come to terms with it all. I believe him when he says so, but at times feel as though I am just added baggage he doesn't need.

When he found me just a few short months ago, I think that he "thought" he was ready to start over. To put himself "out there." Then he found me, and we REALLY hit it off. Of course, he is going to be apprehensive about what we have found in one another. Both of us are being cautious with our feelings. Naturally so.

I have known for quite some time that I am SO ready to get out of this rat race called dating. So, Mr. Wonderful & I decided to be "exclusive." After all, exclusive is REALLY the only way we have known. Me 15 years, Him 17 years.

I know I AM ready to move past my divorce, but am not too sure whether he is past his. How do I continue to support him WITHOUT getting hurt by him? I want to because I feel that he is SO worthy, but is there a place in his busy life for me right now? I care ever so deeply for this man, and cannot for the life of me, figure out why his ex would be so reckless as to ruin a beautiful thing. To treat him the way she did. To destroy the Family union they had. Three wonderful sons, and a husband of such caliber. My goodness, what WAS she thinking?

I FEEL SO vulnerable RIGHT NOW......IS THERE A PLACE TO BE IN THIS SITUATION WITHOUT GETTING HURT?????????

PS. I believe in "one day at a time," and AM being patient all the while getting MANY mixed signals. Is it time for me to just let him be, so that he can figure this all out on his own w/o me to add to his "baggage," as he calls it?

Yes there is. By not having any expectations. Just take each day one day at a time and enjoy it for what it is. Let it unfold the way it's supposed to.

from a male pespective; i was emotionally and physically abandoned for the last three years of my marriage. by all "rights" i should have been ready the minute i filed for divorce, but i wasn't. i waited almost four months after filing for divorce before dating. i am only three weeks into that process.

with finding someone who is also going through the emotional toil and trouble of divorce you will find that his emotions will be scattershot. he may be over his wife but he may not be over the failure of the marriage, whatever issues there are with kids, job, and family, and the rigors of getting away from his ex.

you have to be patient with him, and he with you. you may even need to give each other time and space that may seem impossible to do with the attraction you have.

good luck

Thank you Gekko, for the advice and best wishes.

I am doing exactly that........being patient . He has even "thanked" me for doing so. Which, in return gives me hope that he REALLY is ready to move forward.

He and I share so many common beliefs on how to treat your significant other, as well as ALL people. He is a super guy, and I truly believe he thinks the world of me too. I see so much in him, and he deserves to be treated with All the respect his significant other can provide. I am willing to stand by him and allow us to evolve "naturally" into whatever we can. Whether we end up married, or just friends.

It is my belief that both of us feel we may have found "keepers," but are apprehensive on where to go from here. Mostly due in part to the timing.

I am the first person he has dated since his marriage dissolved. I can see, given how he shows me what he feels for me; why he would be so scared. Is it too soon? Is it a bad thing for him to feel this way about me so soon after dealing with a failed marriage?

I can see just as equally how hard it is to adjust to the rigors of the single life. Mind you, I AM aware that he has a lot going on in his world right now. As, do I. All the while managing to incorporate him into MY world.

I feel as though he wants this too, but doesn't know if it is right for him to be feeling this way so soon; for another woman. Does he have the time to devote to this relationship? So many questions. How will I tell if he REALLY wants me as much as I do him?
I have tried to pull away and give him the space I thought he needed. Only to hear it in his words and voice, that he does not want that either. My heart says don't let go, but at times I feel as though I should.

I DO want to see what the future holds for us, all the while taking it "one day at a time." It is just so confusing at times, getting all these mixed signals from him.

I guess the question here is, ......should I just let him deal with these troublesome demons on his own, or do I remain strong,supportive, and ever so patient while he does?
So often, he has given me hope for unlimited possibilities at true happiness. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Ultimately, I will let God guide my decision. All the while continuing to pray.
However, I do remain appreciative of any advice given here on MB.

Whatever is Meant to be, ..............Will be. ;-)
God Bless!

HELP..............does anyone else have advise to send my way? Is there anyone out there in a similiar situation? If so, what DO you do when putting yourself in such a vulnerable position?

I know with being where he & I are in our own individual lives, NOT to have any expectations........And I don't . I wouldn't be quite so confused on how to handle "us", if I weren't getting mixed signals.

Does he really need his space? If so, how do I just let him be? I care ever so deeply for the man I see in him.

Hi again ByHisGrace,

I read my reply and thought it sounded a little insensitive - I hope you didn't take it that way. It's not the way I meant to come across.

I can empathize - it really is a difficult position to be in. Of the dates that I've had since my divorce, there was one guy that I fell pretty hard for. We had so much in common and we did seem perfect for each other. It did end after about six months and I did get terribly hurt but I wouldn't have missed the experience for anything. Even though it didn't work out, I think it restored my faith in my ability to love again.

I know you already know this but the only way to insure that you won't get hurt is to not get involved. It's always a risk when we let someone else into our lives.

That being said, I would imagine that you are getting mixed signals because he probably doesn't even know his own heart at this point. It sounds like it's still pretty fresh for him right now. He probably does need some space right now for his own well being.

I think the best way to give him space is by continuing to do your own thing. Keep a balance - spend some time with him but spend plenty of time doing other things with your friends or by yourself.

Going very slow is the key - seems the more intense it is in the beginning, the more quickly it burns out.

Good luck to you

How long has he been divorced?

All I know is just what he tells me. He and ex have been physically, and emotionally detached for well over two years. They have lived apart, with minimal contact, for the past year. The divorce is to be finalized this month.

Probably, he's not ready. Just my opinon. Worth what you paid for it. You're putting yourself in the position to, technically, be in the 'other woman' category. Statistically, he's not ready.

Personally, I believe in the Marriage Builders take on things: if you're not legally divorced, you are still married. Married people ought not be dating.

^oh, now i know. hmmmm.

so, just wondering, if its HER that emotionally and physically abandoned the marriage, if its HER that's dragging the finalization out BUT she's dating i should still HONOR the "marriage".

again, just looking for clarification. thx.

[color:"green"]Honestly gekko - if you are still that angry with "HER" then you are probably not ready to date.

V. [/color]

ill chime in here.....

i will use myself as an example....i joke around on some other threads but ill be totally serious....heres my opinion...

i got out of a 15 yr marriage because of my XW infidelity....i immediatly started "dating" out of need and almost as a "retaliation" affair....i made HUGE mistakes, but i would say i went through a "player" phase....that was me.....

if i was you....i would be EXTEMELY (i cant say that LOUD enuff) cautious....

this fella is on a TOTAL rebound....if he is getting out of a long term relationship...he is NOT ready for another....

if he is.....(heres a red flag) he will probably be very controlling, very needy and still very much angry at his XW...

you WILL be used and you WILL get hurt!!

i was divorced for over 1 1/2 yrs before i got into anything that i considered a "serious" relationship....

human nature is VERY predictable...just surf this site long enough and you will see....

lastly....just make sure YOU are not being too needy also...you may overlook some of your own red flags in the process.....

my advice is just SLOW your roll....dont get TOO attatched and just see where it goes...he if gets too clingy...or GAWD forbids...tells you he falling in L or that he L you within the first 8 months to a year..........

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!! (i yelled that)

otherwise...have fun but keep your eyes open and go with your gut!!!

thats just my opinion...

oh yeah...remember when you start dating someone....everyone keeps their "best" face on and their true personalities dont emerge for alomst a year...you may feel you met the "us" in your life....

no offense here....but if he is already talking about the future and making plans for "us"........

that would CREEP me out......

if it was me and a woman was doing that....

i would run....

******* TOTAL REBOUND HERE!!!!

i have been on five "dates", three with one person, two with another. yesterday i decided to no longer date either person any longer, mostly because i decided that while i was ok with dating i wanted to finish therapy and get the final agreement set. both of those things should happen within the next four to six weeks.

i did not "date" until four weeks ago.

although it really isn't anyone's business for the sake of argument i will reveal i have not been physical with either of these women, my choice.

i am actually through the acceptance phase of my divorce. i am close to begging my stbx to finalizing the d just so i can get my new life going, not because i want to date but because i want to get my new life going without worrying about lawyer bills and my stbx's financial irresponsiblity.

i called the local monastery. they will not let my daughter hang out there and they do not have the place childproofed so sorry gang, i won't be becoming a monk until the divorce is final.

imo, if the person wants to date, then fine. after filing behavior means nothing unless the person's behavior is illegal or endangers the child. having dinner with someone and talking to someone falls into neither category.

well put gekko.

mlhb

Hi again, Gekko

MB's board came to me highly recommended from a frequent user that has been helped immensly.

Mind you, there is alot more to their story that I will not divulge on MB. I feel a little uncomfortable as it is, putting even part of this out on the board for total strangers to opinionate on. Having said that, I also want to say "Thanks" to everyone for their opinion. Any and all are certainly appreciated. After all, I am the one who "put" myself out here looking for advice.

She(stbx) was the WS, and is now talking about getting married to the OM.
He(the BS) is the one that found me, and is sending mixed signals as to whether he is REALLY ready for WHAT he has found in me.

After re-reading my posts.......... I guess in a way, I have answered my own questions.

As said before, I will continue to pray about this matter.
Ultimately I will rely upon the heavenly Father to guide me.

thats the beauty of this site....you can formulate a plan or make up your mind based on complete total strangers giving you their opinions and experiences....

you can read through any bias's...if there are any or just take them for what they are....opinions....

only you and "time" will tell whether or not you and this fella are ready to date and make future plans....

i just know what i did...i will say this though....i never ever ever ever talked about my XW when i first started dating someone...and if they did it to me like "comparing" notes or wanting to tell stories....more RED FLAGS!!!

you may find that he is filling a void emotionally, physically or sexually with you, as he has been "empty" for quite some time....

again....thats my opinion..

I strongly believe that IF he WANTS, it's right for him to be feeling that way no matter how soon it is... and therefore, he would have the time...

But do not forget to take care of yourself, you needs and wishes, FIRST.

(((byHISgrace...)))

I'm going to copy an old post of mine.... See if you can take anything from it...

I think you’ll find that most professionals recommend waiting/healing 1 year for every 5 years married. I believe that it is widely accepted that one will go through and must go through a natural healing process after the loss of a spouse whether it be due to death or divorce. Add to that the outside circumstances surrounding the loss, whether it be infidelity or abuse or whatever, and there truly can be a lot of external issues to deal with before dealing with all the internal issues surrounding the loss.

Below, I believe you’ll find the standard accepted model of the grieving process:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Steps 4 and 5 are where I’m going to place my emphasis. I believe that completing steps 4 and 5 are instrumental in having a successful relationship. Let’s look at them individually for just a moment:

4. Depression. This is the hopeless phase where anger, betrayal, resentments, and grief dwell. People my focus their grief inward and begin hating themselves, they may drink or do drugs as a means to cope. Or what I find more likely is that they date and engage in casual sex in an attempt to feel “normal” again.

5. Acceptance. This is when healing is completing, you notice that I didn’t say it was complete. In very humble opinion Step 5 is an action step. This is where one let’s go of the anger and bitterness towards others, as well as any towards themselves. This is where we have forgiveness.

My belief is that, at some point, you will have to go through all these steps. Now when you introduce a relationship in during Step 4, which a lot of people do, that displaces some of that anger and resentment. I’ve also believe that left undealt with that it then seeps out slowly and has an impact on how we deal with our partner. And who gets the brunt of our acting out, yes the one we love whether they deserve it or not.

So back to my statement, this is the point at which either a second relationship will fail, be miserable, or a person will make the decision to work through their grieving process towards recovery. It’s why most mental health people, after getting someone out of immediate danger if present, then go back and start looking for “unfinished” business in their lives. What they’ve masked or replaced.

That being said, do I believe that dating early dooms someone for failure, absolutely not. Especially if done with a keen awareness of self, where you are at in the process, a willing partner, and an effort to seek the end on Step 5. But along with that ray of hope there is also a cloud of negativity and that is how capable of choosing a good partner is someone going through depression? It’s an interesting thought and I have seen basic scenario’s:

1. They aren’t capable and latch on to whatever they can get and ride it for whatever it’s worth. Typically coming out at the end worse for the wear and now working through grieving the loss of relationship A and beginning the grieving of relationship B. And heck, they may even end up getting healthy through this relationship then look at who they are dating and say WTF am I doing with this loser.

2. They do have an awareness of self and see qualities in a partner that will not only help them through their process but also be a stellar mate when said process is complete. They are transparently open and honest with their partner and themselves through the early stage of the relationship which in of itself breeds an understanding of each other that is crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship. They come out in the end as a strong healthy person to find that they have a strong healthy relationship based on openness, willingness, and honesty.

I will say that option 2, as presented above, is what I believe to be not the norm but the exception. I, myself, got stuck on #4 of the grieving process for over 2 years. Once I plowed through it, step #5 came quickly and was welcomed. Had I chosen to get involved in a relationship during that 2 year period, I firmly believe that I would either be grieving the loss of another relationship or in an extremely unhealthy relationship.

In an ideal world, we wouldn’t have to deal with this, but other than that people would wait till they were done grieving before venturing back out. But that’s not reality and is not often practiced. Several who’ve posted on these boards could expand on the need to finish grieving as well as how clouded ones vision can become in a ‘rebound’ style relationship.

I think that's wonderful if someone is able to apply it and follow it while working through the process towards healing. My biggest problem with all the scenario's is first the ability of someone to be honest with themselves while in a relationship getting their needs met; second, the focus to heal while dancing horizontally between the sheets; and third "LIFE". Life happens especially if you have kids and before you know it you turn around and it's been 4 years and you are still stuck on stupid.

IMVHO healing or shall we say recovery is a choice. Yes, I believe that nature is going to guide us through it but we can either choose to actively heal by dealing with all the issues at hand, passively heal by allowing nature to run it course interrupting it at various times with our whims, or quite frankly we can choose not to heal (I think my X MIL chose not to heal).

But here's the thing, did you take a class in "healing" in High School? or College? More than likely not. Something so common and useful to the masses and yet many of us don't know how to approach it. There's no great mystery in how to accomplish it, yet, I for one had no idea how to do it.

I, personally, view the old saying of "time heals all wounds" as total BS. I think people can actively choose to go through the process, get the work done and receive the rewards. There are 10 and 12 step programs out there widely available for this or that addiction and/or death but I haven't seen one for divorce, especially for the BS.

A lot of the 12-step principles helped me - found them in S-Anon.

Hmmm, these would be wonderful questions to ask him. If he explains to you calmly, rationally, and clearly why he thinks his W decided to leave, that will be a good sign. If he says "I dunno, the ^#&*^#&@^@ just split, I didn't do nothing to contribute to it", well, you have a sign that he has much more healing and introspecting to do.

AGG

((((Belonging2Myself)))

In similar position as you.

Do not personally think it's destined to fail. Do however think that while giving him space and supporting his recovery from the divorce you BOTH should be clear about the possibilities for YOUR relationship.

In my case, I felt it was important not to leave the whole thing open to speculation indefinitely. There is a you in the relationship and YOU need to know where your life is heading.

Trust yourself (I can see you got that one already), even our "mistakes" are grand design.

Hugs again!