Wouldn't you rather be happily married than live like this?? THAT IS WHY I WANT YOU TO EXPOSE!! Not so you can be divorced. I don't want you to be divorced, that is WHY I am pushing you to do this! Your chances of D are greatly reduced by telling the OMW, not increased.

I want you to have what Shaden and weneedhelp and BobPure all have! I am not trying to HARM your marriage; I am ON YOUR SIDE. I am PRO-MARRIAGE.

ML - I know you are on my side - I have never doubted that. I know you are pro-marriage too - never doubted that either.

I meant my comment in totality - not because I think telling OMW will result in D. I don't really think it will, but if it does, I don't care anymore.

I am not sure I will ever have a happy marriage again. I actually thought it was OK a mere 9 months ago. I sure was wrong.

Thanks.

gotcha, 19. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Sorry you are going through this. my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, ML. One way or another, I'll make it. May not have ended up like I planned, but we know what they say about plans .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Smart:

I THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP, GIRLFRIEND! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

However, starting with the phone call yesterday morning ("I have a surprise for you, etc....") followed by other foreplay scenarios that he likes..once I got home..I didn't have chance to put on the boots... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I'll keep THE BOOTS in my plans for next weekend..we have to go to an event for which I have to wear them...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Oh my, Mimi! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
Perhaps you should be giving ME some tips! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Glad you had a good night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
--SC

Glad SOMEONE has had a good night.

Take it to a Pr0n board.

It's not helping morale by flaunting it in front of the peasants.

Pariah,

Interesting you chose to word your last post the way you did.

I've read your thread and I know you're hurting. But, ya know -- everyone here has suffered. A lot.

A big part of the process for a lot of us has been working to restore normal and satisfying sexual relations with our spouses. In my case, after (A) I had an affair, and (B) I learned that my H was addicted to porn -- used it compulsively for years and I never even knew.

So your flippant remark about taking this discussion to a porn board isn't really great for my morale.

Nobody here is trying to be insensitive to you. In fact, a number of people reached out to you when you first posted on this thread... and I see some are still posting to you on your thread... trying to help you.

Some of the threads on this board get kinda silly and playful. And since we're all presumably adults working to better our marriages, some get pretty graphic about sex. I can understand why that's a major sore spot for you right now. Believe me, I really really can. So for now, you might just want to avoid these types of threads.

Maybe I misunderstood you and you were just trying to kid around. But it seemed a bit hostile to me. No need for that, okay?

--SC

SC - I really think he was kidding around - but who knows?

Any thoughts on what we were talking about yesterday? (see post several posts above).

Thanks.

19,

How about we do it this way:

1. Meeting her EN's/Filling up her Love Bank.
What have you done so far to accomplish this? What will you do THIS WEEKEND to make deposits? What else could you be doing? Do you even know what her top EN's are?

2. Love Busting.
Give some examples of LB's you used-to commit and don't anymore. Where are you still having trouble?

3. Communication.
The next time she says something inflamatory like "you don't understand how much you've hurt me over the last 15 years." what are you going to say/do?

4. Exposure.
Listen, I have my own opinions about exposure. And they conflict with MB principles. Thing is, I have no personal experience with it. My affair was over for a few weeks before I told my H about it. The OM was not married. So it was a non-issue. Two people did know about the affair when it was going on. My mother -- who sort of figured it out on her own, long story. She was not happy about what I was doing, but was supportive of me (although I suspect the dynamics would have changed if my A had lasted longer). Then my father found out by overhearing a phone conversation between my mother and me. He drove to my house (3 1/2 hours) and gave me what amounted to a lecture. You know what effect it had? I stopped calling my parents. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I do agree that the OM's W deserves to know... but that's about as far as I can go on that.

--SC

SC - OK -

1. Bank - I can't say that I really know what her top EN's are - but what I think she got from OM was that he really thought she was fun, interesting, smart etc. - she said he "lit up" when she was around and he thought she "hung the moon".

So, I am trying to act like that when I am around her. It's not that hard because I actually do feel that way - I just never acted like it.

I am also making a lot of effort to spend more alone time with her. Have been for the past couple of months.

I compliment her a lot and give verbal and physical affection (I've always done that).

One of her main EN's she says, unfortunately, is privacy. As you can imagine, that goes over real well right now. I just ignore it.

Mainly, I am trying to never act frustrated, silent or disappointed - even when I feel that way that's what I did before - that's a big LB for her now - better to yell and scream than do that .... I am doing much better in this regard even though I really want to act that way - didn't work before, it won't work now.

2. LB's - the main one is the one I just mentioned. Also, occasionally something comes up related to EA and I don't respond nicely. I think that is the biggest - but I am not sure.

3. When she brings up past - Next time I will tell her she is right, I probably don't and can't understand - then I'll ask her to try to help me understand better - then I'll tell her I can't change the past, but I am not going to be like that anymore.

And then I tell her she can take it or leave (just joking about that part, although I would like to say that and more).

4. Exposure - thanks. Obviously, I have talked about this ad nauseam. I know what I need to do.

Thanks.

19, There are so many other people around here who are better at this stuff than me. And I don't have time at the moment for a detailed response... But here are a couple of things to consider.



Okay. I'm glad to hear that you really do feel that way, cause faking it, IMO, can do more harm than good. Keep it up, but keep it casual. Don't fawn all over her.



Hmmmmm. Well, obviously she can't be going to those small group meetings with OM and such. And she has to be accountable for here whereabouts and all.. But be careful not to crowd her. When I was going through the early stages of withdrawl, my H's attempts to be affectionate... show me admiration... and such were very akward for me... made me very uncomfortable. She does need her "space" in a way... as long as you know where she is and what she's doing. See what I mean?



I would need to know exactly what's said in order to figure this one out. If you're responses are just an honest statement of how you feel that's one thing... but if they're sarcastic, snippy or anything like that, knock if off.



I think you're on the right track, but if I could suggest some modifications: Okay to tell her you know you don't really understand (because you probably don't). But don't tell her you "can't". That gives her no hope at all that things can change. Asking her to help you understand is good. Ask specific questions. What did I do that hurt you? How did you feel when I did that? Make sure you affirm her feelings... they're hers... and even if you think their silly/unfounded, whatever, don't say that. Try to detatch yourself enough emotionally to be curious... imagine she's just a friend talking about her spouse and you're there to learn and support her. No, you can't cange the past, but I bet you WISH you could... tell her that instead. Tell her you're sincerely trying to change and be a better man and husband... and that the more she opens up and tells you what she needs... the better the chances you'll achieve that goal. Be "curious not furious". "Be still" as ark would say, and listen. Don't try to "fix" things in the conversation... just let her know that she's been heard... and you'll try harder in the future... and you'd appreciate any feedback on how you're doing.

Hope that helps. Gotta go. Happy Easter.

--SC

Pariah:

Just want to let you know that your post is not helpful to my morale.

I hope folks here will feel free to share their JOY and PAIN..

Check out my posts beginning December 2002...

I'm here to give hope...

I've come a long ways....from a dark, dark, place into the light...

SC - Thanks for your advice. I'll try to keep your points in mind.

Don't know if you read my thread, but I told OMW today. Needless to say, she was surprised. My W doesn't does not know yet and will not for awhile (until OMW can discuss with OM which may be as late as Saturday).

Thanks.