It appears so many want the best for you and G, AGG.

It seems you have been doing a lot of processing in the past few days and have come to a sound resolution.

I don't think it's wise to throw away a relationship that you find so much wonderful in, as you do with G.
Yes, there are negatives and you are wide eyed to them.

I'd say you are doing everything you can to approach this relationship with all that you have learned from the past, whether that's failures/maturity whatever. I know I NEVER EVER want to be divorced again if/when I ever meet the special guy. I would be doing as you are, looking at everything.
She's a lucky lady to have a guy that is looking at all aspects of who she is, and still will love her despite the imperfections.
I will also add that you are lucky also to have found someone that makes you so happy!

It sounds like the beginnings/continuation of something wonderful!

Karona

See how wisely you skipped some parts and focused on just ones you like at the moment? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Sometimes I am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
And hope that at least sometimes I'm not right, at all...

I think you're doing great. Give us an update every now and then. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi AGG, I'm most often in the give things time camp. It sounds like you've decided to do just that. It sounds like you've come to feel there is no rush here.

Having laid your "stuff" out for G gave her an opportunity to respond & not to an after the fact brake up. That shows you're loosening up some of your rules & must haves & are giving things time to breath. The beauty of open & honest communication is you don't know the answers going in, you work on things together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like good choices all around. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Faith, nams:

I feel very good about my choices too. I find myself very happy, upbeat, and optimistic the past couple of days. Not that I know that I will end up with G, I certainly don't know that yet - but that I did the right thing to bring everything to the forefront, and that now we can try and negotiate and see if we can find a happy medium in all areas, without anyone getting blindsided. It's a good feeling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

AGG,

I read your thread with interest and just wanted to say that I think you did a superb job of thinking everything through like a mature, experienced person and I am glad that you came to the conclusions you did as I saw them too.

There are several similarities in your story as in mine but it's a balance of learning to live with another human being that is not a clone.We all have to do that but I have found that may people also do not know how nor care to do this in an effort to find that "perfect" match we are routinely misguided to find.

For me,I don't see the issues at hand as red flags so much as differences.I don't know that many people who are a "neat nik" like me but some people are stressed and overworked a lot these days,doesn't mean that they have bad habits,maybe just not have the time,are overwhelmed or not as organized,etc.I also think in many relationships there is one who is better at X and the other may be better at Y and that can be ok.

Also,the baby issue.I see a lot of suggestion going around as to why she has not yet had one.Does she have an explanation? To me there is an underlying sense of "blame",not from you but on the thread,IMO.I have a few friends who have not had children either and it was due to several factors such as divorce,infidelity,being single and not wanting to have a child as a single woman,not being financially able,etc.Yes even some women place having a child on hold to further their careers first.That is ok in my book too.As long as G is 100% fine emotionally about not having a child of her own then to me that is a big hurdle to get over.The desire in a woman to have a child can be very great.She has to be sure she is clear about it.

I am hopeful for you both.There is a lot more good here than "bad",as I see it.Much luck!

Awww, thanks, I appreciate this!


Well, that is certainly how I view my situation with G, which is why I want to keep spending time with her. I feel that in time, we will know if our differences are minor enough to be just "differences", or if they would make us miserable and resentful in the longterm.

I have to say, though, that with every passing day I see more and more how well we "get" each other, and I value that tremendously. My ex is now going through some wacko phase, and it is so comforting to have someone nearby (G) who seems to view "normalcy" the same way as I do. That is what will make us close in the longrun, I think - the way we view things so similarly, rather than our daily habits.


I agree completely. I do not hold it against G that she never had kids; only if it somehow became my fault that she won't. And I don't see her doing that; I think she takes full ownership for her choices. Other than that, she is a very nurturing and loving woman towards my kids, so I think she would make a wonderful stepmom to them, which I think is a huge hurdle to get over.

Thanks for your thoughts and kind words.

AGG

AGG,

You have mentioned that she is not quite sure about the "baby" issue, and you have mentioned that you are positive about the "baby" issue...even to the point of thinking of getting a vasectomy...

so my question is....

Have you told her that you are considering one? I ask because she should know this, so that she can make HER decision about staying in the relationship, or leaving it in order to have a child with someone.

I really think that you should tell her and see what her reaction is.

It would not be fair to her for you to have one without telling her...seeing how that you are going to remain in a relationship with her. If the "M" word is used at all I would suggest you tell her, she needs to know.

She gets to choose whether to end the relationship or not too.

committed

committed:


A very fair question, thank you for asking. The answer is - absolutely! I told G that I am considering a vasectomy. Not that I am all that excited about the whole idea (ouch), but I absolutely wanted to let her know my thoughts, if for no other reason that to do precisely what you suggest - make it quite clear to her how "serious" I am about the "no more kids" mindset. This way, we greatly reduce the probability of her agreeing but thinking in the back of her mind "well, once we are married, he will change his mind".

She was fine with it, which is consistent with what I have seen as her ability to stand by and take responsibility for her choices in life. I really like that about her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Ugh, AGG... this hits really close to home for me. After my divorce finished late last year, my now-ex GF and I started spending a lot of time together, and those trees became a forest pretty quickly... it just took a lot longer while we weren't spending time together.

I'm still reading this thread after writing the above, so responses may be a bit disjointed.

Later (after your "talk" instead of breakup). I Know what you mean about being together being wonderful... there were probably a half-dozen times that I had the intent of breaking up with my ex-GF, only to get together and have that wonderfulness come out. It would have been better for all concerned had I heeded those flags. If Maya were still here, she could definitely acknowledge all that; she's aware of much more detail than I could ever post here.

Re: the Vasectomy... yes; ouch, but if you know you won't want kids again (and it certainly seems that way... it's the overriding theme for your woes with G), you should do it. I got mine while still married, after my youngest Boy was born. At the time, I thought I would be married forever (of course), but I'm still glad I had it done. I'm too old to have any more kids, and wouldn't want more anyway... with anyone. Even though I have had only one relationship since my divorce/separation with that level of physicality (as you may recall, I have to be in love with the woman I make love to), it's very nice not to have to worry about it.

Anyway... best of luck to you. I'm really, REALLY enjoying my alone time. Except when I have my Boys every other week, of course... but then it's Boy time!

ETA: I just ordered the "Will Our Love Last?" book at your recommendation... I'll likely find a lot of those trees I ignored in there as well.