Previously I posted a thread on 4/08/06 about the OW harrasing us. "Help-the ex affair lover is harrassing us-Has this happened to anyone?" Now she is back and we need some advice. Here is what I said on the other thread to get you up to date:

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Hi everyone, this is my first post. My husband told me four months ago that he a had been having an affair with an ex-co-worker for the past three years. He said he ended it and wanted to work together and save our marriage. Of course I was devestated as everyone else is on here and after long deliberation, we deciede to give our marriage a try. Well, the OW decided that was not going to be the end of it. She called me and said she wanted to know if I kicked him out yet, so she can be with him in Seattle for his business course coming up. It was sickening and I told her not to contact either of us again and that she needed to leave us the *&@* alone.

My H cancelled the Seattle trip. She didn't know that and I think she drove to Seattle to be with him and he wasn't there:0)Ha ha

She began to call my H repeatedly at his work and then started threatening him, that she was going to ruin his life like he has hers for the past 3 yrs. When my H did not answer her calls or emails (which she sent to him 5-6 times a day)She called his boss and made allegations against him that she was a patient of his and he was having sex with her in the office and that he was using drugs. We were devestated that she was going this far and it was making it very hard for us to save our marriage. I was bitter and back and forth about letting him stay. She kept it up with more phone calls and another call to his boss. My H had to explain to his boss and co-workers what was going on. (which I felt was good humiliation for him) but, it was affecting his job and his sanity. I am a stay at home mom. We can't afford him to lose his job. She then started calling and telling us that he was harrasing her and that she was going to call the police.

Well, we couldn't take anymore and H filed a restraining order against her and we got it, because we saved the emails. We didn't hear from OW for a couple weeks and we actually started to work on us and things were going great. And then, I received an envelope addressed to me in the mail with pictures of my H half naked on her bed. No return address or letter enclosed. We called the police and they said we can't prove she sent it. they called her and she told them she broke it off with my husband and that he sent me the pictures to try to get her arrested. Another relapse for me of course..Anyway, I know this is long, but there has been so much going on with her that I feel I need to explain. Well the police gave her a scare and we didn't hear from her for about a month, and then, she's back...She filed a restraining order on him and accused him of constantly calling her work and calling her a B**** and that he was threatening to cut her brakes on her truck and that he had vandalized her truck and was in fear of her life. I don't know how much more I can take of this chick. She is crazy. My H has been home every night and calls me throught the day and calls me when he leaves to come home from work, so I know where he is. She is lying and I do not beleive he has had any contact with her.

WHAT DO I DO ABOUT HER..SHE WON'T LEAVE US ALONE AND I KNOW THIS IS NOT THE END. SHE WILL TRY TO MAKE UP SOMETHING THAT WILL LOOK LIKE MY HUSBAND BROKE THE RESTRAINING ORDER TO GET HIM ARRESTED.

I need some advise, I have not found any articles or anything that helps betrayed spouses deal with psycho ex lovers. Please, if anyone has ever been in this position or just has some advise. Please respond. I have two small children and I am desperate. I do not want anything to happen to us. We are trying so hard to work it out and every time we make strides, she comes along and puts us back to square one.

April 13th

--Well, today my H received a call from the police that she claims that he called her today twice. That he used profanity and that he threatened her. It is so untrue..He is so scared of her that he would never contact her. Well the police do not believe him and would not disclose to him what he supposidly did. They said they were turning this over to the D.A. She is trying to set him up to get arrested. We are both going crazy.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO STOP THIS WOMAN. WHEN WILL SOMEBODY BELIEVE HIM.

When he called the police they said there was no proof that it was her, but when she calls the police, they want to turn it over to the D.A.????

We are truly scared and I need some support. Please help me and my H. We are trying so hard to rebuild our marriage and she keeps coming back to break us down. The fear is paralyzing us.

Maybe others can help you more with the legal aspects of this, but for starters you need higher fences this woman cannot break through.

Get new phone numbers, new email addresses, block her from the new email addys, block your phone numbers, get caller ID blocking blocked so there will be no unknown callers on your caller ID, and then just basic stuff like don't go anywhere she is likely to be.

Document everything but do not respond to her. She may eventually tire of her game and go away.

Even if it doesn't happen right away, think about moving out of the area. Your mind will be so much more at ease.

The big thing is keeping her from gaining access to either of you, to continue hurting both of you and setting back your healing process.

Thank you for your advice. She is tricky, she is now using the police to get to H. It is working, he is getting depressed and I am getting so worried. It would be so hard to move. When we bought our house, I had a job that I had for over ten years, now I have been a stay at home mom for 2 years. How would we get a loan for another home with only one income. I do no want to rent again..I do not want to move. She has proven to me that she is not going to give up until she has ruined our lives. As far as I know the only email address she has for H is his work email and he can't change it. It would be so easy for her to doctor and email using his prior ones that had been sent to her. It would be so easy for her to have a male friend call from a payphone and leave her threatening messages and say it is H. How can we prove that all of her claims are false? Would it be in H's best interest to contest the RO in front of her and a judge? It's her word against his right now. I am crying right now as I write this. My nerves are shot.

I couldn't begin to guess about the police stuff. I wish I could be more help with that.

Your husband should still be able to block her emails from reaching his work email, and maybe even filter them in case she gets a different address. Like, say, any emails from [her name] send to the trash automatically.

It still wouldn't hurt to begin exploring the moving option. Nothing would happen right away, anyway. Look in places where housing is cheaper than where you are now. For example, where we are in CA a bare naked acre goes for $50,0000+. Even a 1/4 acre lot with an old house on it is not much under $300,000. But where we have been looking in Oklahoma, you can get several acres, a decent house, outbuildings, and of course a storm shelter, for $50-60,000. A super beautiful 3,000 sq ft cabin by the lake is only $110,000.

So brainstorm a little. Even if you decide for sure not to go, you will feel better for having options open to you.

This must be so hard for both of you, (you especially, since you didn't choose this), but it will be fine if you don't let her come between you. And that is up to you and your H, not just you. You guys need to stick really close together in all this. She can make trouble, she might even succeed in getting your husband in trouble too, (but I really doubt it), but she cannot ruin your lives if you stand united against her. She wants you to give up. Don't give her the satisfaction.

I'm up way past my bedtime, so must go to sleep. Get some beauty rest ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) and try not to worry. Easier said than done, but I know you can outlast her. You have truth and justice on your side, and she.......does not.

{{{{{{{Beauty}}}}}}}}}}

Documentation is best. The police will give her the initial benefit of the doubt since she is a woman. Psycho woman but female nonetheless.

So take the e-mails, save it and put them in a safe place. Have your H keep witnesses handy all the time. He will need escort protection as much as possible.

The OW is psycho and you ought to expect more of her antics. The key is to show she is psycho.

Is your H in the medical profession? He needs to make sure u r both tested for STDs. The one who needs additional protection is you. If this OW is as crazy as you are posting, she will come after you next.

In our case, the OW used to call me when she felt she was losing the WS. Eventually she filed a false RO against the Xws but the judge upheld the order. The judge could see that the OW was crazy......but ordered it so both c/b safe. Yea.....the OW even tried to get me fired and declared as an unfit mother. I did not treat her threats lightly.

Go file an RO against her yourself and give proof. The more ROs she has against her (from different people) the less credibility she will have. If only your H files, he will look suspicious and she may look like the victim.

What does his co-workers and boss have to say about the OW?

L.

Hi Beauty--

just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm just wondering if there would be a way that you could get records from the phone company as far as her harassing calls go? Meaning to prove that they didn't come from your husband? The phone company probably wouldn't be able to give them to you, but maybe they could to the police. Just a thought. I don't know anything about legalities and all that, but it's worth a try to find out. Good luck.

HU2006

Beauty,


In this country, your H is still innocent until proven guilty. He doesn't really have to prove he is innocent. If this nonesence ever made it into a courtroom, the burden of proof is on the prosecutor.

I would consider moving if at all possible. Believe me, even if you have to return to work part time to help out, the peace of mind will be worth it.

In the mean time, document everything. You may want to have your land line phone disconntected and only have a cell #. That way, you will have a record of all incoming and outgoing calls if you need it.

Not only should you document everything, but have your H ask his coworkers to do so also as applicable.

OW in our sitch was a nutjob of minor proportion compared to this woman and she lived 3000 miles away, but we still made contingency plans in case she showed up looking to be or cause trouble.

Also, your H should be able to block her incoming emails even at work. But maybe he should simply print them out before deleting them and keep them for later use if necessary.

The police have to take these things serious, but as this progresses, she will lose credibility with them and then they will be p*ssed that she has been wasting their time. Believe it or not, her actions are setting her up for you and H to possibly sue her for harrassment damages.

Who

It's amazing how our WS DON'T think for one second that they jeopardize their BS's safety and life when they decide to have A.

I started to get blocked ID/ hang up calls. Immediately had the phone# changed. The phone company (Verizon) has a "TRACE CALL" service for $5.00/month which will trace even blocked ID callers. Sign up for it now. It will kick in immediately once you sign up for it. I would suggest holding off in changing your phone just to get enough evidence for the police.

The way it works it that you have to pick up the phone when the calls come in so that it will be recorded by the phone company who will notify the police or law authority in your area to get involve. Just let the phone company know what's going on that you and your husband are being harrassed and you fear for your life and children's safety. The phone company will work with your local law enforcement agency and bring this psycho to justice.

Good luck. You've gotten some good basic advice. What you need to do is think three steps ahead of this psycho.

A very hard and expensive lesson for you WH.

Still think you should just shut off your home line. Presuming it's a local call the number wouldn't show up on your bill so you can't disprove her claim of a harrasing phone call even with the bill. However, the cell phone keeps a record of all calls and YOU could then really be your husbands alibi (i.e. - he was home all night, we have been keeping a journal to defeat these false claims she's making and he was home from 6:30 pm until 7 am, we have NO home phone only his and her cell phones. Here are the cell phone bills from that period and NO calls were made to anyone that evening.).

By the time the DA gets to questioning you about any particular night you can't guarantee with any specificity that your husband didn't sneak out back with the home phone and make that harassing call. Without a journal you can't guarantee that husband didn't run out to the gas station and stop at a pay phone.

At work, again...he needs to buddy up and journal his day. It seems she HAS to provide a time the call(s) were placed. If she were that troubled by them she could document time. If she's avoiding being specific point that out to the police and DA as that IS telling. Liars don't like specifics...to risky.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks everyone. She has Not called our home phone or our cell phones since she received the RO. She has only tried to contact H at his work. According to the receptionist, she called last Tuesday asked for H and when asked who is calling she HU. The receptionist knows her voice and has been documenting any calls that she beleives our from her. Unfortunately, it's useless to call the police because they told H the last time that H can't prove it was her unless he speaks to her. Which then causes a problem because if he speaks to her he breaks the RO. What she is doing now is using the RO that she got on H to claim harrasment. She gave the police a time frame between 9:00am and 10:00am when she knows that he is at work. She claimed that he has called her at her work. She knows that neither of their work places have caller ID and that it would be hard to get work phone records. She definately has a plan, I think that this is just the beginning and it is going to get worse.

H and I talked about it for awhile late last night because we couldn't sleep. He said he is going to contest the RO. He is tired of her lies and wants the judge to know that it is all false fabrication. He want's her to show proof to the judge that he has done all these things to her.

I guess I am posting again because I really need emotional support. I read you responses to my H. He is glad that I have found this forum and wanted me to let you know that he really appreciates your advice. I will let you know if anything else happens. Thank you all and please don't hesitate to let me know what you think or just to give some support.

Hire a private investigator to track her antics. They are really good at it.

What exactly does the RO prevent him from doing? Talking to her and harrassing her? If that's it, why bother contesting it? If he's really in NC he's not talking to her anyway.

Sure, nobody likes to be falsely accused, but just because you're accused doesn't mean you're guilty. Oh the things my XW has accused me of! Sometimes it's better NOT to try to defend accusations. Sometimes it's just better to shake your head, wonder what's going on in THAT person's head and be thankful for being sane.

Another question - why submit yourselves to the drama of contesting the RO? It'll give her a chance to get all lathered up again and possibly reset her whole emotional clock. - keeping the roller coaster on the track for another lap.

The RO will time out and be gone. Maybe the best course is to let this happen.

A point of detail -
How do you know this?

Finally, there is a bright side to this drama - this OW sure has shown her true colors! It ought to be WAY easy for your H to regret what he did and NEVER be tempted to contact her again! If all OPs were like this I think we'd all be better off!

Not sure that this is accurate. If SHE Calls HIM and he DOESN"T KNOW it is HER until he answers the phone, seems that SHE is the one invalidating the RO. Something he might be able to do here is get a recorder to attach to his office phone. Folks use them to record telephone interviews. If OW calls, the receptionist could put the call thru and warn your H that she suspects it is OW. He could then answer the call beginning, "this call is being recorded" Stating up front that the call is recorded protects him from her claiming that he illegially recorded the call. I'll bet that will stop the office calls.


The same proof rule would apply to her here.

IMHO, both you and H need to take deep breaths and start doing your best to not react to OW at all. Right now, she has you running scared, because you are reacting to her lead. Time is on your side here. If your H isn't calling her, then there can be no evidence or proof for the police to find when they investigate.

Trust me on this one, there is all too much of this cr*p going on and the police have seen it all, more than once.

Time is on your side here, use it.

Who

I want her to call our home phone or our cell's I want to catch her, we haven't changed them. Our DSL is through our home phone co. if I disconnect, I will not have internet access. We have documented everything and now I guess we have to sit back and wait for the big bomb? My H would not be stupid enough to call her from our house or his cell. He knows that I check the cell bill. How is this going to help us rebuild our marriage if we are constantly obsessing on where H is, saving receipts if he goes to get smokes at night or gas, calling me to say he going to lunch and when he just got in his car to come home from work. Watching our back all the time..It is very frustrating..

Beauty,


It isn't, and that is just exactly what OW intends. That is why time is on your side here. If she doesn't see results, she should grow tired of exerting this much effort when she doesn't see the desired return on the time she is investing.

Can you get DSL or hight speed internet connection thru your cable company? How about wireless connection?

Who

Thank you Who..I am taking a very deep breath right now..You are right, she does have us worked up, exactly what she wants. It's just that since this began in Jan, we have not responded to her in anyway, just as we were advised to by the police. But she has not gone away, it seems that no response from H makes her livid. **Aahh, I just got it (light bulb)**we are doing the right thing and no contact from H is really tweaking her out. Good..I hope she is sitting at home crying and rocking back and forth.

I am going to remember to just breathe..Thank you for your great advice..This is why I posted so you guy's could help me deal with this situation.

Have the work phone tapped. Ask for it and when she calls, have the calls taped. He doesn't have to answer them. Also put caller id on both the receptionist and his phone. It shouldn't be that costly.

L.

Hi Orchid,

H works for a big company and he doesn't have the authority to add caller id to the phones, but he is ready to record her next phone call if she calls. He advised the recp to put her through. H called prior police officer today about her ph call on Tues and advised him of her allegations from yesterday. He said that he doubts D.A. will do anything about it and he said that it was not illegal for him to record her call without telling her. Also, he said that if she calls him, he is not violating her RO..She is violating hers.

His co-workers know about her and they have been helping H with documenting anything that has to do with her. Just in case...

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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> You're not giving her the interaction/attention that she so desperately craves, therefore, it's literally eating her alive. How dare they ignore ME!!!! As you said...she may be sitting at home, crying. However, she sounds like an exact duplicate of my husband's OW, so she may be sitting at home crying AND planning. You may have her cornered for now, but definitely don't let your defenses down, not even for a moment.

Hopefully, with time, she'll forget about her "need" for revenge and move onto someone else (poor soul, whomever that may be), or she'll lay low for awhile and take "anonymous" jabs at you like my OW does. No names, just initials...the threat could be aimed at anyone.

I remember calling the police, concerned about an implied threat that the OW had written on her Yahoo profile (this is how she gets around the RO) and the officer just laughed at us. He told us "not to look". So, what we did was have him file an informational report, just so that it would be on record. In fact, almost 2 years later, she still uses this to try to rattle my cage. I'm older and wiser now.

My husband and I have been through the exact same thing that you're going through now. PM me if you need someone to rant to, who's been there. Perhaps my husband and I can help you with what we've learned.

"What part of it "It's over!!" don't these people understand?"

I went back to the first post in this thread and "analyzed" it to see what we had done in this sitch.

Regarding the "fake" emails....our OW did this. She took it upon herself (how thoughtful of her) to set up an account for my husband so that she could pose as him and send loving emails to herself. We also printed out the full header information with all of the emails she had sent, as herself, as her brother, as an attorney, as her sister in law (she posed as numerous people to guage my husband's reaction about her)....and found that the SENDING and RECEIVING IP address were the same. She sent them to herself.

What I'm saying here is:

(1) Emails are not admissable in court without the full header information. Your email server should give you the option to print them out with these full details.

(2) If she thinks she's that clever to fake an email, get the full header information to prove that she sent them to herself.

If she's calling the police on your husband every day, it will look like she's out for revenge and perhaps the police will come to the conclusion that she's only crying wolf. Maybe that's why the DA will be handling her cases? That, unfortunately, is the beauty of the OW accusing someone falsely....they get to let the city legal system do all the work, and not have to pay any attorney fees. It's you against the city...she has no part in it anymore. Nice, huh?

I was falsely accused by the OW of making harassing phone calls to her (no-one decided to check to see if her claims were true) I was written a ticket, and fought it in court. The DA handled my case and it was dismissed. I guess she thought that I'd just pay the ticket and move on with my life. Nope. I'm not gonna pay for something I didn't do!!!

When we hired the attorney for the RO, I had him get a "right of discovery" to find out what was in my police file on the harassing phone calls charge. My case was still open, you see...so I was not allowed to look at the police statement she wrote against me. All I can say is that after my husband and I read what she had accused me of...****** hath no fury like a woman scorned. I literally saw red.

I know that this may not help much..but just keep in mind that "the truth will prevail" and that eventually justice will be served. If the OW keeps it up, with her wild stories, etc, she will portray herself as a fool. I like that old saying "Better to be thought of as a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."

I'll add more as I think of it later, ok?+
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