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To all BS':
STOP calling the OP by their 1st name. When communicating with the WS consider one of the following:
1. If the OP is the OW and married....call her Mrs. _______ (whatever her last name is).
2. If the OP is the OW and NOT married, call her Mz _______ (last name)
3. If you don't know the OP's last name, call the OP, just that (OTHER PERSON or even refer to the OP in plural - Other people).
4. If the OP is an OM, call him by his last name.
WHY? The last name is a reminder the OP is NOT part of the family. There is less of a romantic link if the WS hears you refer to the OP by their last name or given NON friendly nick name.
In my case, the OW was called Mrs. Jolie (name changed to protect the not so innocent - OW) and then she got dubbed PBR (pyscho babble rabbit).
When I began using her last name, calling her OW, other people or even PBR......it helped me be less emotional and even the WS began referring to her as such....that really helped. LOL!!! Still the A went on but it certainly was les s attractive.
Just my thought for the day!
take care,
L.
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My H called the FOM "that guy..."
Not calling him by his name was very effective...
It removed him from the realm of of our world of family and friends and made him an outsider (which he was)...
Great post, Orchid!
Me: FWW (34)
H: BS (35)
Together 12 years, no children (yet)
LTA: 3 years
D-Day: Sept. 13, 2005 (I confessed)
So blessed, thankful and happy for my wonderful H...
"God lives in the gathering of saints."
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My H called the FOM "that guy..."
Not calling him by his name was very effective...
It removed him from the realm of of our world of family and friends and made him an outsider (which he was)...
Great post, Orchid! KM, Coming from you, I'd say that was a big compliment. You have given testimony as to what does work....from the 'other view'. Thank you very much for your post. I hope it helps others as well. How are you doing? L.
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Thanks, Orchid! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I have learned so much from you and so many others on this board... even if I don't post often, I am here everyday reading and learning... Right now things are going okay... I'm reading a lot of John Bradshaw and doing "original pain" work in addition to IC... H is helping me with this... he is a Godsend... H and I were released from MC two months ago because our therapist thought we were doing so well (!!) ...we rarely talk about the A at all, which sometimes worries me a bit. H is in grad school and very busy... sometimes I worry things will come crashing down when he is finished... he is very distracted with school work at the moment. I will occasionally do a "check in" and he says he never thinks about the A but can see why I would... I don't know if this is unusual or not... OM has stalked me since DDay but I haven't seen him in 3 weeks now (he usually makes himself visible to me in various parking lots near work/home.) Since I've seen him so frequently since the Fall he's still on my mind everyday and I think I'm finally really withdrawing from him... I'm looking forward to the day when he is gone from my mind entirely (or, at least gone from it on a daily basis). Thank you for asking, it means a lot! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> God bless...
Me: FWW (34)
H: BS (35)
Together 12 years, no children (yet)
LTA: 3 years
D-Day: Sept. 13, 2005 (I confessed)
So blessed, thankful and happy for my wonderful H...
"God lives in the gathering of saints."
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I just don't call her anything...I IGNORE THE WISTRESS.
I don't say her name at all.
that's gotta make my xh even crazier than he is...the darn alien!
and it does not validate the role of the wistress either. which I shall never do. I don't really regard her at all. sorry folks. I am not mean, but I don't enable it at all...not even .0000000001 percent.
I just pretend she's kinda invisible. And I carry on just as I did before all this crud started. with dignity.
don't enable the affair!
calling her by name, or giving ANY CREDENCE to the affair is WHAT THE ALIENS WANT OK?
that's what they desire...that over time, we'll just get used to it. SORRY DUDE..NOT BUYING IT..if ya rip up a family for pleasure, you're not gonna get acceptance from me. you will get me pleasant, decent and ladylike acting b/c that's how i am to everybody...aliens included...but I am not gonna enable your affair..or affair marriage for that matter.
me:37 BS; s:7;
xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
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We both referred to her by name during the A, but now she is just "Certain People". Which is good since hearing her name still tends to bring up violent impulses in me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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My FWH has asked me to refer to OW as "it" if I need to speak of her at all. Kinda gives her that hideous monster appeal which I like. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
BS 39
FWH 39
M almost 14 years
DS 11 DS 8 DD 4 DD 4
PA 1/02-7/02
dday 12-15-05
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Great Post!!! I am going to initiate that right away. Man! wish I would have realized to do this a long time ago.
I like "it" quite a bit. Might use that or "that girl".
Thanks Orchid!
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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I have a slight problem with the OM's name. It is the same name as my future son in law. My DD started going out with him after the A.
I notice that both my H and I take a slight pause before we say the name. He has a nickname which I sometimes call him by but that doesn't always fit the situation. It is a constant reminder of a name for both me and my H and, though the sitch sounds slightly comical, it isn't.
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KiwiJ, In sitches as yours, probably a nick name w/b best. I also called PBR 'other people'. When the then WS would say it's only been her.....I'd give him the look of mistrust and ask, r u sure? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Then he would start to doubt his memory which we all know the WS does not have good memory capabilities.... re: too much gray cells working on recreating history instead of telling the truth. L.
Last edited by Orchid; 04/15/06 05:44 PM.
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Orchid, thanks for this post. I have often wonderred about this. I felt the first anem almost made them sound like a friend, but Last name sounded so formal. However now when I thnk about it, I would much rather the formal sound than to give off the air of friendship.
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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geez, don't know what we would do if wh and I ever got back together (which, if ****** hasn't frozen over yet, ain't gonna happen) his little ho's name is the same as mine! lovely huh? go figure. mlhb
God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.
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I never called FOW by any name. I would say "She" or "Her" if referring to her. Now if she is mentioned by my FWH, he calls her "that b---h" or sometimes, "that crazy b---h". I like that alot better than She or Her...
BW (Me) 39
FWH (41)
Married 14 yrs
DS 4/2000
DD 12/2002
DD 8/2005
PA 1/05 - 9/12/05
D-Day 10/13/05
Status: Trying to rebuild
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I just called him (and still call him)...the Troll. As in...
"Troll, why do you continue to insist on being a waste to humanity?"
In His arms.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Oh Goody!
Orchid sez it's okay to call "her" VD (which, are her irl initials)....
ROTFLMAO!
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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Personally, I refer to the OW by several names, depending on who I'm talking to. When just to myself or the dog, she's "that peice of trash W*&^E", the "trash-ho", or "skank-ho". If discussed with WH, I've either called her by her actual first name or call her "that person". To my girlfriend I call her "it" My friend gave me the best idea- she told me about the old custom of someone being considered "dead to you" (such as when they are disowned or have disgraced their family), so I try to think of OW as "dead to me" because I chose to consider her as "nothing", "non-existent", and having no power over me. Guess this could be shortened to be "DTM". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Slammed
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None is married. I call them the greek, the brazilian or just that girl... H calls them by their first name... and doesn't like if I call them slut, "wanna be prostitute" or anything else. Depending on the situation that's what cames out. I don't really hate them... not more then I hate him this days anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
d-Day- jan2006
Me 38, WH, 36
Children-8 and 10
status: slow, slow, recovery...
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Usually I have referred to the OW by vulgar sexual terms which may seem small of me. But.....it's so out of character for me that it really gets my exWS's attention! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> As far as calling her "Ms." and her last name.....Well, her last name creates a bit of a problem for me. I will use it here because it isn't an unusual last name (as I'm finding out!) Her last name is ......."Darling". Ms. Darling.....nope, just doesn't work for me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
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When Squid was in her affair I referred to OM as 'him'. Squid asked me over an entitled foggy lunmch "why can't you say his name , it is *O** * *****?".
I replied:
" I have earned the right to call him just about any name I choose. "him" is as polite as its ever going to get."
Now 20 months later even Squid doesn't mention his name.
MB Alumni
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Usually I have referred to the OW by vulgar sexual terms which may seem small of me. But.....it's so out of character for me that it really gets my exWS's attention! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> As far as calling her "Ms." and her last name.....Well, her last name creates a bit of a problem for me. I will use it here because it isn't an unusual last name (as I'm finding out!) Her last name is ......."Darling". Ms. Darling.....nope, just doesn't work for me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Ow's married name was an american name (after a river)....no big deal but her maiden name which she took back is Chew. I once called her Ms. Chewed (during one of her infamous calls to my home late at night). Oooh boy.... I still have a field day with that name. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Orchid; 04/18/06 03:06 AM.
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