Send her one more no contact letter with the words highlighted in big, bold letters:

Future contact will be considered harassment and the proper authorities will be notified.

Keep a copy of the letter for your records incase of future contact. AND SEND IT CERTIFIED so you have record she received it.

And back it up. If there is further contact begin logging it and contact the law or a lawyer.

Do not answer. Send a certified letter to her stating that she is not to call you. Tell her in the letter if she calls you will file against her for harrassment. You might pack up all the photos of her family and send those to her as well.

I feel so bad for you. I know you are in so much pain.

This was a double betrayal for you. Being a young mom is hard enough without all this. Is there a MOPs (mothers of preschoolers) group in your area? You need to get out to meet other moms, develop new friendships.

((((snr))))

Expose the A to everyone. Especially to OWH (other womans husband)Your H is giving you babble fog talk. He needs to know that you can't possibly EVER have anything to do with former BF 9best friend) again. See how he sounds? For him to suggest that is nuts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Ask him if it were the other way around and it was his best friend, would he want you all to remain friends. Come ON.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

What H and BF did is dispicable and my heart aches for you.
You can get new friends, even though you will be guarded with them from now on. We are your new friends, lean on us, ask us anything at anytime. We are here for you. If you have any family close by, please call them to come over and help you with the babies. Tell them about the A, don't be embarrased, you will be surprised at how supportive they will be. PM me anytime, I will listen..

Snr,

I am so sorry for your pain and your H's selfish, selfcentered, words to you.

""He thinks by calling it an addiction it is taking away from the love he has for her."" ""He says he wants to try, but he feels i trivialize what he had with her""

This ALIEN BEING that was your H is very much under the foggy influence of the endorphins and pheremones that are saturating his brain like a crack-head sucking on his pipe.

The only way out of the fog is for him to quit her cold turkey. He will then go through withdrawal and hopefully sooner than later will start to see what he has done.

At present all he can see is that he is losing the lust-high he has with your XBF (best friend)

What does the OW's husband have to say about the deal. He should totally be all for NC and maybe HE is thinking about moving away.

""wants to hope that someday we can have a relationship with the whole family.""

DO YOU SEE HOW IDIOTIC HE IS SOUNDING??!!! Do not believe anything coming out of his mouth at this time. He is wacko!!

Insist on NC. Maybe get with the husband of OW and compare notes on what to do...maybe not. This is a strange set of circumstances, but I know there are similiar ones here in the halls of MB, and hopefully more will chime in.

Do check on the anti depressants. The will help with the mood swings and assist with your day to day duties.

Keep posting here. A good place to vent and get advise and EMPATHY.

Stay strong!

k

Snr419,

Change your home ph#, cell ph# and email address. Send her a certified NC letter from you. H will need to send one to her seperatley. My H's OW would not stop or let go and we had to file an RO. She was livid that we were ignoring her. She started watching H and our family at home from across the street, emailing and calling H and even tried to get him fired. So, we had to do it, you never know what the OW is going to do, even if she was your best friend. She will be in the fog too and will not be anyone that you recognize as being your former friend. So please send her that letter so that you have proof to give to the judge if you have to file RO or stalking order. You can file an RO for you and your kids if your H does not want to file one.

Save everything you get from OW.(VM's, emails, notes left on doors).The more you have the better. Pack up all of the pics and anything she gave you and send them to her. She needs to know that you are serious.

And your H needs to know your serious about it to. H needs to work as a team with you. So if he is balking about this, then he is not ready to end A and work on M.

I still am confused what am I suppose to do with my feelings regarding her children. They were like my own, am I never suppose to see them again. I loved them and I feel an incrdible loss not seeing them. I have only not seen them for maybe a week in their entire lives. Please help

Snr,

""am I never suppose to see them again.""

I think this is the case.

This is a terrible lifechanging event, caused by two selfcentered, selfish people wanting self-gratification above all else!!!

This is very, very tragic.

kirk

I'm sorry, Snr. But, that is going to have to be what happens. Are you familar with the grieving process stages? Read up on that so you will know that your feelings are normal.

Is there a way you can do individiual counseling to help you deal with this?

MC is needed for the two of you - only if the mc is pro-marriage.

Post deleted by beauty

My husband and I are both in counseling, and we are taking each day one at a time. I am learning how to take care of myself again as well as two children. I thank God that he gave me these two babies, they are here to show me I can survive this. I am at the stage where I am over trying to figure out why this happened. I am now trying to figure out the lessons I need to learn from this, and what I need to do to develop a strong marriage. I believe my husband wants that as well. I am trying to work on the things that we need to change to help our marriage, and not let the A consume my every thought. I feel that is the best way to go to start recovery. It will be a roller coaster of emotions everyday, but in the end I hope for a better marriage and a better relationship with myself. Everyone makes mistakes, and I believe you are not defined by the mistake but how you rise to the occasion after the mistake. I did not cause the A, but I am at fault for letting my marriage be vunerable for an affair to happen. This has made me a stronger person, and I will try my best to save my family. I hope for the best. Thank you for the support I have gotten from many people on this website.

Snr,

""and not let the A consume my every thought.""

Good luck with that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

""It will be a roller coaster of emotions everyday, but in the end I hope for a better marriage and a better relationship with myself.""

Spoken like a true MB veteran.

How about those ADs??

k

Good luck with the recovery..I am glad that your H is willing to go to counseling. Has he agreed to NC with OW? and has he agreed to send her a NC letter? Has she quit calling you? Let us know what the MC says about contact with OW's children. I hope you can still see them somehow without jeopardizing your recovery.

snr,

I found out just over a year ago that my husband and my best friend were having an affair. It had gone on for about one year. It is, without a doubt, the most painful thing I have ever gone through. But it has marked a turning point in my life that I am thankful for on a daily basis.

We have worked hard over the last year and I will tell you that I would not trade what we have today for a million of those yesterdays. We laugh, we hang out, we argue, we love. But it is together. After much soul searching on both our parts, we realized that we truly did love each other and that we had alot at stake. 13 years, a daughter, a house, a father-in-law that lives with us but most importantly, a history. Good, bad and ugly, it was ours.

I have not spoken to my former best friend. I miss her everyday. Or at least who I thought she was. My husband and I have discovered that she told us both alot of lies, set up alot of situations to make us turn on each other and split apart. She did not succeed. I am sick to my stomach when I think about things like shopping for shoes - the sexy pair she bought for my husband. Or she and I looking at the house my husband and I eventually bought. Or putting up wallpaper in the bathroom that he and I share. All the while, she is having sex with him on a regular basis.

I know that I won't ever speak to her again. And that makes me sad. It was a great friendship. One that should have still been around when I was 80. And you won't talk to your best friend either. Because you deserve better. There is a special bond between best friends (especially women) and there is a line that is not crossed. For you and me, that line was crossed and you can't go back.

Please don't misunderstand me. I hold my husband accountable for making the decision to sleep with someone else. And for that someone else to be my best friend. Someone that our daughter loved and called her Aunt. He views it as the "most stupid thing he has ever done"(DUH!). He understands that the who is almost worse that the what.

The things your husband is saying now are truly "the fog". Mine thought that the two of them could still be friends. Uh, no! He eventually got it and not to get too deep, he understands that both he and I were pawns in some sick game she was playing.

As for your kids, they will hurt. My daughter still misses her. At first, she talked about her all the time. Now, it is only occassionaly. I told her that her Aunt had lied to Mom and had made decisions that Mom just could not agree with so I decided to end our friendship. I think it had such a finality to it that she accepted it.

I apologize for this being so long. I have hung out on this site for many, many months. I have never posted but I know exactly how you feel and how much you are hurting. You will find alot of support here. Alot of wisdom and alot of hope. In the beginning, I was combing through these pages everyday, several times a day. Now it is only sometimes.

I wish I could tell you it gets better quickly. It doesn't. It will hurt for a long time. It is a double hit for you. Make your decisions about what you think is best for YOUR life. Don't pay attention to what other people tell you. If you listen to yourself, you will know what to do.

Good luck and hang in there. Oh and by the way, long hot baths works wonders. So do alot a prayers.

ellcee,

You should post more. Very nice post.

k

I agree with Krusht. The best advice is to hear it from someone who has been in the exact same position. Great post ellcee. Your advice is priceless to SNR..I hope you can give her some more. Good job <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ellcee

did you and your husband stay in the same town as your ex-best friend or did yall move. How did you learn to trust him again. I am a stay at home mom so I am home all day, and he leaves and I have to trust that he is where he says he is. He calls me often throughout the day, but it is still hard. Especially if he doesn't answer his phone. How did you learn to trust again?

Snr,

I am a stay at home mom too. And my H calls me through out the day as well. You are never going to trust him completely, but his actions will guide the way. My H has been very transparent and let's me know where he is going and calls me when he leaves for lunch and when he is leaving work to come home. He even emails me the emails he gets from his boss if he has to go to a meeting of some kind after work or a business trip. H has to go to Dallas for a three day convention and you bet I am nervous about it. That is how he and OW would hook up, but it was ususally in Seattle for weekend courses he was taking. I wish I could go with him so I could be sure, but I have two little ones to take care of and we don't have the money to fly me there. So, I have to let him go and just pray that he is commited to me like he says. Believe me, I will be in close contact with him by phone the whole time. I will check his cell ph record on the bill and our checking account to see if he orders food that would feed more than just himself. (While in Seattle H ordered a $15.00 Pizza and I asked him why he bought such a big Pizza for just himself. He said we didn't have much money so he thought he would save some for the next day) Come to find out, It was a lie, he was with OW and they ate the Pizza together. It is early in our recovery and I feel I still have to do these things. I wish I didn't. But he has to earn my trust and that is going to take time. The OW wants him back still even 4 months later, so I have to watch my back.

Your H is going to have to earn your trust and you are going to be suspicious. It's ok, you want to know if H is being true. It's hard but it get's better each day, especially if H is very transparent with you and honest. It's a long road and I know how you feel

Thank you k and beauty. The whole story is a little sordid. I never found someone in my same shoes who was posting. But I sure got a lot of help from everyone else!

SNR,

Not only do we live in the same town but she and I work for the same company. She works at a different location. No, we did not move. We live in the suburbs of New Orleans and were affected by Hurricane Katrina. I wanted to move so badly. But our life, our house, our work is here and we wanted to come back to help rebuild. But I do think about it alot. Early on, I was afraid to go to the store, the mall, Target, even work. But not so much anymore. I got tired of walking around in clinch mode all the time. Besides, I have seen her only twice in person - once when I caught my H at her house very early on and once where I work. But I never seem to see her in public. In fact, my H and I were discussing that last night. He has seen her only once and that was driving down the street with me in the car with him. I do see her occasionally when I drop my D off at school. I can barely breathe and it makes my stomach hurt. But it gets a little better each time. I do fantasize about some big blow out confrontation but it hasn't happened yet and now, I don't really want to expend the energy on her. My H says that she took enough things from us. We don't need to give her anymore. He's right.


As for the trust, I still deal with it all the time. My H has been very upfront since the fog lifted (about 3 months after D-Day). We talk to each other often during the day
(he drives around town all day and yes, it used to worry me). When he goes to a friends house, he calls and makes sure I hear their voice in the background. But most of the time, he either asks if I want to go with him or I tell him I want to go. MB calls it transparency. Your H has to be willing to let you SEE that he is doing what he is says he is doing. Over time, you realize that he ALWAYS is doing what he says. But there are days I still doubt. And it always seems to coincide with PMS days. What is up with that?

As for the phone, He used to leave it in his truck when he went into a customer's store. I explained that it made me uncomfortable when I couldn't reach him. He has kept it in his pocket ever since and always answers the phone. If he misses the call for some reason, my phone is ringing with in a couple of minutes.

I think I should have posted a long time ago. Looking back, I can see his efforts more easily now than I could back then. That's a good thing for me.

I hate hime and I want to leave. I don't know what to do. Last night he told me that when he said that it might have been an addiction, he just told me that to make me feel better. I am so confused I know it has only been two weeks, but I just feel it won't ever be better. Please help.

(((SNR))) I'm so sorry. Have you read Surviving an Affair yet?

Are you doing your Plan A- the carrot and the stick? Have you exposed to his family? Your family? Her family?

He can't see that it is an addiction- most folks involved in an addictive behavior don't see that.

Hang in there, honey.