|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808 |
good morning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I hope your day id going well. You know this whole process is made up of baby steps. Sounds like you took a couple yesterday.
You're doing great- you really are.
Hang in there- keep your chin up.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808 |
Good morning,
I Know you must be glad it is Friday. Having your husband at home with you this weekend will be good. I hope the two of you are planning to do something just the two of you.
You really need to make sure you are getting some good quality time together- time where you don't talk about the affair, the ow, or even too much relationship talk. Focus on one another.
Let us know how you are doing.
We're pulling for you
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808 |
Hey there,
I saw you posted to someone else- way to go. You will grow so much by doing that.
you're doing great.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808 |
SNR, check in and update us, please.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 126
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 126 |
We had a pretty good weekend. Friday was his birthday and the kids and I threw him a party. It was a lot of fun. On Saturday he and I went out alone and we talked like we use too it was a lot of fun. But my nights are horrible. I am up with the baby for most of the night, and when I do go to sleep I have images of them together or nightmares that he leaves me and the kids. Will those ever go away. I also get very angry with him when I think about how they got started and when I think about times I couldn't get a hold of him and really needed him during my pregnancy he was probably with her. I am having a hard time in Plan A. I am so angry. I feel like I am faking. How do you do Plan A? How do you treat someone with respect and honor when they couldn't do the same for you. Please help?
BS-27(Me)
WS-29
D-Day-April 10 2006
stay at home mom
2 kids (23 months and 10.5 months)
NC-April 26 2006
D-day 2 2/3/2007
d-day 3 2/27/2007
d-day 4 6/15/2007 (OW says she is pregnant)
"A woman is like a teabag; you never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 296
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 296 |
SNR, Remember, Plan A isn't about them, it's about you. It's about making you happy. If, as a result, they see you happy and want to share in that, well, there ya go. You can't be happy in marriage if you're not happy with yourself. Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
~~One day at a time is all we're given. Just deal with today and let God have tomorrow.~~
Me = 32 FWH in 1996. Current BH
Her = 33 FWW
DS 15
DD 11
DS 7
Discovery March 29, 2006
Recovery and proud of it!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
snr, you are supposed to be very angry. That is a natural reaction to your trauma. You don't have to act happy but you do have to avoid lovebusters. Acting on your anger in any way would be a disaster right now.
For now, come here and talk to us about it. Come here and UNLOAD where it is SAFE to do so. When he gets through withdrawal, THEN you can discuss your feelings with him in a more open way.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808 |
Mel's right, SNR. we're here for that very reason.
It really helped me to write it out in a journal. I could really get the hurt and anger out. Go sit in the car and scream if you have to.
I'm glad you guys had a good weekend.
I know what you mean about the nights being hard. Those horrible thoughts will fade with time.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 126
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 126 |
I am feeling completely alone. I now have no one in this town. No friends or family. Every since the affair my 15 month old has changed from a happy vibrant child to a whiny irritable child. Does she know something is going on? I want to leave this place and all the bad memories behind. Is it reasonable of me to ask my husband to leave a stable job to move somewhere else. I don't think I can make it here by myself. Plus I don't want to run into her or her family. Does anyone have any advice?
BS-27(Me)
WS-29
D-Day-April 10 2006
stay at home mom
2 kids (23 months and 10.5 months)
NC-April 26 2006
D-day 2 2/3/2007
d-day 3 2/27/2007
d-day 4 6/15/2007 (OW says she is pregnant)
"A woman is like a teabag; you never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412 |
snr,
As you life moves forward and you add new and healthy people into it....some of this pain will ease. There is nothing wrong with starting over in a new place....but it takes time and planning. Ask your husband how he feels about it....get him excited about the prospect of starting a clean slate and making new friends. Yes, your baby feels your anxiety....so calm yourself and spend some time kissing is sweet skin and making him smile. He's one of the reasons....you are NOT alone. You have US too chere.
(((((((((((((((((((((snr)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((snr)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412 |
another (((((((((((((snr)))))))))))))))
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,549
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,549 |
SNR--please don't blame yourself for your baby's fussiness. It's possible she's picking up vibes from you, but far more likely, it's a combination of you not having the tolerance you used to, and the baby just being frustrated with herself for some sort of emotional development she is going through. Don't sweat any of that stuff--keep working on YOU. Try something simple like a bubble bath to calm yourself, and then lay down with the baby, next time she takes a nap. Enjoy the little things. (Jeez, it's so much easier to give this kind of advice than to take it--I'm really no better!)
Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
Status: Chronicled in Dr. Suess's "The Zax"
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 126
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 126 |
We had a huge fight last nigth. I wanted to know things about the affair and he gets irritated. He says he doesn't know why he had the affair. He was friends with her before he knew me, and he says he was always attracted to her and just wanted to see if something was there. If he doesn't know why he did it is it possible to work on recovery. I just don't know what to do. It sometimes makes me sick to be around him. Do you start on plan A immediately or do you have to deal with the anger and pain first. It has been 2 1/2 weeks with no contact. I am having a hard time working on myself. I am feeling very sorry for myself and my children. I am having a hard time letting him be around our children. I don't know if he has any morals and I am starting to question if he is or ever was a good person. Help I am at a loss and don't know what to do
BS-27(Me)
WS-29
D-Day-April 10 2006
stay at home mom
2 kids (23 months and 10.5 months)
NC-April 26 2006
D-day 2 2/3/2007
d-day 3 2/27/2007
d-day 4 6/15/2007 (OW says she is pregnant)
"A woman is like a teabag; you never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412 |
snr, I'm going to leave you this absolutely EXCELLENT post from ark^^ betrayed spouses.......JUST BE STILL
Some of the most painful posts to read here ....is the confusion and turmoil of betrayed spouses....
those post D-day days weeks and sadly months in which so many things are left unanswered, unaddressed and emtpy...
be still.....
In our turmoil and chaos and the gnawing need to fix and address.....bs bring into their hearts more pain and crisis....
be still...
There was once a saying I read somewhere that went something like to really ever understand someone else we must crawl inside of them and feel the gentle beat of their heart....
easier probably for a BS to move a mountain than to grasp and work from that realm....
but be still...
each moment of stillness you can buy grab or gobble is a moment in which you are free from the pain and free from the fear..
fear of doing the wrong thing
fear of saying the wrong thing...
the goal is not marriage rebuilding at any cost...
the goal is guiding yourself to a place of stillness...no matter the outcome....
the anatomy of a WS is that they changed and molded their own thought processes so that they could engage in a affair....
they did this....
they did this....over time and in a way in which they can barely see the reality of this...but they did do it...
be still
it takes time.....
too many posts are from BS with unrealistic EXPECTATIONS which will harm you...
it is unrealistic to think that the thought processes needed to engage in such vile actions....vanishes over night
working through affair issues takes time...gobs and gobs of it...
and if you find yourself standing in a place of demanding change and specified responses, introspection, apologies, and instant change...
be still
for you are causing more grief that you need to burdon....
they did this...and they must undo this...
will they?
the truth is we don't know..
but to ever be a whole person again they darn well better...otherwise they carry their chaos on and on..and in the end no BS needs to burdon that.....
WS, though hard to see when they have used you as a weapon are very very damaged inside.....
they can not face that damage...and since that damage is YOU the BS...they often can not face you..
so they continue to waffle and wallow in the path that brought them to this place...
the way of rationalizing and justifying downright no two ways about it dispicable behavior acts....
force them to the face and process at once..
they will withdrawal
they will deny
they will retaliate
or even worse they will self destruct themselves....
be still....
don't force responses and actions and answers...be still and know that their non-responses , non actions and non answers ARE their answers....and you can hold them accountable to that
be still
and then make your moves....
ARK^^
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 371
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 371 |
((( Snr )))
Dear God, Please bring some peace to our dear angel, snr. Help her Dear God, in her hour of need.
((( Snr )))
Carnation
Me - BS 55
WH/FWH 50
OW 30
Much evidence says that my H was/is
deeply involved in a very long term PA
Prolly will never know much more than that
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808 |
Hey there, I am so sorry you are hurting.
Yes, it is possible to go into recovery if they don't know. I am over 10 months past d-day ad 11 months no contact and my FWS STILL says he doesn't know why it happened- that it was just a stupid mistake. We had quite the discussion about this on Monday. We didn't fight about it- we can now discuss it logically and without the flare of emotions. His A was with his old girlfriend from high school- just talking to an old flame snowballed into an affair.
Yes, you start on Plan A immediately. Part of Plan A is making you, your family, your relationship, etc look better (maybe not literally) than the op. So, yeah you start it ASAP.
It is hard to do that I know. Your self esteem is shot, so you feel like you are having to dig out of a hole. Even small changes are good and they make way for bigger things.
Honey, the man you live with right now is not your husband- he is a foggy alien. He'll come out of the fog. He hasn't lost his morals- it was a lapse - a very painful lapse.
As for questions about the affair, have you read Joseph's letter? There is a whole thread on it Just Found Out. Maybe you can print that out for him. It explains why you, the BS, needs to know things. Something that has helped me with that is I write down what I want to ask him. I give it to him so that he can answer those questions without me being emotional asking them.
You know you can call the radio show for more advice. The link is at the top of the page and it is on from 10-1 central time.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 126
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 126 |
He says that sometimes he thinks he should leave to work on himself, because he has caused too much damage to fix our relationship. He also talks about that he feels like he lost himself in our relationship and he doesn't know who or what he wants. He thinks he wants to try to work on himself and our relationship, but he can't give me any gurantees. He feels like when we got married he didn't truly know who he was or what he wanted. Can we reconnect. Because I want someone to be with me cause they choose me not out of obligation. Is this just fog talk..Should I expect gurantees right now. Should I expect anything from him right now.
BS-27(Me)
WS-29
D-Day-April 10 2006
stay at home mom
2 kids (23 months and 10.5 months)
NC-April 26 2006
D-day 2 2/3/2007
d-day 3 2/27/2007
d-day 4 6/15/2007 (OW says she is pregnant)
"A woman is like a teabag; you never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808 |
I hope you'll encourage him to stay and work on it together.
All this is fog talk- you have to be the lighthouse to help him see his way out.
Plan A- work on you.
Remember it is the fog talking.
Did he watch Oprah this week? she did this show on losing your identity in the marriage.
Don't expect anything.
Did you read be still that was posted earlier?
He is following the WS Script, SNR.
Hang in there.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412 |
He says that sometimes he thinks he should leave to work on himself, because he has caused too much damage to fix our relationship. He also talks about that he feels like he lost himself in our relationship and he doesn't know who or what he wants. He thinks he wants to try to work on himself and our relationship, but he can't give me any gurantees. He feels like when we got married he didn't truly know who he was or what he wanted. Can we reconnect. Because I want someone to be with me cause they choose me not out of obligation. Is this just fog talk..Should I expect gurantees right now. Should I expect anything from him right now. snr....this is right out of the WS script book....complete and utter fog babble. Have you studied Orchid's thread for "reverse babble"? He is doing the rewriting of history, justification, playing the victim...blah blah. Put your hands over your ears and sing "lalalalalallaalalal" (well not really....but in your mind okay?) Do not take his words to heart....he will retract them later if you two stay together. (((((((((((snr))))))))))))))
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808 |
SNR, are you still around? I've been thinking about you and wanted to check up on you.
take care
|
|
|
|
1 members (Looking4change),
355
guests, and
123
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,525
Members72,047
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
