OK, here is my Plan B letter. Any suggestions on how I should shorten it so it doesn't look weak or needy..


Dear WW,

Although I have ALWAYS loved you with my heart and soul, I made you feel that EVERYTHING was more important to me than you. It never was the case, but that is how I made you feel and for that I am sorry. I have recognized those errors in judgment and have learned from them.

I've suffered tremendous pain from seeing our marriage falling apart and learning about your relationship with <OM>, but I never stopped loving you and I never forgot what a wonderful person you are and how much joy you brought me and our family. That gave me the strength and hope to go on. But the pain has became too much to bear and I cannot continue to live the way we are, so I had no choice but to separate for my own emotional well being. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

I do not want this separation, I want to be your husband. As much as I want this, you have made it clear that you don't, and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life except as the father of your kids, it is simply too painful. As always, I will continue to be the best father I can be and do whatever is necessary to insure our kids’ happiness and make their life as fulfilling as possible. Please do not contact me except for matters concerning our kids or an emergency.

I love you WW. You will always be very special to me. You are the only person I have allowed myself to love so deeply. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I just cannot be with you or see you while you still may be involved with another man and feel the need to have a separate life without me.

If, down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to give our marriage a chance, I am open to discussing it with you and working out a plan to restore our marriage and make it what we only dreamed it could be, but I will need to know you are committed to our marriage and assurance that <OM> is no longer a part of your life. I still love you, and as I said before, I believe in our marriage and I am willing to do whatever ever is necessary, but until that time, please respect my wishes.

All my love,
<H>

Hope...you're repeating yourself. Too long. Too much opportunity for her to construe this as "he'll wait for me".

I am with Cym on this...here is what I would write:

I love you. I won't share you. When you feel the same, contact me. Until then I do not want to communicate with you in any manner. However I must because we share children. Please understand that until such time that you feel as I do I will only communicate with you in regards to the exchange of our children and that is all. I would prefer to coordinate this with (insert name here). In the case of an emergency I can be contacted via (insert here...cell phone...leave message)..

Note that one of your children having a cold is NOT an emergency. A trip to the ER is. Note that your child throwing a tantrum is NOT an emergency, violent destructive behavior is. Note that a close member of her family dying IS NOT an emergency. You're NOT friends...you MEET ZERO EN's of hers. Hope....you need to get ready for this cause I worry you will break Plan B...she is a master manipulator...thread carefully...

Hope,

A very important aspect of Plan B that is often forgotten is to cut off all financial support where possible.

Hope,

Here are three things you may want to keep in mind. First, your letter is too long. I think you should follow closely what Cymanca wrote. It’s short, to the point, and prevents you from doing any of the peddling that you seem intent on doing.

Second, tell your wife to contact you only for emergency as regards your children, not for whatever involves your children. Big difference. Send Me is right on that point. If you open the door for your WW to contact you for whatever involves the children, you might as well give up on Plan B and plan on doing something more like what MIL is doing. But I think you should go to plan B, so be sure that your letter makes emergency the necessary condition for contact. Even then WW will claim all kinds of things are emergencies when they are not. So the minimum you can do is to at least set the stage to do a proper Plan B by not opening the door wide open for WW to trample on your Plan B resolve.

Lastly, I suggest that you not tell WW that you will be there for her if she decides to return. Like all WSs a perfect world is one when they can go and try the relationship with OP while BS waits on the wing hoping, praying that WS comes back. You don’t want to be in that position and you want WW to know that you may not be there for her if and when she decides to come back to you. I believe that the Plan B letter sets the conditions to resume contact with her, but not the conditions to resume the relationship. You may or may not want the relationship at that point. And you definitely don’t want WW to believe that you are at her beck and call. Thus, if I were you, I would rephrase the letter so as to reflect that you may not always be there for her.

Hope....cut the crap out! (of the letter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) If you give the letter as you've written it, you'll see in a few short weeks from now, while in Plan B, that it sounds way too "needy".

Just to add a few points others overlooked:

In Plan B, you will have all sorts of things you want to say to the WS. A good Plan B letter "says it all" -- much better than you could do in a phone call. It helps you resist the temptation to communicate further.

Far from being weak, when the WS is blaming you, harrassing you, whatever -- you will know that you have stated your love plainly, more clearly than you can ever do again. This will reinforce your silence. You will know that you can't add anything; you can only dilute what you have said.

Mine was more flowery than is usually advised, because I had a WS who couldn't hear anything but flattery. He was in an alpha male role, and I had to candy-coat for him to even hear me.

But you want this to be a loving knock-out punch. This may be the last words you say about your marriage -- forever. You want it to be your absolute highest final note. You want it to be your best shot. You want to know that you did everything YOU could to save your marriage. This is it.

In the end, the Plan B letter is for YOU.

Definitely true. You don't need to threaten. Just make it clear that these are the conditions for resuming (non-sexual) contact.

You need an intermediary to field any contact, if kids or finances are involved. This makes it clear that you are not daring the WS to contact you.

ps. Don't talk about your pain. WSs don't care about your pain. They are thinking about themselves.

Hi HTW, Here's my .02. Its a beautiful letter and if she were not a WW she would appreciate it...unfortunately she is a WW so you need to cut it way back.

Revised version of your letter:

Dear WW,

I have loved you with my heart and soul,but I made you feel that EVERYTHING was more important to me than you. It never was the case, but that is how I made you feel and for that I am sorry. I have recognized those errors in judgment and have learned from them.

I've suffered from seeing our marriage falling apart and learning about your relationship with <OM>.I remember what a wonderful person you were and how much joy you brought me and our family. That gave me the strength and hope to go on. But I cannot continue to live the way we are, so I had no choice but to separate you from my daily life for my own emotional well being. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation.

I do not want this separation, I want to be your husband. As much as I want this, you have made it clear that you don't and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life except as the father of your kids. I will continue to be the best father I can be and do whatever is necessary to insure our kids’ happiness.

Please do not contact me except for matters concerning our kids or an emergency by calling ....(Insert here your intermediary name and emergency number for contact.)

I love you WW. You will always be very special to me. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I just cannot be with you or see you while you still may be involved with another man and feel the need to have a separate life without me.

If, down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to commit to our marriage, I am open to discussing it with you. I believe in us and that we can build a new marriage and life together.

All my love,
<H>



Still probably a little long.

Ok, Since the legal proceedings are underway, I have been thinking more about my Plan B letter. I am leaning heavily towards a short letter that was suggested by Cym, Sendme and UVA.

The reason I like the short letter is that long love letters have had zero effect on her while she was wayward and so I like the idea of stating my boundary very clearly.

She already knows I am sorry for my past behaviour, she already knows I want this marriage, she already knows her A has hurt me incredibly.

So I have decided to go with what Cym and Sendme put to togther. This is what I plan on sending...what do you think?


Dear WW,

I love you. I won't share you. When you feel the same, contact me. Until then I do not want to communicate with you in any manner. However I must because we share children. Please understand that until such time that you feel as I do I will only communicate with you in regards to the exchange of our children and that is all. I would prefer to coordinate this through your parents. In the case of an emergency I can be contacted via cell phone and you may leave a message.

BS

Another reason for having a Plan B letter is that it explains the motivation - the BS is removing themselves from the pain, in order to protect what love they have left for the WS.

Actually, that's just another way of saying what ML already said - it ensures the WS knows you're not doing it to punish them.

Hope ,

This will not do. You have swung from one extreme to the other. First two long, now two short.

It should be about 3 paragraphs long.

1. I do love you and would like to remain married to you.
The love I have is weakening to preserve this I ask that you cease contacting me. THis is not done to punish but to preserve what love is lost.

2. Contact information here. Who is the intermediary for seeing or picking up kids. Is eamil acceptable, Only contact for an emergency. Perhaps kids schedule sent once a week. Discuss finances Ya da Ya da Ya da.

3. If you cease contact with OM, then I would like to resume contact with you to see if we can rebuild this marriage. I have been and will continue to work on my issues and certainly the areas where you feel I have failed you.

Wish her the best and then close the letter. And yes you can say you love her again. She needs to know you do.


So far you have missed the purpose of the Plan b letter. It is to tell them that this action is NOT punishment, it is for YOU. Next you tell them you love them. And then you give them a path back if they so choose.

You don't promise to be there for her. You don't spend time on how wrong she is. This is about another man being with her and you cannot be with her if he is. It is not a vent letter.

It is factual, loving, caring, and to the point. You need for her to feel you are NOT punishing her, but protecting yourself and the marriage.

Does this make sense?

I hope so.

God Bless,

JL

I would add one more paragraph, in between 1 and 2, call it 1.5...in it you acknowledge the marriage has not been perfect and admit your part in it, be specific, and then let her know how youi have improved and are improving...

JL, I think what is happening is that I am now becoming resentful towards my WW and feel as though she should be making an effort to fix all the damage she has inflicted. That is why I am way overdue for Plan B and am trying to get these legal issues wrapped up so she can leave, allowing me to seek the protection of Plan B.

My letter has been revised to present a more moderate approach.

SHMI, I've included some points that you suggested also. I just don't want it to sound to weak and needy. It's a fine line.

What do you all think...


Dear WW,

I love your WW. I want to remain married to you. Therefore, I cannot be a part of your life while you still may be involved with another man and feel the need to have a separate life without me. It is simply too painful. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my remaining feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation.

Even though I loved you very much and was proud of you, I didn’t show you. I’ve been and will continue to work on my issues and the areas you feel I have failed you in the past.

Please do not contact me except for matters concerning our kids or an emergency. You may do this through email or by leaving a message on my cell phone. I would prefer to coordinate the exchange or our kids through your parents.

If you can assure me that there is no other man in your life and you are committed to us, I would be open to resuming contact with you again and giving our marriage a chance, but until that time please respect my wishes.

Love,
BS

HTW,
I think you pretty much nailed it. I might suggest a couple of very nit-picky changes. (1) Drop the last sentence of the first paragraph. Seems misplaced there, and you address possible reconciliation later. Also, I'm not sure the idea of "protecting your remaining love" would make any sense to a WS, and would probably just irritate her to read. (as in, "Jeeeze, HTW, how many times have a told you -- there's not going to be any reconciliation!!!)
(2) Flip-flop the second and third paragraphs so that all the hard-nosed business is addressed first... and the softer, caring stuff comes last.

The letter would then read:


Dear WW,

I love you WW. I want to remain married to you. Therefore, I cannot be a part of your life while you still may be involved with another man and feel the need to have a separate life without me. It is simply too painful.

Please do not contact me except for matters concerning our kids or an emergency. You may do this through email or by leaving a message on my cell phone. I would prefer to coordinate the exchange or our kids through your parents.

Even though I loved you very much and was proud of you, I didn’t show you. I’ve been and will continue to work on my issues and the areas you feel I have failed you in the past.

If you can assure me that there is no other man in your life and you are committed to us, I would be open to resuming contact with you again and giving our marriage a chance, but until that time please respect my wishes.

Love,
BS


IMHO, the letter follows a more logical path this way.
--SC

Last nit picky comment.


Becomes "Therefore it is with great saddness that I request you to >>>>

Final nit pick


Lose the "and you are committed to us". She may not be committed because she will not be sure it will work. But, she may be willing to explore the possibility. That is what you want.

It is short and to the point. I could be a bit more flowery as it is a LOVE letter. But, I think it will do nicely.

God Bless,

JL

By George...I think you've got it!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Would it be possible for you to request a time line from her as to when she will be moving??

Not sure if this is a "nit" or a "pick" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.... but....

"If you can assure me that there is no other man in your life and you are committed to us..."

might make her feel too defensive. How about...

"If you get to the point that there is no other man in your life and you want to give "us" another try..."

Good luck.
--SC

Hi, Hope!! I hope you don't mind if I weigh in on this one.

I've been following along here with you and your sitch for a long time--chiming in every now and then--and it seems to me that due to the enormous resentment that you are feeling right now toward your WW, that it is clouding your vision of what you are trying to accomplish here. So I thought I would remind you.

Your WW is addicted. Think of her as a drug addict, because her behavior is very similar. Like a drug addict, she will do anything, sell anyone down the river, and harm anyone she has to in order to get her next fix. Her drug of choice is OM/A. Now, I'm not saying that the OM is the scum of the earth or anything--nor am I saying "it's all HIS fault" or "she's scum for falling for him" or anything like that. Just like drug addicts, some folks just have a genetic propensity to it, and some just overindulge and can't stop.

Now, there were things going on in your home and your marriage that set up the environment for an addiction. Maybe you weren't paying attention, so at first she was able to get her first couple of fixes without you noticing. And like any addiction, at first it felt GOOD!!! OMG!!! So she wanted a little more...and you were still not paying attention AND did some enabling things by doing stuff like always watching the kids and allowing her to be out all hours without wondering where she was...you know your part of this mess. I'm not blaming you here--just stating the facts that the environment was correct for an addiction to proceed.

Sooooo...she wanted even MORE. She started to take RISKS to get her fix, and that's about when you started to notice. It felt like a BOMB!! Your wife was an ADDICT!!! At that point you begin to realize that you DID participate in this addiction and that you had not been paying attention; but you also realize that at one time your WW had been addicted to you and could be again. So you did MB Plan A, ended the inattention and the LB's that had made the environment for the addiction...and began once again to be the man that she had once fallen for "way back when."

Now Hope, I know you did this Plan A for a LONG time. During this time, it feels to you (BS) as if you are acting all loving and polite to a person who is hateful and spiteful to you. You act like you care about them...and they act like they couldn't give less of a **** about you! But in real life, what's happening is that you are thinking clearly and your addict still has addiction fog in their head. All they can think about is their fix. When can they get another fix?

So you exposed your WW's addiction to her family and your family. To the addict, that means you took away one more way that they were planning to use to get their fix. Now she couldn't USE them...or LIE to them...because you had TOLD them she was addicted!! HOW DARE YOU expose her addiction!! HOW DARE YOU show her secret to the light of day!! It's all YOUR fault that she's addicted. But Hope, you know that's not true and that's the addict needing their drug...saying ANYTHING to get their drug.

So she said, "If you won't give me my drug, I'll take the kids and all your money and live my life high all the time, and you will be all alone and broke!!!" And you showed her the consequences of being an addict: that she would lose AT LEAST half the time with her children...and lose her house in the nice part of town...and lose her family's support of the addiction...and lose...and lose...and lose. But still you loved her and wished/hoped/PRAYED that she would see the light and willingly say "I'm an addict. I chose this. I need help." and go to rehab. Sadly, like most addicts, she lashed out, blamed YOU (and everyone else), and REFUSED to stop taking her drug.

HERE'S WHERE THE PLAN B LETTER COMES IN

Hope, if your WW actually was addicted to drugs, you would see this so much more clearly. You would see that you loved the person she was before the drugs, and that she could still become that woman again if she would only stop doing the drugs...but that to do that, SHE would need to admit she had a problem and want to go to rehab of her own free will. And if she refused to go to rehab, after a while of trying to show her and convince her that the drugs were killing her and harming the family and children...THEN YOU WOULD SAY:

"HONEY, I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO BE WITH YOU, BUT YOUR ADDICTION IS HARMING THE CHILDREN AND FAMILY, AND I HAVE A DUTY TO PROTECT US THE CHOICES YOU MAKE WHILE YOU'RE ADDICTED. THUS, THE KIDS AND I WILL BE SELLING THE HOUSE AND MOVING ON xx DATE IN ORDER TO PROTECT OUR ASSETS (SO YOU CAN NOT SELL THEM FOR DRUGS). AS LONG AS YOU ARE ON DRUGS AND UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF THE ADDICTION, I HAVE TO BE APART FROM YOU. I CAN NOT FUND YOUR ADDICTION, I CAN NOT GET YOU OUT OF JAIL, AND I CAN NOT BE THE SHOULDER YOU CRY ON WHEN YOU'RE STRUNG OUT. IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME AND BE 'US' AGAIN, THEN YOU CAN CONTACT ME AFTER YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH REHAB. UNTIL THEN, DON'T CONTACT ME UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY, AND AN EMERGENCY IS ONLY BLOOD OR FIRE. DON'T CONTACT ME IF YOU RUN OUT OF FOOD MONEY BECAUSE YOU USED IT ALL ON DRUGS...DON'T CONTACT ME IF YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THE KIDS TO YOUR MOM'S SO YOU CAN GO OUT AND DO DRUGS...AND DON'T CONTACT ME IF YOU ARE BEING EVICTED AND HAVE NOWHERE TO GO BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO MONEY BECAUSE YOU WON'T END YOUR ADDICTION. YOUR LIFE IS YOUR OWN, AND I PRAY TO GOD THAT YOU WILL CHOOSE TO END THIS ADDICTION WHICH IS DESTROYING YOU, BUT IF YOU WILL NOT...THEN I CAN NOT ALLOW YOU TO DESTROY ME AND THE KIDS TOO."

Now Hope, do you see it? THAT is what a Plan B letter is for.




FNCJ