I have dug myself a huge hole. I had an affair about 5 months ago when my wife found out. I thought all was lost. I didn't think she would ever even speak to me again. We have two little girls 8/4 . Two days after finding out about my affair and kicking me out my wife asked to sit down with me and talk. She wanted to know how and why it happened. I told her a sugar coated version of the affair and was taking advantage of the opportunity that she may be thinking about taking me back so I didn't tell her the whole truth. Well to make a long story short... after 5 months of counseling and fighting (and lying) two weeks ago she finds out that I met this other person twice and not once like I told her the day she wanted to talk with me. I screwed up BIG time! I never told her about the second time because I knew what I did was wrong and I was remorseful and so sorry for what I did in the past. I also didn't want to be judged. I also didn't want to hurt her anymore than I have already done. I wanted her to give me another chance...ANOTHER CHANCE is all I wanted to prove myself and show her that I knew I made the biggest mistake of my life when I had the affair and so I manipulated and played stupid while we were working thru this. She has been such a great wife and mother. I need help. I started attending a mens group at the church to work on being a better man. I hurt my wife so bad and I lied to her so much that now she doesn't believe a word I say. I understand this and I will live with this burden I created knowing that I have nothing else to hide and the fact that she asked me to come back home two days ago makes me believe we are gonna get thru this. I screwed up our recovery period in the past by keeping things from her. Now that it is all out what do I do now? She feels like second place . She feels stupid. She feels unappreciated. I can go on forever on how bad I made the one I love hurt! I did every thing wrong in the past as far as what my part was during the recovery period. Is there anyone who cheated on their loved one that can give me some advice. I don't have a clue on what to do or expect! They never taught us this in school or church!


Thanks...

You are behaved very normally for a wandering spouse. Would your wife consider reading and posting here? I think we could help her.

She is a member here and has been posting . Her screen name is - cheated_on


Any suggestions for me?

Thanks

Oh, I know Cheated On. She's cool.

I'm an FWW (Former Wayward Wife - meaning the one who had the A). I talked to Cheated On quite a bit one night.

The truth is THE most important thing you can give right now. All the truth, the ugly truth, the hurtful truth and a DEDICATION to Cheated On and saving your marriage.

A real, sincere dedication to CO. A willingness to put yourself aside and put her first. Total transparency - no worrying about "gee, I'm being checked up on". Of course you'll be checked up on - you have broken the trust of the most important person in your world.

Have you read about "no contact" letters here yet?

Read around until you find out what they are, write yours, and ask your wife to review it. Ask us to review it, too. Then allow her to send it.

On another matter:

What do you think it takes to become a man?

How will you know if/when you succeed?

I know your wife. She feels disrespected and very hurt. She said she asked you to change careers and you refused, saying that you could handle temptation. It is fairly obvious that you can't, or the two of you wouldn't be in this mess. What's up with that?

Hi Iamsosorry,
Welcome, I am so glad you are here. I have talked with your wife on her thread, you two seem to have a lot in common with my H and I's experience.

I will try to write more to you later when I have a little more time, I even may have my H look at your post and see if he can offer you any insight. He was a very remorseful spouse also that had lied and lied and lied. We are almost 3 yrs from d-day now and so very happy. I see that in you and CO's future because you have all the beginnings of a successful recovery.

Be gentle with her...and allow her to have her mood swings for now, they will get better. Be CONSISTENT AND TRUTHFUL in everything you say. I know she is struggling with a lot of anger and LB right now. Do not lash back. Communicate all the time. Ask her what she is feeling often throughout the day and accept where she is at in any given moment. Do not touch her until she is ready, but let her know you want to hug her when she is ready.

I wish I had more time, I will be back. You can survive this...continue to seek the Lord and His comfort, forgiveness and grace. He promises to work all things together for good for those that love Him. My marriage is living proof of this promise.

Take it one day at a time.
Blessings,
Glad

yes
I have a suggestion
on your wife's thread, you wrote this to your wife:




this is yet another lie

if you want to build your credibility back up... and out of the 'red zone' .... stop lying about ALL things

your wife cannot be perfect

you cannot be perfect

you can offer her a compliment that does not carry the weight of her being or becoming a 'perfect person'

telling your wife she is 'perfect' serves you and you alone

I realize this may sound like cherrypicking your post

however

telling a betrayed spouse she is 'perfect' has the opposite effect you are looking for

she will feel very imperfect for a very very long time

and your comment will feel much like a slap

you are not expected to know these things without being told ... however it is hoped that once you are told certain things you can adjust yourself accordingly

if she is to begin to trust you in the future ....
she has to know that although she is imperfect, you will love her regardless

make sense?

WELCOME to marriage builders ... we love you and your wife ... we hate infidelity and lies

be prepared to have all your nonsense pointed out to you ... and you're welcome here .... but your nonsense will be highlighted for your benifit

Pep

The whole thing about changing careers is not a solid "no" . I just started this new position . The person that hired me is a friend and pretty much put out thousands of dollars to get me started. Before I accepted this position I approached my wife and asked her would me changing careers make her feel more comfortable . I told her that I would do any thing to help her recover from the devastation I have made. She replied with ,"No there is no need for you to not take the new position...besides I am not going to baby sit you, because if your going to cheat on me you will no matter where you work and if you do I will leave you " . She also said if I felt I was weak and it was going to be a problem for me to work there I should not take the position. So with all that said I accepted the position and have been there for 2 months now. Well to make a long story we...no let me rephrase that... she had a very bad night the other night. She was yelling at me and swearing and saying VERY mean things . I was o-kay about all that because I know we are going to have our bad days. I didn't say anything back I just let her say her part and figured tomorrow was another day and we both went to bed(separate beds) hurting. Well the next morning there was a distance between us that I felt so I left her have her space and said nothing but" hey...I love you" and walked away. She follows me into the other room and out of no where says,"I want you to quit your job". I replied with ,we have already discussed this and you told me not too and that if I felt strong enough to be at that position that it was my decision. So I said I was not going to quit because she wakes up one morning in a bad mood and starts making demands! The truth is I would do anything for my wife. I would quit my job if she sincerely wanted me to. I just don't want to change careers because she wakes up in a bad mood and thinks I should jump off a bridge if that what she wants. I am very open to anything she wants right now. I just don't want to make any huge moves while she is in this angry stage. She hasn't even forgiven me yet! I have no problem changing careers in the future after she is over the anger stage and able to forgive me and sincerely feel it would comfort her for me to quit my job. At that point I would quit in a heart beat! But to make major decisions like that now I thing would be a little premature. What do you think? Like I admitted from the start I am here to make sure I do things right this time around during the recovery period and the fact that I am trying to work on my own fault of selfishness I definitely need outside influence to make me realize when I am being selfish or realistic. So what are your thoughts on the job situation? I will say it again I am willing to quit my job if my wife can forgive me and ASK (not demand) me to do it .

Thanks

"I have no problem changing careers in the future after she is over the anger stage and able to forgive me and sincerely feel it would comfort her for me to quit my
job."

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

you are in deep trouble with this position

Are you ready to comfort and protect your wife TODAY?

.... the road to divorce is roadmapped within your attitude ....

adjustment is necessary

YOU are mistaken in your position

Why do YOU get the right to decide what would comfort her and when?

Iamsosorry:
i would suggest acouple of things: give her space but not to much. give her alot of time.

be understanding of what shes going threw. allow her to get that stuff of her chest and don't walk away when shes doing it.

remember all the little things you used to do for her that you may not do anymore start doing them. that will show her your trying.

also remember why you feel in love w/ her and use those feeling and just do it. man you got a 2nd chance don't waste it my wife had an affair and shes never coming back
all i think about is what "IF's"

just listen to her you don't have to have an anwser for everything most of the time they just want us to listen

she and i have posted alot to ea other i think we're inthe same boat when it comes to how we feel about our mariages.

make her feel special again and just remember that its going to take alot of time and energy.

good luck, she seems to be a pretty cool person to have dont waste this chance you been given!!!

As a BS who put up with a FWS' insistence not to quit his job after the A despite my numerous requests, let me just say that you're being completely selfish. Who's more important, the guy who spent thousands of dollars to hire you, or your wife that you claim to love and are so sorry to have hurt? Or is it your ego that you derive from your job that's the most important? I'm sorry but your post was so pathetic; it was all about you. If you're really sorry for what you did, you wouldn't even write what you wrote. Obviously you have no idea how insecure she is feeling...if you said you would do anything for her, why wouldn't you? How dare you say, "if she ASKS me to quit?" You threw her in this situation; you make it up for it.

Pep said..

.... the road to divorce is roadmapped within your attitude ....

adjustment is necessary

YOU are mistaken in your position


you said...

I don't have a clue on what to do or expect! They never taught us this in school or church!

this is part of your attitude....

of course they taught us ALL in school and in church what to DO

you are not a victim

not to your choices to cheat
not to your choices to heal...

they are both based on actions...

change your actions....

and if you were really smart.....think before your speak more tripe.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

ARK

Hi Iamsosorry,

I read your paragraph in its entirety about the job situation and I read it that you are thinking more level-headed and in the interests of your wife and family than other posters seemed to think.

It does not sound to me like you would not be ready to quit right now but I hear that you are saying that with the volatile mood swings (which are very, very normal and part of the process for her btw) where she one day is okay with your job and another day she wants you to quit, you want to make sure that quitting would be beneficial and helpful.

Maybe a suggestion could be, in order to validate her, that you tell her that you are indeed willing to change jobs for her and could you give it a two week time period where you continue to discuss that and figure out another job plan and if she feels as strongly at the end of two weeks as she does now that you will indeed change jobs. That way you both will know that it is not just an impulse desire of hers from waking up "in a bad mood" but something that she sincerely needs to feel safe and more confident in the marriage.

It is worth doing whatever it takes Iam....I promise you this. It sounds like you have a wonderful family and you risked everything by your actions and then the way you went about things after the initial d-day last fall. But you and this marriage are not without hope. I see so much hope here. I am hoping to talk to my H tonight about posting to you. He has been in your position and he had some great help and guidance in doing things that helped me to heal and I think he could be a real help and encouragement to you and your marriage if he is willing to post.

Blessings to you and CO today,
Glad

One more thing: you EARN your wife's forgiveness for all you've done to her. You're not in the position to make some kind of a deal where you'd say, "I'll quit my job IF you forgive me."

Thanks 4 the tips...saenz

I look forward to hearing from your husband. I also appreciate the approach you took toward my post about the career situation. Thanks for taking the time to help my wife and I . Your input is very appreciated!

Glad - I like your 2 week time for quitting. Sounds like it should satisfy both of them.