I did talk to my wife about the job situation and let her know that I will quit the position if that is what she wants. I love her very much and I am willing to do what ever it takes. I also told her I can remember two jobs in my past that I was very unhappy with and I asked her if I could quit and find a new job. Well being the loving person she is, she was o-kay with me quiting and supported my decision to leave the position two different times. So I told her yesterday that I thank her for her support when I wanted to quit the jobs and I will also support her if this time SHE decides she wants me to quit my job.
She really didn't comment on it so I imagine she I trying to make a realistic decision on what she really wants me to do. Like I said I think when she brought it up yesterday it was spontaneous and out of anger. Either way I hope she at least knows I will do it... if thats what she wants.

Thanks everyone for your input and thoughts. Keep the suggestions and comments coming(positive/negative) !

I want to do things right this time around.!!!

iamsorry...

what would happen if you were to say to your wife...

I have thought about the job issue and I have decided I am quitting.

I have decided that I will not put you in a position in which you ever need to question if there is any contact between me and the OP...

have you
changed cell phones
given all passwords
told her of any contact that is occuring at work..

here's what would frustrate the ****** out me....if I was your wife...

you made the decision to cheat
so why not make the decision to totally cut contact...

ARK

First off my job has nothing to do with the OW ! I live in the east coast she was from the west coast!

I cut it off with the OW the day my wife found out!

I was with (met) the OW 4 days total 2 different times I don't see her daily so the OW and work are not an combined issue!!

I don't want nothing to do with the OW!

My wife has my old cell phone so she can see who is contacting me or who I contact!

My wife knows all my passwords to everything... she knows things about my accounts that I don't even know !

I would tell my wife if the OW tried to contact me!



So maybe you should relax with the attacks because if that is what I wanted I am sure my wife would be more than welcome to yell at me!

I do welcome constructive criticism but if I frustrate you maybe you should stop reading my thread!

Again thank you to all those that are open and trying to help my wife and I. I know and accept that I will read and be told things I may not like to hear about myself and I can accept that because It is not what you write that hurts it is the truth that hurts and I accept all feed back that is helpful and truthful.

***Also please know what my situation is before you respond ! Don't just jump in because you don't like what you are reading.

Hi Iamsosorry...

Just wanted to give you a thumbs up for the conversation you had with your wife about the job and for thanking her for her support of you when in the past you were unhappy with your job. It is little things like that which will ultimately make a big impact on her.

No, it may not seem like she was impacted that much by this one kindness, but consistently being that person and showing your appreciation for her will go a very long way as time goes on in healing your marriage.

Your wife is struggling right now with self-esteem as a fallout of this. I can absolutely relate to that. Be very validating to her every day. And continue to apologize to her when it seems appropriate. When I was having a hard day it meant a lot to hear my H say something like "I am so sorry you are hurting so bad. I hate what I did and wish I could change it. I was such an idiot and I am so sorry." Because that validated the ongoing nature of the pain I was in.

Anyway, I hope I am helping in some small way. I have not yet spoken to my H about reading your thread and seeing if he will post to you...our four little girls keep us very busy in the evenings, but it is on my mind to have him check in with you if possible.

Keep the forward motion Iamsorry...I am proud of both of you. I told my H after d-day that I knew God had created him to be so much more than he was allowing himself to be as a person. He really rose to that and today he just continues to surprise me as a wonderful husband and father who I love and am proud to be married to. I tell you this because I was your wife nearly 3 years ago, and now this is how I feel today...there is so much hope because what is impossible with man is possible with God. Stay centered in the Lord and keep looking up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Glad

why does your wife want you to change jobs/career...then...
I don't understand that...

So maybe you should relax with the attacks because if that is what I wanted I am sure my wife would be more than welcome to yell at me!

iam that is not an attack...it's a way of showing you how in my opinion in recovery there is a lot of work the BS and WS have to do...
saying that it might frustrate her...is not an attack..it's a window in to seeing how you might come accross..

(just as I am coming accross differently than I mean to...)

a lot of BS work is unfair....
thrust upon them...

it is important in my opinion that WS do all the actions they can....to protect the BS...

it is my opinion that if you ask the BS to make decisions...it can feel to them like being handed a loaded weapon...

if it turns out to be a "bad" decision....she will feel like she is to blame....(might feel)

the actions of WS do things that often WS don't even see has happening....

BS feel they have lost the one the person on this earth who would always protect them if nothing else...

they have lost their protector...

sometimes WS don't even see or think of it like this...

perhaps you do...
perhaps you don't.....

it is my opinion that the more things you come to the table with...

willing to do
willing to say
willing to admit...
the more they will see in your actions the attempt to really work on the real issues...

If I ever had a WS I would want him to come to me with a ton of decisions/actions he has made....and why he thinks these would help the marriage/recovery...

then I would maintain supreme veto over everyone....but atleast they would all be his offers.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

sorry that my advice upset you....
I don't usually get too sappy or flowery to anyone...


ARK

I really wasn't upset about the advice. And it wasn't just you...it was a collection of responses that sort of rubbed me the wrong way. I would just rather members know what their writing about and if they don't know ask so they can actually give me their opinion based on facts.

Thanks

Thanks ...I am doing the best I can. I am trying to be as supportive as I can . I don't walk away when she is venting. I don't argue back. I don't try to push her past this , I am allowing her to go at her speed and I even told her this. I want so bad to hug her and kiss her and love her but I know she is not ready for all that yet(her opinion) so I will hold it for now but when she ready she better watch out because there is gonna be a lot of hugs and kisses coming her way!

Well, I'm sorry, Iamsosorry, my BS detector is waving around a bit. And I don't mean Betrayed Spouse.

I think you are telling us what you think we want to hear.

I know it's tough and I DO think you are trying but I just don't think you "get it" yet.

I would really like you to read The Affair World at the bottom of my post.

It's a very sincere outpouring of what it really feels like to be in CO's shoes and the piece I wrote is completely honest as well.

I think you need new batteries in you "BS Detector"! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

What do you think is "BS"? You say you know my wife ...maybe you should try asking her if I have been doing and said everything I previously wrote.

Also I already read your post about the affair world. My wife made me aware of it earlier today and I read it. I liked it a lot. It opened my eyes a bit more to what she is going thru. The fact is I will never know exactly what she is going thru. I have learned a lot in the last two days of chatting on this site. I thanked my wife today for getting me to check MB out. I am so glad I did. You say you know her ...ask her for your self if I have been what I said I was doing or if I am just writing what I think you guys want to hear.

Also I want to THANK YOU so much for being there for my wife while I was manipulating and lying during our recovery months! I know she really appreciates your opinion! And so do I!

Ok, iamsosorry, (that's quite a mouthful of a name) I'm very pleased to hear my BS detector needs new batteries. I think the part about "I'm going to kiss her and hug her" just didn't quite hit the mark. If you mean that sincerely, I'm REALLY pleased.

I guess it's because I've been there and I know how "manipulative" a newly recovering WS can be. I have a great deal of respect for your wife and would hate to see her hurt again. She is a strong, articulate woman and I liked her immediately. I'm also really glad you're pleased you found MB. I found MB on my own and I can safely say it saved our marriage.

I think Plank's summary of how it feels to be a BS is inspired.

I understand. I was manipulative. I was a total fool during our recovery period. I was always trying to get her to notice me for who I am and not for what I did. I wanted nothing more than for her to accept me for who I am. I can imagine that is what every FWS wants from the BS. But the hard truth is thats impossible. I am finally starting to see that. I told her so many lies before to lessen her pain and recovery time but in the end all it did was increase the pain and recovery time. I was too ashamed of what I did to tell her everything. I was afraid if she knew everything she would see how big of a loser her husband was and file for divorce. What troubles me is her thinking she is second best. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I understand why she thinks that but the fact is I am a selfish person(I admit that!)and the affair had nothing to do with my wife. I am getting counseling for that. My wife is so much better than the OW. So why the heck did I jeopardize my marriage with someone half the women I had at home? Of course it is hard for my wife to believe that. I also had no problem ending it with the other women unlike a lot of other WS. The other women tried to call me two days after my W D-day and I just told her that I didn't want to continue it . I told her to not call me anymore. So ending it was never really a problem for me. My only problem was being truthful with my wife about the two times I met the OW. I hated the fact that I hurt her by having the affair and I hated knowing that the more she knows the more she was gonna hurt. Well we have come a long way . I am glad my wife found out about the second meeting. I admit I was too much of a coward to tell her. I am sure my selfishness played a major role in keeping the truth from her. I am glad it's out but I know it would have been so much better had I been man enough to confess. I am a slow learner but at least I am learning...

Iamsorry, that is a very good post.

If only all WS's knew how important the unvarnished truth is to recovery.

But like I said in The Affair World, it feels like twisting the knife and it is very hard to do.

I just wanted to say that you are definitely on the right track and, if CO, can start to trust you again and trust that she has the WHOLE truth, you stand a very good chance of making it.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I feel really good about the way I am handling things. My wife even took the time to thank me last night because earlier in the day she was feeling pretty bad... I sat with her and rubbed her back as she expressed what she was going thru. I didn't say anything. I just sat and listened. I actually agreed with a lot of the things she was saying and would respond with "I know, I was not a very good husband". I then found myself sitting on the floor by her feet as she sat on the bed crying with her. We talked and cried together for a while until I sat up , grabbed her hands and looked her straight in the eyes and told her..."I love you very much, I no longer look at our marriage as to what I can get out of it but what I can give to it. I have learned a lot about myself thru this mess. I want to work on being a better me so I can be better for you". I have so many faults that I need to work on . I wonder how my wife wasn't the one who had the affair since I am the one with all the faults that need to be worked on. I am so lucky to have her. I told her that I can't wait till our little girls grow up because with my wife as their role model they are gonna be great mothers and wives just like her. Thank God we don't have any boys because I would be the worst example of what being a good man and a great father is all about. Well thanks for keeping in touch with me kiwij. Your posts give me motivation to get on this site and continue going down this path I am living...THANKS!!!

I am still looking for help from anyone who has advice on how I can be better at supporting my wife and getting her to feel loved again.

Thank You everyone here at MB...

Actions, not talk.

Complete transparency.

A willingness to answer every single question.

She just won't feel loved again until you have proved you are trustworthy. For her, this is all about trust and about you not being who she thought you were. That was the hardest thing my H faced. He said it was like looking at a stranger - and we'd been married 28 years!

A willingness to put her FIRST, at the expense of your feelings and thoughts right now. It won't always be like that, it will equalise, but RIGHT NOW your feelings don't matter too much.

Does any of that help? I hope so.

JL, calling you........

bump

What does that mean? Is that short for something I don't know? I am new at all these abbreviations, I understand the basics like ...WS , BS, OW and all the other standard abbreviations. I guess I had better start getting up to speed on things since I plan to be on the site for a very long time , even after my own personal situation is resolved because I want to be able to give back for all that I have been given since joining this site.

it just means Jen was bumping it up to the top to get you more advice.

Okay I am looking for a little help today. My wife has been feeling a bit down . She is beating herself over the head and calling herself a loser. I know she has a good self esteem because she told me. I guess this is just something she is going thru but I don't want to take it lightly. I want to help her but I can't because I know I am the reason she feels the way she does. I tell her she not a loser and she relies with then why would you cheat on me if I am so great. That is the way it goes for every issue she beats herself up about and there is nothing I can say because It all goes back to the affair. Then what happens is I get down and start beating myself up for what she is going thru and then we are both down. I woke up this morning and she was still down on herself but I was feeling better so I am up for the challenge today. I started the morning off by sending her an E-card to her office e-mail account and also left her a message on her voice mail. In the e-card I told her to not let my actions of the past dictate who she is and how she feels about herself. I also told her that if she is the kind of person who will let MY actions reflect on how she feels about herself , then I was happy to say brighter days are on the way because I love her and unlike before I want to be a giver and not a taker in our marriage. I think she was happy to get the e-card because she thanked me for it. Now the one thing I am concerned about is during these times when she is feeling like a loser should I continue doing what I am doing or do I give her space and let her work thru it? I am wondering if during times like this the less I say the better? Does anyone have any advise for me so I can give her the proper support she is needing.

Thanks

O-kay I get it ...Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

GladToPressOn ...any luck in getting your H to post me for guidance ? Either way Thanks for asking !